How does your DH cope when you are not here...

I really have never understood why women feel the need to be so judgmental towards other women. Who cares what other people do? I've been judged in RL (and on here) for working - quite frankly I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. People do what's right for their own family after having discussed it and made the decision with the important people in their lives, based on their own situations. I don't think anyone needs the pre-approval of anyone outside of that network. Work, Stay at Home, Have a Maid, Don't have a Maid, make your DH frozen meals, leave him to fend for himself, iron his shirts, don't iron his shirts - you really shouldn't have to justify or explain yourself to anyone apart from your own immediate family! Who even has the time to think about other people's lives and judge them for what is a tiny snapshot of their overall situation? Live and let live.

I love your posts kiwispiers ? likewise, you must be on breastfeeding Q&A right? I am trying to figure out who you are ..cyber stalk! Am going to miss your posts when I hit the big 3 triple O.... I've "met" some lovely people through EW. There's still time to change your mind about the big 3 triple 0! I'm not on breast feeding Q&A, have been meaning to join for ages but never gotten around to it. If you do depart from here I might actually join so I can cyber stalk you ;)

I love your posts kiwispiers ? likewise, you must be on breastfeeding Q&A right? I am trying to figure out who you are ..cyber stalk! Am going to miss your posts when I hit the big 3 triple O.... I've "met" some lovely people through EW.

I love your posts kiwispiers ?

Crashing Waves, [i'>"As for TDB, anything she says or does right now is moot, she is about to have a baby"[/i'>? Pregnant women are not idiots, not to start a whole new crusade ;), but it actually annoys me when people make comments about irrational/dopey pregnant women, I think it is quite patronising. TDB is an intelligent woman and the fact that I have respect for her opinions is exactly why I took the time to respond to her, there are other posters on this forum whose opinions are of less value to me and they would bother me less. Desert Rose, a forum is about dialogue, if people say something that you feel is not correct, or seem to misunderstand something, or make a critical statement, especially a derogatory or judgemental one, then it is only natural that others will correct, or explain or defend, hopefully in a civilised manner. Yes you could easily argue that on-line debate is a time-waster, and certainly if it upsetting you or interfering with your "real life" then walk away I agree. Dialogue however does change minds and women have more freedom in their lives when they don't feel looked down on by society for the choices they make however big or small, and to stay at home or not is actually quite a big choice. The feminist in me would like all women to have that freedom and not feel judged as lazy, less intelligent, spoiled, servile or a heartless "bad mother" as a result. Flydiver, your comment makes me think of those viral facebook blogshares "what not to say to a.." There is one titled "what not to say to a working mum", I actually quite like those posts as there are a lot of comments people make without thought and it is good to be more aware of how they can actually come across as critical or be hurtful. I actually really like when a simple question becomes a debate on a larger issue(s), it means people are thinking. I don't think I would bother coming here if it was just a Q&A.

I think if a working mum can be needled by comments from a stay at home mum, and a stay at home mum can be needled by comments from a working mum, then perhaps they are not as comfy with the choices they have made as they would like to think. Does it really matter what people think of your role in life, and the misconception that perhaps surround it? I think not. Just get on with getting on, life really is too short to be so offended by so little so often. It's nothing to do with being comfortable with your choices and everything to do with it being annoying when people pass judgement when they don't have a clue. Prior to children, I worked for a large media company in London. I loved working there, got well looked after by the company was completely happy with my choice to work there. However, it still annoyed me when I got narky comments from people when they found out where I worked. I once got asked how it felt to work for Satan and to be honest I felt like slapping the person. I was loyal to my job then as I'm loyal to my job now and part of that loyalty is defending my job if it gets a kicking.

I didn't add to the conversation before as the only thing that springs to mind about DH 'coping' with, or not, is his empty bed. Otherwise it is life as normal, except he does not need to feel so guilty for working late hours. The rest of the debate on working/SAHM and freezing casserole leftovers (seriously?) is like sooo alien to me. I cannot believe it is being discussed. As for TDB, anything she says or does right now is moot, she is about to have a baby.

