My husband wants us to separate | ExpatWoman.com
 

My husband wants us to separate

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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 01 May 2016 - 13:27

Dear ladies, please advice what to do. My husband wants us to separate. Because this goes for while, he has another woman, I was very patient but today I replayed to him - ok. You file the divorce. he agreed. We have 2 boys 3 and 5 years old. I cannot support them financially myself. WE are both British. He is by birth. I am by naturalization.
What to expect?
Thanks in advance for any advises.

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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 18 September 2016 - 02:44
Omg this post is really scary...and so real. I am now divorcing myself, thank God no children are involved so things are a bit easier. One piece of advice I'd like to offer to the ladies currently in marriage - be smart and if your husband currently is in good financial position, try your best to put money aside even if the relationship is great and peachy now...it can swing the other way very very fast. Have a golden rule: whatever cash/funds you receive always put at least 30% of it aside..in a place he knows nothing about. Do not let him completely take over financial matters, bills etc. Be involved in it too. Don't be lazy, stay in the loop. Whatever it is, always try to get valuable things under your name...this is easier done when your relationship is great. We've all seen this with men - one day they love you and another day...they love someone else. Sadly this is how they were made. So we are responsible for watching our own back ladies. Loved this reply. Get your finances a little stronger (by hook or by crook), then enter the battle. It's not possible your husband doesn't have any money stacked elsewhere. It costs a lot more to keep a girlfriend on the side.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 May 2016 - 09:04
Hi ladies, we've moved this to our chit chat board -- thanks for understanding!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 09 May 2016 - 17:39
Omg this post is really scary...and so real. I am now divorcing myself, thank God no children are involved so things are a bit easier. One piece of advice I'd like to offer to the ladies currently in marriage - be smart and if your husband currently is in good financial position, try your best to put money aside even if the relationship is great and peachy now...it can swing the other way very very fast. Have a golden rule: whatever cash/funds you receive always put at least 30% of it aside..in a place he knows nothing about. Do not let him completely take over financial matters, bills etc. Be involved in it too. Don't be lazy, stay in the loop. Whatever it is, always try to get valuable things under your name...this is easier done when your relationship is great. We've all seen this with men - one day they love you and another day...they love someone else. Sadly this is how they were made. So we are responsible for watching our own back ladies.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 09 May 2016 - 10:20
You only have to be back in uk for 90 days..you don't need to be working. Also, if you have young children that rule can be waived. My friend returned from Australia and went straight to UK citing about to have nervous breakdown etc...her benefits commenced virtually immediately...not that I am recommending that BUT if you are desperate it is an option. Other issue, if you can support yourself for three months then benefits will kick in till such time as you find employment. Once you find employment you will get tax credits taking you up to a reasonable monthly income. It is do-able... Tnx I was thinking about it. My main problem that my kids are 3 and 5 so It will be difficult for me to find a suitable job to manage schools etc.. yes I have relatives in UK but they have they one problems so I don't think they could help me. Actually we all have our own problems so the fact your relations have them should not stop you from asking or insisting they help you for a few months - do they want you to be on the street? Regarding work with your 3 and 5 year old could you try to work in child care, creche , nursery or school as the hours and holidays should be the same as the children's? I knew a woman who did this when she left her husband.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 09 May 2016 - 09:52
You only have to be back in uk for 90 days..you don't need to be working. Also, if you have young children that rule can be waived. My friend returned from Australia and went straight to UK citing about to have nervous breakdown etc...her benefits commenced virtually immediately...not that I am recommending that BUT if you are desperate it is an option. Other issue, if you can support yourself for three months then benefits will kick in till such time as you find employment. Once you find employment you will get tax credits taking you up to a reasonable monthly income. It is do-able... Tnx I was thinking about it. My main problem that my kids are 3 and 5 so It will be difficult for me to find a suitable job to manage schools etc.. yes I have relatives in UK but they have they one problems so I don't think they could help me.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 08 May 2016 - 23:46
You only have to be back in uk for 90 days..you don't need to be working. Also, if you have young children that rule can be waived. My friend returned from Australia and went straight to UK citing about to have nervous breakdown etc...her benefits commenced virtually immediately...not that I am recommending that BUT if you are desperate it is an option. Other issue, if you can support yourself for three months then benefits will kick in till such time as you find employment. Once you find employment you will get tax credits taking you up to a reasonable monthly income. It is do-able...
