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Is it just me or is this usual ? a custom I have never encountered before.

Whereintheworld76500

145

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 18:09

British friend (married to my brother) won't attend my child's birthday because is the same date as the anniversary of her mother's death ( which was some time ago).

Do people remember the death day and not the life or perhaps the birthday of that person ?
The day they left you and not the day's they spent with you ?

Would you dwell on that day and not celebrate a little boy's joy, be at a family gathering or acknowledge it other than it being in the way of her "celebration " .

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260

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 April 2014 - 10:51

If you change your original date this time she will expect you to hold it on a different date every year, so your son will not get to have a party on his actual birthday. The choice to attend is hers and if she doesn't feel up to celebrating with you it's better for all concerned for her to be elsewhere while you get on with enjoying yourselves. It's the ideal opportunity for you to organise a separate birthday tea a day or two later with her, brother, kids, FIL & FILs girlfriend, so your son gets 2 celebrations and take her feelings into account. Enjoy!

588

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 22:31

How does the convoluted back story affect how your friend chooses to remember her mum? Where does culture come into play here? This has nothing to do with learning about someone else's customs and everything to do with being completely self absorbed. I do hope *something* was learned here, not expecting the world to revolve around only your traditions and no one elses.

1236

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 21:44

Joyce, you made me laugh because it really is a term I use often. :) Thank goodness for that LOL!! Oi!!! Who you calling an OAP Lolacat ?? LOL! A[b'>m not even 59 yet[/b'> :p Which century? lol As we say in Scotland, pick a window, yer leavin'!!!!! Cheeky mare!! :D

1236

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 21:39

Joyce, you made me laugh because it really is a term I use often. :) Thank goodness for that LOL!! Oi!!! Who you calling an OAP Lolacat ?? LOL! Am not even 59 yet :p

2584

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 21:38

LC you are your old usual self tonight :D

2738

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 21:37

It's like a Scottish OAP's reunion.

1337

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 21:31

Joyce, you made me laugh because it really is a term I use often. :)

170

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 16:43

LT how are you? I hope you & yours are keeping well. :)

1236

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 16:22

People grieve in different ways and for some, the pain of loss never goes away. It was the 12th anniversary of my dad's death last week, my inlaws died 2 and 4 years ago and my best friend just under 2 years ago. They are all buried in our local cemetery and our family visit often with flowers. Life does go on though and I had to have a gentle word with my mum who, for a while was completely self absorbed with her own grief, to the point where she would talk about HER grief at funerals and more or less told my sister and I that we couldn't possibly be as upset as she was! She angered my MIL at my FIL's funeral by droning on about how miserable she was without my dad and that "you never get over it" Could have choked her! We certainly wouldn't avoid any anniversary date for any social occasion and it is not any kind of British custom but yes, there would be some folk who would prefer not to hold a social event on an anniversary. Mum is much better now and no longer expects my sister and I to meet up with her on what would have been dad's birthday, their wedding anniversary or his death date which she used to insist on!! "Could have choked her" You do make me laugh Joyce, with your Scottishisms. In fact I like to go further and if really really peed aff I say " eh could've bliddy choked her." It doesn't half stop the conversation at times given my poor mum did actually choke to death - on a fish supper. Not a whole one mind. ;) Oh, that is just awful for you!! What a terrible thing to happen! I do hope that my flippant remark didn't offend you! :( x

1337

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 13:49

People grieve in different ways and for some, the pain of loss never goes away. It was the 12th anniversary of my dad's death last week, my inlaws died 2 and 4 years ago and my best friend just under 2 years ago. They are all buried in our local cemetery and our family visit often with flowers. Life does go on though and I had to have a gentle word with my mum who, for a while was completely self absorbed with her own grief, to the point where she would talk about HER grief at funerals and more or less told my sister and I that we couldn't possibly be as upset as she was! She angered my MIL at my FIL's funeral by droning on about how miserable she was without my dad and that "you never get over it" Could have choked her! We certainly wouldn't avoid any anniversary date for any social occasion and it is not any kind of British custom but yes, there would be some folk who would prefer not to hold a social event on an anniversary. Mum is much better now and no longer expects my sister and I to meet up with her on what would have been dad's birthday, their wedding anniversary or his death date which she used to insist on!! "Could have choked her" You do make me laugh Joyce, with your Scottishisms. In fact I like to go further and if really really peed aff I say " eh could've bliddy choked her." It doesn't half stop the conversation at times given my poor mum did actually choke to death - on a fish supper. Not a whole one mind. ;)

