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How does your DH cope when you are not here...

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Doubting Thomas

2298

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:48

They way most posters here refer to their husbands just says it all. You clearly don't see them as your equals! "Of course most men can fend for themselves, i think they enjoy the freedom of takeaways" "I also stock the cupboards with extra staples so that when he goes shopping it's just a quick stop" "He does do some of his own washing" Why are you all so grateful to your husbands for working and bringing in the money? Do you not feel that being at home looking after the kids, you contribute equally to the family? Why do you feel the need to provide a service to your husband when you're not even at home? Is that not an opportunity for you to relax (since you're on holiday) and your husband to have some peace and quiet and look after himself? Perhaps its my feminist roots but I get a real itchy, annoying feeling reading through your posts. Why are women still so subservient to men, in this day and age? Why do you feel the need to mollycoddle them and treat them like adult babies? It's not a question of being subservient, it's usually a case of being practical...Leaving frozen leftovers and no piles of ironing is not mollycoddling, in my opinion, it's making his life easier while he's on his own... Appreciating what your husband does for you is just good manners - are you saying you don't appreciate yours ? Bit of a shame if you never do anything nice for him in case it compromises your "equal" status ....

2725

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:41

Im now off to wash his clothes, change his bed and think about what to cook him for tea, and to make sure he has a cool beer in the fridge. lol I must admit that made me laugh. glad it did.... lol

89

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:40

Im now off to wash his clothes, change his bed and think about what to cook him for tea, and to make sure he has a cool beer in the fridge. lol I must admit that made me laugh.

2725

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:38

The best thing for you to do is, dont read the posts then. the question asked intially was how do they cope whilst we are away, now if you want to discuss where we stand as partners to our husbands, thats a different story..... As a member of this forum I believe I am permitted to read the posts and disagree, and express my disagreement or ask the posters questions, which they can of course choose not to respond to. Or is EW only for those who agree that husbands should be adored and mollycoddled and looked up to as supreme beings? edited by Miss Issippi on 20/04/2014 edited by Miss Issippi on 20/04/2014 Im now off to wash his clothes, change his bed and think about what to cook him for tea, and to make sure he has a cool beer in the fridge. lol Sense of humour is need for this forum..... hee hee <em>edited by salsB on 20/04/2014</em>

89

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:32

The best thing for you to do is, dont read the posts then. the question asked intially was how do they cope whilst we are away, now if you want to discuss where we stand as partners to our husbands, thats a different story..... As a member of this forum I believe I am permitted to read the posts and disagree, and express my disagreement or ask the posters questions, which they can of course choose not to respond to. Or is EW only for those who agree that husbands should be adored and mollycoddled and looked up to as supreme beings? edited by Miss Issippi on 20/04/2014 <em>edited by Miss Issippi on 20/04/2014</em>

2725

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:27

They way most posters here refer to their husbands just says it all. You clearly don't see them as your equals! "Of course most men can fend for themselves, i think they enjoy the freedom of takeaways" "I also stock the cupboards with extra staples so that when he goes shopping it's just a quick stop" "He does do some of his own washing" Why are you all so grateful to your husbands for working and bringing in the money? Do you not feel that being at home looking after the kids, you contribute equally to the family? Why do you feel the need to provide a service to your husband when you're not even at home? Is that not an opportunity for you to relax (since you're on holiday) and your husband to have some peace and quiet and look after himself? Perhaps its my feminist roots but I get a real itchy, annoying feeling reading through your posts. Why are women still so subservient to men, in this day and age? Why do you feel the need to mollycoddle them and treat them like adult babies? The best thing for you to do is, dont read the posts then. the question asked intially was how do they cope whilst we are away, now if you want to discuss where we stand as partners to our husbands, thats a different story.....

