Marriage help. | ExpatWoman.com
 

Marriage help.

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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 22:17

I joined my husband out here with my 3 children after 9 months apart. It was the most agonising 9 months ever and finally it felt great being a family again. I started working as soon as I arrived which helped me meet new people. I progressed to management level which admittedly took away time from my family. After a year I made the decision to step down in order to spend more quality time with my family and with my husband as the stress levels were extremely high. My husband recently disclosed that he hasn't been happy in our marriage for the last 6 years, he states he tried telling me on numerous occassions but I just didn't listen :( This has come as devestating news which I was not expecting, he states "the spark is just not there anymore" and that I need to fight for this love and show it. I'm sorry but being dealt this blow I cannot bring myself to show love and affection for this man even tho deep down i love him with all my heart. I feel completely betrayed and insecure that I do not know what to do. Unfortunately I have no social network here as I built my time working fulltime and being with my children. Not sure if I should go back home.

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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 15:31
before I get a lashing I'm not suggesting OP's husband is having an affair
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 15:24
JWL I was devastated when it happened I 2 was on anti-depressions for a couple of years I believed in my vows and never wanted to get divorced I learnt for my past marriage I have to accept some of the blame & I hope to never make the same mistakes again. On the bright side I now have a wonderful OH and I make sure we always take time out for ourselves and not let other meaningless things take priority. JWL I'm not sure where you are in the process of your marriage but I know 1 thing it does get better. I'm the happiest now I've ever been. Good luck to you & Lisa lew <em>edited by hinze57 on 20/12/2012</em>
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 15:17
I suggest that he moves out of the house for a few weeks and see how things go during this time for both of you. I suggest that the OP moves out for a few weeks and lets him take care of the house/kids/gym kits for a few weeks, you will get a break and he will be so busy that he will forget what [b'>he[/b'> was supposed to be fighting for. Enjoy some nights at the movies and lazy mornings.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 15:09
Hinze57, I felt you were reading mind with your comments, same here, married even longer than you, told me he wasnt happy and had me jumping through hoops for 9 months trying to 'fix' us, and on anti-depressants when all along he had someone on the side, making plans for their future.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 12:39
Only you and your husband know what has been going on in your marriage. You have recognised now there is a problem , which has basically been down to a lack of communication between the two of you. (from your posts) Now you have to speak to your DH about the future. The harsh reality is that you have three children who have to be priority for both your DH and you. To divorce because the "spark is not there" and not try everything possible to save the marriage is not acceptable in my book. If there is abuse or affairs that is different but if this is just communication then you both need to grow up (to but it bluntly) and start communicating about the future and the harsh consequences of what could happen to your children should you split. Stop feeling angry it's a waste of energy and start talking to your DH and get some counselling to try to at least keep civility. If you keep angry then your communication will break down even further and this will be a disaster for your children. I also suggest you look at why your intimacy has been lacking between you, to say it's because i'm a working mum is not really an answer, dig deeper. Same for him, what has he done on the intimacy front and why not? No one has a perfect marriage, all marriages have up's and downs. The secret is to recognise those periods and talk about them with your spouse. Marriage is not one sided it has to be a partnership to work, you both need to address the issues as to why it's failing and you both need to address how you can make it work or at least give it a good shot. Small steps. Get help and take a deep look at yourselves. <em>edited by Lolacat on 20/12/2012</em>
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 12:23
Sorry to advise on a completely different spectrum to everyone else. Rather than making it about you (which us women are fantastic at doing) why dont you understand why your husband feels like this. Surely if it were the other way round everyone would be expecting your husband to make an effort again and show he loves you so why is it any different if he feels like this? We always lynch men on here but the truth is when a man really does love a woman he can becoming emotionally just as fragile as a woman. If your going to start feeling 'betrayed' and 'insecure' and perhaps he is feeling the same way then your just both a recipe for disaster.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 12:21
