Lost, cant think need advice | ExpatWoman.com
 

Lost, cant think need advice

711
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EW GURU
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 16:07
What a frustrating position to be put in. One thing I want to mention is that even though the house may only be in your husband's name, he will still need your signature to actually sell the house (at least this is true in America). Because you are married, you have dower rights to the property and you must release these rights thru signature for the deed to be a clean transfer.. I know this is not your point of conflict as yet, and I hope you find a way to resolve your issues.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 14:55
Agree with others that you need much more information before you allow your feelings to be manipulated. On the surface it seems hurtful but I reckon your DH did it for his own reasons which seemed important to him at the time (not saying he is not wrong, just that for him selling the house seemed the lesser evil). That he is defensive means he feels conflicted. In my vast experience with Inlaws, I have learned that in order to get DH on your side, the number one rule is never ever run or put his Mother down or criticise her. The more you attack her, the more he will feel he has to defend her, the same way you would if he criticized your Mom. There are ways of helping him see reason without running her down. Using this formula is how I gained my DHs respect and eventually reconciled (work still in progress) with the most unaccepting volatile set of relatives, who in the end are mine as well.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 13:46
any decision in a marriage will effect both parties if good or bad, so there should be discussion in every small and big issues. I hate when my DH takes a decision by himself about something he wants to do with out informing me earlier because i would not do that with him. AusJor god help you dont let things pass over you, keep talking about it with your DH but think twice before dont make him angry. this needs to be a quite talk.. you should try to feel with him maybe he is forced to do that because of his mom and then start conversation. maybe that will resolve in a better discussion. my in laws are very nice people i love them so much, they always expected from me and my DH only love and care. but unfortunately my parents having been expecting me and my DH to be money supporters so many problems have been going on until i have stepped it up and made some boarder lines.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 12:51
Thanks hilsbils and all. Its out of character and def my DH is under pressure to have considered doing this. Im just surprised as we always talk about things big or small!The last year has been very difficult as he travels alot he comes to dubai once every for weeks for 4 weeks and then back home. MIL trouble has worsen after I had my first baby3 years ago and had another one and quit work before coming to Dubai. She always criticies me for hving a full timelive in maid and living in a big house etc etc she says my duaghter had 6 children and she is a hard working mother she doesnt need a maid!!! She said in her last visit that she would love to move to dubai to be close to her duaghter in UK but didnt think tht she was serious... now of course we will have to pay for rent in dubai I think your MIL wants to live WITH you,not seperately. Maybe you can bribe a immigration officer not to grant her a resident visa? Lol!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 12:39
All property ownership should be in the name of both the husband and wife, this goes for all investments-shares, property, bonds, whatever it is. I would be so angry and frustrated if I was in your situation, sending you loads of positive energy! ;o)
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 09:33
Yes, he is a real mummy's boy. She didnt want us to get married you see and Ive never had her blessing, and I do feel she is very manipulative. She has isolated herself (no friends, hubby dead, and no other children) and so the emotional load on Dh is huge. Daily calls with tears about how he has abandoned her (he wont move back to his home country) He feels enormous guilt for her self imposed suffering and so she milks it. When we met I was the breadwinner earning a lot more than Dh and she tolerated me but since I quit she has kicked this into overdrive. Its hard for Dh and I to talk around the topic without fighting and may be our biggest issue. That sounds like a really difficult situation for you Hilsbils, and unfortunately common in some cultures. I have seen this many times before, and my parents, as much as I love them, are great at playing this game. I lived with it for years and it was so emotionally draining, until one day when I realised that as long as I carry this guilt with me, I will never be truly happy. I finally gathered the courage to set boundaries, and I hope that your DH will one day do the same. Stay strong x ETA: Hilsbils has your DH considered counselling? I did, and it was a very defining moment for me when I realised how incredulous the situation was from another point of view. <em>edited by SeaofLove on 29/07/2012</em>
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 09:29
Yes, he is a real mummy's boy. She didnt want us to get married you see and Ive never had her blessing, and I do feel she is very manipulative. She has isolated herself (no friends, hubby dead, and no other children) and so the emotional load on Dh is huge. Daily calls with tears about how he has abandoned her (he wont move back to his home country) He feels enormous guilt for her self imposed suffering and so she milks it. When we met I was the breadwinner earning a lot more than Dh and she tolerated me but since I quit she has kicked this into overdrive. Its hard for Dh and I to talk around the topic without fighting and may be our biggest issue. We have exactly the same issue only DH see's what his mother is doing and has dramatically distanced from her. Hes fed up of her manipulation.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 09:20
Yes, he is a real mummy's boy. She didnt want us to get married you see and Ive never had her blessing, and I do feel she is very manipulative. She has isolated herself (no friends, hubby dead, and no other children) and so the emotional load on Dh is huge. Daily calls with tears about how he has abandoned her (he wont move back to his home country) He feels enormous guilt for her self imposed suffering and so she milks it. When we met I was the breadwinner earning a lot more than Dh and she tolerated me but since I quit she has kicked this into overdrive. Its hard for Dh and I to talk around the topic without fighting and may be our biggest issue.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 09:17
Hilsbils, that is shocking.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 09:02
I feel your pain. My Mil pulls all the strings with my Dh and he tries to compartmentalise that relationship from our, but a lot of what they agree affects us. I am not working officially at the moment whilst retraining and setting up own business which is taking ages to do, and she demands cash for a lot of luxury items. She has been on two expensive cruises this year which costs us a large chunk of our salary and Dh is non-negotiable on it. And every time he may mention to her that we are being prudent, she spits out "well why doesnt Hilsbils get a job then?" As long as I dont contribute she feels I have no say in Dh's financial affairs. She is a total leech. In your case, its the lack of transparency. And I agree with Appeltiser that defensiveness from him is a sure sign of him hiding something from you, or feeling a bit guilty for knowing its wrong. The future of our parents and inlaws is a big deal in any relationship
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 08:57
Sounds like you need to have a frank discussion with your DH, this might be warning signs for more trouble down the road. I think that when you're in a relationship, married or not, big decisions should always be made together, regardless of who owns what as it affects the both of you. It probably depends on the person, but I would be very concerned if my DH did this without consulting me as it means he doesn't care about my views.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 08:43
I would be furious. Is the house in both your names, or just your husband's?
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 01:20
You feel betrayed and rightly so. You are married and selling real estate should be discussed by both of you before it is done. There seems to be more to this since your DH is acting defensive. Best to talk to him face to face as the truth will not come out over the telephone. MIL should mind her own business imo. Thanks Appletiser! DH has been telling me for the last a few months that his mother is getting old and he feels bad for not being able to look after her etc etc... when I asked where will she live if the house is sold she said between Dubai and UK... what the!!! Im the last one to know If he's trying to present you with a fait accompli, you are right to be furious. Only you know how much you expect him to communicate with you and take important joint decisions for your marriage. My husband knew fine well I resented his mother leeching money from us, though he knew I wouldn't have wanted her to starve, it was just she took money we didn't have from us as if by right, but he would never have tried to impose her coming to live with us without discussing the situation with me. If he had done, he knew what would have happened (I'd have left and screwed him for everything he had). But maybe the dynamics of your marriage are different.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 29 July 2012 - 00:31
You feel betrayed and rightly so. You are married and selling real estate should be discussed by both of you before it is done. There seems to be more to this since your DH is acting defensive. Best to talk to him face to face as the truth will not come out over the telephone. MIL should mind her own business imo.
 
 

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