89

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:22

They way most posters here refer to their husbands just says it all. You clearly don't see them as your equals! "Of course most men can fend for themselves, i think they enjoy the freedom of takeaways" "I also stock the cupboards with extra staples so that when he goes shopping it's just a quick stop" "He does do some of his own washing" Why are you all so grateful to your husbands for working and bringing in the money? Do you not feel that being at home looking after the kids, you contribute equally to the family? Why do you feel the need to provide a service to your husband when you're not even at home? Is that not an opportunity for you to relax (since you're on holiday) and your husband to have some peace and quiet and look after himself? Perhaps its my feminist roots but I get a real itchy, annoying feeling reading through your posts. Why are women still so subservient to men, in this day and age? Why do you feel the need to mollycoddle them and treat them like adult babies?

2725

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 12:12

my hubby goes to work daily to give me a great stardard of living, he works long hours, like everyone else does. No harm in making sure he has his essentials in the house whilst Im gone. Ofcourse most men can fend for themselves, i think they enjoy the freedom of takeaways etc. Men arent children, but in my opinion the isnt anything wrong to make sure he has all he needs, to make life easier after a hard day at work.

89

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 20 April 2014 - 11:55

I still find it amazing that so many of you feel obligated to look after your husbands even when you're not there. I get that as husband and wife, and especially if kids are involved, you need to divvy up the chores and that usually the one that doesn't work looks after the household. That makes sense. But I still don't get why that necessitates preparing meals and setting up laundry services for your husband whilst you're away. You treat them like children! In my home, I go to work full time whilst my husband is at home with our 2yo. In terms of household chores, we share it between us. He does what he can during the day - washing, cleaning, cooking etc. and I do what I can when I get home or during the weekends. I would never dream of expecting that he does it all himself because I go to work, and if roles were reversed there is no way I would be his mother, maid and cook all rolled up in to one. At the end of the day, we are both adult and capable of looking after ourselves.

2262

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 19 April 2014 - 16:26

I do what he does when he goes away. Pack my bags and leave. He gets on with it and manages quite fine, animals alive when I get back, house still standing and he does not smell.

5499

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 21:08

Don't they all go to Rattlesnake? In the Metropolitan?

1987

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 20:46

Since children entered the picture, I haven't left DH on his own. He comes with me! It's fun traveling with him since we truly collaborate to care for kids, shop for and prepare meals, and do cleaning and laundry. DH isn't great with gadgets so I figure out the washing/ drying machines, the microwave, TV/VCR, do a google search of nearby laundry facilities prior to arrival, compile iPod playlists for the long drives, etc.

60

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 19:27

You've lost me there QueenL? ???

434

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 18:53

:-P trying to recreate the " old days" ?

60

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 17:36

My reply to this is I have no idea! He is a grown up. Seriously if he can hold down a successful career he can look after himself. It may be to a different standard to me but he could say the same. When I am home I look after him and our homes with a little help from him, he looks after the garden and outside maintenance with a bit of advice from me. It works.

588

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EW GURU

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 16:14

Mine can cope just fine. He lived on his own for years before we were married and he can tidy, wash up and cook and look after himself just fine. I found this so helpful when kids were very little and relied heavily on the fact that we both pitched in equally at home, (he called it his second shift!) He can cook almost every dish I make, and some a tad better (although I'd never admit this to him). He is one of those who find cooking stress-buster, although when I am away I don't think he will cook for himself everyday. I do think every guy needs to have a few years of living on his own, I don't know how I'd react if DH was the type to not lift a finger around the house, although I know lots of women live with such men and are perfectly ok with it.

493

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 14:57

Ladies, stop molly-coddling your men. The more you do for them, the less they do. Best strategy imo is to leave them high and dry to fend for themselves while you are away. That way they will learn to appreciate all you do for them and may *even* learn how to switch on a washing machine.

