Pregnant maid, am at a loss as to what to do. | ExpatWoman.com
 

Pregnant maid, am at a loss as to what to do.

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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 09:59

So my maid comes back from her days off yesterday and tells me she has been in extreme pain all day (stomach area) so went to a doctors with her sister, had bloods taken and hands me a sheet of paper with all her results on. The paper says (amongst other things) that she has tested positive for pregnancy. I ask her to do a test right then which she does and yes she is pregnant. She swears blind she hasn't done the deed since early May when she was on her vacation and therefore with her husband. I ask her repeatedly if this is true, she says without a doubt. So I take her to hospital (concerned she may be having an ectopic pregnancy due to the pain she is in and neck/shoulder ache too) where she is scanned and hcg levels are done, scan shows a 5-6 week embryo but no heartbeat (the doctor says it's too early and a heartbeat wouldn't have shown anyway) and hcg levels are normal for that stage gestation. I guess my question is - can she possibly have had a missed miscarriage and her body just hasn't lost the embryo yet? Bearing in mind her hcg levels are normal for 5-6 weeks and she should be around 4 months if the last time she had intercourse was in early May? Hcg levels are being repeated tomorrow. I am so torn, part of me wants to believe her but the other part finds it almost impossible to believe she has not miscarried naturally in 2+ months.

