Go girl
Posts 44

thank you all so much... some really good advice. I won't cut all ties... but won't visit this summer. I am only in the UK for 5 days and she lives 300 miles away. Its not going to be worth the journey for the stress when I get there. I think its best to give myself some space and a year off doing the duty thing as its not appreciated anyway. I will keep in phone contact but will probably not be as often as I used to call her. She was an older mother when she had me and that does explain some of it and some of it is just plain selfishness. I am a mum myself now and could never treat my son the way she treats me. I will make sure my son has contact with her too although again limited as he doesn't really get anything from it.
I may not visit the Uk for 6 months to a year after this summer and I appreciate that her age / state of health I may not see her again but can live with that if that does happen. I tried telling her how I felt on our last conversation but she doesn;t hear it so I have to accept that is the way she is and there are some things I can't change.
The cigarettes are an issue as she has been falling asleep with lit cigarettes so is unsafe to have them. As no one nearby will buy them for her... that is why she asked me to post them. I was hurt as its the only time she has called me in years. Again i have to accept that that is what is important to her. If I visit this summer the first thing she will ask is for the duty frees and will be an atmosphere when I haven't brought them. I am so grateful for all your advice and am feeling a little more at peace now I have made a decision I think I can live with. Thank you.

PerkyPiglet
Posts 329

You can't choose your family and life is too short to have people in it that make you unhappy. Go on holiday somewhere nice as if you mentioned that you MIGHT not come and she is slating you, make it worth it.

SueB
Posts 10934

How unfortunate that your mother has not been able to connect with you. She is the one that has lost out on a devoted daughter and a good friend to have, especially in old age. She sounds like she has always been bitter inside and uncaring about alot more than yourself. Personally I would just say that Aunt Ethel said ÿou did not care if I was part of your life" and mum, if you feel that way then as hurtful as that is, I will live through it but how sorry I am that you have chosen this path, we could have been good friends. "

Call her now and then. You will not change how she is and you can ask her if she loves you, but....prepare yourself for an answer you dont like just in case.

You will always have the sadness about your mother, but please do not beat yourself up about it and let it interfere with your family. I doubt she is letting it interfer with her life, try and let it go to some extent if you can.

suze63
Posts 1672

I don't think you're terrible at all and I can't for the life of me understand why people remain in destructive relationships, who ever they are with. That being said though your mum is 80 so I would ask yourself the question 'how would I feel if she passed away tomorrow'? Your answer to that question should guide your behaviour and whether you carry on with the relationship. My MIL had a huge falling out with her sister years ago and even though her sister has reached out to her, by phoning or writing a letter MIL won't entertain it (having big family feuds, or a brukus, is a very Jewish thing and every Jewish family has at least one!). When I asked her that question (as I think she's bonkers for not meeting her sister half way), she responded with horror that she would be devastated because "...she's my sister". She looked at my like I was mad!

SweetSugar123
Posts 557

My mom and I have never really been close and I now have a completely different relationship with my children compared to the one I had with her. She is also very selfish always putting no.1 first. However, I have come to learn that she will never change and I do not want to live with regrets so I have a relationship with her but I do not do more than what she does. I dont think you should invest more in the relationship that you can afford to lose and acceptance goes a long way. Accept that that is the way she is, have no expectations and you will hopefully have no disappointments. I no longer expect her to call me or even her grandchildren, so when she does not, I am not disappointed. If she does, great. We get along and she comes for visits but I take it all in my stride and instead put all the energy I have (which was negative before) into fostering a relationship with my daughter and son that I always longed she would have with me. Since taking that approach, I no longer feel stressed out so much and we argue less! Selfish people have a way of not even realising how much their actions or words hurt others around them so chances are, she is oblivious to the way you are feeling and thinks she is a great mom. All the talks in the world will not change that. She has to want to change herself, from within. My mom has a similar relationship with her mom. That is why I made a conscious decision for it not to continue to the next generation with my kids. I hope you will do the same if you have kids or will have them in the future. The relationship is there but I no longer invest in it as much as I used to (mostly to get her approval, which you will never really get) and I have been much happier since. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.xx

CAPTAIN AMERICA !!
Posts 1664

If your Mom is 80 then I am assuming that she had you when she was on the older side (unless you are 60-ish), and could that be a reason why she was not as full-on as younger Moms?
Anyway, excuses aside, my Mom is quite distant and would think it something hilarious to say that she loves us, and thinks it weird that we call a few times a day when Dad has been in for surgery, but she does not even go to the hospital, either to take him in or visit him, preferring to stay home and 'hold down the fort'…..so strange.

