DesertRose1958 | ExpatWoman.com
 

DesertRose1958

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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 21 March 2015 - 03:08
I just looked at the date of the initial post Plum and I think the lady is long since gone.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 17 March 2015 - 18:09
In reply to Izzy, My son is the first person to have a diagnosis but he has 2 second cousins who would get a diagnosis if one was sought. One of those youngsters is very high functioning and can get by whilst being considered a bit of a 'strange one' - not my description of people I must add. She is about 15 now. Then there is another girl who is a few years older than my son, she's on the spectrum but for years its been said she fell of the bed as a baby and ended up brain damaged. She's not. Then there are a few other quirky people who wouldn't get a diagnosis but who most definitely do have very strong ASD traits and I think the best way to describe them is extreme NT. Thats my husbands side of the family, and to be frank I would consider my husband to be amongst the extreme NT's in his family. Now mine - MY father is extreme NT, and his father I would place on the spectrum. There is also the fact that in my husband sides of the family there's schizophrenia as well as Bipolar Disorder, whilst in mines there's Bipolar. Autism is more common in families where these conditions exist. Its all very interesting and it can be quite 'funny' when you sit with a friend and she says I don't know where my childs autism came from, and you're there looking at her and thinking - really? :) <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 17/03/2015</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 09 March 2015 - 01:35
There is also Preetha who is a friend and collegue of Vanessa, as well as my daughter who is the SN teacher out of the three of them. Between them they should be able to help you.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 09 March 2015 - 01:33
Try Nicky at Gorgeous in MQ.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 09 March 2015 - 01:30
***I have seen children with autism who are the only ones in their family tree with it.*** They may be the only one presenting the way they do but I would put money on there being others in the family who are also on the spectrum in their own way. I would also put money on there being people in the family going back a few generations who are remembered for being 'a strange one'.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 02 November 2014 - 11:29
Just to clarify that its not/was true visas are only being issued if the woman is to be employed on a government project. I own a business and we are still being issued visas at various levels of clearance for female employees. Its taking a few weeks longer because the MOM is a very busy Ministry but we're getting them. I think its very much a suck it an see situation. You have to go through the process before you find out if the particular category of clearance you require is being issued or not. And just to clarify, when people say there has been a ban put in place it can quite often mean that the MOM has actually stopped accepting or issuing new clearance applications in order to clear a backlog. This is a common occurrence in Oman and for e.g. another ministry has currently stopped taking a certain application till 2015 in order to overhaul their entire system and work on a backlog. ETA - I have found that quite often when you question a person who is saying there is a ban and we were refused blah blah blah you will very often find there was a back story thats not usually mentioned and its glaringly obvious to people who know the system why the clearance was refused. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 26/09/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 25 September 2014 - 07:50
I just want to say there is a vacancy being advertised on the Oman Jobs board which Expatwoman has very kindly placed for us even though we don't meet the criteria for advertising a vacancy. Its with us a family and it involves my son. its worth a look. Honest :)
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 25 September 2014 - 07:45
I'd just like to link to this vacancy which Expatwoman has very kindly placed for us even though we don't actually meet the criteria for posting a vacancy with them. http://www.expatwoman.com/dubai/jobsdetail.aspx?pid=32&cid=jobs&jbid=6154
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 22 September 2014 - 15:19
Sandy, I found this on the ROP website. For Foreigners Staying Outside The Sultanate: A letter from the applicant, indicating their name and mail address. Two photographs (4 x 4) Copy of the passport including the pages containing the previous residence stamp during the applicant’s residence in Oman . Transfer the fees of US $12.00 (Not Cheque \ Draft) or equivalent thereof in the Directorate General of Inquires and Criminal Investigations' account no. 3106-453888-500, Oman Arab Bank, Qurum Branch, swift code (OMABOMRU). Submit by express mail confirmation of the depositing together with the application to the Director of Criminal Evidence, Directorate General of Inquires and Criminal Investigations, Royal Oman Police, P.O BOX , 446 Muscat ,113 Sultanate of Oman. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 22/09/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 21 September 2014 - 17:10
Sandy, you go to the police station for it.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 16 September 2014 - 07:49
