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Doubting Thomas

2298

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 16:06

The woman's gone, hopefully getting the help or comfort she needs and hopefully not beating her son....meanwhile, if he worked for me i'd be watching the husband like a hawk...

588

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 16:02

DR I was not implying you or anyone else, just the general tone to which the thread lent itself, I assumed it was because those who caught up later on had not read the initial posts.

2264

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 14:29

Sounds like he's a poor husband and lazy parent! What a wimp of a man.

ummuhammad123100045

48

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 14:07

I think Londiamond picked up an important point: that the husband accused me of having no cultural understanding of his wife and that that had caused problems. This really got me angry as it did Londiamond. So he is saying that being filthy and not disciplining the kids is somehow Middle Eastern and not western. But I know from 15 years of living here with all Arabs as my friends and my kids friends that that is nonsense as most decent human beings from all corners of the earth are clean and do give the children barriers. He thinks he is superior and that marrying a woman from this country has increased that superiority. That his wife has issues. whether they be of the bad type or or mental issue type, seems to be beyond him. I said to him: so I have to accept your son coming into my house and trashing it without disciplining him? And that your wife is the queen and we are her servants? To which he replied: you have not understood her culture, and, that his son is too young to be disciplined and I had failed to understand that. So I think whatever issues she had, he has made it a lot worse by basically praising her for this behaviour and for considering his kids behaviour normal and allowing it to continue without correction.

2738

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 12:15

DR, I think that is a little hard and questionably political correctness gone mentally unstable. We've all had a mental, mad or manic day at work. Frustration has driven us nuts or crazy. Affectionately, we may have referred to an eccentric friend as "bonkers" or "as mad as a box of frogs". It was a slang term used, discussing mental health is important; we don't want to discourage those discussions and the oppourtunity can be used to educate rather than berate possibly? <em>edited by Lolacat on 02/11/2014</em>

1337

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 11:29

I also thought the family may have felt they had to take up the offer of accommodation. But that aside - some of the derogatory terms used to describe a woman who may have mental health issues are a disgrace and say more about the posters than anyone else. May have had, being the operative words, all speculation. Mental issues or not, the woman’s described behaviour was totally unacceptable and that of her husband.

1337

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 07:50

I also thought the family may have felt they had to take up the offer of accommodation. But that aside - some of the derogatory terms used to describe a woman who may have mental health issues are a disgrace and say more about the posters than anyone else.

ummuhammad123100045

48

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 November 2014 - 21:13

Yes I hope so, that she is relaxing with her family.

2322

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 01 November 2014 - 20:30

Ah Nomad...it's sad hey. Hopefully we have a future that has more understanding and support for new Mums coming/already here. Ummuhammad: a couple of things I thought about...could the invite to stay in your home have been seen as one they HAD to take up? As it came from the new boss, so they shouldn't offend by saying *no thanks - we'll stay with Aunty* ? An environment (and a stressful one at that, the pressure to perform, conform, impress?) that is different from her own adding pressure to an already volatile situation? A completely inadvertent situation, but a contributing factor? Again, not a criticism at all, just a random thought that popped into my head. Her husband could be happy at work today because she is safe in the bosom of her family and she can relax into it and be taken care of by family?

1601

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 01 November 2014 - 20:07

@arohadxb great post ,thank you. I stood by a very dear friend who went through the most terrible PND at a time when it was considered ' the baby blues' . If you felt down for longer than 2 weeks it was a case of come on now dear buck up time to pull yourself together. She was in the depths of despair and just couldn't get out of the big black hole she found herself in. My heart just broke for her. ummuhammad you did all you could under the circumstances, being thrown in the deep end so to speak,don't beat yourself up over it. As you say arohadxb if things don't fit into a tidy little box of a diagnosis there are those who judge from the side lines labelling people. I really hope that she gets the help she needs and soon.

ummuhammad123100045

48

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 November 2014 - 19:56

no they did not sound at all critical, just very sensible and with some knowledge. Just wish I had had a bit more patience and a lot more knowledge with which to arm myself at the time! I doubt she is getting the right help; if she was comfortable with this family aunt here (actually still in sharjah) of course she would have gone there in the first place. And to the surprise of my husband her husband turned up at work in Abu Dhabi on Thursday when my husband had told him to take til Sunday off to sort things out. I feel she has been dumped here with her aunt, and he is in Abu Dhabi suddenly extremely happy and in good spirits and working hard. I sense he is very selfish.

