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DubaiCat
Posts 9925



22/04/2011 12:38:31
Thanks for all the input (and thanks AP!). DH helpfully forgot to give our new credit card details to Du so our account was suspended and we now have 'technical issues' so I'm borrowing AP's internet Big Grin.

I'm not bored, no. Just don't really fancy having to send condolences when my uncle has to go identify a body or pick up the pieces after an attack because my cousin has made such poor choices she's put herself in a situation she can't get out of.

I considered sending her a message directly but then if I do that and Mum ends up talking to my uncle anyway, she'll know we told him and I don't want to upset her (much as I do want her to stay safe). She - like many girls her age in the UK, it seems - appears to be obsessed with the whole reality TV scene and of course as that's how the girls behave on TV, she thinks that's what she needs to do to be famous .

Even if it's only friends of friends who can see the images, like CdnExpat70 says, anyone who can see them can download them.

Her mum is also her friend of FB but I can only guess she either doesn't go on there or my cousin has set the security levels so that her mum can't see the pictures.

Hmmm, it's difficult.


AussiePup
Posts 1601



21/04/2011 20:27:07
Hi All
DC wanted me to pass on "thanks you all for the responses". She is currently having internet issues so will post when she can.


CdnExpat70
Posts 195



21/04/2011 13:55:05
madolecow wrote:

Maybe she uploaded all the photos forgetting those were there? Easy to do. not everyone is as perfect as clearly you are!
Your family are clearly living in each other's pockets so maybe telling all and sundry about the pictures is what would suit you but the OP is asking advice on HER family and I know that many people that age would be red in the face at hearing about the pictures from a cousin nevermind a parent and if she wants to take the pictures off, that is all she will need.
Oh and by the way, you really think it is appropriate for the father to be looking at the pictures in question to make a judgement?


Wow, madolecow, judgemental much? I'm pretty sure I didn't imply in any of my responses that I was anywhere close to perfect - I made many mistakes along the way, and thank goodness we didn't have the internet during some of them, it's a whole new ballgame these days, and our indiscretions can be out there for the whole world to see now - and forever.
There is a big difference between looking out for each other's well being and being "in each other's pockets" as you say...
I am not passing any judgement on your family dynamics or morals based on what your OPINION is about what the OP should do, I kindly ask the same of you. The OP asked for opinions, I clearly stated (more than once) that my opinion is based on what would work best in my family, many others have given differing opinions - isn't this what the OP wants, to see what others may do, then decide for herself what would work best for her and her family?

I can see both sides of this argument, truly - I've given my opinion and am only wishing the best for the OP. It's clear she cares about her cousin and does not want to see her making decisions that can be harmful to her, her safety or her future. With that, I'm bowing out of this conversation.

All the best.


xmasbaby
Posts 1949



21/04/2011 12:02:33
If it were my cousin, I'd send a message saying, look in case you don't know the pictures from "x" are visible to everyone. Thought you might want to know

My husbands younger cousin kept putting inappropriate pictures (and I mean very very inappropriate) as her profile picture and I was horrified...not to mention she had listed me as Family. Finally one of the cousins emailed her - she was ****** but did change the picture! lol


scotinthelakes
Posts 82



21/04/2011 11:39:56
My cousins and step-brothers (age range 16 to 23) - all boys - post the most inappropriate things - swearing, stuff they get up to, photos. I have written to them directly and said "stop - anyone could read this" but they don't care. My dad wanted to see my stepbrother's page as he was on a term abroad and got really cross at the level of conversation - all the hundreds of comments from friends and replies by him - all bad grammar, bad spelling - dad wanted to go to his private school and demand a refund from the English teacher


madolecow
Posts 490



21/04/2011 11:38:25
what-to-do wrote:
Maybe she wants to show her ti*ts to everyone? she is an adult!!! Grown up!!! 21 years of age!!! why do you people have to interfere in someones life? don't you have your own problems? I hate people sticking their noses into NOT theirs business.Look closer to home for some problems to solve if you are bored! She knows what she is doing, she knows it can cause emberssement in the future, so let her learn by her own mistakes.


