Low self esteem | ExpatWoman.com
 

Low self esteem

41
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 09:52

Ladies i could really do with some advice.

I've been in Dubai for a while now, i have found it so difficult to settle in here. I have never worked here as I have two kids to look after. That it self took time for me to get use to as I have always been so independent and all of a sudden i am totally dependant on my husband. Thankfully our relationship is great and i got over that quickly.

The problem now is that ever since we have had our kids our friends are dropping like flies. We were the first in our friends circle to have kids so we thought noone understands how much our responsibility has changed. But then since having our 2nd even our friends with one kid have all left us. From talking to people everyday to going for coffees often to nothing for months. I tried approaching but the response are now non existing. I run things over and over in my head and im sure i havent done anything to offend anyone but it seems friends nowadays can't be bothered to talk if theres a problem. I don't understand this silent treatment. This always happens when something changes in our life. We now feel like we have none here and although i enjoy my tike with the family i would love to meet other people.

Its tough for me to go out to coffee mornings as its during nap times for the kids, ive joined groups and again everyone meets up during the nap times. My youngest is 6 months so i just cant take her out of a nap just yet.

Ive started to think its me, i'm the problem, i'm not approachable (i don't know why) Its really putting me down and i just don't know what to do to get myself out of this. I've tried to change myself, my personality but how long can you keep up being someone your not??? I have always tried my best to be there for all my friends but its seems like being a nice person isnt good enough.

Is it normal for friends to come and go so quickly? If so how do you make new ones if you have no job or no time to go to gatherings?