2322

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 01 November 2014 - 19:48

ummuhammad, I'm sorry, I don't mean my comments to come across in any way as a criticism of you. You did your best, with the knowledge you had, and avenues of action you had open to you at the time. I DO hope that the family she has moved onto manage to get her the help she needs. You opened your home, and it didn't go well but you did do what you could in very difficult circumstances. You sound like a very nice woman.

ummuhammad123100045

48

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 November 2014 - 19:40

dear arohadxb; I like the way you listed these symtoms in a factual way; when you are in the middle of the situation as I was, you dont really know what is happening, you make excuses, you are busy cooking and talking etc so you notice things but you dont process the info properly. Thats why this forum is good, because people see what you dont and they can analyse properly. And it is anonymous so there is no personal baggage. My regret with this episode is that I wasnt patient with her and I got angry with her in the end; I regret that. She is now with some family here (transpired she has quite close family here but we were never told; why they never went there initially and preferred the house of strangers and the boss's family I really dont know). Anyhow, their decision. The husband is in a different city working hard. I hope she gets help. I should have been stronger with her and more objective rather than feeling a little bit angry and offended.

2322

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 01 November 2014 - 19:29

Why, thank you Redrec. Izzy, what you are saying is that mental ill health is ok so long as the behavior fits certain patterns, and that it is acceptable to you (being society at large). As a guest in some ones house, we should *control* our ill health, mental or otherwise. To do otherwise is to be labeled a ******. Lazy, crazy or otherwise. This particular womans behavior is unacceptable to you and therefore she should control it. Saying that to someone in the throes of any mental/emotional instability is akin to asking a fish to breath air, just because it finds itself on land. Her behavior, according to you, gives women REALLY suffering from PND or the likes (ranging from a few tears, emotional upheaval to full blown psychosis, I suppose) a bad wrap. Because her behaviour doesn't fit a mold you have decided is suitable for PND. Being quietly sad and out of the way, I imagine is preferable? Then she is a ******. Lazy crazy or otherwise. She needs HELP. She sleeps...escapism. (and mental recovery) She spends money she doesn't have on out of the way beauty treatments and mad socialisation...escapism and a desperate attempt to feel better about herself. The kids are filthy and ignored...lack of connection/empathy just as small examples of what could be going on There is SO much about this (condition) that is unknown or ignored, and when we (as women in general) label our sisters and brethren as biatches, lazy, crazy, or expect mental ill health to fit into nice tidy boxes just to suit ourselves and our black and white view of the world, we do the whole world a grave disservice.

588

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 23:23

Arohadxb - always nice to read your posts. Don't be a stranger - come on EW more often!

394

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 15:56

He is sending them back to her country while he remains here; hopefully he is doing it for her good and not to please my husband and keep his job. Meanwhile we have searched the house top to bottom for my second sons Quran, which he has been memorising from for four years. His sheikh has written notes on it for four years, ie, it contains four years work. We all know where exactly it was before the lipstick attack happened, then the highlighter attack on books and furniture; sadly it was open on the coffee table. We have all done a time-investigation and we all know where it was, at what time, and when it went missing, which is when the mother came back and noticed her sons lipstick artwork on my walls and books. My sons Quran went missing at that time. It is not in this house no, nowhere. It is either in the bin or has been taken. Both are terrible things, the second amounting to theft. I feel more sad about that than anything, for any sacred text whether it be hindu scripture or a bible. We cant prove it, if I confront it may just be denied so what is the point. But I am really sad my sons four years of work on his Quran are now lost. Anyhow another day, all lessons must be learned!! thanks for everyones help. "A good deed never goes unrewarded" is a saying could be applied here!

394

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 15:54

He is sending them back to her country while he remains here; hopefully he is doing it for her good and not to please my husband and keep his job. Meanwhile we have searched the house top to bottom for my second sons Quran, which he has been memorising from for four years. His sheikh has written notes on it for four years, ie, it contains four years work. We all know where exactly it was before the lipstick attack happened, then the highlighter attack on books and furniture; sadly it was open on the coffee table. We have all done a time-investigation and we all know where it was, at what time, and when it went missing, which is when the mother came back and noticed her sons lipstick artwork on my walls and books. My sons Quran went missing at that time. It is not in this house no, nowhere. It is either in the bin or has been taken. Both are terrible things, the second amounting to theft. I feel more sad about that than anything, for any sacred text whether it be hindu scripture or a bible. We cant prove it, if I confront it may just be denied so what is the point. But I am really sad my sons four years of work on his Quran are now lost. Anyhow another day, all lessons must be learned!! thanks for everyones help.