133

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 14:36

I generally do most of the cooking, but only out of necessity. My husband enjoys cooking and is awesome at it so I don't worry about that when he's alone in the summer. That being said, he works long hours and it does suck to come home to an empty house and the knowledge that your wife and kid are on the other side of the world. So, I do leave him some frozen homemade soups and casseroles, plus some banana muffins etc that he can pull out a couple at a time. I also buy extra meat and fish, and I portion them into single servings before freezing so that when he does want to cook he doesn't need to thaw too much. I also stock the cupboards with extra staples so that when he goes shopping it's just a quick stop on the way home for a few perishables. I think he appreciates it just as I appreciate how hard he works for us. I couldn't care less if he cleans or not. And I never iron anyways, he does his own. But the one thing I do do that he loves every summer is leave small treats around the house. Granted after 10 years here the hiding spots have had to be more creative. I keep a list of what's hidden where and every so often while skyping, or when he checks his bbm in the morning I set him off to find a treat. Chocolate, bags of spiced or flavoured nuts, gourmet chips, a pez dispenser with candy, gum... It's just fun and there's always a little note to go along with it. <em>edited by moose on 18/04/2014</em>

1042

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 13:57

Last time I went away for summer DH couldn't remember what setting to put the sheets in washing machine (he only washes his own clothes as he is worried about being told off if he damages things). When I came back he was sleeping in the spare room. It seems we only had four sets of sheets for our bed so when he ran out he moved to the spare room and used the sheets for the guest bed (different size). Of course I came home with six sets of sheets to wash!

Anonymous (not verified)

0

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 11:53

Blimey, I must be very lucky !! Mine can do everything as well or better than I can !! The only problem he has is lack of time, having to cook his meal when he gets home from work doesn't leave him much of an evening but he's more than capable of looking after himself. We Skype lots, and he likes to leave it on while we both get on with chores as he says it's company for him !! lol The Skype thing... So cute :)

1337

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 11:40

Oh my goodness! When I go off on vacation by myself and leave my husband here, he is hardly at home. He comes home to shower and change clothes. Luckily the maid is there to attend to the house, washing, ironing, pets etc. My husband is off all hours with his friends, BBQing, drinking coffee and smoking sheesha. When I get home he is so happy to see me - he is exhausted and welcomes my "strict house rules" - (come home at a decent time, eat good food, etc) as he calls them. Hahaha. I do think eastern men respond better the house rules than western men, however. I actually think it is good to go off sometimes and leave them to cope - because, of course, they cannot!!! It makes them appreciate everything we do for them all the better. You are funny!!!! My husband is similar. I think many eastern men are like that. and many are not, thankfully. My husband can and did do everything in the house, and with the children, that I did. Maybe because he was military, or maybe because he was sent by dhow to Oman when he was 16 and left to fend for himself from that day on. There's very little he cant turn his hand to, he was even capable of making sure I never ever came home to even one odd sock or one piece of dirty laundry in the basket. He was quite infuriating. :D

Doubting Thomas

2298

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 18 April 2014 - 11:31

Blimey, I must be very lucky !! Mine can do everything as well or better than I can !! The only problem he has is lack of time, having to cook his meal when he gets home from work doesn't leave him much of an evening but he's more than capable of looking after himself. We Skype lots, and he likes to leave it on while we both get on with chores as he says it's company for him !! lol

Anonymous (not verified)

0

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 20:15

Oh my goodness! When I go off on vacation by myself and leave my husband here, he is hardly at home. He comes home to shower and change clothes. Luckily the maid is there to attend to the house, washing, ironing, pets etc. My husband is off all hours with his friends, BBQing, drinking coffee and smoking sheesha. When I get home he is so happy to see me - he is exhausted and welcomes my "strict house rules" - (come home at a decent time, eat good food, etc) as he calls them. Hahaha. I do think eastern men respond better the house rules than western men, however. I actually think it is good to go off sometimes and leave them to cope - because, of course, they cannot!!! It makes them appreciate everything we do for them all the better. You are funny!!!! My husband is similar. I think many eastern men are like that.

1042

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 19:17

DH refers to me as the 'Kitchen Engineer' and refuses to set foot in the kitchen. That said he does do some of his own washing and takes clean washing out the machine for me since I've had back problems. He actually loses weight whilst I'm away as he seems to live off granola and cheese sandwiches! So I can completely sympathise with the OP. As for what to do as others have said putting meals in the freezer is good, Skype/FaceTime him as often as possible and luckily I have some friends who that seem to feel sorry for him whilst I'm away and insist on feeding him!