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 08 May 2016 - 13:11
Can't you go and get a job in the UK? Have your husband put up some cash to help you relocate, go home and start over.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 08 May 2016 - 12:43
yes you are correct 3 month to restore uk residency. But I though If I want to take something from the government I need to pit in first..I was paing national contribution as a volunteer but not for last year
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 08 May 2016 - 12:12
I spoke to the lawyer and he was very positive about my situation. I also considering to go back to uk however I don't think I can apply for any social benefits there and council accommodation as I left uk for more that 90 days so I probably lost all residential rights there. To go back to the system I need to work for at least 3 month and pay taxes in the UK/ At the moment my husband continues dating with ladies plus does not sleeping at home couple nights per week. We are not talking anymore coz I have no idea how to talk to him after his actions. Well done for going to see a lawyer.! Try to keep up your self confidence and sense of worthiness. Try to stay cheerful. Is it because you are a naturalized UK resident that you have to work for 3 months or have rules changed for everyone? I know one used to have to be resident for 3 months before qualifying for any benefits; not that one had to work and pay tax but rules have become stricter since the economic crises. Others may know more. Do you have relations in UK?
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 08 May 2016 - 10:53
I spoke to the lawyer and he was very positive about my situation. I also considering to go back to uk however I don't think I can apply for any social benefits there and council accommodation as I left uk for more that 90 days so I probably lost all residential rights there. To go back to the system I need to work for at least 3 month and pay taxes in the UK/ At the moment my husband continues dating with ladies plus does not sleeping at home couple nights per week. We are not talking anymore coz I have no idea how to talk to him after his actions.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 04 May 2016 - 17:22
omg some scary posts here...the problem, as LT says is that this is a forum for expats, not Australians or British or Pakistani, and there are just too many different cultures for everyone to agree. Where I'm from Laiba Malik's advice is indeed shocking - and was probably written by a man !! Yes, be the good little wife, let your husband have his fun, you don't matter as long as you're being fed and clothed why should you care that you're married to a lowlife who despises you ? And no matter that your children will grow up believing this is the way to treat women and they will repeat the behaviour in their own marriages and so it goes on... but there will be other cultures of women here who have been brought up believing their role in life is to honour their man and be subservient to him and if he wants his freedom then that is his right...god help them... My advice would be, live your life as normal looking after yourself and your children as if he is not there, which you say is true a lot of the time. Be civil for the sake of the family harmony but get busy planning your future. Contact the woman's refuge for legal advise, squirrel away as much money as you can and make enquiries in the UK for help.Keep all your passports safe while you have the chance and bide your time. If you are able to gather any evidence against him without raising suspicion then you should do so.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 04 May 2016 - 17:03
Hi, dear Natasha, i have the best advice for you , 1. let him play around dont argue with him too much... 2. and dont go for divorce its a hard world to live by ones self and you also have kids ,please dont bring divorce even in your mind. 3. if you are with him he will have to pay all the expenses and in the end his life will be hard (keeping feets in 2 boats) he will realize it . 4. be patient and just let him know that he can do what the **** he wants to but also by doing your thing like always in daily routine make him feel you were there for him always and he also has responsibility for you and his kids , just let him loose he will get it in time . 5, you wont have more demands then his new lover just let him realize it by letting him free to do what ever he wants and in time he will realize it. FINALLY BY TIME EVERY THING CHANGES AND IF YOU DIVORCE HIM HE WILL BE WINNER AND BY NOT DIVORCING HIM HE WILL BE BOUND TO HIS RESPONSIBILITY'S HE WONT BE FREE, What's bothering me is the 15 people that liked this advice. "How can you let him be free to do whatever he wants"? This is marriage we are talking about here. A commitment made before God and man. Oh well i guess it's been redefined to mean something else.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 03 May 2016 - 17:00
Hi, dear Natasha, i have the best advice for you , 1. let him play around dont argue with him too much... 2. and dont go for divorce its a hard world to live by ones self and you also have kids ,please dont bring divorce even in your mind. 3. if you are with him he will have to pay all the expenses and in the end his life will be hard (keeping feets in 2 boats) he will realize it . 4. be patient and just let him know that he can do what the **** he wants to but also by doing your thing like always in daily routine make him feel you were there for him always and he also has responsibility for you and his kids , just let him loose he will get it in time . 5, you wont have more demands then his new lover just let him realize it by letting him free to do what ever he wants and in time he will realize it. FINALLY BY TIME EVERY THING CHANGES AND IF YOU DIVORCE HIM HE WILL BE WINNER AND BY NOT DIVORCING HIM HE WILL BE BOUND TO HIS RESPONSIBILITY'S HE WONT BE FREE, Sorry but this has to be the worst advice I have ever read on this forum. I'm shocked!!