1236

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 13:18

People grieve in different ways and for some, the pain of loss never goes away. It was the 12th anniversary of my dad's death last week, my inlaws died 2 and 4 years ago and my best friend just under 2 years ago. They are all buried in our local cemetery and our family visit often with flowers. Life does go on though and I had to have a gentle word with my mum who, for a while was completely self absorbed with her own grief, to the point where she would talk about HER grief at funerals and more or less told my sister and I that we couldn't possibly be as upset as she was! She angered my MIL at my FIL's funeral by droning on about how miserable she was without my dad and that "you never get over it" Could have choked her! We certainly wouldn't avoid any anniversary date for any social occasion and it is not any kind of British custom but yes, there would be some folk who would prefer not to hold a social event on an anniversary. Mum is much better now and no longer expects my sister and I to meet up with her on what would have been dad's birthday, their wedding anniversary or his death date which she used to insist on!!

77

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 11:22

Had a quick word with my brother and the plot has thickened. On the day in question his father in law will be over visting, so she is planning an rememberance day for her past mother. Brother said , this is the first time she has done this. He is still brings the kids to our party. It will leave her to remember her mother along with her Dad and his NEW GIRLFRIEND !!! I fail to see how this 'thickens the plot" and I find your suspicions totally uncalled for. Most likely she is making a point to her dad's new girlfriend by remembering her mum on that day, so in my view it only explains why she is not coming to your party. Given the fact that her kids and husband are coming I don't see why you are complaining about this. If you were a real friend you would take to her directly instead of talking to your brother behind her back. Why are your bitching me? How can people learn about different cultures , customs and traditions if they don't ask questions ? I only just learnt that my brother and his kids are coming . Why I posted was to see if it is a cultural thing english people do as when we announced the party she said it clashed with the date of the death anniversary and they all could not come. Her Dad has been married again since and was not even married to the dead mom when she died. She also remarried well before her death. I am not being mean. I was looking for opinions to help my understanding and whether I should cancel on account of the grief. edited by Whereintheworld on 14/04/2014 Very crass Whereintheworld. Your words lack emotion and respect for the dead.

CrashingWaves80223

680

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 09:19

Why are your bitching me? How can people learn about different cultures , customs and traditions if they don't ask questions ? Wow! Heartless, much. Why does it have to be a tradition? It is about her mother.

1601

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 09:13

Had a quick word with my brother and the plot has thickened. On the day in question his father in law will be over visting, so she is planning an rememberance day for her past mother. Brother said , this is the first time she has done this. He is still brings the kids to our party. It will leave her to remember her mother along with her Dad and his NEW GIRLFRIEND !!! I fail to see how this 'thickens the plot" and I find your suspicions totally uncalled for. Most likely she is making a point to her dad's new girlfriend by remembering her mum on that day, so in my view it only explains why she is not coming to your party. Given the fact that her kids and husband are coming I don't see why you are complaining about this. If you were a real friend you would take to her directly instead of talking to your brother behind her back. I only just learnt that my brother and his kids are coming . Why I posted was to see if it is a cultural thing english people do as when we announced the party she said it clashed with the date of the death anniversary and they all could not come. Her Dad has been married again since and was not even married to the dead mom when she died. She also remarried well before her death. I am not being mean. I was looking for opinions to help my understanding and whether I should cancel on account of the grief. Sounds like a good time for you and SIL to sit down and chat ,not relying on 2nd hand info from your brother. She could probably use a friendly ear by the sounds of it. <em>edited by Nomad on 14/04/2014</em>

2287

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 09:10

Had a quick word with my brother and the plot has thickened. On the day in question his father in law will be over visting, so she is planning an rememberance day for her past mother. Brother said , this is the first time she has done this. He is still brings the kids to our party. It will leave her to remember her mother along with her Dad and his NEW GIRLFRIEND !!! I fail to see how this 'thickens the plot" and I find your suspicions totally uncalled for. Most likely she is making a point to her dad's new girlfriend by remembering her mum on that day, so in my view it only explains why she is not coming to your party. Given the fact that her kids and husband are coming I don't see why you are complaining about this. If you were a real friend you would take to her directly instead of talking to your brother behind her back. I only just learnt that my brother and his kids are coming . Why I posted was to see if it is a cultural thing english people do as when we announced the party she said it clashed with the date of the death anniversary and they all could not come. Her Dad has been married again since and was not even married to the dead mom when she died. She also remarried well before her death. I am not being mean. I was looking for opinions to help my understanding and whether I should cancel on account of the grief. I got your original post and I believe you received plenty of opinions on the cultural aspect. It's your second post about the plot thickening that made me question your approach to this whole issue.