AMEN


SueB
Posts 11151



21/04/2011 10:59:23
Ermm the OP is asking for suggestions not condemnation for caring lol...I think I would be more worried about her drinking to excess and going home without her belongings with a stranger rather than the photos. I would call her and gently suggest she change her privacy settings in case she didnt know all her photos were public...if she scoffs at that idea, dont worry about it then, if she didnt realze and does change the settings, dont worry about it ...sounds as if this is her first year in uni and she is partying rather than studying, unfortunately, this is normal for alot of kids and also, hopefully she will get over it before damage is done. So, I would leave it alone for the time being. You could start having a conversation now and then with her just in case she could use someone to talk to somewhere down the road...leave the door open, just in case.


MsGeorge
Posts 139



21/04/2011 10:46:42
Appletiser wrote:
Shes an adult. Best to mind your own business.


Agree, a few topless photos is hardly the end of the world!


what-to-do
Posts 22



21/04/2011 10:46:37
Maybe she wants to show her ti*ts to everyone? she is an adult!!! Grown up!!! 21 years of age!!! why do you people have to interfere in someones life? don't you have your own problems? I hate people sticking their noses into NOT theirs business.Look closer to home for some problems to solve if you are bored! She knows what she is doing, she knows it can cause emberssement in the future, so let her learn by her own mistakes.


reddirtgrrrl
Posts 109



21/04/2011 10:07:28
I recently had a similar situation with my twenty four year old niece.

Her mom IS her FB friend, which really befuddles me.

It bothered me for a long time, then I realized it was MY problem, so I just unfriended her, so as to no longer be bothered. Her mom will have to sort her out (or not).

I think your cousin is lucky to have someone who cares about her, and you will do the right thing.


madolecow
Posts 490



21/04/2011 09:34:32
CdnExpat70 wrote:
I'm wondering, madolecow, what the genuine mistake was - was it that she took her top off in front of everyone and allowed photos? Was it that those photos were posted to facebook? or Was it that she doesn't have her privacy settings set tight enough? This is as much an issue of what everyone can see right now on facebook as it is about the choices she is making to expose herself in public. I am truly no prude and had my fair share of foolish, reckless and indecent fun when I was that age..and thank goodness there was no digital media and internet to preserve it for all eternity...
I also agree that she needs to be spoken with first - by the cousin, and the aunt can have a conversation with the father.
There is no denying she can and will "do as she pleases"...but as a parent, my responsibility to help them, love them and guide them will in no way end when they are 21.
Heck, I'm into my 40's...and my parents still offer advice and suggestions - and thank goodness I'm now old and wise enough to take what they say under advisement, and make my own decisions - as they are often the voice of reason when it is escaping me, so I'm thankful for that.
There are other relationships at issue here - like the relationship between the girl's father and his sister. If my brother knew my daughters were making reckless choices and decided not to tell me about it, since she was almost 21...I'd be royally pi$$ed at him! As he would be at me if it were the other way around!
Again, I am stating what would be best in the confines of MY family dynamics, as I would not presume to know what the expectations would be from the family in question - but I am just pointing out that these situations are not taking place in a vacuum, and there is more than just the relationship between the girl and the cousin at play here.
edited by CdnExpat70 on 20/04/2011


Maybe she uploaded all the photos forgetting those were there? Easy to do. not everyone is as perfect as clearly you are!
Your family are clearly living in each other's pockets so maybe telling all and sundry about the pictures is what would suit you but the OP is asking advice on HER family and I know that many people that age would be red in the face at hearing about the pictures from a cousin nevermind a parent and if she wants to take the pictures off, that is all she will need.
Oh and by the way, you really think it is appropriate for the father to be looking at the pictures in question to make a judgement?


A Rancher
Posts 3303



20/04/2011 20:30:06
I think you should say something to her. You are her family and family members should look after each other. She may be upset initially but in the long run she'll be glad you care.


lcfcfem
Posts 839



20/04/2011 18:44:22
Appletiser wrote:
Shes an adult. Best to mind your own business.


Agree - if you dont like it, dont look. She knows the pics are there, so I presume she is happy with that. If someone else had added them, then that's a different matter. I think if you speak to her she will just block you anyway. It is the era we all live in nowdays with social networking sites, and what we found as acceptable/unacceptable when we were younger, is not the same anymore.


Appletiser
Posts 7406



20/04/2011 17:40:43
Shes an adult. Best to mind your own business.