I think if a working mum can be needled by comments from a stay at home mum, and a stay at home mum can be needled by comments from a working mum, then perhaps they are not as comfy with the choices they have made as they would like to think. Does it really matter what people think of your role in life, and the misconception that perhaps surround it? I think not. Just get on with getting on, life really is too short to be so offended by so little so often.

When DD & myself have gone away before DH copes perfectly well! He won't cook for himself as it's one of those jobs he detests, like me & ironing so he'll tootle off out and eat, usually at the pub down the road or with a mate. Whatever he does though he does enjoy a little time on his own. Before we gained our maid he did the majority of things around the house anyway so me going away would never make a huge difference apart from the meals. Also, in our opinion, staying at home and looking after the family, keeping the house clean, shopping, ironing, gardening all whilst looking after the kids and possibly their friends sometimes is far more stressful than going to work :) DH experienced a morning with our 4.5 DD and her best friend during the easter break and his face when I returned was a picture!!!! He wiped his brow, picked up his golf clubs and left the building :) We're trained at work to cope with stresses and strains but nobody trained us on this! It's challenging but too rewarding to moan about.

It would see husbands left alone is not a unique problem to the UAE... :-) http://themetapicture.com/your-wife-loves-you-when-you-get-home-and-see-this/

I think being a SAHM or a working mum, both have elements of luxury and sacrifice. I travel for work and get a lot of comments like "how can I leave my child and or husband?". I never really understand why people have to comment on other peoples choices, however it's their opinion and they are entitled to it. We all make our decisions and do our best in which ever path we choose. Both my mother and grandmother always told me what a luxury it was to stay at home and raise children. I am still in awe of how well they ran a family and took pride in what they did, especially without all our modern conveniences. I still admire my friends that do it today. Domestication is not my forte. Luckily for my DH and the OP, Dubai is an easy place to get your cleaning done or your food delivered. I dont think there is anything wrong with helping your partner out if you have time to organise it. Companies like slice and dice will provide ingredients if they want to cook, or there is Casserole for homemade dinners, and countless frozen meals, tins of soup and take aways. Also there are loads of companies like Kcal, so they can enjoy the extra calories out with friends on the weekend ;) (PS to be honest after watching marriages in Dubai for nearly two decades, I think how your husband copes without you in the kitchen or the laundry could sometimes be the least of your married worries after a summer away..... Just sayin)

TDB, I just want to say that although I don't know you, based on your posts I really like you, I appreciate your humour and your honestly and most of the time I agree with your point of view. I don't think you fully appreciate that your comments on this one have actually been quite offensive. Being called on that isn't bitchy, if we were friends and out for coffee I'd happily say the same things to your face. I'm not sure that you get that being a SAHM isn't a luxury, it isn't about being so wealthy that you have no need to work or choosing an easy option. It is about staying at home with your children being so important to you that you sacrifice other things in order to do so. There are families who couldn't survive without two incomes, but honestly, for most of the women posting on this thread, and most people in the western world where a welfare system exists, staying at home or working IS actually a choice, yep you might have to forgo a LOT of things if you don't work, but most people will not starve. My husband doesn't earn more than my working friends' husbands. For us, me staying home has meant we don't own our own home, and are not likely to any time soon. We haven't paid off our student loans which puts us over $100,000 NZD in debt. We save very little and we moved to the other side of the world otherwise we wouldn't save anything at all, it was the only reason we left NZ and once the kids are old enough for me to work we will head back home. We will not be sending our kids to private schools, we will not live in a fancy house, ever. We don't travel. Prior to having kids I built a successful business from the ground, I put my heart into that, enjoyed it so much and felt really proud of what I had achieved but I let it go because I felt this was more important. I will have to start from scratch by the time I return to work. The things I choose to do in a day are based around what I feel will benefit my children, they are my job, that is the biggest responsibility I have ever undertaken. Yes I have a lovely time with them, I had plenty of fun in my workplaces too, that doesn't mean it isn't work. None of this is a judgement of your choice to work outside the home, it is purely a critique of the view you have expressed towards those who choose not to . This is obviously how you feel about staying at home, you don't feel it is a priority for you which is fine, you don't feel like you have a right to a family income and want to earn your own money, again totally fine. Probably it will mean there are material goals you will be able to reach that would otherwise be unobtainable. I'm not criticising your choices and I know you don't think you are criticising mine, however every time you start a sentence with "SAHM's work hard and then add a "but" or use the word "luxury" to describe a sacrifice, then honestly, you ARE being critical and obviously women are going to defend themselves. Please don't let it put you off EW, but also, don't write all our comments off as "claws out" attacks, I think most people have actually been quite polite, I hope you can maybe sit back and think about this one, maybe you might change your views a little? edited to add, I haven't gone into any of the reasons WHY staying at home with my kids is such a priority to me, I don't think that is important in this conversation. There are plenty of valid reasons why you might prioritise a second income instead, I get that. I just want you to understand that it is a choice either way and families that survive on one income make a lot of sacrifices in order to manage something that they feel is important, it is not about luxury or laziness. edited by kiwispiers on 21/04/2014 <em>edited by kiwispiers on 21/04/2014</em>