Don't feel bad about considering it, but you can do what you like as the mood takes you. If you are hoping to make her feel it and to be remorseful, then this may be the wrong way, it could take a long time. just tell her that you are hurt and she should be sorry.

Chocs01
Posts 4776

Not an easy thing really. However I do feel that just because someone brings you into this world, doesn't make them a good or loving parent. My father fell out with his father really badly, grandad never cared about my dad, was always basically telling him what a loser he was - but deep down I think he was just jealous because my dad has worked hard and achieved the things he wanted to in life. They never made up before my grandfather died - which is sad, but that's just the way it went unfortunately.

Keep communications open, keep showing her love, but if your have your own family then concentrate on them. I don't think you're a terrible person at all. Do what makes you happy.

Hugsys
Posts 618

Marroosh
Posts 2752

The Dangerous Blonde
Posts 2144

So sorry you're going through this - love SD's description of cantankerous old folks so true! After years of a very difficult relationship with my dad, I have finally stood up to him and his demands and despite his advancing age have reminded him that as an adult he has to take responsibility for his behaviour and there are NO MORE excuses. Having tantrums, making unreasonable demands and being generally difficult and overbearing is just not on.

When he comes here to visit, I used to run myself ragged trying to please him, from calling up his hotel with a list of 20 preferences (he now has his "exact" room at the Hilton which he MUST have every single year, last year there was the exact room on the floor higher and he rejected it). We had to eat bang on 7pm, the food had to be "soft" (due to his false teeth) and he completely ignored cultural diferences here, by trying to take photos of local women in their "exotic dress" - he did not get it when I said NO, that is not allowed. His first visit, I paid for him and his family to stay a week at the Jumeirah Beach Hotel, I even paid for the night before his arrival so that he could check in straight away that morning and not wait an hour for his room. He still managed to complain about the "calibre of people" in the hotel. I always arrive with a welcome basket of fruit, fizzy water (must be a certain brand), freshly baked muffins and other things. We cannot take a road trip of more than 30 mins as he gets fidgety. All cab drivers are out to "screw him over".

Now I let him get on with it, and only make myself available when it is convenient to me. I don't get involved in his racist, bigoted rants or debates (apparently all the labourers are going to revolt and take over the city). I suggest just detaching so that you feel at peace and not constantly obligated to please someone who doesn't appreciate it. Hang in there - it is tough tho x
edited by The Dangerous Blonde on 12/07/2012

Josephinie
Posts 42

Sorry for your dilemma Go Girl. One of my favorite sayings is "you can only be responsible for your own behaviour" you can't control the way others act or feel. She is an elderly lady and possibly does not have much longer on this earth so my advice would be to go along with her for a bit longer but really limit your contact, take her cigarettes and make a few brief visits but do your own thing. Best wishes

hilsbils
Posts 1778

I feel you pain and am sorry that you are feeling confused and upset by this.
It seems that after years of pretending that everything is ok, this spat has finally brought to light all the stuff that has been simmering under the surface.

Susan Forward defined emotional blackmail as the combined feelings of : Fear, Obligation and Guilt. ... FOG which the blackmailer tries to create to make sure the other person is utterly confused and fearful to consider saying No or confront them. Do you feel any or all of these three emotions when you imagine saying No to her?

Sometimes we just have to say Yes to ourselves and in the process must say No to others.

I have similair pain around my mum who I feel was also neglectful and I have to be honest that all these years of pretense that we are a happy family, and not addressing the issues, has just been my protracted attempt to one day possibly maybe get her to suddenly be loving and show that towards me. But I realise now that that missing component can never be given to us by our parents, once we are adults, and that we must love and accept ourselves.

Dig deep - I think you already know what you want to do but are looking for the support before deciding.
edited by hilsbils on 12/07/2012

Luddite
Posts 406

You should ask her the one question that matters - "mum, do you love me?". Her answer will hopefully give you your answer...

fairwater
Posts 2044

yes i agree, maybe just give it one more go but this time explain how YOU feel. if it doesnt work out you dont need toxic people in your life, its your life and you deserve to be happy.
i know how you feel part of my childhood and even into adult hood sounds a little like yours. i cut all ties for 6 years, but then decided to give it one more, but with things on my terms and feeling stronger to actually answer back and disagree when i felt i was being bullied, its worked out alright for me, but i still feel a sense of would i chose this person as a friend if she wasnt my mother, probably no. but its better now. what ever you chose to do, do it for you. good luck.