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EW GURU
Latest post on 03 May 2016 - 12:58
Sarahlou123 I had been told same as you by several lawyers. My ex point blank refused to agree to divorce...lawyers kept saying I had to wait five years if he would not agree. Talking to a lawyer in jan, she was horrified I had been told this and said that although only separated a year officially ( altohugh ex was still pretending we were together) I could file immediately under grounds of unreasonable behaviour...I filed..he ignored all correspondence...he then got served with papers which he still ignored. She took it to court...I had to write a short paper saying why behaviour on marriage had been unreasonable...didn't hsve to say much, lack of communication, unwilling to discuss issues, even fact he refused to divorce. Decree nisi was issued...he now refusing to agree a financial split so courts will decide ( will be worse for him but his problem) and then decree absolut will be issued. I am just very frustrated that I listened to all those other lawyers..
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 03 May 2016 - 10:50
Very sorry to hear of your situation. You do need correct legal advice. Do you have any relatives or friends here or in UK to either live with or help/support you? In UK you could probably get local authority housing and social security benefits if you are homeless as you have young children. Don't "give up" on the property in UK either - it seems to be the main asset..
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 May 2016 - 10:02
Dear Ladies, thanks for all your advises. I don't have place in UK at the moment. Our house (actually he bought it on his name before we got married) totally destroyed by tenant. Also my husband did not pay council tax for ages and utility bills..I cannot just go and live here. It has to take time to sort things out. Also since my man decoded to have a single life, he took 2 more loans and opened 1 more credit card. His (our) financial situation is really bad now. He told me one day I don't want to be with you but I cannot afford to separate. At the moment I am doing my mums work. He is never at home for last 3 days.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 03 May 2016 - 09:43
You do NOT need to live apart for five years. I have only officially been apart for a year. My ex is refusing to divorce but my solicitor reckons it will be done by Dec....I am actioning this on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Yes - there are grounds for "quicker" divorces including adultery but these would be different cases from this one as described ( the husband presumably would have to prove Mrs N had "unreasonable behaviour" etc which might be difficult). She could divorce HIM for adultery with ;proof quite quickly too if she wanted, of course. Sorry for any confusion. Adultery is very very difficult to prove. My friend had photographs from a private detective and emails between her Husband and his bit on the side ( Emails were admissible in court but now aren't) and it still took years for them to divorce due to the financial settlements for her and her Daughter
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 03 May 2016 - 09:41
You do NOT need to live apart for five years. I have only officially been apart for a year. My ex is refusing to divorce but my solicitor reckons it will be done by Dec....I am actioning this on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I had to. We could divorce within 2 years however we both had to agree. He wouldn't so I had to wait 5 years
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 03 May 2016 - 01:11
I was going to reply with shock and amazement at some of the replies then thought, well, that would not be helpful in the least. Hopefully this might be. !. Know where the money is....if you know nothing about the house finances, find out now....get copies of all bank statements, go through the files, dig dig dig and see if there is a hidden account. 2. Make sure you have enough money to live on right now in case he cancels all CCards, closes accounts so you will not be able to help yourself. 3. Be stealthy! keep quiet right now no matter how angry and sad you are. you can fall apart once you get a good lawyer (British if possible) and know where the money is....and the kids are organized and you know where your life is going, then award yourself with a very small breakdown, and move on. 4. He apparently is leading with the other head so all sense has gone out the window. He is willing to abandon you and the children...get the money now! Get the lawyer now....get moving..you do not have time to wallow in pain :(.....Feel for you, but you have children, get protecting them and yourself. Be strong!!! 5....get your passport and the childrens!!! give them to a friend for safekeeping!