4393

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 15:53

He is sending them back to her country while he remains here; hopefully he is doing it for her good and not to please my husband and keep his job. Meanwhile we have searched the house top to bottom for my second sons Quran, which he has been memorising from for four years. His sheikh has written notes on it for four years, ie, it contains four years work. We all know where exactly it was before the lipstick attack happened, then the highlighter attack on books and furniture; sadly it was open on the coffee table. We have all done a time-investigation and we all know where it was, at what time, and when it went missing, which is when the mother came back and noticed her sons lipstick artwork on my walls and books. My sons Quran went missing at that time. It is not in this house no, nowhere. It is either in the bin or has been taken. Both are terrible things, the second amounting to theft. I feel more sad about that than anything, for any sacred text whether it be hindu scripture or a bible. We cant prove it, if I confront it may just be denied so what is the point. But I am really sad my sons four years of work on his Quran are now lost. Anyhow another day, all lessons must be learned!! thanks for everyones help. I'm sorry, but if it was something as personal and precious as that and it belonged to my family, I would be making sure that they showed you their luggage before they left.

ummuhammad123100045

48

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 14:37

He is sending them back to her country while he remains here; hopefully he is doing it for her good and not to please my husband and keep his job. Meanwhile we have searched the house top to bottom for my second sons Quran, which he has been memorising from for four years. His sheikh has written notes on it for four years, ie, it contains four years work. We all know where exactly it was before the lipstick attack happened, then the highlighter attack on books and furniture; sadly it was open on the coffee table. We have all done a time-investigation and we all know where it was, at what time, and when it went missing, which is when the mother came back and noticed her sons lipstick artwork on my walls and books. My sons Quran went missing at that time. It is not in this house no, nowhere. It is either in the bin or has been taken. Both are terrible things, the second amounting to theft. I feel more sad about that than anything, for any sacred text whether it be hindu scripture or a bible. We cant prove it, if I confront it may just be denied so what is the point. But I am really sad my sons four years of work on his Quran are now lost. Anyhow another day, all lessons must be learned!! thanks for everyones help.

Doubting Thomas

2298

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 10:30

It's the children I feel sorry for - if their father is so besotted with their mother he can't see what's happening they have no-one looking out for them...and what does that say about him as an employee ?

IzzyOnTheSeat82823

5334

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 08:40

I didn't realise that the symptoms of PND were being a b1tch, shopping and enteratinaing guests.... She sounds like a spoilt bugg3r edited by IzzyOnTheSeat on 29/10/2014 That's why I was asking if she had actually ever been diagnosed properly Izzy, your reluctance to let any one have any weakness what so ever shows you in a bad light. PND is hideous...like wanting to commit suicide, wishing you could or would kill yourself rather than carry on (or commit harm to yourself or others or the small people in your care) It freaking exists~! Being a strong person, having fortitude, will power, grit! Occurs hand in hand with this illness. It is a disease. You can not help it. I can't comment on this poor womans situation. I do feel she should never have been bought to this country at all, and that she needs help. And OP? Bless...you did your best. Totally agree PND can be horrible - and to assume that the behaviour that the OP was descirbing is typical of PND and to assume the woman in question had PND is not doing those who genuinely have this any favours. As i said in my previous post, no one i have ever know, with mental health issues or not, would ever behave in this way in somone elses home. Again, ascertaning that someone has mental health issues rather than just being someone who has bad behaviour does no service to those people who genuinely have issues and really do need help.

3376

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 08:35

Ummuhammed, hopefully now you can just put this behind you and there won't be too much of a ripple effect if the man is still to be employed by your husband. Sometimes we just fall into these situations. Seems like a good idea, you try to do the hospitable thing, and it backfires. I don't want to go into a grand amount of detail, but we ended up hosting a business associate of my husband for what was nearly a month. A month.....!! My friends were like, how could you let that happen?? They didn't understand I was stuck. DH and I laugh about it now, and he has promised me to ask "the right questions" beforehand when we are posed in a similar situation in the future-- because you can never take for granted even the most elementary things. You don't expect to have to say "Hi, can you not use my hairbrush?" or "we flush the toilets in this house" or "could you not go through my drawers and wear my jewelry? thanks." I am not saying it is a laughing matter due to the nature of the children involved, but best to move on and not wrack your brain as to why you couldn't see eye to eye, or what you did wrong. Sounds like you are a saint and hopefully your DH shows his appreciation for you being such a trooper.