Safiya Dafiya
Posts 147

There's a way to handle cantankerous older folks (COFs) and our own sense of obligation. Just do what makes YOU happy. Let's be blunt here, when she dies if you have cut ties will you feel guilty thinking 'I should have done this, that, the other'? If you know that is the way you'll feel, then keep up the minimal contact. You're singing to the choir here :-) When her D-Day comes you can then look yourself in the eye and know that you did your duty. That's an old fashioned way of looking at it, but there you are.
My COF strategy: Take charge and direct the path of any phone conversation you have with her. If necessary, blatantly change the subject to avoid arguments, sometimes they don't even notice. You don't want what might be your last conversation with her, to be an argument. Keep on topics that won't irritate you, TG for the weather and the garden and depending on your tolerance level, her own health or the health of other people she knows, even if you personally don't know them. Remember that in the end, this is for your peace of mind so that you won't fret about what you should or shouldn't have done/said once she's gone.
Ciggies? don't even get into that discussion, honestly, why bother, if she's 80 its too late for her to change, in many ways.
edited by Safiya Dafiya on 12/07/2012
edited by Safiya Dafiya on 12/07/2012

kittycat71
Posts 1772

No, u are not terrible for considering this. She has treated u very poorly. U must be very hurt, angry and feeling used by her. However, I don't think that just cutting her off will be helpful to u. I think u need to confront her about everything she has done and how it has made u feel during your lifetime as her daughter. U need to have closure on this and just shutting the door on your relationship with her will not give u closure. U will still agonise over your decision and still feel hurt by the way she treated u, even angry and disappointed in yourself for not having the courage to confront her. She needs to know and u need to tell her. Even if she tells u to get stuffed, u will feel better about having let it all out and she will have to reflect on her selfish behaviour. Some people are not even aware of how selfish they are and how their behaviour affects others. My mum had a difficult upbringing with her strict Victorian parents, she was able to speak to her mum about it before she died and it really helped her to come to terms with all the hurts from her childhood. Do it for yourself. If u find it difficult, maybe consider some counselling before u do it. All the best.

nixdxb
Posts 105

I have totally the opposite response: I would have cut ties loooong ago and I don't think you need to feel terrible or guilty about it. But then I would probably not regret it, whereas if you are going to always regret cutting her off then rather stick it out for the rest of her life. What a difficult situation to be in. Good luck with your decision.
Edited to add: I posted at the same time as Ayda & kittycat and they have given much better advice!
edited by nixdxb on 12/07/2012

Ayda247
Posts 369

Go Girl, you sound like a very responsible and compassionate person and cutting ties with your mum might bring regrets that will haunt you later. Take the opportunity to be honest with her about how she has made you feel - but do it for YOU - not because you expect your mum to suddenly fall down on her knees in apology - I suspect she may not!

Still you would have atleast aired your feelings and got them off your chest. If you dont feel your visit will be valued then plan something else for yourself but keep communication ties open.

Maybe try writing her a letter about how you feel..? Are you an only child? If not, do your siblings get the same treatment?

At the end of the day, if your relationship with someone produces nothing but toxicity then you should not feel 'terrible' about keeping your communication with them to an absolute minimum.

Mums are supposed to be our bestfriends and allies but sadly not all of them are - learn from your mum's mistakes and use them as lessons in your own life. Chin, up, my dear!
edited by Ayda247 on 12/07/2012

gaijind
Posts 93

so don't consider it! if it makes you this unhappy and miserable, don't cut ties. it is better you keep arguing with her, may be she'll give up smoking, but then again, she made it 80 years... so cigarettes don't matter anymore at this stage, perhaps.
May be you should open up and tell her all this. Tell her how you feel about her and how you feel she neglected you, you might be surprised that she could see things differently.

Go girl
Posts 44

My mother and I have never been close.... she always was selfish and whilst not abused I was definitely neglected as a child. As an adult I have always made excuses for her and have always treated her well, phoned / visited regularly/ provided her with holidays every year ( even when i was a student) but have to confess it has always been through sense of duty rather than affection. It has never been a 2 way street, no phone calls to me , no birthday /christmas gifts just 20 pounds in a card. ( money not important, thought would be nice)
Never argued with her, always made excuses but now I have had enough. had a minor argument wiht her for first time ever and said I might not visit this summer. then of course felt really guilty and was going to apologise and go visit as she is 80 but then heard she has told the family she isn't bothered if I am not part of her life. I know if I visit she will only care if I have brought her cigarettes or not. She has phoned me once in 20 years and that was not to ask how I was or my family but to ask me to post her cheap cigarettes. this is what caused recent argument. I am tempted to wash my hands of her and have nothing more to do with her. I feel a terrible person for considering it.