Anonymous (not verified)
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 September 2014 - 08:56
Yes, very true and not that uncommon. Much to my shock, I have been through over the past 2 months. Alhamdulillah, am nearly beck to normal now. I suspect that is why most women keep their pregnancies secret until the 3 month mark in Arab and Eastern culture. Mrsb, I hope you also return to a calm emotional state, while your body heals. Thank you Apricot. Yes, it has been very hard on my body at my mature age.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 03 September 2014 - 01:17
Yes, very true and not that uncommon. Much to my shock, I have been through over the past 2 months. Alhamdulillah, am nearly beck to normal now. I suspect that is why most women keep their pregnancies secret until the 3 month mark in Arab and Eastern culture. Mrsb, I hope you also return to a calm emotional state, while your body heals.
Anonymous (not verified)
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 September 2014 - 21:19
Glad that you have the situation resolved OP However I would like to say that the maid may not have lied to you - you were correct in saying that a missed miscarriage means that the baby dies (often between weeks 4-6) but the body fails to realise that it is no longer pregnant and often people do not find out until they go for a scan at 3-4 months It happened to me and I did not find out until I had severe pain in week 13 Yes, very true and not that uncommon. Much to my shock, I have been through over the past 2 months. Alhamdulillah, am nearly beck to normal now. It would be the generous thing to give her the benefit of the doubt, especially as your children like her and you are happy with her work otherwise. Good for you SaraN
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 02 September 2014 - 21:02
Good for you SarahN :)
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 September 2014 - 19:51
Glad that you have the situation resolved OP However I would like to say that the maid may not have lied to you - you were correct in saying that a missed miscarriage means that the baby dies (often between weeks 4-6) but the body fails to realise that it is no longer pregnant and often people do not find out until they go for a scan at 3-4 months It happened to me and I did not find out until I had severe pain in week 13 I agree, I have done a lot of research and it is possible. I know it's easy to look in and see things very black and white but I know that if she were 5 weeks pregnant that she would have conceived between x dates and I know she didn't have days off over that time. I've decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and she will be returning in a months time, she is back home now and has told me today that the embryo stopped growing at 5 weeks and she needs a d&c. I will never know for sure if she is telling the truth or not but she is a good worker, my children adore her, she adores my children and she has worked with us for a considerable period of time with no other issues.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 02 September 2014 - 19:00
Glad that you have the situation resolved OP However I would like to say that the maid may not have lied to you - you were correct in saying that a missed miscarriage means that the baby dies (often between weeks 4-6) but the body fails to realise that it is no longer pregnant and often people do not find out until they go for a scan at 3-4 months It happened to me and I did not find out until I had severe pain in week 13
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 02 September 2014 - 18:24
Well she's gone home. Thanks everyone. What a day!! Good and wise decision.
Anonymous (not verified)
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 September 2014 - 07:11
Sadly here, you can't risk these types of problems in your home. It is best you sent her home. If you really wanted to help her, you could send her some funds once she is home and settled and has decided what she is going to do.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 21:22
Bet you are relieved!!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 20:24
Well she's gone home. Thanks everyone. What a day!!
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 14:26
You do not need to cancel her visa. Give her 10 days "sick leave", let her sort out the mess and let her return, unless you want to go through the whole process again to get a new maid. She is just human who did a stupid mistake (love sometimes does this to a person). edited by blokkop on 01/09/2014 What if she wants to keep the baby? You can't just assume she doesn't.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 14:11
I don't see the benefit of giving her sick leave... In any case OP will need to find a new maid, it's impossible to move forward with the situation as is.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 13:52
Personally I wouldn't wait until tomorrow... This happened with someone I know and they drove her directly to the airport.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 12:31
@Sarahlou I have no idea about pregnancy details about maids. As far as I know you only go to jail if you are unmarried and deported if you are married,pregnant and a maid. I could be wrong.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 12:29
She clearly got pregnant last month. The heartbeat is only strong enough around 8+ weeks to hear and sometimes only until the 12th week. At least she is married so there will be no jail involved but she needs to go home and face the music. You would feel awkward having a pregnant women cleaning your home anyways. I didn't think they were allowed to get pregnant even if they are married. Is that part of their labor law ( Please don't quote me on this)
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 12:21
She clearly got pregnant last month. The heartbeat is only strong enough around 8+ weeks to hear and sometimes only until the 12th week. At least she is married so there will be no jail involved but she needs to go home and face the music. You would feel awkward having a pregnant women cleaning your home anyways.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 12:17
thats terrifying... getting into such situation... where you are not responsible yet cant get away with it easily. I think you should wait no longer for any more tests.. speak to her and get the truth and send her back with the next flight, I agree get her out as soon as possible If anything goes wrong you may be responsible for her Better she is on a plane than in Dubai jail
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 11:22
thats terrifying... getting into such situation... where you are not responsible yet cant get away with it easily. I think you should wait no longer for any more tests.. speak to her and get the truth and send her back with the next flight,
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 11:19
As she has already been to hospital and they assured me she would not be reported as she is married, I will wait until tomorrow. If her hcg levels have increased then I will know she is lying and I can send her away with a clear conscience. From googling, it appears that very rarely you can retain a non developing embryo for a prolonged period of time and hcg levels could remain the same (but not increase). I fear that I am probably being ridiculous and do realise that more probably than not she is 5-6 weeks along with a developing pregnancy but I would rather wait a day and find out for sure either way. On a side note dh was not in the country 5-6 weeks ago, so that wouldn't wash even if she did go down that route. I could be wrong, but I was under the impression that unless she has an attested marriage certificate on hand, her marriage won't be recognized? Also, if her husband is not in the country, what good would it do her if she is found to be 5-6 weeks along? If it were only her responsibility it would be one thing. Again, from my understanding, you are held responsible for what would be considered adultery while she is under your care? Eek what a mess. You're being far more tolerant than I would be.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 11:18