This is what I love and hate about forums - there is so much well-meaning advice and everyone wants to lend their support yet assumptions are often made that can create doubts and escalate a situation in OP's mind. None of us know OP or her DH so I don't see how value judgements on a person's character can be made when so little has been said about them. Plus OP called her thread "Marriage Help" not "Help me find reasons to end my marriage" So true! And let's face it, when was the last time anyone said "Wow, my DH put his feelings so eloquently, how I wish I could express myself so gently and sincerely!!" The ones that do express their feelings, that is! Better sometimes to judge a man's actions. I found this list, it is a litmus test of sorts, for a couple to use to assess their marriage if one or both parties feels a "loss of spark." I think it is rationally brilliant. 1. Does s/he make sacrifices for you? Is the relationship one of fair give-and-take? 2. Is s/he honest, loyal, trustworthy, faithful? (That sort of person is not as commonplace as you think.) 3. Is s/he reliable, dependable, there for you even when it’s not pleasant to be so? 4. Does s/he respect you, bolster your self-esteem, treat you well in the presence of others? 5. Does s/he support you in your personal goals and believe in your ability to achieve them? 6. Do you share a similar (or mutually respectful) attitude about important issues like religion, politics, family values, having or not having children? 7. Is it typical, when the challenges of life don’t interfere, for you to enjoy being together doing just about anything? 8. Do you have a reasonable amount in common, shared interests and tastes? And for those you don’t share, do you take an interest just for the sake of the other one? 9. Can you communicate effectively in spite of your personality differences, especially when mutual understanding takes some effort? Are you both willing to put in that effort? 10. Do you have a mutually satisfying physical relationship? (This has nothing to do with any perception of “normal” or “average”; all that matters is that you are both content.) Again, something a counselor would be beneficial for, taking some of the emotion and turning it into rationale. This list above, ironically, comes from a romantic fiction writer!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 11:28
Hi I am sorry to hear about your difficulties. Men don't seem to understand the amount of organization that goes into working full time, being a mother, being a wife and running a home. We have to be organised otherwise gym kits don't get washed and food doesn't miraculously appear in the fridge. Unfortunately, some men see this as us being bossy, and to be fair maybe we do become bossier, but my point is, some men are threatened by strong, organised, competent women and fail to see how chaotic their life would be without such a wife. Perhaps you have lost each other as individuals inthe day to day s*** of life. Perhaps someone else is making him feel special-although I am not suggesting he has done anything-and he is looking to you for help to restore what you had? You have a lot of history together and hopefully good memories. Try a trip down memory lane to access and then build those good feelings. I wish you lots of luck and am sure you will survive whatever you decide.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 11:19
Also for the women called him selfish and a child etc, HOW on earth do you know this?? There's nothing in OP's post that suggests this. Don't transpose. Telling a person to fight for your love can be, and often is, a persons way of controlling and bullying the other person in a relationship. It can be their way of making sure everything in their life is as they want it, they take and take and take and give nothing in return because thats they way they've managed to get the cookie to crumble. They can become bottomless pits on the receiving end of a loved ones efforts . To tell someone they have to fight for a loved ones love is cruel. To say lets fight for our marriage together is a very different thing. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 20/12/2012</em>
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 10:43
We have been out and talked things through, and alot appears to be my fault apparently, not being affectionate or intimate. Well come on I am working fulltime and bringing up 3 children and making a career for myself. He states he came out here in the hope it would benefit our marriage yet I was completely unaware of this. As a family we have been here for nearly 3 years now and only the last year has our marriage felt the strain. [b'>When we first discussed the issues I was optimistic about working things through and greatful that we had communicated our issues, but as time has gone by I find myself devastated, insecure, paranoid and now angry[/b'>. A working mother is no easy task! But when you feel those particular feelings, try to look at it this way: it sounds like he wants more of a certain part of you that he hasn't felt connected to in a long time. Your husband wants [i'>you[/i'>, feel great about that!
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 10:36
These days it appears the task of raising children is being carried out not by capable, trustworthy adults but by men and women who never really grew up. You hear fantastically self indulgent excuses to throw in the towel when the going gets rough and to throw innocent little children into a whirlpool of chaos just because it 'felt right' or 'good' for the parent. responsibility towards others and being accountable for yourself is old fashioned for todays generation of mixed up Peter Pans and Pollys. Of all the excuses, 'the spark is not there' has to be the most trite. Tell your chikd-husband he married a woman, not a machine. If I were you I'd throw a pair of spark plugs at him and tell him to - oh never mind. Should you have paid attention when he raised the topic? Yes. Is it something that can be rectified? Yes. Does he want to, only he knows. TBH he doesnt sound like someone worth fighting for. But, those children are a different matter and I really hope you two pull together and find this all important elusive flare he's been whining about! So true...