I pay a very good salary and thats it, but if people want to use the stuff I have in the cupboard they are more than welcome to. Not that they'd find anything fancy. Just plain bog standard stuff and even then only the very basic of items, no deo or cream for eg. Thats 'buy your own' territory. It worked for my children, it was them who had the pleasure of trawling the supermarket for a certain item they just had to have for such and such. Food wise? Meals are cooked and we all eat them, faddy eaters are not catered for and can have a sandwich/soup/leftovers if they like, children/grandchildren included. But that said, if someone fancied cooking something they like they're more than welcome to but it would be planned as a meal for everyone and not allowed to get in the way of the general running of the house. I wish people would move on from this condescending 'poor woman' mentality when it comes to maids. Pay a good salary to cover everything and there should be no need for this behaviour which resembles something out of the Deep South. And what if if someone should still try to chance their luck? Its easy, just say no and make it very clear their salary is to cover everything and if they're not happy with it then its sorry, thank you for coming, its been lovely meeting you. Because thats as far as it would get with me - the interview. I just wouldn't waste my time negotiating with people and would look upon a request for 'more' as a sign of trouble ahead and not bother with them. I thank God for my lot every day. They are fab and I quite simply couldn't manage without them but there are others ways to let them know how much they are appreciated. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 16/09/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 27 July 2014 - 06:55
Hi ladies, it looks like the Ministry of Manpower are really trying to stop expat ladies to come in to this country. But I heard there is an exception but you really have to double check with the relevant department. The Ministry will only approve ladies' working visa if she is employed for any government projects. Not True. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 27/07/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 05 July 2014 - 07:56
I firmly believe a person can only afford a maid if they are able to terminate her employment without having to worry about having just paid visa fees when things go wrong, You say you've been over things with her many times over and nothing has come of it - personally, I wouldn't be seeing her in my way but as you are having to take visa costs etc into things I would be saying - you have one month to shape up or you are gone. Anything else, and your husbands suggestion for sure is unrealistic though it might have sounded good, is nothing more than you welcoming another woman into your house and letting her rule the roost. Your house is supposed to run your way and no-one else's. It may well be that you can turn this around, but even then I think you'll forever more be constantly checking on what was done today and what wasn't. And that really is a far cry from keeping an eye on things, and putting your mark on your home just because you want to. Do you really want to live like that? <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 05/07/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:36
You can only work when under the sponsorship of your employer, not your husband. And visa's are being issued but not to everyone.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:32
So what is the difference between the Phoenix Group and the WGO, because they look virtually identical in what they do? Is one an offshoot of the other? Or a different Branch? <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 04/07/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:32
So what is the difference between the Phoenix Group and the WGO, because they look virtually identical in what they do? Is one an offshoot of the other? Or a different Branch? <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 04/07/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:27
I think you'll find there are loads around, more-so in Muscat, but for sure you will find some in Sohar as well.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:25
ABA is an excellent school. As for being taught Latin? Not that I know of, but there are enough nationalities in Oman who could cover this for you. My two daughters in law for example are from countries where they were taught in Latin alongside their mother tongue as the root of their mother tongue is Latin. You could easily supplement the Latin with private tuition given the amount of people here who have been brought up with it.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:20
You will find it very difficult to transfer money as most places now ask for very detailed information as to where the money came from, why and where the money is going. If you have a bank account then your bank will do the transfer for you.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:15
Well I like it because you can really see the silly games that are going on as well as the silly people and their silly friends who are involved in them. I'd be embarrassed to be some of the posters, but perhaps that should be I'd be more embarrassed than usual to be them. But that said, its hardly important in the grand scheme of things and as long as they're happy.......... <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 04/07/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 04 July 2014 - 10:06
Thank you ladies, he was so delicious Ive just had to keep on going back for more. :) We are all at home and around the table tonight, new baby included, and each and everyone of us shall have indigestion. So, a home-made soup, but just what kind is yet to be decided, with garlic bread. Little home-made fish cutlets, Swahili style, with a coconut chutney to dip them in. Home-made hot and crispy vegetable spring rolls. For a bit later, for the more traditional eater:- Chicken Curry, swahili style Chaphati Rice Salad For the others:- Roast Vegetable and Cous Cous Salad with Feta Cheese and a pomegranate dressing Salad Creme Caramel Vimto
