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Not to hijack, but how would one recover socially after making such a faux pas? We had a party for a very down and out friend and DH suggested (insisted) we ask for contributions "something to throw on the bbq" so to speak. It did not go down well with the guest of honor or her family and friends. My husband was working on his phd at the time so we were broke, but dear friend really need a party thrown for her and no one else was offering...
IMHO bad move on your husbands part and in time people may lose their memory, but in general I do not think you can recover. You are who you are and you did what you did.
Anyway, if it is any consolation there are plenty of EW'ers who would sympathise with you, it seems a lot of people on this forum think it is ok to host a party and to tell the guests to BYOB. The first time I had an invite like that (actually only once) I was immediately insulted, as I had already spent a lot on their birthday gifts, then after the insult passed, I could not believe that we were going to drive all the way across Dubai to celebrate some birthdays with a couple I hardly knew. So we sent the driver over with the gifts and our apologies and we spent the evening out on our boat, which is where we preferred to be.
For all of those who think it is acceptable to ask people who are not close friends to BYOB or a donation, let me tell you now, it is downright rude.
Burnsie, sorry for stealing your thread. As for your friend, I would opt out gracefully. If she asks you, then tell her you would prefer to not attend illegal events (it is illegal anyway, she is not a registered charity).