Pre-Marital Stress | ExpatWoman.com
 

Pre-Marital Stress

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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 01 October 2014 - 17:51

How would you counsel a young muslim girl in her 20's who is going through pre-marital stress.

She is afraid if she will be able to handle her responsibilties well and be a good wife. She is being moody and having fights with her siblings, afraid of her future etc.

TIA

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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 12:14
Is she stressed about the wedding ceremony or the union itself?
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 11:59
A few nerves are quite normal... But longer term jitters, is this what she really wants to do? Or does that matter in this particular situation (I'm not commenting on the rights or wrongs of it just observing that this is sometimes the reality).
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EW GURU
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 09:31
I'm sure she is well aware of the birds and the bees, however that doesn't make the 'first time' any less nerve wracking! I think we are all nervous our first time and with the added pressure of literally everything in your life changing, I'm sure its pretty scary even if she likes the guy. Maybe just try and tease it out of her by telling her about your own experience?
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 08:38
I don't think there is anything you can do about it. A lot of times,[b'> women from some Asian cultures are even unaware of what marital relations are about until just right bfore the wedding when the bomb is dropped.[/b'> [b'>I think it is terrible to inform people of th topic of birds and bees so late but have seen it happen to one girl who was told about a month before her wedding. [/b'>Of course it was too much to bear. Marriage is already going to be stressful for someone who hasn't had a relationship and gotten to know the guy and it will be even more for someone who doesn't know what marital relations are all about until the wedding is arranged. Was she married off at 14!
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EW GURU
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 08:37
Or it could be alarm bells ringing. If she knows the guy, has talked and met a few times, maybe some gut instinct is telling her something is off. How old is she. Someone who is in her early twenties barely knows herself, let alone have life experiences that will guide her to make wise decisions, its quite different being on the cusp of 30. Marry not to please the parents, siblings and second-cousins, or for the so-called social worth of the family she is marrying into. This is one of those decisions that really should be made for herself alone. Wise words indeed To the OP: Try to find out if there is something about the guy that has triggered an alarm and she is to scared to investigate/ask as she fears she will be blamed if the wedding breaks down. That is a very key thing as I know someone who broke down a few hours after the wedding that she could not stay with the guy, and of course it was 100% worse than having said it a few days before the wedding.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 08:33
Marriage is already going to be stressful for someone who hasn't had a relationship and gotten to know the guy and it will be even more for someone who doesn't know what marital relations are all about until the wedding is arranged. That may be true in some remote areas with uneducated people but almost definitely does not apply to the girl the OP is talking about
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EW GURU
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 08:10
It could be pre-wedding jitters. Everyone gets them and these are a normal process as the mind works through the stress of such a huge life decision. Or it could be alarm bells ringing. If she knows the guy, has talked and met a few times, maybe some gut instinct is telling her something is off. How old is she. Someone who is in her early twenties barely knows herself, let alone have life experiences that will guide her to make wise decisions, its quite different being on the cusp of 30. Marry not to please the parents, siblings and second-cousins, or for the so-called social worth of the family she is marrying into. This is one of those decisions that really should be made for herself alone.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 02 October 2014 - 07:58
I was petrified before I wed! The nerves washed over me and I went from excited fiancee to nervous wreck! I kept thinking about everything - that was the problem. I did not stop and enjoy the lead up, I let it overwhelm me. Some people are like this. When she graduated from university, was she nervous leading into the graduation ceremony? That is one sign that nerves are a personality trait. Or, everything in her life has been organized and known until now. Enter school - you go everyday, the end is a certificate. Enter university, you work towards set goals with a little choice, at the end you get the certificate. I avoided high stress situations where possible. Let those who love her handle the wedding details if they are overwhelming her. Why no do a creative activity with her? Take a cooking class, a cake decorating class, no stress, no expectations. I know three others who had pre marital jitters, she is not alone! ETA I lived on rescue remedy and herbal tea to get the nerves controlled. edited by Londiamond on 02/10/2014 <em>edited by Londiamond on 02/10/2014</em>
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 October 2014 - 23:06
I don't think there is anything you can do about it. A lot of times, women from some Asian cultures are even unaware of what marital relations are about until just right bfore the wedding when the bomb is dropped. I think it is terrible to inform people of th topic of birds and bees so late but have seen it happen to one girl who was told about a month before her wedding. Of course it was too much to bear. Marriage is already going to be stressful for someone who hasn't had a relationship and gotten to know the guy and it will be even more for someone who doesn't know what marital relations are all about until the wedding is arranged.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 01 October 2014 - 20:42
She is really young and perhaps she is just not in love - "whatever 'love' means" - as Prince Chalres once said to the world on his engagement!
Anonymous (not verified)
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 October 2014 - 19:23
I think for a Muslim girl it's different because she hasn't lived together with the guy and hasn't been in a long term relationship before decided to get married. So it's all quite an unknown thing. The most important thing is, is that she is happy with the guy she is going to marry, but maybe she can try to not think too much of what kind of wife she will be. As someone close to her, comfort and reassure her, that's all you can do really.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 01 October 2014 - 19:17
Thanks ladies . She gets married in a month, has completed her education from a prestigious university and is happy with the family and the guy she is marrying. but as the days are nearing she is having these thoughts. Pre-wedding jitters? She is close to me so is asking me to help her with these feelings. Just the fear of the unknown future. I am talking her through it but still would like some inputs from here too. Just recalling that quite a few of the brides-to - be I met before their wedding felt the same. wanting not to go ahead with the wedding , fear of leaving her house, how will the in-laws be, etc. But after their wedding day, they are pretty relaxed then.
Anonymous (not verified)
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 October 2014 - 19:08
Maybe she just doesn't feel ready for marriage? Or is she perhaps not entirely happy with the guy she is about to marry? Did she have any say in the choice of spouse? I don't know what she thinks is expected of her, maybe her family and/or him and his family have too high expectations of her. I don't think it's wrong to be worried about what marriage will be like and if you will be a good wife, but it shouldn't leave someone completely stressed. I don't think it has anything to do with having a good education or career (as in it's not either or, or that one has to be done before the other), if she is in her 20's she is likely to be done with her studies. Plus, you don't have to drop anything you want to achieve because you're getting married.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 01 October 2014 - 18:21
I would tell her to wait, get a good education, have a career and then get married.
 
 

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