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76

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 16:40

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out. I do this my choice for MIL! (or any older person/guest for that matter). It is a matter of respect to your elders... I do that as well for my MIL. She loves me to death anyways and refers me as her daughter. Her husband also lets their 11 year old son sit in the front when he's with them and his wife in the back, because "his son is a man". That revolts me :( i feel like his wife comes last in everything Now that stinks. The son definitely should be taught to respect his mother and women in general. If my son acts snooty he will be grounded for a week! The father should also teach how to respect the mother. edited by Pixie2011 on 15/11/2011 <em>edited by Pixie2011 on 15/11/2011</em>

Domestic Goddes...

216

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 16:39

When you have kids or if you already have them, they carry your blood and the blood of the family. They cannot simply dismiss you as a nobody, edited by Pixie2011 on 14/11/2011 Oh YES, they can and many do. Especially locals, they would never consider their grandchildren half local and half swedish (or whatever the other half). They might to try, to be polite to you, but really, they don't. A lot of women have been deported etc without their children, some families are ruthless and could not care less about the wife/mother. The children will be considered Arab. GCC law regarding marrying foreigners is ridiculous. In Islam is it not forbidden to marry a foreigner. Nowhere in the Quran it says Arab has to marry Arab and so forth. Some laws indeed are very cruel. The families who throw their their blood have no honor and respect for themselves. Thank God my husband's family loves me and the children. They are from a traditional tribal family, but they also have common sense and decency to accept their own blood. edited by Pixie2011 on 15/11/2011 If you are moving to the GCC, I would learn to hold back on your thoughts on some matters especially in public.

176

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 16:37

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out. I do this my choice for MIL! (or any older person/guest for that matter). It is a matter of respect to your elders... I do that as well for my MIL. She loves me to death anyways and refers me as her daughter. Her husband also lets their 11 year old son sit in the front when he's with them and his wife in the back, because "his son is a man". That revolts me :( i feel like his wife comes last in everything

76

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 16:36

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out. I do this my choice for MIL! (or any older person/guest for that matter). It is a matter of respect to your elders... I do that as well for my MIL. She loves me to death and tells me I am like her daughter. <em>edited by Pixie2011 on 15/11/2011</em>

76

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 16:35

When you have kids or if you already have them, they carry your blood and the blood of the family. They cannot simply dismiss you as a nobody, edited by Pixie2011 on 14/11/2011 Oh YES, they can and many do. Especially locals, they would never consider their grandchildren half local and half swedish (or whatever the other half). They might to try, to be polite to you, but really, they don't. A lot of women have been deported etc without their children, some families are ruthless and could not care less about the wife/mother. The children will be considered Arab. GCC law regarding marrying foreigners is ridiculous. In Islam is it not forbidden to marry a foreigner. Nowhere in the Quran it says Arab has to marry Arab and so forth. Some laws indeed are very cruel. The families who throw their their blood have no honor and respect for themselves. Thank God my husband's family loves me and the children. They are from a traditional tribal family, but they also have common sense and decency to accept their own blood. <em>edited by Pixie2011 on 15/11/2011</em>

498

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 14:39

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out. I do this my choice for MIL! (or any older person/guest for that matter). It is a matter of respect to your elders...

116

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 12:24

I got married to someone from the same country but a different state, and first couple of years were cultural shock for me....and I am talking about same country....I have been married for seven years now, and things tend to settle down very slowly in the cross cultural marriages as the couple needs to get accustomed with a new things of a different culture,it maybe new to you for family get together on weekends, maybe he was brought up that way, where he spent every weekend at his grandma's house. If I were you I would be happy to be free from the hassle of cooking during the weekend :) Regarding prioritizing,I cant really comment on this as,I feel the same,my husband's top priority is his mom,couldnt really do much about it all these years... But,yes you do have to speak to your OH about the things that you dont like especially 'take it or leave', because if he did not realize how harsh that sounded,he should be reminded that was very HARSH, so that he doesnt repeat the phrase...

341

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 12:14

I am a westerner and so is my DH - If we travel anywhere with his Mum I always allow her to get in the front of the car - even his dad come to that .. its just respect for my elders .. I am not religious but If I were to marry into a Muslim family I would expect to become part of that family and its traditions. I know a german girl who marries into a massive local family .. her arabic is better than theirs when arguing .. and she is such an integral part of the family .. ! and i'm with IVAMP ..said don't make a friday a family day at your home .. its not the family home .. its the same for me in England .. God forbid I would get everyone round to our place - which is much bigger ..has super duper double ovens for cooking lots of things at the same time ... has proper seating instead of stools to sit on ... and a super huge table .. instead of a plastic table from the garden added on at the end for the kids !! .. but it really wouldnt be Sunday Lunch without those soggy carrots ! and the yorkshire puddings coming out after everyones finished Lunch .. I also have an inclination to think that there is other stuff going on at home and your bringing the family into the situation ? Suck up to your MIL - she will be your greatest allay in the years to come x <em>edited by bbcb on 15/11/2011</em>

645

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EW GURU

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 12:04

When you have kids or if you already have them, they carry your blood and the blood of the family. They cannot simply dismiss you as a nobody, edited by Pixie2011 on 14/11/2011 Oh YES, they can and many do. Especially locals, they would never consider their grandchildren half local and half swedish (or whatever the other half). They might to try, to be polite to you, but really, they don't. A lot of women have been deported etc without their children, some families are ruthless and could not care less about the wife/mother. The children will be considered Arab.

