dramaqn
Posts 1273

People won't change unless they really believe in it - YOU can't change them. So, either adjust your expectations of him or if you can't do that, exit.

MrsCanuck
Posts 54

hilsbils
Posts 1778

apologies ... Im rabbiting on here.... But instead of perhaps focussing on the promises he hasnt kept, ask yourself "What have I promised myself which I have neglected?" We can often forget about all those things we owe ourselves, and promise ourselves. We adjust, we adapt and we compromise ourselves. Go and make a big list of Promises to Me and ignoring him for a while, go and do them. Nails, facial, massage, long walks, reading a book in Safa park under the trees, etc..... tick them off and keep adding more.
edited by hilsbils on 25/06/2012

hilsbils
Posts 1778

Helen.... Im reading here that you will consider "trying to build a life for myself out here" only if things start to go well with this man. Unfortunately we can find ourselves doing this - putting our lives on hold, or giving ourselves permission to really get stuck in and enjoy ourselves ONLY within a loving relationship. What I can suggest is perhaps making the very best of Dubai, and doing all that which makes you happy and sustains you regardless of how well the relationship is going. Women need to embark on radical self care which isnt isnt dependent on anyone else. I bought this DVD from the Dubai Mall bookstore http://www.cherylrichardson.com/store/the-art-of-extreme-self-care/ and listened to it in the car and it really helped. Every precious moment of your life is important and counts for everything. When you do the hobbies, activities, friendships, etc that make you happy, he may find he doesnt need to meet all your needs, and you dont need him to meet all your needs either .... because you are meeting them yourself!!
Good luck. This is a long journey! If it helps I was single and dating back and forth throughout most of my 30s and am nearly 41 and a newlywed :-)
edited by hilsbils on 25/06/2012
edited by hilsbils on 25/06/2012

Helen C
Posts 63

Thank you for your two cents worth MrsCanuck, I am pleased that you had the strength to break free and are now happy.
Sometimes (a lot) I know I need to do just that, but I have invested so much in this relationship. I have given up everything to follow him out here. I know I can always go back home but what a scary lonely thought.
I am starting to think that if things don't work out and I do find the strength to leave him then maybe I try and build a life for myself out here on my own.....gulp!
As you get older it is just more and more scary. I have been on my own before, and I know I would be OK....happy even...but lonely. Plus the age I am now, this really was my last chance saloon for the hubby n kids scenario. I suppose I just have to put that dream to bed now.
If I stay here I know there is more of a social life than back at home, but then everywhere you go it seams to be happily married couples everywhere. Is that the reality or are there other 'older' singletons here?

MrsCanuck
Posts 54

I'm new here and so far have only really been reading...but I felt I needed to reply to this. Here's my two cents: If it takes that much work to have a relationship with someone, it's NOT worth it! Sure, some people can change, but why waste x number of years of your life being miserable waiting for it to happen?

I was once in a relationship with an abusive jerk, and he kept promising to change. I was very emotionally invested and kept sticking around, waiting for those changes to happen. Eventually, I realized I'd wasted 3 years on him and it was time to stop being miserable. I broke it off, and my life instantly improved. I told myself I'd rather be single than treated that way, and I was single for 5 years while I waited to find someone who didn't need to change in order to make me happy. I'm now happily married and SO glad I didn't keep waiting around for that jerk to change...I'd still be waiting!

Helen C
Posts 63

Thank you Proudmama012.

Proudmama012
Posts 112

I hope it works for you Helen cause unfortunately it did not work for me and we are getting separated. My advice is that in case it does not work for you, do not blame yourself, and make sure you tell yourself that you did the best you could. some things unfortunately do not change. Good luck.

Helen C
Posts 63

I'm hoping that tonight is the reality check that is needed.

bluecamel
Posts 189

Hijack alert: hilsbils, am looking at courses right now, could you share which one you did and if you were happy with the course?

TIA

BC

Lolacat
Posts 914

Proudmama012
Posts 112

If the person does not believe he needs to change, then NO

Helen C
Posts 63

Thanks Hilsbils, that gives me some hope.
Goodmorning....probably started saying he would change about a year ago but didn't take his promises seriously until say 3-6 months ago. But still here we are back at square one.

hilsbils
Posts 1778

This is such a hard one. I had this with my Dh. Our relationship went through a hellish time around 2009 where I felt he was continually making promises that were never kept. I was getting hurt in the same way over and over. We went into therapy etc. But around the end of 2009 I started a diploma in psychotherapy and through the course found myself changing and growing but mostly understanding how everything that he 'did' was a mirror back to my own core beliefs and buttons. Anyway, strangely, we both changed and grew and finally got married earlier this year. He is really different and I would have never said it was possible. But it also requires two people who are keen to 'work' on their stuff and take responsibility for their behaviour, which he did (in his own man-way which I didnt understand but seems to have worked) Very best of luck in this. xx

Helen C
Posts 63

I'm in a bit of a low place at the moment. So sick of hearing that a certain person will try harder and change, when bam......2 days later and we are right back where we started.
Do I keep believing in this person or just give up?