Trying to create a balance with maid/childcare | ExpatWoman.com
 

Trying to create a balance with maid/childcare

1042
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 14:46

Sorry this is a maid question. My family had domestic help in the UK when I was growing up, I just had a nanny for DD whilst I was there for six months having various medical treatment but never had this problem.

Our maid in Dubai is really upsetting me.

She keeps on taking my child off me. I tell her no but then she tries again minutes later. I cannot do anything in the house as if I put her down for a second (I would normally let her run around the house supervised of course) the maid whisks her up and takes her in the garden or worse still walks off to the park!

I've told her not to take her to the park without asking, she still does it. In a five minute period when I was cooking dinner whilst holding my daughter I told her not to take her three times and eventually ended up having to physically push her away as she was pulling my child out my arms!

I do ask for some babysitting from her, plus she does baths as I recently had a back injury that I risk reoccurring from that kind of leaning and lifting. So I can't tell her not to touch my child. But at the same time she is completely imposing herself all the time.

I give her jobs to do but as soon as she has finished them she doesn't ask if I need anything else doing just goes and takes my daughter out again without asking. I am spending half my time looking for things to keep her busy. I'm getting to the point of wanting to 'send her to her room' which seems unreasonable but I don't know what else to do.

The weird thing is that he last family she worked for didn't even have any kids!

So the questions are, is this common and to be expected with maids in Dubai? Has anyone else had this problem and been able to deal with it and how? Or is this person just not the right maid for me and should I look for someone new? Thanks.