45

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 12:00

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out. I'm not muslim. My ex MIL is not muslim but I was always selecting back seat out of respect. kiwispiers replied : [color=#6600CC'>Don't cloud the issue by bringing his family into your arguments, figure out what behaviour around the house is bugging you and demand he respect you. (cook dinner at a proper time and if he doesn't eat it, let it go cold).[/color'> It won't be cold dinner. It will be cold war!!! fragile peace is always better than any war battles...

645

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:53

Yes, the 'if you don't like it then leave' is a tad annoying. It also tells me that there are some things that your DH forgot to discuss with you before marriage, and now he has to 'suck it up'. He should have made it clear to you that his parents will always rank higher than you. This is a fact. Plain and simple. It won't always be this way, but will take a long time to change. Don't bother inviting them for Friday lunch. That is the 'family' house and I am sure that everyone is expected to be there, so they most definitely cannot leave. You need to find out what he would like you to do to help the situation and then you need to ask him if he is interested in helping you. Perhaps you can have a secret signal between you when at the 'family' house, just a reassuring sign, that he understands you. ETA: don't forget to learn how to cook his fave dishes, and one day he will prefer your cooking.... <em>edited by IAMVP on 15/11/2011</em>

176

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:37

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out. On a light note and not wanting to detract from the OPs issue, this made me think back to when I first was dating my OH - now (Welsh) DH - he made me sit in the back so the dog could have the front seat - long time ago and he never dared do it again :D ROFL! That's hilarious! :D

176

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:36

It could be worse. You could be living in the family home instead of independently :\: [i'>Posted by the woman whose Turkish Muslim husband moved his mum in without a second thought 10 years ago. [/i'>:( LOL! Is she still there?

kiwispiers15400

2782

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:34

It seems to me the problem is not what is going on in your husband's mothers house, or his relationship with his parents, he is treating them with love and respect, as he should. The problem, quite clearly is what is going on in your house and that he is not treating YOU with respect. Don't cloud the issue by bringing his family into your arguments, figure out what behaviour around the house is bugging you and demand he respect you. (cook dinner at a proper time and if he doesn't eat it, let it go cold). My husband also LOVES his parents, and he is Western. When we stay at his mothers house he makes his bed, wipes the bathroom floor, puts his dirty dishes straight into the dishwasher and smiles and nods when they say things completely contrary to our beliefs, complete contrast to at home. I will admit I feel jealous of his mother for managing to command more respect than me, but now that I have a son myself I kind-of get it a bit more, and also, I have come to understand that she is lovely and what I really want is for him to treat me the same way, not for him to treat her poorly. Then again, she spoils him much more than I do, perhaps I need to watch and learn, from the "expert".

2171

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:33

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out. On a light note and not wanting to detract from the OPs issue, this made me think back to when I first was dating my OH - now (Welsh) DH - he made me sit in the back so the dog could have the front seat - long time ago and he never dared do it again :D

1579

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:30

It could be worse. You could be living in the family home instead of independently :\: [i'>Posted by the woman whose Turkish Muslim husband moved his mum in without a second thought 10 years ago. [/i'>:(

176

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:27

If your husband is a muslim, he is obligated to devote himself to his parents whether he is married or not. I know it can be a bit overpowering, but i've heard of much worse! (my friend's husband makes her sit in the back of the car and his mother sits beside him in the front :\: ) Hope it all works out.

Pomegranate35436

867

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:05

From my experience, it will be just a waste of time and effort. Just do like all arab ladies of the families. Go with the flow (lead by the men of the family) and keep your thoughts for yourself. So i should give up myself to live in peace? IMO thats not the way i would be happy for the rest of my life, even when i love my husband. I'm married with an Arab and our key was/is - communication. My MIL hates me, even after years of marriage but the rest of the family adores me. Even I'm not moslem, [b'>I dont act like an arab lady - I[b'>'m still what I'm[/b'>. [/b'> Pixie mentioned that she learn to undersand the culture/tradition. I did the same when i move to the middle east (not because of my husband). My friends teached me what i right or wrong and i adapt myself in the new enviroment and it worked out very well. Otherwise my husband wouldn't marry me. Your post is the best advice! I don't know why some (non-arab) ladies who married Arabs try to turn themselves into Arab women........and not to do with just religion.....why can't they just be themselves, be true to who they actually are? Surely this is what attracted their husbands in the first place! If you feel the need to reinvent yourself, then something must be wrong!