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 02 July 2014 - 20:29
Well I can't stand hospital food so tonight it's half a leftover freezing cold tuna toastie from yesterday. A cup of lukewarm coffee made with horrible horrible long life milk. A jam filled donut to take the taste of the coffee away. And for my proper desert cos a donut doesn't count I shall dine like a queen whilst feasting on the beauty and wonder of my 16 hour old new grandson Burp!!!!!! That was me. Not him.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 25 June 2014 - 12:06
This lady is also a Doula. She is very good, and I've known her since she was a tiny wee tot herself. https://www.facebook.com/samhallphotography
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 25 June 2014 - 11:55
It gets even more difficult when you're out with you're son, a young man of 23, and the disabled toilets are in the main body of the gents and ladies loos.. I wish there were separate ones that could be accessed by a mum and her big son, or a dad and his daughter. Its a blooming minefield.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 25 June 2014 - 08:55
Vintaysiya, a person knows if they're at the stage where surgery is a serious consideration so I won't ask 'have tried this that or the other', because you probably have. So weight loss surgery - the patient does not go into the Drs and say I want x, y, or z, done. What happens is that you are asked lot of questions regarding your eating habits and the Dr will tell you the type of surgery best suited to how you misuse food. The balloon - I did it and it was horrible. Absolutely awful. And I had it removed just a few months later. The band - I have the band and its been fab. Ive had no side effects but I really must stress that the band is something you have to work with in order to lose the weight. It won't do it for you and for me its summed up in this - the band helps me with willpower. I am always watching and thinking about what I eat. Its not an obsession, I'm just aware of things and if you didn't know I had a band there's nothing about me at the table to suggest I do have one. Slim people are generally careful about what they eat and thats what the band does, it gets you to use food the way those generally slim people do, it makes you think about what you're going shove in your gob next. Gastic Bypass/Gastirc Sleeve/ and the newish one they do that kind of makes a sausage shape out of your tummy but keeps your tummy intact:- I just couldn't have done any of these because the thought of them horrifies me and would have filled me with self loathing even though I actually was a better candidate for these type surgeries than the Band. I would quite simply have preferred to stay fat. It was really important to me that I got my head round what was going on with me regarding food, and I needed the band to help me with that. The Bypass etc would have achieved nothing with regards to my head. In fact, I hope to have the band removed one day, but whether that is ever a reality remains to be be seen. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 25/06/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 01 June 2014 - 19:17
Because if the maid has a day off, you don't have it! Moreover my friends sometimes lend me their maids but of course I pay good extra for it and provide a taxi to come and go back. Are you talking about a maid or a vacuum cleaner? You've never had a live in maid yet you seem to have very set ideas of how you should treat one. Which by the way, is coming across as terribly. I pity whomever you hire, it seems that you are planning on having her look after the huge garden you will have because you are too tight to also pay for a gardener. She will be responsible for cleaning your home, cooking your husband breakfast at 5.30am, welcoming your children off their school buses because you don't want to be stuck at home waiting for them. She'll be evening babysitting and it doesn't sound like she is going to be getting a day off. Heaven forbid you won't have *it* for a day. Yet you consider all of this 'a small effortless job'???? Why don't you trying doing it all for a few weeks and see how small and effortless it really is? The amount of women who have never been a housewife in the conventional sense and would live in complete and utter lazy a r s e d squalor rather than clean up behind them never ceases to amaze me. There is a rule of thumb that for me is everything - dont ask someone to do a housework related job you haven't done yourself. I would hate to have to clean a car, (but my daughters will) , so its something I would never ask a maid to do. As for cleaning toilets - Ive recently started my own business and there's 4 bathrooms/changing rooms each to be cleaned a few times a day. I can't afford a cleaner right now so I do it myself and its no hardship because I take great pride in a clean bathroom. I enjoy doing it but will admit its raised eyebrows in certain quarters. I couldn't care less. Anyone who thinks housework is a doodle has never done it properly and if they think its an easy job that takes hardly anytime in a day they are more than likely living in a tip. Granted it may look nice on the surface but I doubt very much it would stand up to much scrutiny. I keep domestic staff for years and consider myself a firm but fair employer but there's absolutely no point in passing on advice to some who ask for the simple reason you can't educate mince!