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 20:22
Hi, dear Natasha, i have the best advice for you , 1. let him play around dont argue with him too much... 2. and dont go for divorce its a hard world to live by ones self and you also have kids ,please dont bring divorce even in your mind. 3. if you are with him he will have to pay all the expenses and in the end his life will be hard (keeping feets in 2 boats) he will realize it . 4. be patient and just let him know that he can do what the **** he wants to but also by doing your thing like always in daily routine make him feel you were there for him always and he also has responsibility for you and his kids , just let him loose he will get it in time . 5, you wont have more demands then his new lover just let him realize it by letting him free to do what ever he wants and in time he will realize it. FINALLY BY TIME EVERY THING CHANGES AND IF YOU DIVORCE HIM HE WILL BE WINNER AND BY NOT DIVORCING HIM HE WILL BE BOUND TO HIS RESPONSIBILITY'S HE WONT BE FREE, wow, this is the 21st century and with everyone banging on about how far women's rights have come it's tragic to realise there are still cultures where this advice is not only acceptable but preferable... No woman should ever have to tolerate living with a man who behaves this way and horrible to think of children having to be caught up in such a situation...and don't think children don't know what's going on around them because they do. I'm sorry for your situation and my advice would be the same as the other ladies who say get proper legal advice. Free yourself from this apology for a man - let him and his floozy rot together, and know that it won't last, if one woman isn't enough for him a hundred won't be...she'll be traded in for a newer model soon enough... Good luck.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 19:29
This and another post seem to highlight something of a cultural divide. Sad to see that some women have been brainwashed into disrespecting themselves. But the naked truth of this world is that some of us are truly worth less than others in the eyes of society. I once believed that was ABSOLUTELY WRONG, but came to discover over the years that this is absolutely the case. That for some people the best they can ever hope for is what someone may consider unacceptable. We all see it first hand daily - look at the maids being treated like they are nothing because what is their other option? The housewives who gave up everything for their family to lose it to a woman her husband met at work - a career woman - while she was left with no experience, laws that dd not provide support for her loss for having married him when she was young and still had opportunities to succeed (this became more common after the recession), people with passports from countries where home is the worst place to go so at last an abusive employer provides a salary. The world is so mean and ther really are winners and losers and so many people are simply praying that they never fall into the category of being the loser. And sadly being the divorced housewife here can drop you in that category when you have children because it is so hard to survive here alone, let alone with children to support, and low wages And then she has the wall of gong to her country but she may not know much about what to expect or whether it is the best choice for her children's future or whether her being a better act=ress is a better choice. So please, please OP, try and speak to a lawyer and get real advice based on the black and white letters rather than emotions - the law will be your support or speed bump - find out which it is and make an advised decision. I rest my case..
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 18:00
You do NOT need to live apart for five years. I have only officially been apart for a year. My ex is refusing to divorce but my solicitor reckons it will be done by Dec....I am actioning this on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Yes - there are grounds for "quicker" divorces including adultery but these would be different cases from this one as described ( the husband presumably would have to prove Mrs N had "unreasonable behaviour" etc which might be difficult). She could divorce HIM for adultery with ;proof quite quickly too if she wanted, of course. Sorry for any confusion.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 17:27
This and another post seem to highlight something of a cultural divide. Sad to see that some women have been brainwashed into disrespecting themselves. It's probably a case of not having any means on their own, unfortunately without money for good lawyers etc. a divorce can take some women back to square one that is a long way back from where some ladies on this board come from. Some husband will not support their children and ex wives unless they have someone really kicking them into it. A friend that is recently divorced really struggles, her ex husband hardly pay her anything and she had to take her child out of school to home school, there just isn't always easy to go back "home".
