The Well Women Clinic deals specifically with medical issues related to women. A one-stop health-care facility focused on ‘today’s modern woman’ who often doesn’t have the time to look after her own medical requirements.
This month we are focusing on:
THE NEED FOR APPROVAL
by Dr Melanie Schlatter
Why is it that we care so much about what other people think? Why do we get run down and depressed when people disapprove of us? Why are our actions often determined by ‘what the people might say’….. And who are ‘the people’ on this judgement committee anyway? Friends who have maligned you but who you are trying to keep on side because it’s ‘easier’? Parents who led you to believe you would be no good and who extinguished any semblance of self esteem, but whom you still need to show that you are doing well to? Those in authority who you keep accepting all the extra work from in order to be seen as diligent? Those who you are continually justifying yourself to? Or just all the other respectable ‘never put a foot wrong’ people in the world in general who you compare yourself with? Now don’t get me wrong, it’s great to feel good and have people like us and to be complimented and admired- it’s necessary even. However, if your mood pretty much depends on the positive feedback of others and the perception that they think you are ‘okay’ (simply because it makes you feel ‘okay’ too) then you may need to make some adjustments.
The need for approval generally runs along a continuum. Some people don’t take particular notice of others’ comments or negative criticisms, and they can realistically assess what information is needed to move forward in life. Naturally these people have their ‘moments’ too, especially when someone they truly respect or admire makes them feel bad about themself or their behaviour. But, at the other end of the continuum are those completely paralysed into fear and inaction- “did I say the right thing”, “did I do the right thing”, “what will they think of me”, “I would never have voiced my opinion if I knew they would disagree” and so on. Dr Wayne Dyer begins with a quote in his book Your Erroneous Zones (Chapter III – You Don’t Need Their Approval. p49)- “Needing approval is tantamount to saying, ‘your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself’ “. How sad this is, and yet how true it is for many people also.
There are varied and often multiple reasons why a person may need approval from others in order to feel good about the world. Most would say it gets down to a lack of self esteem, or negative family origins; so often therapy is about determining what is the most painful scenario for the client (eg- people disagreeing with them or criticising them); learning why it is painful (eg- I end up feeling stupid as it makes me think of my teacher saying I would never excel academically; I worry I will be rejected if I am not nice all the time) or frustrating (eg- I never say what I really want to do); challenging those beliefs (eg- what is the worst thing that could happen if you stood up for yourself), and then giving the person tools to address those thoughts (eg- assertiveness; self esteem builders; learning how to express an opinion and stand by it regardless of contrary opinion; learning that they don’t have to put up with aversive people simply because it ‘feels easier’), and tools to address the associated behaviours (eg- practice telling someone how they really feel; or performing a behaviour which they may not have necessarily undertaken otherwise- eg- at 50 years of age, joining a gym class even though others your age state categorically that they wouldn’t dream of it).
The dependence on external gratification such as approval from others is very erratic reinforcement. So it can get worse over time, and make you feel more and more empty inside. Everyone else is doing what they want to, and you have spent your life wishing you had been stronger and that you hadn’t worried so much. We don't want to pass this on to our children. By teaching yourself (or getting help to understand) that your own needs and thoughts …and YOU….are valuable and worthwhile, you will be more in control and you will slowly gain more confidence. It's like riding a bike- it may take a little bit of practice each day, but the results will be more long lasting.
Melanie will be talking more about the need for approval on Radio 2’s Wellbeing Hour with Accalia on Wednesday July 7th after the news at 11am (99.3 FM Dubai / 106 FM Abu Dhabi). She is going to offer a chance to win 2 free psychological consultation sessions for anyone who has difficulty with the need for approval- so join us and listen in to win!
Women need no longer forego seeking medical attention. Diagnosis and treatment with minimal delay in relaxing and friendly surroundings, under the care of female-doctors is now available at the Well Women Clinic.