It's the cost of child-care that's the killer - especially for unexpected illnesses and holidays...

I agree with this, but out of curiosity, how much of a working Mum's salary goes on a maid, childcare, etc and any other extras needed for her to stay at home? It would vary person to person, but for us about 30% of my monthly salary goes towards things needed so I can be a working mom and costs that wouldn't exist if I was a SAHM i.e. full-time hours for DD's nursery, part-time maid from agency, and Salik of DD's nursery commute everyday! so financially it still works out to be worth it for me to work (alhamdulilah!) Thanks, as I say, just curious, as majority of the working Mums on here say how expensive it is just to go back to work.

I agree with this, but out of curiosity, how much of a working Mum's salary goes on a maid, childcare, etc and any other extras needed for her to stay at home? It would vary person to person, but for us about 30% of my monthly salary goes towards things needed so I can be a working mom and costs that wouldn't exist if I was a SAHM i.e. full-time hours for DD's nursery, part-time maid from agency, and Salik of DD's nursery commute everyday! so financially it still works out to be worth it for me to work (alhamdulilah!)

Its a hard life either way for working and SAHM, shall we all have a cyber group hug now..... Yes, don't know about OP's DH but we aren't coping very well are we?

Its a hard life either way for working and SAHM, shall we all have a cyber group hug now.....

Wow ladies, let's stop attacking each other and not picking on sentences from each other's posts - If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all! I dont think TDB meant insult SAHM's at all and I didnt see it that way, but it is a sensitive topic for some women who feel SAHMs are looked down on. I was a SAHM for DD's first year, and been a working mum for all of DD's second year, and I'm leaving my job now as soon as she turns 2, and I can see both sides of the coin. As a mum: SAHM pros: lots of time with LO, bonding, not missing anything SAHM cons: lots of time with LO (haha just kidding) but it can get tiring when you want a break! Working mom pros: You can take a break (usually) more often in the day so when you do see LO you are more relaxed and enjoy them, cherish everything Working mom cons: Missing moments with LO as TDB pointed out It is a luxury to be a SAHM in the sense that as a mother the most valuable thing you have is time with your LO and when you're a working mom you miss it aLOT. [b'>Not everyone can afford it financially to be a SAHM.[/b'> However, I am leaving my job because now that DD is older and talking so much and learning I feel like I want to spend time with her because she'll be grown up before I know it! I am also glad I got to work the past year, and get some time for myself. My point is, both are difficult and both are stressful and both are also rewarding. As for the hubby thing, DH and I are pretty equal - we both dont cook so take out menus are our friend :) I agree with this, but out of curiosity, how much of a working Mum's salary goes on a maid, childcare, etc and any other extras needed for her to stay at home? <em>edited by Geordie expat on 21/04/2014</em>

