hurt (sorry a bit long) | ExpatWoman.com
 

hurt (sorry a bit long)

30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 21:49

My family don;t have a lot of cash.. ( understatement) and I am doing ok so happy to pay for them to come here every year ( where I pay for everything) plus hols in France each summer. My sis in law ( who i was really close to) has been ill so I phone regularly to see how she is and try to prvide emotional support.
For years now this has been only one way... no birthday card... never phoning me or texting me etc. this Christmas when I again got no cards or anything ( even for my son) altough some turned up on jan 6th, I was hurt and said it felt like I had no family. Since then I got a curt reply saying she had more important things to worry about than cards for me at Christmas. Though rest of family were all bought for.
Since then i said I was sorry for emailing and I was just a bit hurt but hoped they had a great holiday. when I have tried to make contact since it has been very frosty.
Its as if they think I have a wonderful life here so shouldn't complain about anything. i am lucky, I know that, but just want to feel wanted by my family too.
Its as if by actually saying something after all these years I have now damaged the relationship beyond repair

199
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 21:59
I think a lot of us expats have this same issue -more or less being away from our family and home - i think we crave that connection to where we come from and it hurts when family doesn't take the time - to call or text or mail (especially since all of these methods are so easily accessible ) and somehow everyone thinks we have lots of money which has replaced our hearts and need for love and affection from our families and if you have a better life - you deserve it - you left behind your home -your family you should leave it as it is - you where hurt at their actions but still contact them sooner or later they will realise you weren't expecting preferential treatment because you pay for the holidays but because you are family can d care about them and should care about you too!
2725
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 19:59
Go Girl, you arent the only one that has this, alot of us have the same, been here nearly 5 years and get no cards, no phone calls, we are expected to make the first move... until its holiday time, then its a different story... yes they do think we are rolling in it, not sure why, nothing to brag about, its not all a bed of roses, is it!!! I feel your pain. Do like I do, i only make calls to my DD and mum now, decided this afew years ago, and no i never receive any calls from anyone in my family. We are special, we do count, but some people forget this....
30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 19:32
thanks...I will keep in touch but perhaps not as often. Will see how it goes but you are right... I can;t chnge her.
30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 19:32
thanks...I will keep in touch but perhaps not as often. Will see how it goes but you are right... I can;t chnge her.
199
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 18:49
I have a similar relationship with my sister really. When I was back home for a few months, sorting out a Big problem, if I didn't contact her,she didn't contact me, and it infuriated me.I was upset/angry/confused.When I asked her if I had done anything wrong, she said I hadn;t, and that she is just busy, and doesn;t always keep her phone with her. This was difficult to accept,but my children made me realise that I cannot change her, I would miss her if I didn't make contact, and we have had this sort of relationship for a long time now.You see I felt guilty, as you do now, even though we have not done anything wrong. It is just that we want to show our care more.I also think that it is our need to 'hold on', as we are both away from our home lands.Some people take things for granted,an others are prepared are prepared to service their needs. I guess we know who we are.
30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 18:11
Its only my SIL I have kept in touch with. I see my brother when they come for hols both here and in France but he never contacts me inetween. I phone my mum but she has dementia so she can't phone me... mind you she didn;t when she was well either. Thats why its such a blow that SIL has eacted so badly
199
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 16:33
Is it just your SIL or are other members of the family ignoring you as well? Do you go and stay with them? I have a lot of sympathy for you.
513
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EW GURU
Latest post on 24 January 2013 - 10:42
thanks again... you are right, have done all I can. Will keep making contact to see how everyone is and will see how it goes Let them make contact for a change. This hurt you are feeling will be in vain if they dont learn something from all of this. You finally told them how you are feeling and they should have shown more empathy and understanding. I dont think you did anything wrong, so if I was you, I would distance myself, still be polite, but not be the one to always make the first move. They know they can get away with this behavior thats why things are the way they are. Show them you will no longer stand for it and I am sure they will come running back when they realise what they have 'lost'. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.
30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 22:21
thanks again... you are right, have done all I can. Will keep making contact to see how everyone is and will see how it goes
Anonymous (not verified)
0
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 22:17
thank you. I did not phrase it great as I got upset, had adrink, then sent email. never a great move! I said something along lines of feel like I have no family, but thats fine! Regret that now. hould have phrased it better but I have apologised and said it was because I was hurt but too late... damage has been done Well you have done your part and rather than feeling deeply insulted by the way you feel, maybe SIL needs to try to understand your feelings and have a grown up conversation about it. Hope you can sort it out, but don't take the blame for expressing your hurt.
30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 22:13
thank you. I did not phrase it great as I got upset, had adrink, then sent email. never a great move! I said something along lines of feel like I have no family, but thats fine! Regret that now. hould have phrased it better but I have apologised and said it was because I was hurt but too late... damage has been done
Anonymous (not verified)
0
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 22:09
I am happy just to let it go.. I know my sis in law has been ill and still has concerns and now her dad is terminally ill so don;t want to fall out over christmas cards....but its as if its too late now. Maybe we were not as close as I thought we were if i can't be forgiven for what I said. I regret the email i sent, but the hurt was genuine. edited by Go girl on 23/01/2013 You really don't have to cut off contact, and of course your sis in law is obviously going through a tough time. But you can be there for her without you spending on them. You didn't say anything wrng, in fact I agree with what you said!
30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 22:07
I am happy just to let it go.. I know my sis in law has been ill and still has concerns and now her dad is terminally ill so don;t want to fall out over christmas cards....but its as if its too late now. Maybe we were not as close as I thought we were if i can't be forgiven for what I said. I regret the email i sent, but the hurt was genuine. <em>edited by Go girl on 23/01/2013</em>
Anonymous (not verified)
0
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 22:06
I would still pay if they wanted to come over...and they know that. they just want to make me suffer for daring to have said anything... and its working! What you do now will set the tone for the future. You've said something so I would suggest you see it through. I agree, don't cut them off but not bringing them over will show you won't put up with mistreatment. Don't allow them to emotionally blackmail you.
30
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 22:02
I would still pay if they wanted to come over...and they know that. they just want to make me suffer for daring to have said anything... and its working!
Anonymous (not verified)
0
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 January 2013 - 21:56
Your family is blessed to have you in their family looking after them. I don't think your sister in law realizes that. You are so selfless and generous doing what you do. Your relatives are taking it for granted and do not do anything on their part. So maybe it's good things are a bit frosty now, let them realize how good you have been to them. But then maybe you do want to continue to contact them every now and then and ask how they're doing. I guess living abroad makes people forget we are still relatives but then it seems they know where you are when you're helping them out. Let it cool down for a bit, and don't worry too much about it. Sorry you're feeling this way though:(
 
 

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