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 01 June 2014 - 07:46
My daughter gives a letter for each stage of the journey we are doing even if we are flying from Cardiff to Glasgow, or within other European Countries, it mentions flight details and where we are staying. This follows on from an experience that wasn't unpleasant, just thorough. Your family should also be prepared for the immigration or security officer to engage the children in what appears to be very innocent chat but isn't, its a fact finding chat. Children grow up very quickly and unless a passport is brand new or close to being new at the time of travel it can be difficult for an immigration office to see that the 8 month old or the two year old, for e.g., on the passport is the older child standing before them.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 30 May 2014 - 08:30
No replies so far which is worrying: does that mean us madams either dominate/control our maids and if not the maids dominate/control us? Is there such a thing as a good, balanced madam-maid relationship based on mutual respect and co-operation? Has anyone got the key to a successful madam-maid working relationship? You missed out another possible scenario and perhaps people just couldn't be bothered answering your question for a whole host of reasons. But in answer to your question anyway - just get on with it. It really is the best way because all this contemplating will only ever tie you up in knots and be counter-productive. I have long term employees working for me, one of them has been with us for 26 years now there is no instruction manual as to how this has happened. It just does. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 30/05/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 22 May 2014 - 11:29
Chosing between ABA and TAISM will be very difficult. However for the children to fit back into a UK school in a few years I would go for ABA. Facility wise I think its the TAISM sports facilities that are considered better but only because of where TAISM was built. Had it been built around the same time as ABA it would not have the sports facility advantage. ABA does not let its lack of TAISM standard sports facilities hinder what it offers to the children. hth
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 22 May 2014 - 10:04
I used to tip really well everywhere I went but one day I thought to myself - why? I didn't really have an answer so I stopped doing it apart from 3 places I go to and have done for a very long time, and its always given in an envelope to the person its intended for. Plus if there is a service charge on the bill I now no longer tip on top of that apart from one place I go where I really appreciate the effort of the people looking after us. I just feel a bit jaded after tipping for years out of 'pity/compassion etc' because someone was poor and compared to them I wasn't. I now much prefer to chose a place to donate to whereas years ago it was the opposite. I do a lot of things differently now I'm a bit older, your views can change on many things and that has surprised me because I used to think the older you got the more your views were set so to speak. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 22/05/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 22 May 2014 - 09:41
Andy Pandy, a bottle of milky tea, your nana, your head on her lap, her teeth in her apron pocket, and a 'wee fleh half oor' on the couch after a plate of mince and tatties for your dinner. What more did we need. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuPVcxzVD5A
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 22 May 2014 - 08:08
To the Op, All over the world people are having to take holidays when they didn't really want to because it's how the cookie crumbles work wise. The fact it's a maid wanting to chose her leave , and feeling very entitled about it, is neither here nor there and I wouldn't be letting it cloud my vision as what works for me as employer and what doesn't. She is an employee, end of. Money wise - I wouldn't even be getting as far as thinking about the money at this stage but I would pay it if the leave period suited me. Suggest to her she has to take her leave according to how it pans out work wise but tell her she can have a week off to go to the graduation at her own expense. edited by DesertRose1958 on 22/05/2014 <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 22/05/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 19 May 2014 - 18:07
Well Im going and I just hope my wingman, my soon to be 9 year old grand-daughter, still likes them next year. A person is never to old for fun and and and and and and memories of those were the days. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 19/05/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 May 2014 - 12:16
Mrs DB the more you have posted the more it's become obvious what you are dealing with, and it's a lot. My advice would be to say no to the stag do if only because if you are laying the foundations to what your husband will expect in the future. You mentioned earlier you had to fight so hard to get married and I wonder if it was the challenge of it all that added to the romance of things and now it's all coming home to roost so to speak . Y apologies though for any presumptions.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 May 2014 - 12:08
Men are still boys? We'll if that's the case it's the fault of the females in their life for stunting their growth.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 May 2014 - 06:57