39

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 18:55

Oh my goodness! When I go off on vacation by myself and leave my husband here, he is hardly at home. He comes home to shower and change clothes. Luckily the maid is there to attend to the house, washing, ironing, pets etc. My husband is off all hours with his friends, BBQing, drinking coffee and smoking sheesha. When I get home he is so happy to see me - he is exhausted and welcomes my "strict house rules" - (come home at a decent time, eat good food, etc) as he calls them. Hahaha. I do think eastern men respond better the house rules than western men, however. I actually think it is good to go off sometimes and leave them to cope - because, of course, they cannot!!! It makes them appreciate everything we do for them all the better.

1601

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 18:19

We have always looked at our marriage as a partnership and play to each other's strengths...38 years and counting.....very much like JoyceB and MrB we both muck in either way. I must admit that I enjoy taking care of everyone and like you Puck I do plan ahead before heading off on a jaunt on my own, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. Going in for major surgery soon and will be out of the mix for 3 months and have organized meals for at least one month as DH, who really does try, is an awful cook......:( After enduring their dad's cooking while I was away dealing with emergencies both boys have made an effort and now are really good cooks....much to their fathers dismay ;) <em>edited by Nomad on 17/04/2014</em>

4062

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 18:01

When you're both working? Absolutely should tasks be shared etc. When one is working and the other not, it seems a bit cruel to ask too much of the working spouse, I reckon (irrespective of their gender!). ;) I think it depends on children as well. The last time I left my husband on his own for a month while I was in NZ on my own with 3 young children (including one breastfeeding around the clock) I didn't do a thing in advance to look after him in our absence. When I've been away and left him at home with the children I spend a lot of time stocking the freezer with meals and cupboards with food so he doesn't need to think about it while I am gone.

804

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EW GURU

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 17:23

I should add that while we were in Doha, I did do the full time housewife bit as I couldn't get a nursing post so had a lot of time on my hands. DH worked long hours so of course I didn't expect him to chip in with the housework as well. Prior to that I was working full time doing shift work so yes, I expected him to do his share of the domestic stuff. I have had to remind him that yes, we are both retired now but there is still a house to clean and care for LOL! :) Exactly. When you're both working? Absolutely should tasks be shared etc. When one is working and the other not, it seems a bit cruel to ask too much of the working spouse, I reckon (irrespective of their gender!). ;)

1236

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EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 17:20

I should add that while we were in Doha, I did do the full time housewife bit as I couldn't get a nursing post so had a lot of time on my hands. DH worked long hours so of course I didn't expect him to chip in with the housework as well. Prior to that I was working full time doing shift work so yes, I expected him to do his share of the domestic stuff. I have had to remind him that yes, we are both retired now but there is still a house to clean and care for LOL! :)

804

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 17 April 2014 - 17:13

That's a tad harsh, isn't it, Miss Issippi? Everyone has different ways of doing things, and more importantly, the strange but true fact for many trailing spouses is that they do the lion's share taking care of the home/family while their partner is 'down the mines'. My chap can do the lot but it doesn't mean he should have to, when he's working 12-14 hour days and commuting all over the place. He brings in the dosh, and -- when I'm not working -- I look after the home front. That's the Dubai deal we have and I'm fine with it. I don't feel diminished at all or put upon or anything like that ... it's just how things worked out. When I go away (when we're not away together) I'm also cool about slapping lasagne, soups, casseroles etc into the freezer so he doesn't have to faff around when he gets home. He uses just the main bed/bathroom/kitchen/TV room and the rest of the house is unused for the duration. We send out our laundry to be serviced weekly anyway, so no change there, but I don't get a maid in to run around after him. My sympathy runs dry for working [i'>couples[/i'> (where the husband does diddly) however, but I'm reluctant to be judgy when one person is hard at it 'at work' and his/her spouse does the majority of the domestic stuff. And if that's the way some couples roll -- like us! -- I don't blame people who ask for a bit of advice about what to do when they're on furlough. ;)

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