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 10:33
I suggest that he moves out of the house for a few weeks and see how things go during this time for both of you.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 08:55
In the 16 years that I have been married the "spark" has come and gone numerous times. I just don't buy into the whole bunny rabbits, flowers and pink hearts deal. At the end of the day I know that I love my husband and he loves me. It sounds like you need someone to talk to and work out the anger. Your husband is not asking you for a divorce. The way I read it he is saying, Help, listen to me, we need to work at this. Could you go to couples counselling? Sensible post. When husbands cheat, wives are quick to say "I didn't see the signs" or "why didn't he say something/tell me he was unhappy/tell me he felt. That something was missing". OP your husband is doing exactly this. Give him the benefit of the doubt and go see someone. Good luck x
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 08:43
I'm sorry Lisa. Being blindsided is devastating, even more so when you have to put on a happy face for the kids, carry on with work, and try to hold things together when those feelings are likely monopolizing your thoughts. I have a friend that went through a very similar thing. Except she was the one who felt the loss of the spark. Actually, her marriage was completely devoid of intimacy, and she didn't know what to do. She was married for 7 years, with no children. 5 of those years were celibate. I don't want to go into much detail about it, but it was painful for her to live in quiet desperation all those years, and even more painful to admit her unhappiness to her husband, because she knew it would hurt the man she loved. In the end they did get counseling and it did work, they are still together and acting almost like they used to when they first met. A counselor can help you work through the feelings of resentment, being dealt this blow, as well as help your husband realize this is a two way street and guide him with what he needs to work on. I really think you two need a professional, and since he has tried--although not very eloquently--to relay his feelings to you, I doubt there is a 3rd party involved. It has been my experience that men will pick fights and stonewall a wife they feel bad about cheating on to clear their conscience so they can carry on with an affair. Or just flat out leave. Seems he is doing neither. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and all over the world, others are going through this, too. See if he wants to go to a counselor. I think if you two can see someone there is more than a lot of hope. x
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EW GURU
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 00:11
In the 16 years that I have been married the "spark" has come and gone numerous times. I just don't buy into the whole bunny rabbits, flowers and pink hearts deal. At the end of the day I know that I love my husband and he loves me. It sounds like you need someone to talk to and work out the anger. Your husband is not asking you for a divorce. The way I read it he is saying, Help, listen to me, we need to work at this. Could you go to couples counselling?
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 20 December 2012 - 00:11
Lisa lew only you know what is best for you and your family I wish you health & happiness in whatevever you decide xx
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:36
hinze57, I just want to repeat your words; that we - women - are stronger that what we give credit for ourselves.... Yes! Amen to this, we are stronger than men, when women become in a long relationship, we tend to let go of our strong sould, and relax more and let ourselves confined in this relationship as it become the essence of life.... and that what make men *think* we need them in every aspect of our lives, and we can not survive without them. You are strong, becouse you are a women, nothing more, nothing less! take care hinze57 xxx I know we are much stronger than men we don't need them I am better and stronger person without my exhusdand I do have a new husband but he knows I don't need him in my life he is there because I want him in my life xx
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:30
hinze57, I just want to repeat your words; that we - women - are stronger that what we give credit for ourselves.... Yes! Amen to this, we are stronger than men, when women become in a long relationship, we tend to let go of our strong sould, and relax more and let ourselves confined in this relationship as it become the essence of life.... and that what make men *think* we need them in every aspect of our lives, and we can not survive without them. You are strong, becouse you are a women, nothing more, nothing less! take care hinze57 xxx
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:24
These days it appears the task of raising children is being carried out not by capable, trustworthy adults but by men and women who never really grew up. You hear fantastically self indulgent excuses to throw in the towel when the going gets rough and to throw innocent little children into a whirlpool of chaos just because it 'felt right' or 'good' for the parent. responsibility towards others and being accountable for yourself is old fashioned for todays generation of mixed up Peter Pans and Pollys. Of all the excuses, 'the spark is not there' has to be the most trite. Tell your chikd-husband he married a woman, not a machine. If I were you I'd throw a pair of spark plugs at him and tell him to - oh never mind. Should you have paid attention when he raised the topic? Yes. Is it something that can be rectified? Yes. Does he want to, only he knows. TBH he doesnt sound like someone worth fighting for. But, those children are a different matter and I really hope you two pull together and find this all important elusive flare he's been whining about!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:22
Gorobattie I am no longer in this relationship it just sounded very familiar to me when I hear the spark has gone. I also think if there is someone else involved OP should move on as she and her children will not be happy.If no one else is involved I do think they need to go out together as a couple on a date as I don't think enough couples with children do this and a marriage can go stale <em>edited by hinze57 on 19/12/2012</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:10