I checked on the website and they conform to British, European, and American safety standards but they are made to conform to their own which they consider to be a higher standard. It's all explained on the website
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 17 May 2014 - 14:13
Ive used it for years and had absolutely no problems whatsoever. However, the same cant be said for a very close female relative. Her permanent symptoms of PMT and crying and just generally feeling dreadful meant that one day we were out shopping and I took her to a gynaecologist and said pls remove the thing because its awful for her. We'd just had a major meltdown in a shop. She tells me the next morning she woke up feeling human again, the effect of having removed was so instant. But these are only our experiences, you wont know how you'll be with it till you try it. I absolutely love my Mirena even though Im technically almost past the age of needing it - it does help me though with symptoms of the menopause. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 17/05/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 17 May 2014 - 14:07
Mamas and Papas, I got one last week. I dont know if its marked as such, but I did ask, and I trust that it is. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 17/05/2014</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 17 May 2014 - 13:57
MrsDB, only a Dr will be able to tell you if you are depressed or not though Asti makes some very good points. I think when a person has had a baby it can automatically be thought by others that PND is perhaps going on but there is also this http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/depression/facts/reactive-depression.htm. Have a read, but most of all - go to the Drs for a full health check including having your iron levels checked. You've had two babies in less than two years, its no mean feat - its bound to take a toll no matter how much it was planned. Re your night out with your husband, it would upset and scare anyone, but it doesnt actually mean there is anything very seriously wrong between you. Look after and be kind to yourself. xxx
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 12 May 2014 - 12:27
Anyone who knew you when she was gossiping and saying how horrible/fat etc you looked will have known you just had a baby and have her down for the not very nice person she is (thats the polite words for the one word I would like to use to describe her). But I also have to say that your friend should have kept things to himself and not just because passing it on to you just doesn't seem like a very manly think to have done to be honest, its gossip and he really should have been above it all. If anything was going to be said he should have said something to the woman at the time, not reported back to you because which ever way you dress it up he's a tittle tattler. You've achieved loads this last year with a beautiful baby and fabulous weight loss. You are obviously one **** of a woman! she did know i was pregnant and just gave birth.. thats why she said "i hope i don't look like you when i give birth" as for the friend he did keep it away from me and defended me.. but he wanted to tell me because i told him how this so called friend was very proud and said i am an inspiration.. but other than that.. i really thank you for your sweet words.. and honestly don't care for what she said anymore after reading the wonderful comments i got here.. thank you all so much... oh and to add to that.. apparently there was another girl who i didn't care much for.. totally agreed with her and was like yeah my mother lost everything within 3 weeks.. i don't know why she's not taking care of herself.. seriously?!?!! hahaha she's one to talk... anyways.. we don't need these kind of people in our lives. Singarosa, I should have been clearer - I meant that anyone she commented to regarding your weight would have known you just had a baby and not thought much of her for making the comments. They would have seen her for what she is. Your friend though, I still think he should have said nothing to you. By all means sort the other person out so she thinks twice before she speaks in future but to tell you - nah, it wasnt necessary. And you're right - who need horrible people in their life? You have a new baby, and a more than likely fab looking and healthy new body to match. I would put the baby in the buggy and go out and flaunt it, walk tall, strut it out, and if you just happen to be anyplace near the gruesome twosome hang out for a coffee - so much the better!
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 12 May 2014 - 11:27
Anyone who knew you when she was gossiping and saying how horrible/fat etc you looked will have known you just had a baby and have her down for the not very nice person she is (thats the polite words for the one word I would like to use to describe her). But I also have to say that your friend should have kept things to himself and not just because passing it on to you just doesn't seem like a very manly think to have done to be honest, its gossip and he really should have been above it all. If anything was going to be said he should have said something to the woman at the time, not reported back to you because which ever way you dress it up he's a tittle tattler. You've achieved loads this last year with a beautiful baby and fabulous weight loss. You are obviously one **** of a woman!
