Helping your spouse with grief | ExpatWoman.com
 

Helping your spouse with grief

193
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 25 March 2017 - 17:55

Hi there,

My husband has recently received a phone call that if he would like to say a final farewell to his father who has been ill for a very long time, he should come now. He has booked his ticket and immediately flew to the UK, not knowing when he would return.

My first instinct was to join him but since we didn't know what the situation would be over the next weeks and I can only take off a number of days from work he has advised me to not join him as yet.

My question is, has anyone of you been through a similar situation and how can I support him in this difficult time? I feel very vulnerable right now but at the same time I know that I have to be the strong one.

I would appreciate to hear from you and any advise that could help.

193
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 04 April 2017 - 18:45
I don't really know how to explain what it feels like, Zuhaira, and I can't speak for your husband, but knowing that my parent would pass away soon was super stressful (this had been ongoing for a few months). Once I knew it was very imminent I probably became quite selfish and didn't want to think about normal, everyday people and things - so much of my thinking time was taken up with the loss of my parent and how things would never be the same again. I guess that is perhaps where your husband is at the moment... it will pass, hang in there; he's going through a really tough time at the moment and it's not something you can fully share. Thank you for this Chunk. It is very similar to what you are describing. I have a feeling that it will get worse before it gets better. I decided that I won't mention any delicate subjects as I feel that regardless he would want to pick a fight as he is extremely sensitive. I will try and be patient and hopefully join him on his next trip as I feel he really needed me there. Also for the meantime I am taking each day as it comes without making too many plans for us. Thank you for your advise by the way, it means a lot.
24
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 04 April 2017 - 11:05
I don't really know how to explain what it feels like, Zuhaira, and I can't speak for your husband, but knowing that my parent would pass away soon was super stressful (this had been ongoing for a few months). Once I knew it was very imminent I probably became quite selfish and didn't want to think about normal, everyday people and things - so much of my thinking time was taken up with the loss of my parent and how things would never be the same again. I guess that is perhaps where your husband is at the moment... it will pass, hang in there; he's going through a really tough time at the moment and it's not something you can fully share.
193
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 03 April 2017 - 16:06
I've just gone through this but from the other perspective - as the one losing the parent. I flew home at short notice to say my final farewell so I don't know if it will help you to tell you how it felt from my perspective. I can only describe it as 'getting in the zone' - once you're surrounded by a medical environment where death is an everyday occurrence something takes over and you just instinctively get on with it and know what to do, somehow. We have an inner strength that we can call upon; I didn't know I had it in me. My focus was pretty much entirely on my parent, and my brother and I went into a kind of lock-down where the outside world had no importance for a short while as we took the final journey with my parent. There was nothing my husband could do to help (he was over here) at the time but I did need his support afterwards when he came for the funeral. So I would say don't feel guilty and wait until he says he needs you to go over. I've spoken to various friends about parents dying and we all have stories to tell of what now seems funny or odd behavior around the time of the death of a parent - things you can't quite understand now with the benefit of time, so don't be surprised if he behaves a little out of character. Good luck; your husband is very lucky to have such a supportive wife. Following up he has returned home and he is acting very odd. It hasn't happened yet but we are ready to go back and forth for the next few weeks. I remembered what you have said which helps me a bit but it is certainly much more difficult than I thought as he is treating me very different. I really hope this will calm down soon as it's not easy for me at all.
193
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 31 March 2017 - 20:20
Hi there, Thank you so much for your very kind message and my apologies for the late reply. I am so terribly sorry for you and that you had to go through this. I can only imagine that it is not an easy situation at all and it is wonderful to read that you found the inner strength to deal with it all when your presence was much needed. I love the way you put it in "Getting in the zone" as I can exactly imagine it this way. It is almost as being in a shock situation where everything seems very clear. I have taken the last days to focus on myself and really and thoroughly recharge as I know that my husband needs it more than anything and I don't think that it will be easy for him. I am so glad that he is spending time with his father right now as I am sure this will help him a lot for later on not feeling guilty for not being there all the time. I suppose regardless how wonderful an expat life is, these things are situations we have to deal with unfortunately. I absolutely love being abroad though and I am certain that it has enriched us and our loved ones in many ways of course.
24
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 27 March 2017 - 09:47
I've just gone through this but from the other perspective - as the one losing the parent. I flew home at short notice to say my final farewell so I don't know if it will help you to tell you how it felt from my perspective. I can only describe it as 'getting in the zone' - once you're surrounded by a medical environment where death is an everyday occurrence something takes over and you just instinctively get on with it and know what to do, somehow. We have an inner strength that we can call upon; I didn't know I had it in me. My focus was pretty much entirely on my parent, and my brother and I went into a kind of lock-down where the outside world had no importance for a short while as we took the final journey with my parent. There was nothing my husband could do to help (he was over here) at the time but I did need his support afterwards when he came for the funeral. So I would say don't feel guilty and wait until he says he needs you to go over. I've spoken to various friends about parents dying and we all have stories to tell of what now seems funny or odd behavior around the time of the death of a parent - things you can't quite understand now with the benefit of time, so don't be surprised if he behaves a little out of character. Good luck; your husband is very lucky to have such a supportive wife.
193
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 26 March 2017 - 19:47
Hi there, Thank you so so much for sharing your experience and advise which I highly appreciate. I am very sorry that you had to go through this also. I know that it is inevitable for the most of us, but it really doesn't make it any easier and I feel it is so important to have friends and family around which I am so thankful for. I am doing exactly what you have mentioned and I am trying to be there for him from far and I think it is helping him to see that I am here and everything around the house, paperwork etc. is taken care of and that life carries on as usual. It is nice to share daily things with him and I can see that it takes his mind off things whenever we speak. Also I felt that I had to pull myself together regardless how tough it was for me after the left, but I feel that I have to be very strong at this time to be able to take care of him now and more so when he returns. Thank you also for the reminder to call his mom and family often to show my support. I might end up flying there actually as it might help them knowing that someone else is there to take care of small things such as tidying up and cooking, and so on. Thank you once again for your kindness, I really appreciate it!
118
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 26 March 2017 - 08:31
I am so sorry to read of your situation. I was in a similar situation two years when my husbands dad passed away. He had been ill but not for very long, 3 months from diagnosis to the end which was quite sudden/unexpected for it to come so soon. I really feel for you, it is so so hard watching someone you love so much suffering and losing someone they love so much. From experience, I don't think there is anything much you can do to make this any easier, it will be very hard. But for him, knowing you are there to listen, support, help out in any way needed will be a great help and peace of mind. For me, it was making sure his mum was never on her own, phonecalls, text messages, cups of tea although I appreciate you are not there. Also understanding that he might not want to talk about what is going on, doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to you, just not about what is going on. So have conversations about other things going on, talk about your work, the news, anything to take his mind off what is going on if even for a couple of minutes. For now, when you are apart, I think just to reassure him you are there for him and thinking of him. When the time comes, there will be lots of practical things you can do to help, phoning family members/friends, ordering flowers, making more cups of tea! For my husband, he just wanted to know I was there for him, not expecting anything just to be there, to listen and advise and to know he is not on his own! Take care at this difficult time!
 
 

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