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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 16:47
I was at Dubai Mall this morning and stopped for a coffee at the upstairs Costa. There was quite a large group of mums and bubs having a very relaxed/social get together. The "Expatwoman" rep seemed very bright and friendly, buzzing round having a chat with all that were there - looked like a great morning out.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 16:24
I have attended many play dates over the years and none have ever been full of maids. How about attending an EW Mums and Tots meet-up? What part of Dubai are you in?
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 16:17
I think you should organise a play date. If other mums turn up then great and if maids turn up, what's the problem with that. This way you are taking control and showing the 'so called friends' that you're string. Go for it. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 15:56
After reading all the comments and having a long chat with my sister i thought why not go to these play dates. Even if the nap doesn't work out its not like i'll be going everyday. I thought i'd do it so my kids can interact more with other kids and I too can meet other mums. Anyhow i got up and ready and as i was driving i was feeling so anxious and nervous, i kept thinking what if i'm the only mew mum there, would they want, i sat in the car for ten mins with so many thought going over and over in my head. In the end i thought, i need to stop feeling like this and just go in. When i hot there i noticed that not one single mum was there, they had all sent there maids/nannies instead. I couldn't help but think i'm panicking for no reason, i was actually the only mum, all the maids knew each other and were talking amongst themselves and paying half their attention to the kids while i just sat there thinking this is just great. I was so disheartened because the invite was for mums in our area and not one mum showed up. I understand that mums may be busy and have this to do but come on, is it like this at every play date? No, it's not. What kind of play date was this?? It was an invite to her villa, she said sometimes the mums come but majority of the time its always the maids. I was thinking of posting a play date on the page myself but don't feel too comfortable if i have a loads of maids show up.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 15:49
After reading all the comments and having a long chat with my sister i thought why not go to these play dates. Even if the nap doesn't work out its not like i'll be going everyday. I thought i'd do it so my kids can interact more with other kids and I too can meet other mums. Anyhow i got up and ready and as i was driving i was feeling so anxious and nervous, i kept thinking what if i'm the only mew mum there, would they want, i sat in the car for ten mins with so many thought going over and over in my head. In the end i thought, i need to stop feeling like this and just go in. When i hot there i noticed that not one single mum was there, they had all sent there maids/nannies instead. I couldn't help but think i'm panicking for no reason, i was actually the only mum, all the maids knew each other and were talking amongst themselves and paying half their attention to the kids while i just sat there thinking this is just great. I was so disheartened because the invite was for mums in our area and not one mum showed up. I understand that mums may be busy and have this to do but come on, is it like this at every play date? No, it's not. What kind of play date was this??
41
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 15:46
After reading all the comments and having a long chat with my sister i thought why not go to these play dates. Even if the nap doesn't work out its not like i'll be going everyday. I thought i'd do it so my kids can interact more with other kids and I too can meet other mums. Anyhow i got up and ready and as i was driving i was feeling so anxious and nervous, i kept thinking what if i'm the only mew mum there, would they want, i sat in the car for ten mins with so many thought going over and over in my head. In the end i thought, i need to stop feeling like this and just go in. When i hot there i noticed that not one single mum was there, they had all sent there maids/nannies instead. I couldn't help but think i'm panicking for no reason, i was actually the only mum, all the maids knew each other and were talking amongst themselves and paying half their attention to the kids while i just sat there thinking this is just great. I was so disheartened because the invite was for mums in our area and not one mum showed up. I understand that mums may be busy and have this to do but come on, is it like this at every play date?
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 15:31
It does sound like a form of post natal depression to me, even if just a mild case, I would encourage you to try and speak to someone professionally. Almost everyone at Lifeworks is good. Maybe have a look at their website and have a think about it possibly being PND... Nice ad
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 15:29
Have you considered posting this on the Facebook group where you're meeting these people ? Not in a complaining way and not pointing any fingers of course but maybe you could just use it to reach out and see what feedback you get... I have experienced this before (on the receiving end) when someone loves to make new friends, goes out of their way to find them but doesn't make any effort to maintain the relationship and then drops them suddenly for no reason, as if the biggest kick of the whole thing is the finding rather than the keeping..if that makes sense... I'll admit it is nice when you click with someone on a forum or facebook group but it's a two way street and you both need to make the effort... Although to be honest, for me, all this making an effort can get too much and most of the time i'm happier mooching around on my own !! lol I agree with the poster who said maybe you are trying too hard - start looking for women you can have an occasional coffee or lunch with (don't let your children's naps control you, if you're out they can sleep in their buggy - mine did all the time) rather than hoping everyone you meet is going to be your new BFF (ugh !! horrible term !! lol). Join some different groups or forums...spread your net wider and try not to take things to heart...all mums are busy and I doubt many of them are doing this on purpose...sometimes we forget or accept invitations because we don't want to offend yet when the time comes find ourselves making an excuse...there are as many different types of behaviour here as there are people...you have to kiss a lot of frogs...so to speak :D