As she has already been to hospital and they assured me she would not be reported as she is married, I will wait until tomorrow. If her hcg levels have increased then I will know she is lying and I can send her away with a clear conscience. From googling, it appears that very rarely you can retain a non developing embryo for a prolonged period of time and hcg levels could remain the same (but not increase). I fear that I am probably being ridiculous and do realise that more probably than not she is 5-6 weeks along with a developing pregnancy but I would rather wait a day and find out for sure either way. On a side note dh was not in the country 5-6 weeks ago, so that wouldn't wash even if she did go down that route. That's great, at least you have some breathing space to deal with it. Good luck.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 11:12
On a side note dh was not in the country 5-6 weeks ago, so that wouldn't wash even if she did go down that route. That's some good news at least - be careful she doesn't run if she gets wind that you are sending her home.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 11:10
I am well aware of that. I'm just saying - it's a consideration. But what is the alternative? What would you do in this situation? How is it possible to ensure she is going somewhere safe? The OP needs to provide her with a flight home, what she does when she gets there with regards to her husband and her baby can't realistically be the OP's responsibility. She can have the baby or not, she can tell her husband or not.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 11:07
As she has already been to hospital and they assured me she would not be reported as she is married, I will wait until tomorrow. If her hcg levels have increased then I will know she is lying and I can send her away with a clear conscience. From googling, it appears that very rarely you can retain a non developing embryo for a prolonged period of time and hcg levels could remain the same (but not increase). I fear that I am probably being ridiculous and do realise that more probably than not she is 5-6 weeks along with a developing pregnancy but I would rather wait a day and find out for sure either way. On a side note dh was not in the country 5-6 weeks ago, so that wouldn't wash even if she did go down that route.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 11:01
That's not. BUT as a 'human-being' it would be responsible to make sure she at least is going somewhere safe. And everyone seems to forget the innocent party - the child. Honestly some people are so heartless. The responsible thing to do (for all concerned) would be for her to leave the country so at least she can't be jailed for her mistake. It may not seem 'fair' but we all know the rules when we move here and we abide by them or take the consequences. The reality is she can't be here pregnant with an illegitimate child. If she has problems and needs medical care she will be reported and her husband will find out. The longer she leaves it to go home the less likely it is she will be able to hide it from her husband. It's horrible but what other choice does she have? What would you honestly do? Keep her her and risk her being jailed? What if she requires medical care but doesn't miscarry - she will end up giving birth in jail. I am well aware of that. I'm just saying - it's a consideration.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 10:53
That's not. BUT as a 'human-being' it would be responsible to make sure she at least is going somewhere safe. And everyone seems to forget the innocent party - the child. Honestly some people are so heartless. The responsible thing to do (for all concerned) would be for her to leave the country so at least she can't be jailed for her mistake. It may not seem 'fair' but we all know the rules when we move here and we abide by them or take the consequences. The reality is she can't be here pregnant with an illegitimate child. If she has problems and needs medical care she will be reported and her husband will find out. The longer she leaves it to go home the less likely it is she will be able to hide it from her husband. It's horrible but what other choice does she have? What would you honestly do? Keep her her and risk her being jailed? What if she requires medical care but doesn't miscarry - she will end up giving birth in jail.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 10:48
If she is Phillipino , everything will be fine. She can tell her DH that she was raped by the Sir or she can just tell him the truth and he will probably just choose to leave her or forgive her. If she is Sri Lankan, it may be an issue. In all cases, the one who suffers the most is the child. He/she will never have the right to know its father...
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 10:34
That's not. BUT as a 'human-being' it would be responsible to make sure she at least is going somewhere safe. And everyone seems to forget the innocent party - the child. Honestly some people are so heartless. FD, that is all well and lovely but do you know what the alternative is if she stays here and has a child out of wedlock? Whilst Izzy's point comes across rather hard, ultimately she is correct and it is the responsibility of the maid. This is not a victim of rape, this person made a choice as many seems to do and get it very wrong. The domestics here seem to have amazing love lives, just beyond me.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 10:28
Well the advice is pretty clear cut, be interesting to know what the OP does.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 10:23
What a horrible situation. She really needs to tell you the truth about it. One thing that no one is considering though - and just from the human point of view - is obviously she's been unfaithful and I know it's not your problem. But what will her husband/family do when confronted with an adulterous wife and illegitimate child? We all know that some of these countries and people take a horrific view of it, so you might have to be prepared that she will freak out at the prospect of being sent home, to a possibly life endangering situation. She will go home and lie and deal with it in her home country without her husbands knowledge. She will freak out and lie her back teeth off to the OP anyway, the OP must be prepared for her to do a runner and have everything in place to deport her.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 01 September 2014 - 10:20
What a horrible situation. She really needs to tell you the truth about it. One thing that no one is considering though - and just from the human point of view - is obviously she's been unfaithful and I know it's not your problem. But what will her husband/family do when confronted with an adulterous wife and illegitimate child? We all know that some of these countries and people take a horrific view of it, so you might have to be prepared that she will freak out at the prospect of being sent home, to a possibly life endangering situation.
 
 

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