Londiamond93030

495

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 08:11

What I do not, and never will, get is why is your culture not also to be observed? The host culture is the one that should be observed. It is identical to those who refuse to respect the culture here as THEY ARE FROM XX, and IN WE DO NOT BELIEVE THAT! Ok, do not believe it - RESPECT it and do your best as THIS IS your HOST. As in anthers house. It is the host who needs to be respected. <em>edited by Londiamond on 30/10/2014</em>

2264

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 07:54

Yes apologies ladies I did delete my posts due to some security reasons and things being in public; the situation did end pretty horribly: they packed to leave; I wrote to her husband trying to highlight her issues but he just obsessed about my wrongful action of disciplining his son when he is too young to learn; I tried to get him off that and to face other issues, that his wife cannot cope with the children, that there is no hygiene, but he stuck to his guns of these being cultural misunderstandings (ie, that I didnt understand his wife's culture). As a farewell gesture I ordered the family a pizza but they refused to eat it, and my room was left in just a horrible mess. I felt very hurt and a bit insulted, like that was the final say, leave my room like that, dirty plates, rubbish everywhere, bed absolutely fility and stuff thrown about. It was really hurtful. And that after five days hospitality and feeding them, taking care of her kids, walking her baby around in the middle of the night, taking her to the salon and mall etc. I have promised myself not really search now my intentions before I am kind to people; it has been a good eyeopener. My husband gave him a few days to sort out what to do and pressed upon him that her issues need sorting, but her husband just wants to believe she is perfect. Sad ending for all, and for her and her kids most of all. thanks for all your help; apologies for my deletions, I do that sometimes as i get worried about giving too much away in public. Well I sincerely hope your husband is going to dock his pay for the cost of cleaning up your house!

ummuhammad123100045

48

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 30 October 2014 - 06:01

Yes apologies ladies I did delete my posts due to some security reasons and things being in public; the situation did end pretty horribly: they packed to leave; I wrote to her husband trying to highlight her issues but he just obsessed about my wrongful action of disciplining his son when he is too young to learn; I tried to get him off that and to face other issues, that his wife cannot cope with the children, that there is no hygiene, but he stuck to his guns of these being cultural misunderstandings (ie, that I didnt understand his wife's culture). As a farewell gesture I ordered the family a pizza but they refused to eat it, and my room was left in just a horrible mess. I felt very hurt and a bit insulted, like that was the final say, leave my room like that, dirty plates, rubbish everywhere, bed absolutely fility and stuff thrown about. It was really hurtful. And that after five days hospitality and feeding them, taking care of her kids, walking her baby around in the middle of the night, taking her to the salon and mall etc. I have promised myself not really search now my intentions before I am kind to people; it has been a good eyeopener. My husband gave him a few days to sort out what to do and pressed upon him that her issues need sorting, but her husband just wants to believe she is perfect. Sad ending for all, and for her and her kids most of all. thanks for all your help; apologies for my deletions, I do that sometimes as i get worried about giving too much away in public.

Doubting Thomas

2298

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 29 October 2014 - 23:09

Flippin annoying when people come here with a complicated story, ask for advice then promptly remove all their posts... Though in this case I suppose admitting in public that you witnessed the beating of a child and did nothing, deserves to get removed once you've heard people's advice... I hope this lady gets the help she needs and the OP's husband declines any future requests for him to play host to new employees...

2322

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 29 October 2014 - 22:28

I didn't realise that the symptoms of PND were being a b1tch, shopping and enteratinaing guests.... She sounds like a spoilt bugg3r edited by IzzyOnTheSeat on 29/10/2014 That's why I was asking if she had actually ever been diagnosed properly Izzy, your reluctance to let any one have any weakness what so ever shows you in a bad light. PND is hideous...like wanting to commit suicide, wishing you could or would kill yourself rather than carry on (or commit harm to yourself or others or the small people in your care) It freaking exists~! Being a strong person, having fortitude, will power, grit! Occurs hand in hand with this illness. It is a disease. You can not help it. I can't comment on this poor womans situation. I do feel she should never have been bought to this country at all, and that she needs help. And OP? Bless...you did your best.

394

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 29 October 2014 - 18:27

This is very annoying - I missed original post - now deleted! What did this woman actually do then?!

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