How can I help my God daughter | ExpatWoman.com
 

How can I help my God daughter

1236
Posts
EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 25 November 2013 - 13:39

My beautiful best friend died in July 2012 from Motor Neurone disease. She was 56. She was diagnosed in January 2009 (just before we left Qatar for home). Her DH and adult children were devastated by her illness as you can imagine and their daughter, my God daughter and her younger brother are struggling to come to terms with losing their mum. In August of this year. her DH started to see another lady who lives in our village. She is a divorcee and has an 11 year old DD. He was worried about our reaction but to be honest, we are pleased that he has met someone. He was concerned that we, and others thought it might be too soon. We have met this lady and she is lovely and our friend is happy. My BF is buried in our local cemetery and they both visit her grave regularly and she is very sensitive to the feelings of the family. She knew my BF too. Long story, sorry! My God daughter is very annoyed with her dad and feels very threatened. She hates the fact that this lady is often in what is the family home and occasionally stays overnight. I must stress that my God daughter is a lovely young woman (29) and doesn't have a nasty bone in her body. I think that she accepts the fact that her dad was eventually going to meet someone but can't believe that her dad "has forgotten about her mum already" I'm meeting with her for coffee later this week. Your thoughts ladies? Anyone been in this situation?
<em>edited by JoyceB on 25/11/2013</em>

1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 27 November 2013 - 14:15
Good news! Our friend came for dinner last night and the Saturday meal out went very well. Our friend's DS was a slightly standoffish initially but after a couple of beers, relaxed and they had a pleasant albeit slightly tense chat. My God daughter was fine and apparently her dad's lady friend (I'll call her Jane!) gave her a hug!! Our friend held his breath thinking that his DD might not appreciate the gesture but she returned the hug and shed a few tears. Jane, who is a practice nurse, spent ages chatting to her and told her that she could never ever step into her beautiful mum's shoes and thanked her for agreeing to meet her as she understood her reluctance and disapproval. It is my GD's birthday on Sunday and we are all going out for dinner along with her partner's parents and her brother's partner and her parents. She has also invited "Jane" and her DD!! We're still having a coffee in the afternoon so I'll hear her views then! <em>edited by JoyceB on 27/11/2013</em>
1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 26 November 2013 - 02:45
Thanks again ladies. Our friend is coming to us for dinner tomorrow evening (as he has been doing since my BF died) I know that he was having dinner with both of his children on Saturday night without the new lady friend so will found out how that went! He also spends a huge amount of time at her house and stays lots of nights. I'll let you know how things go and thanks again. x
1601
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 26 November 2013 - 02:07
My heart just goes out to the family,my paternal step grandmother married my grandad only two years after my grandmother died. She was a wonderful lady and the only gran I knew but I am sure if my grandad had of waited 10 years my aunt still would never been able to accept the marriage.A whole other story !!! Would like to add that it may be a good idea for dad to be a little 'discreet' about the over night stays, maybe let the family get to know the lady and not be seen to be moving the new family in that quickly. They sound like wonderful children and in time I am sure they see this lady is not a replacement for mom but a new chapter in dad's life. They are so fortunate to have a really good listener in you:)
199
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 25 November 2013 - 20:23
I have a very good friend who has become 'the new woman' for a man whose wife died a couple of years ago. The wife had been a colleague and a friend. My friend was acutely aware that people might presume that it was too soon, and even that some would think that there had been 'something going on before his wife died'. She insisted that they take things very slowly, as she did not want to become a substitute. Maybe your God daughter feels that things have progressed a little too quickly here. Anyhow, I think that you could point out that life is short, and that no-one knows what is around the corner. Also, that her father is doing nothing wrong, since his wife has already died. Who knows, they might have agreed between themselves that he should actively try to find someone to share his life and help him to be happy. Encourage her to actively get to know this woman as much as possible. She will then be able to see why her father is so attracted to her, and she will be able to share in their happiness. No-one needs to forget her mother, and she can be referred to in conversation without anyone feeling awkward. Good luck, and let us knowhow it goes.
1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 25 November 2013 - 18:03
Thanks ladies. I am a former palliative care nurse so am well used to dealing with grief. Dad and daughter are also very close and they have had many long chats about many things, including this new relationship. Our friend is certainly the type of man who just can't be alone and at the risk of putting it crudely, needs to be with a woman. He told us about one conversation when she sobbed for hours about missing her mum and "would this woman's 11 year old DD take my place as his little girl"!! Dad and daughter meet every week and do indeed have lunch, dinner etc. She is just hurting and having to deal with the thought of her dad "doing that stuff" and, in her eyes, betraying her beloved mum. Poor lass, she has lost so much of her sparkle and her brother isn't really any better. I just wondered who had gone through this and if so, what helped them to accept things. Wish me luck for Sunday!
761
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EW GURU
Latest post on 25 November 2013 - 16:07
I think Deb raises good points and I'd also like to add something which I hope doesn't sound flip, but…. Some men are just not very good at being alone. My FIL for example is still fairly "lost" after his third wife died a few years ago. I don't think he's ever actually been on his own so this is quite new for him. I think if someone was to come into his life he would definitely welcome that person. I think you, Joyce, could explain this fact tactfully to a younger lady with less life experience. Perhaps the daughter could have a regular type of "date night" with her dad where they go to the movies, dinner, coffee, tennis, anything, just the two of them. Re-connect? Give her (the daughter) a chance to reminisce without the new lady on the scene? (PS it's very nice that you care enough about her to think about this in advance).
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 25 November 2013 - 15:49
My family experienced something similar. My grandmother passed away and then my grandfather remarried much to the dismay of his five grown daughters. I on the other hand had a different perspective and was happy that my Grandfather had someone to keep him company so that he wouldn't be lonely. I didn't feel in any way that it meant he had forgotten about my grandmother. How could it have? He'd been married to her for more than 50 years. I would actually suggest that your god daughter sit down with her dad one-on-one to tell him how she feels, but also to listen to what he has to say. She might be surprised at what she learn. I would also try to help her understand that just because her father is in a new relationship it doesn't replace what he had with her mother. Love comes in all sorts of different forms and we never love two different people in the same way. Maybe part of the awkwardness comes from not knowing if it's okay for her to talk about her mother in front of her father's new significant other. Grief can be a difficult thing and when you feel as though you're no longer allowed to talk about shared memories out the fear of hurting someone else's feelings it can be difficult.