Wow ladies, let's stop attacking each other and not picking on sentences from each other's posts - If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all! I dont think TDB meant insult SAHM's at all and I didnt see it that way, but it is a sensitive topic for some women who feel SAHMs are looked down on. I was a SAHM for DD's first year, and been a working mum for all of DD's second year, and I'm leaving my job now as soon as she turns 2, and I can see both sides of the coin. As a mum: SAHM pros: lots of time with LO, bonding, not missing anything SAHM cons: lots of time with LO (haha just kidding) but it can get tiring when you want a break! Working mom pros: You can take a break (usually) more often in the day so when you do see LO you are more relaxed and enjoy them, cherish everything Working mom cons: Missing moments with LO as TDB pointed out It is a luxury to be a SAHM in the sense that as a mother the most valuable thing you have is time with your LO and when you're a working mom you miss it aLOT. Not everyone can afford it financially to be a SAHM. However, I am leaving my job because now that DD is older and talking so much and learning I feel like I want to spend time with her because she'll be grown up before I know it! I am also glad I got to work the past year, and get some time for myself. My point is, both are difficult and both are stressful and both are also rewarding. As for the hubby thing, DH and I are pretty equal - we both dont cook so take out menus are our friend :)

Goodness, catflight, this is not even a first spit. Let's try not to be too over dramatic and add fuel to poor form.

Don't know what's the point in someone always pointing out that a thread has digressed into a catfight - yes we can read that, so big deal, it happens. TDB, I didn't agree with your stance on this thread but so what we can still be friendly hedgehogs on other threads all the while hiding our quills. But to leave EW over a silly spat? You said it yourself, we are all strangers, why would you let one dictate where you prefer to post online? FWIW I like reading your posts. Cant recall the number of times I have been dissed, which is all the better for me :D Hope you stop feeling prickly soon.

DB, less than the truth. You make some strong comments at times on multitudes of subjects and posters respond, this is a forum. In fact there are other posters who have been particularly vicious towards your posts over the years, i am not one of them. I don't need to be vicious to voice an opinion nor do i deliberately intend to upset anyone, nor do i believe i have. I have disagreed with your statements made about SAHM, which you make from time to time. I have teenagers, if i wish to be on the receiving end of such conversations i direct to them not EW. Exactly - vicious posts, teenage conversations, thumbs down, bullying mentality, cliques, why on earth do I still post on here? I've always been candid about my experiences and tried to help people unlike many other posters who just crop up to be nasty then retreat back to anonymity but don't actually add anything else to the forum. If anyone is stupid enough or naive enough to expose any weakness or difficulty in their lives, it is remembered years on and used to mock someone. If someone has marriage difficulties or any other problem it will be used against them with venom. Yes when there is a debate I put my oar in but I try to back up what I say through facts not emotions and never intentionally nasty altho perhaps it doesn't always come across that way. Honestly it is time for me to leave EW, I'd rather focus on my real life friends and family than get into pointless discussions with "strangers". If I need any advice or information there are numerous Facebook groups where the ladies are nothing but kind and helpful. I agree with you, TDB, a thread that started off with a genuine concern and asking for advice has turned into yet another (albeit entertaining) cat fight, that's a shame.... But not really surprising... Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but I always wonder, why do some posters feel the need to question someone's choices and be judgmental about it, when they actually don't have any real advice to give?! The OP didn't ask "can you judge me on wanting to "spoil" my husband?" !? :) To the OP, I understand you want to make your husband's life easier when you're away. The easiest solution is, as suggested by other posters, to hire an agency maid that comes in once or twice a week, depending on how messy he is :) , and that also does the ironing. Regarding meals, either stock up on ready-made meals (wait rose has a good selection) if he's not a fussy eater, or surprise him with a voucher for a meal on the weekend with his friends. I know some companies to daily "basket deliveries" with all the ingredients and cooking instructions/recipes, might be something nice for him to try? At least he wouldn't have to dash to Spinneys after a long day at work and he wouldn't even need to look up a recipe for inspiration, everything comes in the basket :)

I think this is one of those subjects that can be so difficult to navigate people can sit for ages wording a reply and still manage to get it wrong in the eyes of some. Its impossible to cover all possible interpretations of a persons viewpoint given its such a huge minefield so a person really can just live in hope that others will use common sense and not make much out of comments that are more than likely meant in all innocence and without ulterior motive. Prickly working mum, prickly stay at home mums, the worlds full of them. We need to be giving each other a break and to stop treating each other like the enemy. And lets face it - a man has to be useful for something! <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 21/04/2014</em>

Daza I would love to give you 10 thumbs up - agree entirely.