Pomegranate35436

867

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 11:00

If your husband has told you 'if you don't like it then leave'....sorry but I find that really rude and disrespectful to you as his wife. You have an issue between you as a couple and he is obviously not willing to discuss it, doesn't seem to give two hoots about your feelings. Not good IMO. If you want to 'fall in behind' and do what THEY want, then so be it. But your husband chose to marry outside his culture then he needs to also think of his marriage outside his culture. If his current stance doesn't suit you, then rather than taking the option of sucking it up as suggested, then you have to consider your next step and if it means thinking of separating then so be it. Life is short. I know of a couple of women who have 'sucked it up' and are totally totally miserable every second of the day. The life they lead had eaten away at them and there is permanent resentment and hate in loads of direction. Don't fall into this trap.

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 10:20

From my experience, it will be just a waste of time and effort. Just do like all arab ladies of the families. Go with the flow (lead by the men of the family) and keep your thoughts for yourself. So i should give up myself to live in peace? IMO thats not the way i would be happy for the rest of my life, even when i love my husband. I'm married with an Arab and our key was/is - communication. My MIL hates me, even after years of marriage but the rest of the family adores me. Even I'm not moslem, I dont act like an arab lady - I'm still what I'm. Pixie mentioned that she learn to undersand the culture/tradition. I did the same when i move to the middle east (not because of my husband). My friends teached me what i right or wrong and i adapt myself in the new enviroment and it worked out very well. Otherwise my husband wouldn't marry me.

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 November 2011 - 09:45

What I am about to say may not sound nice but it is only true. This is the way things will always be,you have married into an arab family and they live by their traditions. The sooner you accept this and look at it from a positive perspective, the sooner you will be at peace. Totally agree. He will never change... you and only YOU, will need to accept and adjust yourself. You can tell him how you feel but do not expect him to change his habbits. From my experience, it will be just a waste of time and effort. Just do like all arab ladies of the families. Go with the flow (lead by the men of the family) and keep your thoughts for yourself.

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 23:21

I also think the husband has to explain traditions better with more details. During my first years here my husband, my mother in law and sisters in law practically coached me as far as what I should do and how I should do it. After a while I was able to do it all by myself. It sounds kind of funny, but when you are in a completely different culture, you become like a baby who is learning how to walk Of course there must be a red line too. It is true, traditions and family must be respected, however, they have to respect you as a wife of their son/brother/uncle, whatever... The husband also has to explain that you are trying (and indeed you are trying) and the family should welcome you as one of them. When you have kids or if you already have them, they carry your blood and the blood of the family. They cannot simply dismiss you as a nobody, while you can't dismiss them. It is all about understanding and compromise. I am speaking from experience, because my husband's family is very, very traditional and large, who never marry foreigners. In order to navigate smoothly I have to be diplomatic and understanding. So far my mother in law truly loves me and so do his sisters. I think if you get mother in law on your side, the rest is not a problem. <em>edited by Pixie2011 on 14/11/2011</em>

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 23:07

What I am about to say may not sound nice but it is only true. This is the way things will always be,you have married into an arab family and they live by their traditions. The sooner you accept this and look at it from a positive perspective, the sooner you will be at peace.

76

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 22:59

Flip your thoughts from misery to happy... your kids will grow up tolearn from their dad, to love their parents (you), to respect them (you), to be there for them when they need them (you), to be around not just disappear when they hit 18 (you again).... your husband is a good man.. he loves his family.. and your point is he loves his family and he loves you.. so let it, let him share the love with everyone.. just start being accepting, b/c like he said and any other arab man would tell u.. u dont like it, u leave... thats how it works... Another thing is that if the family is large you will always find a family member or even several that will never like you no matter how nice you are to them. Those are the people who are not worth time and attention. I think as long as there is a good relationship with husband's immediate family members (mom, dad, sister, etc...), then you should be OK. <em>edited by Pixie2011 on 14/11/2011</em>

