Cheers, dear readers,
Cathy here having returned from seeing the Disney movie “Frozen” for the first time yesterday. I happened to be at a friend’s house where we were snuggling with two infants including my goddaughter over the weekend. Both babies are scrumptious and as us “infertiles” like to say, have “daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose”, looking very much like their biological parents whom are my friends. Particularly in that environment, when I watched the movie “Frozen”, I was deeply moved by many parts of the complicated journey that the characters find themselves on, particularly Elsa. Many of my friends tell me repeatedly that they do not understand what it is like to be diagnosed as infertile, and then go through fertility treatments to attempt to “fix” the problem. I wonder if I can use this acclaimed film that many have seen to provide greater understanding to others for some of the complex emotions that we “infertiles” go through.
(Note: If you have not seen the film, this post will have spoilers, FYI)
The typical opinion of the song “Let It Go”, which I hear being sung by little girls and adults alike everywhere, is that it is a song about “liberation” and it’s “empowering” with Elsa coming into her true identity – a joyous celebration of release for those who have been living in fear or bondage. But stopping there with the pondering of the song fails to see the great depth and subtlety of it, reflecting the character’s deep, difficult emotions. Yes, the song is about empowerment in that moment for the character, but there is also tragedy, anger, bitterness, and self-deception in it with even greater intensity, as seen by the various conflicted facial expressions of Elsa as she sings. It doesn’t simply and happily mark Elsa’s claiming of her identity – quite the opposite! While the song does lift her spirits up at moments temporarily, by the end of the song, she is in severe danger of losing herself, and she is perched atop a high precipice, completely isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. We come to understand that Elsa is a complex and compelling character who is tortured by her uncontrollable abilities / body functions and her thoughts. The primary point of the song is to set down the conflicts that Elsa must go through – the demons that she must face – before the story is over. “Let the storm rage on” the lyrics state, referring to her stormy heart and mind, as she tries to find freedom through isolation and acceptance of her “strange” self – yet the “cold” and isolation just further sends her to despair, negativity and fear.
For someone going through the trials and tribulations of being diagnosed as infertile while trying to start a family, similar to how Elsa feels that she has no control over her body, her negative thoughts and feelings of isolation and being so “different”, the infertile couple can feel “broken”, with no control over their bodies, nor control over the scary emotions and crisis that come up during this process – no certainty over the potential outcome of the treatments, coupled with conflicting emotions. We are doing our very best to be happy for our friends and family who often make starting a family look so easy, jubilant and fun, while silently suffering with the physical, financial and emotional traumas which cause further isolation. We often don’t want to burden our friends with our troubles, so we quite often tend to isolate ourselves to deal with our problems and identity crisis (Who am I if I am not going to become a parent? What is the point of my life, and how will I relate to my mommy and daddy friends who clearly bond with each other?) Even when others have tried to offer their support, the conversation quickly became negative or nonexistent with the subject being changed, because it made the person I was speaking with uncomfortable, sometimes right after they simply said, “I can’t relate. Sorry I cannot help more… Let me show you a picture of my daughter holding a trophy!”