Whereintheworld76500

145

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 09:03

Had a quick word with my brother and the plot has thickened. On the day in question his father in law will be over visting, so she is planning an rememberance day for her past mother. Brother said , this is the first time she has done this. He is still brings the kids to our party. It will leave her to remember her mother along with her Dad and his NEW GIRLFRIEND !!! I fail to see how this 'thickens the plot" and I find your suspicions totally uncalled for. Most likely she is making a point to her dad's new girlfriend by remembering her mum on that day, so in my view it only explains why she is not coming to your party. Given the fact that her kids and husband are coming I don't see why you are complaining about this. If you were a real friend you would take to her directly instead of talking to your brother behind her back. Why are your bitching me? How can people learn about different cultures , customs and traditions if they don't ask questions ? I only just learnt that my brother and his kids are coming . Why I posted was to see if it is a cultural thing english people do as when we announced the party she said it clashed with the date of the death anniversary and they all could not come. Her Dad has been married again since and was not even married to the dead mom when she died. She also remarried well before her death. I am not being mean. I was looking for opinions to help my understanding and whether I should cancel on account of the grief. <em>edited by Whereintheworld on 14/04/2014</em>

4062

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 08:58

I find that sometimes I need to remind myself that whilst my children are the centre of my universe, they are not the centre of anyone else's and it's understandable if other people don't put their needs first. In saying that, it actually sounds like your SIL is being very selfless and doing all she can to keep everyone happy. Meeting her fathers new girlfriend for the first time could be hard for her, especially on the anniversary of her mother's death yet she has agreed to it - probably to keep her father happy. She possibly desperately would like her husband with her for moral support but she has agreed for him to attend your son's party - probably to keep you happy and so her son can enjoy the party. Your SIL sounds like she is behaving very kindly, I do hope everyone is being kind to her in return.

CrashingWaves80223

680

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 08:39

So, the problem is about her dad visiting with her mothers replacement during that time of remembrance. This must be painful for her. You could do with being her friend right now and respecting her feelings.

1601

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 08:34

Had a quick word with my brother and the plot has thickened. On the day in question his father in law will be over visting, so she is planning an rememberance day for her past mother. Brother said , this is the first time she has done this. He is still brings the kids to our party. It will leave her to remember her mother along with her Dad and his NEW GIRLFRIEND !!! Personally I would leave it alone......the saying 'walk a mile in my shoes ' comes to mind.It is not up to us to question how each individual handles grief. Your brother and the kids are coming, it's a kids party........let your SIL and her father and whomever he chooses to spend time with decide what they want to do on the day.

Anonymous (not verified)

0

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 07:27

Her father has the right to move on you know. Just because he has a new partner in his life doesn't mean he has forgotten about his wife that died. I think you are taking this too far, regardless of whether you agree with this or not, you need to see this separate from your son's birthday. I think what you are doing here is quite disrespectful.

1029

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 07:21

Just leave her be. She has the right to not want to attend a party on a day that she finds really sad. You cant really question that.

2287

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 07:15

Had a quick word with my brother and the plot has thickened. On the day in question his father in law will be over visting, so she is planning an rememberance day for her past mother. Brother said , this is the first time she has done this. He is still brings the kids to our party. It will leave her to remember her mother along with her Dad and his NEW GIRLFRIEND !!! I fail to see how this 'thickens the plot" and I find your suspicions totally uncalled for. Most likely she is making a point to her dad's new girlfriend by remembering her mum on that day, so in my view it only explains why she is not coming to your party. Given the fact that her kids and husband are coming I don't see why you are complaining about this. If you were a real friend you would take to her directly instead of talking to your brother behind her back.