20
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 12 July 2016 - 17:25
Sorry to jump in on this thread, but I just wanted to say that I hope you have a way to sort it out quickly. If she is as defiant as it sounds, you really need to cut your losses and get her out of your house immediately. You can't trust her and it's not safe having your daughter out of the house without you knowing....just think, if it was anyone else taking her out without telling you, you would be calling the police right? There are temporary options until you get another maid in. You can call a company and have someone come in for 8 hours a day from outside. Good luck with this - I really hope you act fast on this one. Don't even wait for your husband to speak to her, it's not worth the risk of your daughter going missing.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 05 July 2016 - 21:10
how are things now, RuthM? Unfortunately this DM seems to have the employer/employee relationship the wrong way round!
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EW GURU
Latest post on 04 July 2016 - 10:13
I had a maid like this who always thought she knew better than me. For instance, I told her to boil rice for my daughter and she said "But Ma'am she had rice yesterday" and I told her to make it anyway. When I come back later and she's cooking pasta - when I asked her why I got them same reply - "But Ma'am she had rice yesterday", and I told her if I said rice then she has to make rice! Something so simple! I completely understand your frustration, and I hate making a scene too, especially if this person is looking after my child I dont want her taking out her anger at me on my child. You say she keeps wanting to take her out, I also think she has friends/boyfriend that she wants to meet outside so she uses your child as an excuse. Some maids unfortunately dont respect the boss-employee boundaries and need to be put in their place. Ultimately though, you will need to find someone new, this maid sounds quite headstrong so not sure how much she will be willing to change. Good luck!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 July 2016 - 16:53
And here i was sad that my maid came across slightly cold and unloving to my child. ;) Look, it really is pretty simple. Your personalities are just not well matched. I think it would be kind to allow her a chance to find another employer who is looking for this kind of constant attention for her child. We don't know what her background is. Maybe her former employer demanded constant attention from her. I have heard of children being delayed in walking because the parents instructed the nannies to never put the child down. Just look for a better fit. You will both be better off for it.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 01 July 2016 - 22:38
There is a power struggle in your home, and your maid is trying hard to steel your home from you! In any culture or community, no one have the right to obstruct your access to your child, unless it's a court order - this is not the case at all - this maid really have to be gone! She is constantly going out, in this heat! She is meeting up with someone or her friends, and using the excuse of having your baby with her all the time, by creating a strong bond between her and your baby, so she can glue herself into this household and disregard your position as the lady of the house and getting more power by having your baby consider her "mum" instead of you! If it was me, I'll not let that maid stay in my home another minute, she'll be on the next flight home with all her dues.... Even if I'll be crawling on four, I won't need a woman like this to be under my roof, I understand from your posts you are stay at his me mum, until you hire a new maid; have the agency maids to come and do chores, you can cook meals for a week ahead and freez it.. Your baby look she is younger and might be learning to walk - from the posts you posted I got this impression- in this age baby want to walk and explore more than being held, you can do it, you don't need the passive aggressive and reality check attitude from that maid, we hire maids to make our live easier not a constant fight like that Ouch, this is mean, a lot of these girls genuinely loves children and I think they are just trying to look after the children as a motherly instinct. When you start to have these kind of thoughts, don't bring a maid in to your family. Then why don't you employ that maid if you think that was mean and harsh? Really if you think this maid is not a good placement for op, go ahead and offer her employment with you, but don't come here complaining about her running your house with no regard to you.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 01 July 2016 - 20:57
There is a power struggle in your home, and your maid is trying hard to steel your home from you! In any culture or community, no one have the right to obstruct your access to your child, unless it's a court order - this is not the case at all - this maid really have to be gone! She is constantly going out, in this heat! She is meeting up with someone or her friends, and using the excuse of having your baby with her all the time, by creating a strong bond between her and your baby, so she can glue herself into this household and disregard your position as the lady of the house and getting more power by having your baby consider her "mum" instead of you! If it was me, I'll not let that maid stay in my home another minute, she'll be on the next flight home with all her dues.... Even if I'll be crawling on four, I won't need a woman like this to be under my roof, I understand from your posts you are stay at his me mum, until you hire a new maid; have the agency maids to come and do chores, you can cook meals for a week ahead and freez it.. Your baby look she is younger and might be learning to walk - from the posts you posted I got this impression- in this age baby want to walk and explore more than being held, you can do it, you don't need the passive aggressive and reality check attitude from that maid, we hire maids to make our live easier not a constant fight like that Ouch, this is mean, a lot of these girls genuinely loves children and I think they are just trying to look after the children as a motherly instinct. When you start to have these kind of thoughts, don't bring a maid in to your family.
1170
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 01 July 2016 - 12:18
There is a power struggle in your home, and your maid is trying hard to steel your home from you! In any culture or community, no one have the right to obstruct your access to your child, unless it's a court order - this is not the case at all - this maid really have to be gone! She is constantly going out, in this heat! She is meeting up with someone or her friends, and using the excuse of having your baby with her all the time, by creating a strong bond between her and your baby, so she can glue herself into this household and disregard your position as the lady of the house and getting more power by having your baby consider her "mum" instead of you! If it was me, I'll not let that maid stay in my home another minute, she'll be on the next flight home with all her dues.... Even if I'll be crawling on four, I won't need a woman like this to be under my roof, I understand from your posts you are stay at his me mum, until you hire a new maid; have the agency maids to come and do chores, you can cook meals for a week ahead and freez it.. Your baby look she is younger and might be learning to walk - from the posts you posted I got this impression- in this age baby want to walk and explore more than being held, you can do it, you don't need the passive aggressive and reality check attitude from that maid, we hire maids to make our live easier not a constant fight like that
