Burj Al Arab Afternoon Tea
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Cyclone T
Posts 4494


09/03/2011 00:03:35
burnsie000 wrote:
It is a house warming.

Please don't get me wrong - I have no problem making a salad and or taking my drinks....

I just find this whole money contribution awkward!


I would feel akward in this situation too. If they were hosting the party on behalf of others eg. A going away party for a mutual friend and they had the biggest outdoor area so got asked to host then I would have no problem but this is instigated by them and for them.

Do you have to go? If yes, I would be skipping the housewarming gift.





paras
Posts 824


09/03/2011 00:05:40
I would have felt awkward if i were you ... if she is a good friend tell her about your feelings ... personally inviting 100 guests on a house warming party and making them pay IS strange ... if you cant afford then dont do it or do it on a small scale but asking your guests to pay is embarassing





Tartiflette
Posts 350


09/03/2011 00:07:48
burnsie000 wrote:
On the invite it says ''We will have a buffet and soft drinks will be provided, when you are here a contribution towards this will be appreciated!''


Is it possible that she means a contribution to the buffet, i.e. a dish to add, rather than a financial contribution? That would seem less weird to me.

Then again, a friend of mine was invited to a wedding in another country and shelled out for a plane ticket, an outfit, a hotel room and of course a present, only to be asked for cash as she entered the reception-- to pay for her meal!! So you never know Whaaaaa?





salsB
Posts 8475


09/03/2011 00:08:43
The moto we have, is that the hostess cooks and we /them bring nibbles, Ive been know to take a fresh cream cake / trifle, take our booze and have a happy day on the balcony / garden. Friends dont have any pretence, we all just muck in and make the day a special one. Actually come to think of it we havent had a day like this in ages. Another EW is planning a wedding party for William and Kate!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Crystil
Posts 1330


09/03/2011 00:10:15
salsB wrote:
I have been invited to a party where we have all made a dish, bring your own booze, nothing wrong with this, as it makes a day different.


Those parties make for a great time, and you get to experience different cooking/dishes. But those kinds of parties are generally agreed upon. But to send out an invitation asking for a contribution???





Crystil
Posts 1330


09/03/2011 00:15:17
Marydots wrote:
Crystil: the same was about to happen back home to a friend of ours when the moment to share the bill came. However, a few of us made a point that it would not be fair for her to pay the same for only the dessert and a drink. So, we asked her to share with much less than the rest of us. But I guess many ppl try to take advantage or don't give a thought in these situations.


I guess when someone says: "I'm having a birthday dinner, I would love for you to come", one assumes it's an invite. "Stop by and have a drink" also one would assume it's an invite. He had absolutely no idea that he was going to be sharing the bill. It would never occur to us to invite people to a function and expect them to pay.





Marydots
Posts 99


09/03/2011 02:15:30
Crystil wrote:
Marydots wrote:


Exactly. Well, I guess many of us will be thinking a bit when we get our next invitation!!! LOLOLOLOLOL





vero possumus
Posts 1258


09/03/2011 07:21:12
If the party you are planning is advertised to the public as a pay and play, then a fee can be added to the announcement/advertisement. If your party is for your friends and you are the hosts, then your responsibility as the host is to pay the bill - in total. It is extremely bad etiquette to ask for money from your guests. If you cannot afford to entertain your friends, then the best thing to do is not to throw the party.


source:http://en.allexperts.com/q/Social-Etiquette-Good-2570/2008/12/Party-Donation.htm





bornconfused
Posts 1443


09/03/2011 07:27:36
First of all nobody needs a 100 people at a house warming party. The neighbors certainly won't enjoy the mass amount of people.


2 - If one needs a 100 people at a house warming party, then they should be providng for the event financially. This isn't a birthday party they are hosting for a mutual friend, a baby shower, or a going away party for someone.

Good luck Burnsie.. I think you should tell her flat out that contributing financially is an un-acceptable request.





vero possumus
Posts 1258


09/03/2011 07:35:17
albertina wrote:
Not to hijack, but how would one recover socially after making such a faux pas? We had a party for a very down and out friend and DH suggested (insisted) we ask for contributions "something to throw on the bbq" so to speak. It did not go down well with the guest of honor or her family and friends. My husband was working on his phd at the time so we were broke, but dear friend really need a party thrown for her and no one else was offering...
IMHO bad move on your husbands part and in time people may lose their memory, but in general I do not think you can recover. You are who you are and you did what you did.
Anyway, if it is any consolation there are plenty of EW'ers who would sympathise with you, it seems a lot of people on this forum think it is ok to host a party and to tell the guests to BYOB. The first time I had an invite like that (actually only once) I was immediately insulted, as I had already spent a lot on their birthday gifts, then after the insult passed, I could not believe that we were going to drive all the way across Dubai to celebrate some birthdays with a couple I hardly knew. So we sent the driver over with the gifts and our apologies and we spent the evening out on our boat, which is where we preferred to be.