I feel sorry that both of you had gone through this, hine57 I don't know where you are right now in this relationship, the only thing I can say is: you need to know what you want first, is it the relationship or just move on... As for you Lisa Lew, you as well have to know what you want.... now you have 3 children in the middle of this, love spark is not the important thing for you or him, the 3 children are the most important here..... OP you need to sit down with your husband in a neutral place, no children, and not home. Invite hime out to talk about future, I would suggest you must dress nicely and please do your hair up and apply make up, buy a nice dress for that matter, go out with him, a nice dinner will be fantastic, do not start talking about your life together, I would suggest you treat him like a man you are dating him for the first time.....yes you would be dating him, I know this will be stressful but you need to see what the night will bring on.... If he gone along with you and both enjoyed the night, it means he is just having what happen with all long relationships boardroom...if he stopped the atmosphere and wanted to cut the chase.....I am sorry, that means there are another woman that is involved.... unfortunately, men are just little boys, they can be 100 years old, but still little boys, women are not, they are more mature even when they are just 10 years old. The spark that every man looking for, it only happen because the couple are not all the time together, their is the mystery serround the other that creat that spark... after moving in / marriage this spark gets smaller by time, as every one start to knew the other, and see each other not that tidy up, the nice clothes, the nice perfumes ...etc. I would suggest you need to date your husband again, and test the water befor you jump to the ocean of breaking up and going home..... Good luck both of you ladies, and stay strong.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:10
We have been out and talked things through, and alot appears to be my fault apparently, not being affectionate or intimate. Well come on I am working fulltime and bringing up 3 children and making a career for myself. He states he came out here in the hope it would benefit our marriage yet I was completely unaware of this. As a family we have been here for nearly 3 years now and only the last year has our marriage felt the strain. When we first discussed the issues I was optimistic about working things through and greatful that we had communicated our issues, but as time has gone by I find myself devastated, insecure, paranoid and now angry. Lisa, your husband has been unsettled for about 6 years so he perhaps thought to himself that rather than say this to my wife, or perhaps he couldnt because he didnt really know himself what he was unsettled about, he decided a move would do the family good. He then had 9 months here on his own and its just possible he preferred living apart, but he wanted to see how things would be once you got here and he gave things a go. Now he knows for sure what he probably knew 6 years ago, only this time he has said it. Dont let him pin all the blame on you in this, he hasnt behaved very well at all. Perhaps you could just say to him you're not fighting singlehandedly for your life together and you want to know what he'll be doing from his corner. It really does take two to tango.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:05
sounds more like he is a bit selfish - how has he supported you ? and made your life easier? or is he on of those who expects you to take care of the house the kids and still do everything for him? has he entertained the kids or taken care of dinner a few nights a week so you had a chance to relax and give more into the relationship between the two of you? I mean they are his kids too and your his wife what has he done in the last 6 years to make you feel special and loved ?
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 23:01
it's never just 1 persons fault what is he doing to make things right!!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 22:55
We have been out and talked things through, and alot appears to be my fault apparently, not being affectionate or intimate. Well come on I am working fulltime and bringing up 3 children and making a career for myself. He states he came out here in the hope it would benefit our marriage yet I was completely unaware of this. As a family we have been here for nearly 3 years now and only the last year has our marriage felt the strain. When we first discussed the issues I was optimistic about working things through and greatful that we had communicated our issues, but as time has gone by I find myself devastated, insecure, paranoid and now angry.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 22:42
You can fight we are all stronger than we give ourselfs credit for if you love him it's worth the fight. I know your feeling very hurt at the moment but he is giving you a chance to do something about it. Can you get a babtsitter and go out just the 2 of you and have a good chat about it?
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 22:41
There cant be many people who'd react kindly to being told they have to fight for their spouses love. I totally get how you feel and I dont think I could get past it, or want to get past it. Your husband says you didn listen to him when he was saying the spark was gone - well perhaps he wasnt speaking loudly enough because you'd have to be very deaf, or very dense to have not heard or noticed something in the six years. Does he feel as if he has any part in the stage things have got to. Did the start of the 6 years of unhappiness coincide with your husband being here alone for 9 months. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 19/12/2012</em>
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 22:32
Thank you so much for your reply hinze57, I know I have to fight for the sake of my kids but I don;t think I can do it on my own. I feel I am battling with my feelings that are stopping me from making it work. :(
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 December 2012 - 22:25
Hi Lisa lew I'm sorry you are going thro this I myself was married for 10 years and was then told the spark was gone. I did try to fight for my marriage only to find out he was seeing someone alot younger I'm not saying this is the case but find out if someone else is envoled if not you have to fight for the sake of your children. I hope it works out for you....Hugs
 
 

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