When hubby was at home sending me pics of [b'>all the play areas they were at[/b'> or spending hours giggling with her toys I did consider that to be fun not work but then I'd also come home to a cooked meal and spotless house. So it wasnt a fun and games. Play areas, fun????? Try a few summers here as a SAHM, they are about as much fun as being poked in the eyeball for two hours.....

My hubby does most of the chores anyway as he works from home ;-)

My post was in no way intended to discredit SaHMs as I know what a hard job it is, just doing it on weekends. I even suggested to DH we give the nursery workers a tip or a payrise as they are utter legends. BUT being a SAHM is a luxury and a choice that most of the developed world doesn't have, so if you have the gift of being off then I think looking after one's hubby is a small price to pay. And yes it is 1950s but then so is Dubai - housewife not allowed to work stamped on your visa, sponsorship by hubby, fewer rights, special queues, maids, drivers etc. I have the utmost respect for full time mums but just being devils advocate thinking about the hubbys here. Most have long commutes and long hours that enable many mums to stay home. Its not an entitlement its a blessing. I missed my daughter's first steps yesterday as I was at work, thankfully they videoed it. When hubby was at home sending me pics of all the play areas they were at or spending hours giggling with her toys I did consider that to be fun not work but then I'd also come home to a cooked meal and spotless house. So it wasnt a fun and games. Hope everyone has a nice day whether they're at a desk or supervising toddlers! I may be reading the tone of your posts wrong but what is coming across to me is that in a relationship you think that being the partner who stays home with the children is the easy option compared to the partner who goes out to work. I disagree with that. My first maternity leave was lovely. Lie ins, nesting, lunches with my NCT friends. Fast forward to my next maternity leave, a toddler at home who's demands don't stop because you are heavily pregnant or also caring for a newborn around the clock. Then doing it again with a toddler at home as well as older children with school runs, after school activities, life doesn't slow down no matter how much you want it too. It's about as far from a holiday as you can get. As for having 'lots of responsibility on one's shoulders' is spending your days being everything to a child(ren) not a responsibility? Responsibility for keeping them safe, keeping them happy, keeping them healthy, for their learning, their emotional development. When you are a SAHM, it's all on you, no breaks, 24/7. As for being devils advocate, it proves nothing if you apply it to our family this stage of our lives. During the week, including commuting, may husband general works 7am - 8pm. My 'working hours' are around 6am - 9pm. Night feeds, nightmare duty and all the other things that crop up in the night are done by me. I am incredibly grateful to my husband for how hard he works and for the lifestyle that his hard work allows our family to have. I'm grateful that I have the choice to stay at home and I never forget how lucky I am to be able to do that. It's not a one way street though. My husband is just as grateful to me for the work I put in running our family and raising our children. He's grateful that I gave up my career so I could be at home with our children. In saying all this, it isn't a competition, it's not about who works harder but it does irk as a SAHM when you put your life, your heart, your soul in to what you do yet by some it is still considered the easy option.

Izzy, i think a guest would prefer a bed or even a sofa rather than a chest freezer! lol Lola KittyCat, am not sure my leftovers would last long in a bed...... Party at yours then :) LOL

Izzy, i think a guest would prefer a bed or even a sofa rather than a chest freezer! lol Lola KittyCat, am not sure my leftovers would last long in a bed......

That said, I did take away something very nice from this thread. Its never occurred to me to freeze ready meals for DH when I went away, and with little children this was just impossible but now that the kids aren't so much in my hair, I think its something lovely to do and which I *may* try. I know the feminists would not be happy with that confession. Just cook a little more than normal at each meal, and freeze the left overs in one meal portions for DH to nuke while you are away - you don't even have to go out of your way to do it :D Another brilliant idea - EW is the fountain of wisdom that keeps giving obv! Tbh I don't cook anything extra - he lives off all the scrappy bits of tupperwares full of just too much for one meal and not quite enough for two !! lol We all do it - any casserole etc left over we freeze but it's rarely enough to make more than one decent meal and because I cba to cook lots of different dishes at the same meal time they get left in the freezer... so in addition to an empty ironing basket I come home to an almost empty freezer too !! lol can you send him to me - can empty my freezer and do my irnoning..... am actually contemplating gettign an additoinal chest freezer as i run out of space :( Izzy, i think a guest would prefer a bed or even a sofa rather than a chest freezer! lol