CdnExpat70
Posts 195



20/04/2011 17:30:31
I'm wondering, madolecow, what the genuine mistake was - was it that she took her top off in front of everyone and allowed photos? Was it that those photos were posted to facebook? or Was it that she doesn't have her privacy settings set tight enough? This is as much an issue of what everyone can see right now on facebook as it is about the choices she is making to expose herself in public. I am truly no prude and had my fair share of foolish, reckless and indecent fun when I was that age..and thank goodness there was no digital media and internet to preserve it for all eternity...
I also agree that she needs to be spoken with first - by the cousin, and the aunt can have a conversation with the father.
There is no denying she can and will "do as she pleases"...but as a parent, my responsibility to help them, love them and guide them will in no way end when they are 21.
Heck, I'm into my 40's...and my parents still offer advice and suggestions - and thank goodness I'm now old and wise enough to take what they say under advisement, and make my own decisions - as they are often the voice of reason when it is escaping me, so I'm thankful for that.
There are other relationships at issue here - like the relationship between the girl's father and his sister. If my brother knew my daughters were making reckless choices and decided not to tell me about it, since she was almost 21...I'd be royally pi$$ed at him! As he would be at me if it were the other way around!
Again, I am stating what would be best in the confines of MY family dynamics, as I would not presume to know what the expectations would be from the family in question - but I am just pointing out that these situations are not taking place in a vacuum, and there is more than just the relationship between the girl and the cousin at play here.
edited by CdnExpat70 on 20/04/2011


Chocs01
Posts 4776



20/04/2011 17:25:22
Well not EVERYONE might be able to see them, the settings might be as 'friends of friends'. But even so FB don't like that sort of thing anyway and she's klikely to get her profile suspended for that sort of thing.


madolecow
Posts 490



20/04/2011 17:16:57
CdnExpat70 wrote:
Honestly, I respectfully disagree about not telling the parents. I very much agree that it is a good idea for the cousin (more so than the Aunt) to talk directly with her and not just let her know that everyone can see those photos, but about how they have potential to really affect her life down the road. I understand she isn't considering this...but 5-10 years from now when she's up for a promotion or a dream job, and some of her past indiscretions come to light, she will sure as heck wish someone had discussed with her and tried to get her to be much more cautious publicly.
My daughters are blessed to have concerned family members (older cousins, etc) that are always looking out for them. I've often used them as a resource knowing that the very same words coming out of their mouths would be better received than from mine. While 21 may technically be an adult, let's face it, most at that age are still only living in the here and now - if I can try to protect them from having some serious regrets later in life, I most certainly will!
When my daughter is 21, I may not have any real authority in getting her to do what I want her to - that will not stop me from wanting to TRY to protect her if I can.


Doesnt matter who tells her, the fact is she will still do as she pleases. Better to mention direct than ruin and kind of relationship by "telling tales" and it could be a genuine mistake!


CdnExpat70
Posts 195



20/04/2011 17:15:15
Honestly, I respectfully disagree about not telling the parents. I very much agree that it is a good idea for the cousin (more so than the Aunt) to talk directly with her and not just let her know that everyone can see those photos, but about how they have potential to really affect her life down the road. I understand she isn't considering this...but 5-10 years from now when she's up for a promotion or a dream job, and some of her past indiscretions come to light, she will sure as heck wish someone had discussed with her and tried to get her to be much more cautious publicly.
My daughters are blessed to have concerned family members (older cousins, etc) that are always looking out for them. I've often used them as a resource knowing that the very same words coming out of their mouths would be better received than from mine. While 21 may technically be an adult, let's face it, most at that age are still only living in the here and now - if I can try to protect them from having some serious regrets later in life, I most certainly will!
When my daughter is 21, I may not have any real authority in getting her to do what I want her to - that will not stop me from wanting to TRY to protect her if I can.


YorkshirePud
Posts 246



20/04/2011 17:10:17
I would just politely let her know that her pictures are there for all to see. If it's a genuine error I would think (and I know I would) that she will remove the pictures altogether in shame that my uncle and aunty had seen mein all my glory! Then again, someone who is happy for all their friends to see them half naked may not be too bothered.