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 22:41

sigh... there a one thing which was not covered in previous replies. the problem is cultural difference which men are using. what i mean - when arab man will marry arab woman he MUST behaive in appropriate way otherwise ALLLLLLL her family members will start making his life difficult. in your case you are alone. by alone i mean NO PROTECTION FROM CULTURE & TRADITIONS. this is very sad. i would suggest you asking him once if he is acting this way because there is nobody behind you... as for "routine" better to call it traditions of the family. you are right - you need to create them. in this case i would ask MIL's help to create such traditions for your young family. my advice - 'fight' (sorry for using too strong word) him with his own weapons! you should make your MIL be on your side. be your real MOTHER-in-law. as for feeling sad or annoyed by smth. try to speak with RIL exaggerating your sad feelings. e.g. 'oh, i'm ready to burst into tears when saying smth uncorrectly in arabic...' but don't feel it inside. this is like a game;). though keep in mind that games should be played from time to time only))) and one more thing. sad unfortunately. in ALLLLLL cultures men's behaviour before marriage and after marrige can significantly change... I'm with Barbara Green on this one. Play into his stung family loyalties and ask your Mother in law for help in creating strong family bonds. Tell her you admire the job she did raising a son who values his mothers home so much and you want to make sure you start traditions now so that your future children will value you as much. Play up the fact that you respect her traditions and want to start similar ones in your house to keep the Family values strong. I understand that going over there every week for a meal may be a pain now, but think of it as putting money in the bank, and some day when you are older you will get to reap the rewards when your children bring their wives over for meals; Or you could be the magnanimous one and let them off the hook because you'll know how much they probably hate it, but that's up to Future-you to decide.

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 22:04

Flip your thoughts from misery to happy... your kids will grow up tolearn from their dad, to love their parents (you), to respect them (you), to be there for them when they need them (you), to be around not just disappear when they hit 18 (you again).... your husband is a good man.. he loves his family.. and your point is he loves his family and he loves you.. so let it, let him share the love with everyone.. just start being accepting, b/c like he said and any other arab man would tell u.. u dont like it, u leave... thats how it works...

76

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 19:27

I agree with people here. Cultural differences have to be taken into account. Also, maybe it is not your case, but some cases they do not approve of foreigners to be in the family. Although my mother in law and sisters accepted me, other family members were quite angry that my husband did not marry a local girl and it reflects in their behavior. I think you should also have your own "household order" so to speak (as other posters said). I think you should try to invite them and see how they act with you then.

498

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 18:26

Not sure of this is done in Arab culture, but why don;t YOU invite them for a Friday meal? As another poster said, you have to start creating your own traditions.... I am in an interracial, intercultural marriage so i too had mu share of differences. My DH is very attached to MIL, but I think it is a wonderful trait for a man to take such good care of his mother. The first years are tough because you kind of have to sit back and bit your tongue. But I soon found my courage, and own way of creating my space. Communication is key - don't let it all build up because soon tiny things will become massive things and one day you will explode and everyone will look at you and wonder why.... this happened to me and took me a long time to get over. So now, I talk. I am very careful about how I say things, but you have a say nonetheless. You will have children soon, and then you will become this pivotal role in your own family. Your DH may start changing things up then too. Invite the inlaws and see what happens??? On the other hand, enjoy those meals without cooking etc. Embrace the time with his family and try and relax. I think that you would be very happy if your son, in 20 years time, brought around his girlfriend or wife to the family's 'HOME'. ABove all, please don't dwell on anything...it creates paranoia, and unhappiness. Take a step back and see if it is as bad as you think? If is is, then think carefully how you need to act - slowly and cautiously...

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 17:20

sigh... there a one thing which was not covered in previous replies. the problem is cultural difference which men are using. what i mean - when arab man will marry arab woman he MUST behaive in appropriate way otherwise ALLLLLLL her family members will start making his life difficult. in your case you are alone. by alone i mean NO PROTECTION FROM CULTURE & TRADITIONS. this is very sad. i would suggest you asking him once if he is acting this way because there is nobody behind you... as for "routine" better to call it traditions of the family. you are right - you need to create them. in this case i would ask MIL's help to create such traditions for your young family. my advice - 'fight' (sorry for using too strong word) him with his own weapons! you should make your MIL be on your side. be your real MOTHER-in-law. as for feeling sad or annoyed by smth. try to speak with RIL exaggerating your sad feelings. e.g. 'oh, i'm ready to burst into tears when saying smth uncorrectly in arabic...' but don't feel it inside. this is like a game;). though keep in mind that games should be played from time to time only))) and one more thing. sad unfortunately. in ALLLLLL cultures men's behaviour before marriage and after marrige can significantly change...

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 November 2011 - 17:14

i agree with IAMVP, you cant say anything against the family or it will further agrevaite teh issue and become a they vs you issue. I would work on your relationship with him, and try and get him to spend more time with you as a family, and then,when you do spend the time with his family, put on your smiley face, be the bigger person and he will come to realise like IAMVP said, that they are moaning etc and you arent and slowly slowly he will come over to your side and ' your home' etc. Married life isnt easy, it has to be worked at, and men will always be connected to their moms, so patience my dear, your hubbie loves you, without question. just dont get into a silly they said, i said thing with his parents, it wont end well. Chin up xxxx

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