Difficult situation | ExpatWoman.com
 

Difficult situation

3376
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 12:15
MKZ, situations like this suck on so many levels. Affairs affect more than just the spouses and children; it doesn't happen in a vacuum. I understand both your loyalty to your friend, and your disgust with the woman who played a part in breaking up her marriage-- especially the flagrant nature-- which explains your greater disgust for her rather than the husband. I don't think you are absolving the husband, but because he is your DH's BF, you can't just write him off in the way you are hoping you can avoid having anything to do with the woman. At some point, though, you just need to let it go or it will eat at you, while you play out hypothetical situations in your head. What will you say, will you keep your cool, will you be forced to spend time with her--that can add up to a LOT of undue stress. Your DH seems to have already made up his mind to accept and move on. Easier for him, I suppose, since he doesn't have to listen to the ex-wife's heartache like you do. He probably is not stewing over the other woman's facebook behavior either, but he is the one to support. Wait and see what this March holiday will bring. I've been in situations like this and they are rarely what I expect them to be. Either much worse, or much better--but you never know, so no sense letting it take any more of your brainpower until the time comes. Acting like a 16 year old "mean girl" on social networking is actually passive-aggressive behavior. I would wager she doesn't ave the balls to behave like that in front of your face. She will probably be kissing your ass, while equally annoying, gives you the upper hand to avoid her.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 10:36
MKZ I see where you are coming from. You are good friends with someone and they confide in you during a dark time in their life. Of course you will take her side, she is your friend looking to you for comfort while her husband is off having an affair. You are now expected to fraternize with the person you considered 'the enemy'. You are still angry with the affair partner (AP) for all the pain she put your friend through. This is understandable. The question now is, how do you spend time with her, without feeling like you are betraying your friend and without spending the whole holiday with a frown on your face and having a miserable time during what is supposed to be a happy time with your family? Talk to your DH about various options. For example, could you not spend the whole holiday with his friend, but only see him once or twice? Could your DH spend time with his friend alone while you take the children off for some activity? You could also be blunt and tell your DH that you are not ready to meet the woman and he should support you and let his friend know now is not a good time to introduce her to you guys (if the friend asks). Things are still raw for you at the moment, but with time it will get better, especially as your friend also moves on. And if I may add, what the AP posted on her facebook had nothing to do with your friend. All your friend had to do was not look at her profile, and block the anonymous person feeding her info. Sometimes it is easier to blame others, but we also need to consider our actions. And I have to agree with ummuhammed123, it seems like your friend's ex-DH is getting a free pass from your point of view.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 10:17
I know mine is pie-in-the-sky advice and certainly above my capablity, but I just wanted to try to inspire her to fly high on this, give everyone their due rights as she sees fit and move on. (we can all do horrible things, and some of what she knows about this woman may be exaggerated, there might be good about the woman that she doesnt know, and there might be bad about the original couple that she also doesnt know). So best to assume you dont know the whole story, realise only you suffers from harbouring bitterness, close the chapter, and start a new one.
458
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 10:11
... Anyhow, I would package the lot of them into a, "they all made terrible mistakes" box, throw the box away, and start life again with new relationships with each one of them. Which is perfect in a world where no one makes mistakes.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 10:09
I would like to ask why you hate this woman for what happened more than you do your DH's best friend? Why do we women always hate the other woman but reserve some degree of kindness or mercy for the equally "sinning" man? We always reserve this sympathy for the male adulterer, even if by a tiny degree. Anyhow, I would package the lot of them into a, "they all made terrible mistakes" box, throw the box away, and start life again with new relationships with each one of them.
2298
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 09:55
Presumaby she did all that to hurry the separation up and to make sure there was no chance of the wife taking him back...Sounds like she was very insecure... <em>edited by Doubting Thomas on 03/02/2015</em>
277
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 08:25
This has happened to me and my husband as well! I stayed in contact with the ex wife, supported her as best I could and remained polite and cordial to the "new woman". When I see them I let my friend know it will happen, perhaps I might send a few sms's to her throughout the night just to make her laugh, then I will do a call the next day to have a B*tch about how awful the night was. She's my friend and I will always be on her side but my husbands friend is important too - so for me I just pretend that its all ok. - also we dont see them as much, the new wife brings a different dynamic to our friendships and it means that even my husband does not see his friend as much as he used to. I think she's bored of us, and we dont have much in common with her. Anyway you might see that things slowly change between your husband and this guy. Just wait and see how things progress.
2298
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 08:21
No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and I daresay men who have affairs fill the woman's head with all sorts of horror stories about their terrible existence and how horrible their wife is...agreed that they are both to blame but he is still your husband's best friend and presumably still your friend... What he's done is between him and his wife, not really any concern of yours however much you want to judge him and that's just human nature..I'm sure i'd find it difficult to think of him in the same way after knowing all this.. You have to support your husband, if you don't it will only make a difficult situation even worse..agreed with the other posters - you can be the better person and tolerate her for the sake of your husband's friendship but no-one will expect you to be her best friend. It will be interesting to see how your husband reacts when it's time for him to do the same for the wife !!