Whereintheworld76500

145

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 April 2014 - 07:00

Had a quick word with my brother and the plot has thickened. On the day in question his father in law will be over visting, so she is planning an rememberance day for her past mother. Brother said , this is the first time she has done this. He is still brings the kids to our party. It will leave her to remember her mother along with her Dad and his NEW GIRLFRIEND !!!

1601

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 23:56

Both my parents are dead, as are my siblings, and a beloved DH. Of course I remember the dates they died, and their birthdays, and send a quiet thought to them all. But if I turned their loss into a parade for attention I would be diminishing both them and myself. Life is for the living, and we owe that to the ones who are gone. . So true..... My DIL's Birthday is the same day that my brother died......I get sad on the day but I think it is more about his lost years not about the actual day...he was only 21 when he died. I light a candle and have private time to grieve but will never let it interfere with DIL' s Birthday ,she has a right to her own day ,besides he would have wanted that way. <em>edited by Nomad on 14/04/2014</em>

Doubting Thomas

2298

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 23:41

Yes, I know people who remember anniversaries of family members' passing with their own traditions, I don't think it's unusual. A common one is to go and put flowers on the grave, often with other family members and make it an occasion to do something special in remembrance. It's unfortunate that the date is also her nephew's birthday celebration but I think her decision should be respected.

1443

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 21:38

Reckon she just wants to avoid your child's party. Maybe she is trying for a kid of her own and feels frustrated that it isn't happening? Maybe she just doesn't like children's parties? She has her own children. The death happened a very long time ago and the sensitivity was never mentioned when my son was born. Should I change our plans ? I mean the actual birthdate isn't going to change but we are celebrating on the actual day this year. I have never thought to remember my own fathers departure date .In life he was the type to think that death should not take away happiness of life. She is your sister-in-law??, have a word with her, perhaps suggest lighting a candle for her mum in the garden at the end of the birthday party as a gesture. I would really appreciate it if someone did this for my mum.

dolleymadison85571

514

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 21:36

Reckon she just wants to avoid your child's party. Maybe she is trying for a kid of her own and feels frustrated that it isn't happening? Maybe she just doesn't like children's parties? She has her own children. The death happened a very long time ago and the sensitivity was never mentioned when my son was born. Should I change our plans ? I mean the actual birthdate isn't going to change but we are celebrating on the actual day this year. I have never thought to remember my own fathers departure date .In life he was the type to think that death should not take away happiness of life. I still think she just doesn't want to go for whatever reason. For me, because I like people to be honest, I'd change the date and see what she does! Probably she'll come up with another excuse. However, it's possible that she feels you are being insensitive to have your child's party on the day her mother passed away.

Whereintheworld76500

145

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 21:31

Reckon she just wants to avoid your child's party. Maybe she is trying for a kid of her own and feels frustrated that it isn't happening? Maybe she just doesn't like children's parties? She has her own children. The death happened a very long time ago and the sensitivity was never mentioned when my son was born. Should I change our plans ? I mean the actual birthdate isn't going to change but we are celebrating on the actual day this year. I have never thought to remember my own fathers departure date .In life he was the type to think that death should not take away happiness of life.

Anonymous (not verified)

0

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 21:11

My grandmother lost her mother on New Year's Eve and her husband right after Christmas (years later) She does not enjoy that time of the year. I respect that, while the rest of my family celebrates Xmas and New Year's. I think every culture deals differently with mourning. I lived in Greece for a while and so many old ladies remain in their black clothing after their husbands passed away. When my mother passed away, I washed and shrouded her, completed my 3 days of mourning and moved on. I still think about her and it still hurts 6 months later, but I don't know if it will feel different when the time comes it's been a year, and I don't think I will make it an re-occuring day of remembrance. I will remember her as long I live. I don't think the way people deal with loss is necessarily a custom, it's quite personal.

9

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 13 April 2014 - 20:44

While it is quite reasonable to believe lady in question is attention seeker, I personally would not dismiss other peoples views and customs as I do not find it unusual. Coming from the country where black is worn for months and sometimes years of mourning, no jewelry, loud music, parties and so on. Yes, I have encountered people who choose not to have weddings, parties etc., right after or even few years after the death of loved one. It's a process. Mb she is just in very unhappy place right now. <em>edited by Kuna1 on 13/04/2014</em>

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