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 16:12
It does sound like a form of post natal depression to me, even if just a mild case, I would encourage you to try and speak to someone professionally. Almost everyone at Lifeworks is good. Maybe have a look at their website and have a think about it possibly being PND...
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 12:22
Serious the nap thing is hard, but you have to get around it if you want friends. I have the opposite problem I have a middle-schooler in school all day, and I am meeting some wonderful ladies who have small kids. I only meet people that have tiny babies or older women who's kids are gone and left for college! I want to invite them to do things, but the baby/kid/something usually gets in the way. Honestly once you are out of the baby phase it's hard to have friends in that very young phase, because you can't just take off and go to the Blue Souk or explore a nice restaurant for lunch with a baby or several toddlers in tow. But if you are not working there must be some time for you to meet up with people, even if it's just for coffee.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 12:02
What do you like doing? Why not take up a hobby that you like doing and stop worrying about what others think. Seriously there are so many dumb a$$ people in Dubai - who really cares what they think about you - as long as you know who you are, and you are happy with yourself, it does not matter what other people think. Start spending time doing things you love to do - and stop beating yourself up; the rest will fall into place. BTW - have you thought that you may be using your children as excuse not to see these friends as subconciously you don't want to....
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 12:01
It doesn't sound ridiculous at all Diamonds86, it's common to lose your confidence after a baby and something I have struggled with too. It sounds like you might need a bit of help dealing with your feelings. Could you see a counsellor, on your own this time, not with your husband? It's a horrible way to live feeling so unsure of yourself all the time and it's so easy to lose sight of who you are after children. Talk to your husband. Confide in the two friends that you used to do play dates with. Your youngest child is still only six months old, things will get better.
41
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 11:49
She didn't turn up and hasn't contacted/respomded to me since. With my first i had a two other friends that had their babies 3 weeks before me, i was the last and we made an effort to do play dates and so on. I always reach out because i have always been use to being around people and we always work around each others routines, its never been a problem. After my first i was so overweight it was horrible but after some time i really put the edfort in and lost if. This time the weight has come of itself very quickly. I keep telling myself i ahould be happy as i know how depressed i was before but its so hard to pick myself up. Like you daza i do also do exercise at home when the little one naps. My older one loves it and joins in with me which is fgreat To be totally honest i think a part of me is scared too. Some of my friends invite me out with a bunch of new people that i don't now and the feeling of not being accepted terrifies me too. It never use to be a problem but now i feel like if i don't say, look or do things a certain way i'll be automatically left out. It sounds so ridiculous i know, but i have totally loat my confidence now and im struggling to find it again.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 11:28
When you say you agreed a time and day but it just never happened, what do you mean? Did you not turn up or did she not turn up? Please don't take this the wrong way and I don't want to upset you when you are already down but not being in contact is a two way street, did you also apologise to your friend for not being in contact? And was it her having to work around your schedule, when you are free etc? It sounds like maybe you were the first to have a baby and you expected people to work around you now you are the first to have a second baby so again you expecting people to work around you. Aside from the friend issue, need to work on making yourself feel good again. I find eating well and exercising regularly make a massive difference to how I feel. I make a big effort to eat well and I make time for exercise. It can be such an effort when you are tired but it is worth the lift it will give your mood. I walk with the double buggy in the morning and exercycle in from of the TV as soon as my children are in bed. Most nights I'd rather just collapse on the couch when they are finally in bed but I make myself do it. And it's worth it. These things might not work for you but find something that does make you feel good and put the effort in to do it. With no help you can't go out in the evening with your husband but have occasional nights at home when you cook a nice meal, dress up a bit and talk. Or play cards or scrabble. You don't need to leave the house to make time for each other.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 11:09
So a friend of mine did apologise for being terrible in contacting me and so on i told her its fine and that i'm glad she got in touch now she then went on saying that we will meet the following week. I told her exactly when i am free as i have to drop the older one the nursery too. So we argeed a time and day but it just never happened. I then contacted her to ask if everything is okay and its now been 2 months and shes yet to reply bk but i know shes fine as fb tells me shes out on brinches and so on. It seems like a choice and maybe your right daza when you say i may be looking at things differently because im down but its so hard for me to get out of this now. I've been trying so much it has effected my marraige but we fixed it with a few trips to couselling, we have no help, no us time, no social life. I told my husband over the weekend that i love them all so much but im starting to hate my life now. My youngest is a better sleeper and i wil try and get out more during her morning nap, will definitely take your comments on board. Tbh when i tried this before it felt like everyone had already made there group and was not willing for anyone else to join . But i'm happy to try new places again and hope my experience is different.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:53