458
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 08:04
I can see how this would be very difficult for you. I have seen couples go through some awful divorces and the terrible amount of lying, and self delusion, just chills me. I don't always agree that men are innocent and just "fall" for other women when things are tough. I think they let themselves fall and are quite aware when they cross a line between workplace friends and into dangerous areas. I've also seen other women who are quite calculating in what they're about, and those who are desperate for company or simply silly little girls messing about. My only point here is that no one in this situation, is innocent. He is your husbands best friend and that is unlikely to change unless he does something to upset your husband. That being the case you look after your family. Tell your husband you're uncomfortable with how this woman behaved, and that you would ensure he sang soprano if ever he did the same. Then you can take her (the other woman) at face value, but not into your heart.
3
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 February 2015 - 07:50
This is a very delicate situation and not a fun one at that. I agree with another poster, there are always multiple sides of every story/marriage. And you have not heard the other woman's side. I'm not by any means excusing her behavior or anything but she is human too. Give her a chance to at least make a first impression with you. As for how you are thinking and feeling, try to remind yourself that your actions and words are a direct reflection of who you are. I'm struggling with this at my work right now. There's a person I work with who gets on my last nerve every single day. Now I could be rude and snarky to this person and talk behind their backs all day but those are the actions of a mean, vindictive, b****y girl and not those of the classy, humble, and patient woman that I'm trying to be. So I'm always trying very carefully to monitor my behaviors because I really do believe that my own words and actions will always say more about me than others can say about me. One more thing... on the other side of this, there's another woman and she knows what she did. And I'd bet that she's crazy nervous about meeting her new beau's friends and family. Especially the one's who know that she's the reason that the marriage ultimately fell apart. Give her a chance to show who she is herself. She may be one of the nicest people you will ever meet, she just made a really stupid human mistake.
122
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 February 2015 - 15:44
Dear MKZ, I had a similar experience years ago, but I was in the place of your kids. So the cheating husband is my BFs dad and her dad is BF of my dad. We used to be neighbors for a long time. The family fell apart, that bad woman done really bad things just to irritate the whole family -still doing by the way-..etc As I said similar stories. Well, I was a teenager who had the right to be annoying on those ages:) To defend my BF, I made it clear that persona non grata can't get into our house. My mum was just not approving to have the eye of that woman around us. My dad didn't want to her around, too. So it was a kind of easier situation for us. Now I am a married adult and I see things quite differently. If I were in your shoes, with all the experiences I've had before, I would support my husband, be there for him. It doesn't mean that you will enjoy it, nor the BF of your DH. People try to socialize after such changes, they can't stay between 4 walls-even if we want them to stay there so deeply- . They will keep on socializing if they enjoy it, if not they will find other ways to keep in touch for the sake of the mutual relationship. You will see.. Get more books with you, make sure that you will always have enough space for yourself in your holiday, create your own area of joy. You have kids, they will keep you happy and busy some times. Just direct your attention somewhere else, rather that what happened to your dear friend. I am sure there are thing that you'd like to do if you'd have some time. Consider this holiday as a period that you can do one of those things. Hope you will take yourself out of the situation. edited by xN on 02/02/2015 <em>edited by xN on 02/02/2015</em>
122
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 February 2015 - 14:32
Why? its non of your business what happens in someone else's marriage. That's why she does not want to meet the b*****ch <em>edited by blokkop on 01/02/2015</em>
4062
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 February 2015 - 12:07
I don't think you should let the fallout from their marriage break up affect your own marriage. If it were me I would just suck it up, support my husband's wishes and be civil. If you can do this then surely your husband can reciprocate the support and not expect you to be rushing out for mani/pedi and girl's nights with the other woman.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 01 February 2015 - 10:23
My DH and I are going through a similar situation where friends have split up. its one of my very best friends in my home country and she has left the relationship for someone else. Unfortunately there are a myriad of other details which contribute to the whole awful situation but my DH has been very supportive in my choices on how I deal with the friendship going forward. I made the very hard choice to cut of all contact with her and to support her husband and children who are with their dad. But the point of my reply is that I really respect my DH's support and that given all the circumstances he has backed me 100%. Having to deal with the loss of the 20 year plus friendship and the knowledge that I picked one over the other has played a lot on my conscience. But my friend isnt the person she was and I have to grieve that I have lost her and that the friendship we had as couples is also lost. <em>edited by littleone on 01/02/2015</em>
681
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EW GURU
Latest post on 01 February 2015 - 10:11
If you can at least be civil to her to begin with and make up on your own mind about her. She may have been awful but you don't know what this guy has been telling her about his wife. Many sides to all stories. As long as your friend isn't putting you in the middle try not to put yourself there. You don't have to be friends with the new woman.
5334
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 01 February 2015 - 09:57
Why? its non of your business what happens in someone else's marriage.
 
 

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