For all of those who think it is acceptable to ask people who are not close friends to BYOB or a donation, let me tell you now, it is downright rude.

Burnsie, sorry for stealing your thread. As for your friend, I would opt out gracefully. If she asks you, then tell her you would prefer to not attend illegal events (it is illegal anyway, she is not a registered charity).





HereWeGo
Posts 755


09/03/2011 08:27:17
We get to know a family who had kids similar age to ours and the kids met quite a few times for play dates and so on.

Then one of their children had a birthday party and I got some nice gifts for said child and his sibling - as we have three children I splashed on the gifts as they were all invited. so me and the kids and our helper went to the party. The party consisted of going to the park to play for free, nothing special organised at the park, and then to the mall and sharing 2 large pizzas (we were around 20 guests mixed adults and children) and that was it. Their own helper and her nephew that used to help out in the garden were there (dressed up in their best finery) and weren't invited to sit down at the table but had to wait around outside the restaurant?! My helper was also there and not invited to sit down either so I got her her own table and ordered her dinner and paid myself. Ok, fine.

Then we were invited to their house in the weekend for a "nice play time" for the kids and promises of a "very nice, very special meal". Arrived at around 1 p.m as agreed and took a handsome bottle of wine with us. No lunch was prepared. The day dragged on and on and we were starving and kids were getting cranky. Finally it was revealed that the "nice special dinner" consisted of ordering 2 pizzas from Pizza Hut. Ok, fine. We ate, left quickly and went home to eat dinner again (husband very annoyed at this point).

Then we invited them for a b'day party for one of our children. It was also held at the park but I had organised quite an elaborate event with decorations, nice party bags, lots of entertainment, good food for adults and kids and so on. This family arrived and didn't bring a present and one of their kids got a burst of hyper activity and more or less ruined the party as he started fighting with all the other children and the parents didn't do anything about it.

Now, what do you think? Is this behaviour normal? I didn't think so. I think it was shameful. We stopped seeing them after this, made easier by the fact that they soon left the UAE. They were both highly educated with excellent jobs but had in my opinion no manners and were ridiculously tight.





taisik
Posts 185


09/03/2011 08:30:34
HereWeGo wrote:
We get to know a family who had kids similar age to ours and the kids met quite a few times for play dates and so on.

Then one of their children had a birthday party and I got some nice gifts for said child and his sibling - as we have three children I splashed on the gifts as they were all invited. so me and the kids and our helper went to the party. The party consisted of going to the park to play for free, nothing special organised at the park, and then to the mall and sharing 2 large pizzas (we were around 20 guests mixed adults and children) and that was it. Their own helper and her nephew that used to help out in the garden were there (dressed up in their best finery) and weren't invited to sit down at the table but had to wait around outside the restaurant?! My helper was also there and not invited to sit down either so I got her her own table and ordered her dinner and paid myself. Ok, fine.

Then we were invited to their house in the weekend for a "nice play time" for the kids and promises of a "very nice, very special meal". Arrived at around 1 p.m as agreed and took a handsome bottle of wine with us. No lunch was prepared. The day dragged on and on and we were starving and kids were getting cranky. Finally it was revealed that the "nice special dinner" consisted of ordering 2 pizzas from Pizza Hut. Ok, fine. We ate, left quickly and went home to eat dinner again (husband very annoyed at this point).

Then we invited them for a b'day party for one of our children. It was also held at the park but I had organised quite an elaborate event with decorations, nice party bags, lots of entertainment, good food for adults and kids and so on. This family arrived and didn't bring a present and one of their kids got a burst of hyper activity and more or less ruined the party as he started fighting with all the other children and the parents didn't do anything about it.

Now, what do you think? Is this behaviour normal? I didn't think so. I think it was shameful. We stopped seeing them after this, made easier by the fact that they soon left the UAE. They were both highly educated with excellent jobs but had in my opinion no manners and were ridiculously tight.
after the first trip to the mall with them I would have given up. I would not have attended their 'special' time after.





arohadxb
Posts 6344


09/03/2011 08:40:40
ow herewego, thats awful!

I am starting to feel that there IS a cultural element underlying all of this...for us, offering guests food and drink is as natural as breathing, taking something along with us when we go out is as natural as breathing, having a bbq or a gathering and everyone bringing a contribution to the meal is natural...you get the picture. A more 'formal' gathering like a party is a bit different where as the host we would provide everything that could possibly be wanted, but we are blessed with such generous friends they just can't bring just themselves, bless them. And if I was to say, have a dinner party I could cope with maybe 4 guests, but for anything larger we stick with the more casual pot luck arrangement and we get to host more people at a time, host more often and have a lovely circle of friends where we all get to relax and enjoy each others company more regularly than say if we were all going to have to host 'formal' all the time.