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 30 June 2016 - 15:59
Maybe she has a daughter back in her home country who she misses and is trying to spend time with your daughter as a substitute.
1042
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 23:55
Thanks all, I've spoken to my husband and he hasn't asked her to do anything extra. He's working from home next week so said he will have a chat with her during the week. Fingers crossed we can explain things to her amicably and move on in a more positive way.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 19:01
Do you think your husband could have asked her to make sure you have an easy time after your operation? Maybe he asked her to help you out more and she is insisting on helping you/your child as a way of doing that? Maybe he knew your medication made you a bit short tempered and wanted to take the strain off yoh? I think it's worth asking him before you speak to her.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 17:29
Daza is spot on! It's your house, your child, you set the rules. Her behaviour sounds unacceptable to me. Step up, let your husband step up or fire her. You have to take control of your home and your and your child's live, no matter how emotional you are. The maid is clearly taking advantage of your emotions. I feel for you, but now is the time to act. Good luck!
4062
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 17:01
RuthM, it's not normal and you are not over reacting. I'd say you are totally under reacting to be honest. Stand up for yourself and stand up for your child, she will be picking up on your stress. It's also not right that she is seeing her mummy over ruled and someone trying to keep you from her. Seriously, this woman is going to have you slicing mangoes for her soon.
4062
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 16:53
I would say the maid isn't a fit for you, it sounds like she means well taking her to the park etc. Do you think you might be a bit too protective that the maid doesn't get a too close relationship with your child? It's difficult to change someone's personality and these girls mostly don't have much training or education and it's difficult to change if it's not working out. I don't think it's being too protective to not want your child to form a close relationship with your employee. Every family is different and we all need to do what works for us but some people don't want or need their children to be close to their maid.
1042
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 16:49
Hi RuthM It is your home and your child, why on earth are you letting another woman call the shots? You employ her, if she refuses to accept your authority as her boss then you need to fire her and find someone who does accept that you are in charge. I would sit her down one final time (with your husband too if that would help you) and explain in no uncertain terms that she is only to interact with your child when you have specifically asked her to, at other times she is to attend to her other duties and leave you to enjoy your time with your child. No discussion, no further warnings. If she can't do this she can find another job. No need to get nasty or accusatory, just tell her how things are going to be from now on. You really need to take charge and stop having your precious time with your child ruined by someone who you have employed to help you. I'm generally a calm reasonable person but if someone tried to wrestle my child off me they would be straight out my door. Thanks, I really wanted to know if this was a normal thing here and if I was just overreacting. I think I will get my husband to speak to her this weekend, with me present, I'm too upset and angry to speak to her directly. Then she can have until we get back after my hopefully last trip to the UK for medical treatment and see if she changes. If not then I think we will have to let her go.
1042
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 16:44
I would say the maid isn't a fit for you, it sounds like she means well taking her to the park etc. Do you think you might be a bit too protective that the maid doesn't get a too close relationship with your child? It's difficult to change someone's personality and these girls mostly don't have much training or education and it's difficult to change if it's not working out. Perhaps but I do not joke when I say I am unable to hold my child without being constantly harassed. And I cannot put her down to play as she is removed. Constantly. It's basically a constant battle to get any time with my daughter. Right now I am sitting in another room furious again as I stepped out the room to get some water from the fridge and came back to find my daughter gone, I go to get her and then the maid tells me 'she's busy' as in my daughter is too busy for me whilst blocking my entry to the room. A normal person would have moved it the doorway and let me in! She may mean well but in the UK I had an untrained Eastern European lady helping with my daughter during surgery and she would never have overstepped like this. Even when I couldn't stand up she would have asked if it was okay to take her to the park and let her play in the room with me saying to call if I needed anything. She will not take no for an answer and no matter the lack of training that is just rude. I'm on medication at the moment for medical treatment that does make me short tempered and I just have to leave the room as I cannot deal with the confrontation. Fighting with the maid over my child, it's insane! I think you're right we need to look for someone else.
4062
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 16:41
Hi RuthM It is your home and your child, why on earth are you letting another woman call the shots? You employ her, if she refuses to accept your authority as her boss then you need to fire her and find someone who does accept that you are in charge. I would sit her down one final time (with your husband too if that would help you) and explain in no uncertain terms that she is only to interact with your child when you have specifically asked her to, at other times she is to attend to her other duties and leave you to enjoy your time with your child. No discussion, no further warnings. If she can't do this she can find another job. No need to get nasty or accusatory, just tell her how things are going to be from now on. You really need to take charge and stop having your precious time with your child ruined by someone who you have employed to help you. I'm generally a calm reasonable person but if someone tried to wrestle my child off me they would be straight out my door.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 29 June 2016 - 16:25
I would say the maid isn't a fit for you, it sounds like she means well taking her to the park etc. Do you think you might be a bit too protective that the maid doesn't get a too close relationship with your child? It's difficult to change someone's personality and these girls mostly don't have much training or education and it's difficult to change if it's not working out.
 
 

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