I'd tell her though and as the other posters say, leave her to make her own decisions.


suze63
Posts 1880



20/04/2011 17:07:14
How awful (probably it''s for this reason my 19 year old DD won't allow me to be her friend). Tell the girl that anyone can access this (including future employers by the way).


chizz
Posts 2000



20/04/2011 17:03:29
Agree - in regard to the OP's question - I would speak with the girl in question first and let her know that everyone can view the pics. I don't know whether I'd tell the parents tbh, as she's old enough to make her own choices as to what goes on her FB page, rightly or wrongly....
edited by chizz on 20/04/2011


madolecow
Posts 490



20/04/2011 17:03:28
I would nicely point out that everyone can see the pictures, including family members that may not approve and leave it to her.


Sanddy_Dogg
Posts 9412



20/04/2011 16:54:05
I agree, the implications of posting photos in a few comedic minutes can affect for years to come but I still think that at 21 years of age the OP needs to talk to her first, not going behind her back to her father.

Facebook can be great. With mobile uploads out families thousands of miles away can see what we were doing 30 seconds ago, but it can also be a bl**dy menace!


chizz
Posts 2000



20/04/2011 16:51:58
Some of the photos my DH's niece has posted on FB would make your hair curl (and I'm broad minded) - pole dancing with legs (very) akimbo is the least of it (I have nothing against pole dancing btw)...The funny thing is, when I saw her a few months ago in the UK, she was as shy a a church mouse and you couldn't get a word out of her! I must say I was shocked when I first saw the photos and wondered if her mum had seen them for herself. I would hate my daughter to be posting such photos on her FB page (public or not) - it just gives people the wrong idea!
edited by chizz on 20/04/2011


CdnExpat70
Posts 195



20/04/2011 16:37:22
Well, I think I'm not equipped to give advice on what the best thing to do for your family would be...but I can tell you what I would like to have happen if that were my daughter.
First, I would REALLY want someone to let me know about the photos (and my daughter's poor choices). Young people today don't seem too concerned about the possible repercussions of putting themselves "out there" so to speak on these social networking sites. The fact is, these photos could really hurt her when it comes time to apply for a job she really wants. It's amazing the avenues that company recruiters and HR departments will use when screening potential candidates. I have my daughter's (still only in 7th grade) facebook privacy settings very tight....but I often remind her that everything she puts on the web is there forever - even if she deletes it...these photos can be downloaded by anyone who can view them and distributed however they see fit.

While some of what your cousin is doing is fairly common, usual college aged behavior, she is also making reckless choices (especially with technology today) that can really affect her future. If I was her parent, I would really want to be made aware of this.

Good luck, these situations are always touchy.


emmess
Posts 588



20/04/2011 16:21:56
I agree with Sanddy_Dogg, I would let her know that everyone can see them, friends or not, and maybe she'll rethink setting her privacy features so that family and the rest of the world can't see them. As for telling your uncle, if she was underage, I would say tell him, but at almost 21, she is an adult, and if I were you, I would stay out of it and mind my own business. I don't agree with what she's doing either, but she is almost 21, hence old enough to make her own decisions (unfortunately)


Sanddy_Dogg
Posts 9412



20/04/2011 16:17:10
Can't you just message her yourself and ask if she's aware that every Tom, Dick and Harry can see her photos and tell her if she's not happy with this to set them to be viewable by friends only.

It may very well be that she's entirely aware that her photos are viewable by everyone and she's happy with that. At 21 years old I think it's probably up to her to decide what she shows to the world - rightly or wrongly - and I'm not sure there's a lot you can do.


DubaiCat
Posts 9925



20/04/2011 16:05:39
Mum and I are both friends with my cousin, Mum's brother's daughter, on FB. She's just turning 21 next month. She's always out in clubs and bars, half-dressed as is the fashion these days, and the photos are all over FB shortly after. Hey-ho.

She's just posted a load of photos from a recent house party she went to, where they're all in bikinis in a hot tub drinking cocktails. To cut a long story short, the album ends with a pile of photos of the girls topless and all over each other in the tub while the boys look on.

I logged in as DH, who isn't friends with her, to see if I could still see the photos and I could.

Do we let my uncle know? If DH can see the photos and he's not her friend, most likely anyone can see them (or at least any friends of friends).

I know she's been out and been so drunk she's come home without most of her clothes when she's been at her uni accommodation in Manchester, and she's also been out and been so drunk she's lost her phone, purse and keys and had to get some random stranger to take her home in a taxi from central London.

I really am concerned for her safety and I don't think near-naked photos of her being available for all to see on FB is a good thing.

What to do?


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