I agree with Izzy and others. Although you are [i'>saying[/i'> you want to have friends and meet up with people, you also seem to be using any excuse not to - whether its "nap time" or not wanting to "make the effort" to go to a party that a friend invited you to (btw, I think they made the effort by inviting you in the first place). I obviously don't know you, but from the little bit here, I think you might not realize that you're making too many excuses and preventing yourself from having friends. People pick up on it quickly and tend to stop inviting/offering/reaching out when you have a habit of rejecting their attempts at connecting with you. <em>edited by DivineBeet on 31/08/2014</em>
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:51
Hi Diamonds86 I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Is it possible that because you are down it is slightly skewing how you view things? You say they invite you over for children's birthdays but you don't feel like going and then that it is upsetting because it is always you making the effort. If they are inviting you over then they ARE making an effort, if you want to try to salvage the friendships you need to accept invitations when they are offered and then reciprocate with invitations of your own. Have you actually invited your friends over to meet your new baby? A proper certain date and time invitation, not a vague 'you must come over sometime' type invitation. I know it is hard when you are exhausted with small children and everything seems like such an effort but if you are trying to save floundering friendships or make new ones then really do need to try hard. Ask people over for a meal, you can always order takeaway if you are too tired to cook. Organise to go out in the evening with your girlfriends while your husband stays home with the children. It can be a herculean effort to get yourself glammed up and out in the evening but it is worth it to have some adult time with your friends, to talk about something other than children and to get a chance to finish your sentences without interruption from small people. I agree with Izzy, you do need to stop using excuses and be a bit more flexible. You say you have no job and no time to go to gatherings but if you aren't working you DO have the time, you just need to make the effort and reorganise yourself so you can find the time. The more you isolate yourself the more you will be isolated.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:45
I am very new here and I do know it's challenging. So far I have found people are quite friendly but at the end of the day it's a two way street and both parties need to work hard if you want to get a friendship 'off the ground' so to speak. I do understand the challenges of nap times! We must follow a similar schedule because all the kids activities and coffee mornings seem to be smack bang in the middle of our nap time too. And my girl won't sleep just anywhere unfortunately! Did you invite people around when you had your baby? They may not have felt comfortable just dropping by. If they are inviting you to birthday parties etc then they actually are making the effort. They wouldn't invite you if they didn't want to spend time with you. Friendships change when babies come along. True friendships, maybe not, but either way they will change. You need to find a new way of interacting with old friends. It won't be as easy to meet up for coffee anymore and you might need to invite people over to your place etc etc. It does take work. You also need to be prepared to forgive when they can't fit in with you, and likewise they will have to do the same. Most importantly - the beauty of Dubai is that there are always new people to make friends with. So if you are feeling that the old ones aren't working out. Make some new ones :)
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:43
As a mom of 4, and with 2 currently taking naps, I recommend Diamonds that you get your baby used to napping on the go. I also have a 6 month old and I go out all the time with him. If I stayed home for every nap, I would never leave the house! You can leave at your baby's nap time, let him/her fall asleep in the car, then transfer. My son is currently non-transferable but I know from experience that if you keep on transferring, eventually they will sleep through the transfers! Also, let your baby fall asleep at the breast or bottle and then just put him/her in their stroller or wear a baby carrier.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:43
are you sure it's another people? re-read your post - it sounds like you are using nap time as excuses not to meet up with people.... People will stop asking if you keep saying "naptime" People are not asking directly, its a fb group. My youngest has just got in a routine where she has been sleeping much better. I'm hesitant to change it atm as shes doing well, ofcourse for me thats a priority. But i feel like i'm losing out because of it. I started going to loads before with my 2.5yr old but things changed when i fell pregnant again.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:31
are you sure it's another people? re-read your post - it sounds like you are using nap time as excuses not to meet up with people.... People will stop asking if you keep saying "naptime"
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:24
Thanks Chooksgirl, I totally understand what you are saying which is why i did totallg back off but its all a little disheartening like for example a friend on a group want to borrow something and i had it spare so i contacted her and told her she could take it free of charge and not to worry about giving it back. She was so happy, we met up and it was lovely. At that time i was pregnant and she would say how lovely it would be if i had another girl and so on. But its now been six months since i had my baby and not one of our friends have even bothered to come over to see us. We bump into them and they all make excuses. Then they invite us over for their kids birthdays but i don't feel like going because i feel the friendship isn't real. At the same time i think should i go to make an effort...but its upsetting because i feel like its always me making the effort. Its just a horrible feeling
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 August 2014 - 10:11
I think you're trying too hard. People love mystery so you need to hold back for a while. Make yourself mysterious. Get engrossed in your life and your interests and eventually people will become curious about you and will come to you. The best thing is be confident and show it. Watch your children and see how they interact. When they are playing if one is focused on what they are doing the other child will want to take part. Regarding nap times, can't these be taken anywhere. From my own experience, children, if they are tired, will sleep anywhere. Relax a little <em>edited by Chooksgirl on 31/08/2014</em>
 
 

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