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EW GURU
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 17:21
You do NOT need to live apart for five years. I have only officially been apart for a year. My ex is refusing to divorce but my solicitor reckons it will be done by Dec....I am actioning this on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 17:20
Hi MrsNatasha, I'm sorry that you're going through this, it cannot be easy. My advice is not to agree to any demands until you have an informed opinion on where you stand legally, you need correct legal advice specific to your own situation. Once you have this I would also urge you to take your time to think about what is best for you and your family. Do not be rushed into any decision lightly or quickly by anyone, stand firm and hold your ground. This may be easier said than done but it may help you in the long run. Often we make hasty decisions and then regret them. From a legal standpoint, if you were to return to the UK there is no legal agreement between the UK and the UAE for the UK authorities i.e. the CSA to force your husband to pay any maintenance. Therefore if he remains in the UAE and you do not then you may end up with nothing. I am not sure on how this would work if you were to both remain in the UAE and divorce. If you were to go ahead with a divorce then you stand a better chance of a fairer divorce deal if you were to divorce in the UK. It sounds harsh but that is the reality. I hope you get through this one way or another but remember, find out legally where you stand and don't be rushed by him or anyone. Good luck and big hugs :)
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 16:56
This and another post seem to highlight something of a cultural divide. Sad to see that some women have been brainwashed into disrespecting themselves.
165
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 15:30
Hi, dear Natasha, i have the best advice for you , 1. let him play around dont argue with him too much... 2. and dont go for divorce its a hard world to live by ones self and you also have kids ,please dont bring divorce even in your mind. 3. if you are with him he will have to pay all the expenses and in the end his life will be hard (keeping feets in 2 boats) he will realize it . 4. be patient and just let him know that he can do what the **** he wants to but also by doing your thing like always in daily routine make him feel you were there for him always and he also has responsibility for you and his kids , just let him loose he will get it in time . 5, you wont have more demands then his new lover just let him realize it by letting him free to do what ever he wants and in time he will realize it. FINALLY BY TIME EVERY THING CHANGES AND IF YOU DIVORCE HIM HE WILL BE WINNER AND BY NOT DIVORCING HIM HE WILL BE BOUND TO HIS RESPONSIBILITY'S HE WONT BE FREE, Seriously? I can not believe this reply.. :(
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 14:31
I imagine most men don't care if it is illegal as if their Spouse reports them then they have will receive income from him. Its a catch 22. situation OP you need to think of yourself and the children that is the most important thing and I wish you luck The same thing happened to me many years ago however I didn't have any children to think of so it was a little easier.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 14:13
It's a difficult situation that you're in and you've already been given some very good advice from the other members in particular to seek legal advice if you're going to divorce. I don't know if your marriage is worth saving; only you know this and if it is then seek a good marriage counsellor and see if you can keep your family together. Also, I don't know if this affair is serious or is your husband just going through a mid life crisis type of fling or is he just a selfish man. He can be arrested for having an affair in Dubai/UAE as it is illegal...does he realise this fact? Anyway, only you know how much you love him and how strong your marriage is, think of yourself and think of your children...wish you all the best x
394
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 02 May 2016 - 12:51
Dear ladies, please advice what to do. My husband wants us to separate. Because this goes for while, he has another woman, I was very patient but today I replayed to him - ok. You file the divorce. he agreed. We have 2 boys 3 and 5 years old. I cannot support them financially myself. WE are both British. He is by birth. I am by naturalization. What to expect? Thanks in advance for any advises. A husband can get a divorce whether the wife "agrees" or not. However, in UK if one party does not agree the couple have to live apart for 5 years. Would he agree to a divorce taking place in UK if this is possible as you may not want not want a UAE divorce? If you can get a settlement order for a lump sum of money and/or a property into your name you then won't have to worry so much about him working in another country and trying to get regular maintenance..
 
 

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