I guess that makes me part of the byob brigade then?





Chocs01
Posts 4776


09/03/2011 08:42:24
Could it be that people are jumping to conclusions with regards to a monetary contribution? As it doesn't actually say that. It's not very well written and she could simply mean bring a bottle or a dish. I'd ask.





sleepyhead
Posts 550


09/03/2011 08:45:58
I have to agree with the majority of posters here. I think this is a social faux pas and TBH rather embarrassing to say the least. If one must ask for a monetry contribution for such an event then you have to ask yourself should this person be hosting this in the first place!!! JMO.
We were invited to a friends 40th birthday fairly recently and it totally floored me when I read the the invitation as it said "BYOB, light snacks will be served so eat before you come"....I am not kidding - this is what was sent out to all the people that were invited. I was in shock. As far as I am concerned when having such an event people will come with gift in hand and where I am from it is pretty standard that a party such as this is catered for.
SH





Chocs01
Posts 4776


09/03/2011 08:51:06
But again, WHERE on the invite does it say monetary contribution? It doesn't. Looks more like a miscommunication to me. I'd simple ask what she means.





angel joy
Posts 1826


09/03/2011 08:53:22
you meet quite interesting people here is it a necessity to hold a party?? and people don't fel awkward asking about money!!! for pool party(monetary contribution) you don't get an invite...last year all of our friends decided to hold a party in which 1 dish has to be brought from home and drinks were divided amongst guys but that was different.
frankly i feel awkward asking about money and would never hold a party at my house if i don't have resources. would you be able to enjoy there?? no!





SusieH
Posts 180


09/03/2011 09:02:10
Interpreting invitations can be a minefield even when people are from the same country/culture. I'd ask her to clarify.

We were invited to a friends' home last year late enough in the evening to believe it was just for drinks as the intention was to view photos from a trip we'd made together. Therefore we had supper before we left home... and found another prepared for us when we arrived. Greedy people that we are DH & I mutally exchnaged glances & tried to eat but eventually had to own up - we still all giggle about it now and all four of us learnt a lesson about communicating with each other better.





Nobbles
Posts 688


09/03/2011 09:20:53
I agree and thought that perhaps the OP misunderstood the friend in that she wanted a food contribution not money. However, having read the OP's extract of the invitation, ''We will have a buffet and soft drinks will be provided, when you are here a contribution towards this will be appreciated', the mention of WHEN YOU ARE HERE a contribution would be appreciated seems to indicate a monetary contribution. How odd. If someone asked me for a monetary contribution I would certainly not go to their housewaming. What, is it a housewarming or a chance to get a lump sum of cash to splash out on new furniture. It also puts you in an awkward spot of how much - you don't want to appear tight but then why should you pay restaurant rates either? How strange...... If she knows you post on here though, I would call her and ask. If she reads this she will be very upset if she did not mean this and will be very annoyed that you interpreted it this way. If she did mean this then she will be upset also that you felt the need to ask us all when she was supposed to be a good friend IMO. Good luck!





SueB
Posts 11198


09/03/2011 09:26:30
At home in Canada, Pot Luck dinners were always happening ....someone would get moving for a TGif, call friends and yell Pot Luck at 7 tomorrow and everyone who came, brought a fav dish of food, wine or whatever and everyone had a great time being together. I mentioned that once and got looks of horror here lol.....





arohadxb
Posts 6344


09/03/2011 09:31:44
SueB wrote:
At home in Canada, Pot Luck dinners were always happening ....someone would get moving for a TGif, call friends and yell Pot Luck at 7 tomorrow and everyone who came, brought a fav dish of food, wine or whatever and everyone had a great time being together. I mentioned that once and got looks of horror here lol.....


I must be VERY lucky with our group of friends here then, cos we are the pot luck queens!





stovetop
Posts 1817


09/03/2011 09:50:11
Last year, a friend got married and invited us for a buffet dinner at a nice hotel. The invite mentioned the price for the buffet too and the fact that each person was expected to pay for themselves.

I found this a little weird, I mean if you want to celebrate your wedding.... why would you want people to pay for it? But then I thought maybe it was a Dubai thing. Though I must admit, I was glad I was out of town and couldn't attend. Can't judge it as right or wrong, but it just felt a little weird.





arohadxb
Posts 6344


09/03/2011 10:07:38
stovetop wrote:
Last year, a friend got married and invited us for a buffet dinner at a nice hotel. The invite mentioned the price for the buffet too and the fact that each person was expected to pay for themselves.

