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 Teenage Cliques... how to deal with the issue


 bullyingStressed out because your child is left out?

Twelve-year-old Clarissa stomps in, slamming the front door and then rushes up the stairs without greeting you hello. After knocking on her door several times, she finally opens it and out comes a torrent of declarations about how much she hates school and how her life is over because her best friend Maria is going to the movies with Solange, the most popular girl in the class, and she was not invited. Worst still, Maria has been having lunch with the cool crew and ignoring her at school, Clarissa cries out, between sobs.

It might be that Maria is becoming part of a clique, a small exclusive group from which your daughter is excluded. As portrayed in the movie Mean Girls, cliques can be controlled by a “Queen Bee” who dictates who the group can hang out with and anyone not approved by the Queen Bee could instantly be denigrated to a social outcast and even a target to be bullied.

Having left the confines of the school playground decades ago, how should you advise your child?

Listen to your child and share any experience you may have of cliques and how you may have dealt with them. Because children may magnify things and truly feel as if their life is over if they lose a friend, acknowledge the validity of their feelings, but put things into perspective by pointing out other friends they have and explain that being angry with someone one day does not mean that the friendship is over.

Remind her of other friends, neighbours, or relatives with whom she can still hang out. If possible, encourage her to participate in extra-curricular activities where she can meet people who share the same interests as her.

Because sometimes people do judge a book by its cover, explain how such judgments are often not true and could hurt the person being judged. Ask whether she herself is part of a group that excludes other children who are different, and if so, urge her to speak up if her friends make fun of others. Watching movies like Mean Girls, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Never Been Kissed, or Clueless may help children understand the harmful effects of cliques.

Ask her why she wants to be friends with that clique, especially if they are not very nice to her or to other kids. Would joining a clique mean that she has to change who she is to fit in? She should understand that true friends should accept you for who you are and not who you pretend to be.

If you believe that your child is being bullied, make an appointment to speak to her teacher.

Although the influence of the Queen Bee may not be as obvious in adult life, some permutation of cliques do exist, although the nature and extent may differ, even in the corporate or parent committee world, long after we leave the playground. Teaching your child at an early age that being in a clique isn’t necessarily all that chic could be a skill that she will use for life.
 
 
 
 
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