I found this a little weird, I mean if you want to celebrate your wedding.... why would you want people to pay for it? But then I thought maybe it was a Dubai thing. Though I must admit, I was glad I was out of town and couldn't attend. Can't judge it as right or wrong, but it just felt a little weird.


thats happened to us too...not invited to the actual ceremony either...just the aftermatch function. odd.





AriVW
Posts 483


09/03/2011 10:20:13
stovetop wrote:
Last year, a friend got married and invited us for a buffet dinner at a nice hotel. The invite mentioned the price for the buffet too and the fact that each person was expected to pay for themselves.

I found this a little weird, I mean if you want to celebrate your wedding.... why would you want people to pay for it? But then I thought maybe it was a Dubai thing. Though I must admit, I was glad I was out of town and couldn't attend. Can't judge it as right or wrong, but it just felt a little weird.


I would not say it’s weird. As for a wedding you are expected to bring a present. They invited you for a dinner (celebrate and share their event) and they are not expecting you to bring the present but to pay for yourself. Personally Im totally fine with it.





sleepyhead
Posts 550


09/03/2011 11:27:19
AriVW wrote:
stovetop wrote:
Last year, a friend got married and invited us for a buffet dinner at a nice hotel. The invite mentioned the price for the buffet too and the fact that each person was expected to pay for themselves.

I found this a little weird, I mean if you want to celebrate your wedding.... why would you want people to pay for it? But then I thought maybe it was a Dubai thing. Though I must admit, I was glad I was out of town and couldn't attend. Can't judge it as right or wrong, but it just felt a little weird.


I would not say it’s weird. As for a wedding you are expected to bring a present. They invited you for a dinner (celebrate and share their event) and they are not expecting you to bring the present but to pay for yourself. Personally Im totally fine with it.




stovetop I'm with you! AriVW, each to their own I suppose, but personally, where I am from, this is not the done thing. I find it quite rude in fact to be invited to a wedding reception and to asked to pay for your own meal when you are there to celebrate their nuptials!!! And, on top of that, how do you know they are not expecting you to bring a gift??????
SH





AriVW
Posts 483


09/03/2011 11:42:32
Usually it’s a rule: if you are expected to pay for yourself, you aren’t expected to bring the present. I actually like this. People want your presence and not your gift.





northerngirl
Posts 28


09/03/2011 11:53:27
A housewarming party with 100 guests? Wow. And she wants you to give her money? Uh, no!





sleepyhead
Posts 550


09/03/2011 11:55:45
AriVW wrote:
Usually it’s a rule: if you are expected to pay for yourself, you aren’t expected to bring the present. I actually like this. People want your presence and not your gift.


Sure this rule may apply to a party/celebration of a certain occasion but honestly I have never entertained that rule for a wedding and I honestly can't believe that many people would. I don't know, perhaps I am completely well off the beaten track! I for one though, could not and would not turn up to celebrate the nuptials of friends without a gift. I would just feel awkward. That to me, is a personal testimony of our friendship. I guess for me it is just courteous and what I know! Again, each to their own, but I am just stating MO. I'm not having a personal dig at you, just simply discussing how I feel about it.
SH





MrsMopp
Posts 701


09/03/2011 12:13:29
Tartiflette wrote:
burnsie000 wrote:
On the invite it says ''We will have a buffet and soft drinks will be provided, when you are here a contribution towards this will be appreciated!''


Is it possible that she means a contribution to the buffet, i.e. a dish to add, rather than a financial contribution? That would seem less weird to me.

Then again, a friend of mine was invited to a wedding in another country and shelled out for a plane ticket, an outfit, a hotel room and of course a present, only to be asked for cash as she entered the reception-- to pay for her meal!! So you never know Whaaaaa?


I agree, i think they mean a contribution to the buffet/food.





stovetop
Posts 1817


09/03/2011 12:19:28
AriVW wrote:

I would not say it’s weird. As for a wedding you are expected to bring a present. They invited you for a dinner (celebrate and share their event) and they are not expecting you to bring the present but to pay for yourself. Personally Im totally fine with it.


There was nothing said about not getting presents.

ETA: Most people I know who attended brought gifts. If I was attending and paying for myself, I would too. I think its a gesture that goes without saying, the reasons being many. A couple just about to start their lives together could always do with nice stuff that they may not have splurged on after the wedding expenses... (In this case it was a holiday wedding, these guys flew out somewhere to get married, just the two of them) and also it's a memoir to keep from the wedding. Just my thoughts. But then maybe its just me feeling weird going to a wedding celebration empty-handed. Each to his own, I guess.
edited by stovetop on 09/03/2011





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