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 11 May 2014 - 15:07
You can't. It really is as simple as that regardless of how easy it may be for some to say - its your day, just tell her she can't come. You just can't hurt and humiliate another human being like that. And about her being weird. Are you sure she is being weird and its not just you feeling quilty and like a cat on a hot tin roof every time she contacts you? I do feel for you but I feel for the unwanted guest more, its not her fault this has happened.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 11 May 2014 - 14:46
I just wanted to say more to Emirates Mum in the hope it will help her. Im the daughter of a serial cheater but the woman Ive spoken of below is not my mum. My childhood was an absolute misery because of the goings on even though I had a wonderful mum and granny and granddad. My mum couldn't get out of the marriage because she was a Roman Catholic and in those days to be a divorced or separated woman was just once step up from being a street walker. But that said even when she knew she had to get out she just couldn't, because she didn't really have it in her. Its what living the life had done to her, and why Im willing to believe that not everyone can leave when they really should. My mum was married to my dad for 14 years and the infidelity had started from the very beginning. Eventually though she did leave and its only over the last few years Ive come to know what the final straw was. It was two women being pregnant to my dad at the same time that did it. I know this because about 3 years ago my beloved (step) dad, he's my dad in every way, had a call from a woman saying I am looking for so and so because Im her half sister. He refused to give her my contact details but said when she is home in the summer I will tell her and what happens next is pretty much up to her. My mum by this time had been dead for about 10 years and at the time of her death she had been remarried to my stepdad for 25 years. He really did not want me to get involved because of the potential for hurt but said do what you have to do, Im here for you. So I called her and 3 years later there really isn't that much going on between us because of the trouble it all caused in her family with her mum and the man who had brought her up as a daughter. He died very soon after she traced me and to this day she has terrible regrets about what she did and how much she upset him. It all started by the way with her dying granny and a death bed throw away comment because Granny thought she should know the truth. The situation as it stands could be considered a bit of a mess i f we let it be one, but we haven't. We just accept that when the wee one did what she did she thought she would be able to cope with the outcome but she hasn't, and one of the things that upset her most is the fact she is not the child of a mad once in a life time love affair, that it was all pretty sordid, and dysfunctional with a capital D. During my first conversation I had with her I said, I know this may sound off the wall but I think there is more of us. I was even able to name a place I thought someone else may come from if that person existed. I even said and you know what - I think we have a brother as well and he's named after our father. And I really have to make it clear those thoughts just came to me at that moment and I still dont know where they came from - though it is clear now that people around me weren't whispering as quietly as they thought they were back in the day. I dont think people can ever really hide things from children and not just because communication isn't only about the spoken word. Anyway I asked her to remove her messages from the internet because it had really rankled me the way she had gone around just posting our names all over the place and two days later when I went back to check she had, I found a message posted about 3 hours previously from a woman in the place in England that I always had a 'feeling' about. She is our half sister and only 3 months younger than my 'full' sister. Im the eldest. She was brought up by her granny and granddad and despite being loved and adored she is an alcoholic with many many ghosts who haunt her. She chose not to have any contact with our birth father which is just as well given that he doesn't want to see her - it might upset his wife who was ok with being his mistress for years but who couldn't face the reality of him via the appearance of his 'other' children. I did get it together with my sister but her alcoholism has caused problems between us and to be frank I have enough in my life to live with daily without this. Im not proud of backing away from her but I had to about a year ago. About a year after the first sister got in touch she called me and said remember the brother you thought we might have - well he's calling you in half an hour, and yes he is named after our father. Half and hour later he called me and I was hit in the heart by a huge bolt of love and connection. We think now that we did meet when we were children in our fathers workplace, he had a garage, and that he was probably passed off as one of the mechanics children. He's lovely. I have a brother. A real brother who I see every few months despite the miles between us. We even go on holiday together and I have a brand new extended family who have all said - come on in the water is lovely. My children won't even get married without him being around and my lovely sister in law even makes their Scottish wedding favours. He was here last week to see our latest grandson and I have a picture in my head of him walking the baby to sleep Scottish style when none of the rest of us could do anything with him. We now know there are about 11 of us, and that includes 4 who were born in wedlock so to speak, though we haven't managed to find the others. My siblings from my dads second marriage will have nothing to do with our half siblings because our step mum has made it clear the children are nothing to do with them as in her and her children. A glass wall has been built around that family unit - all a bit strange considering she was a mistress for a few years. You would think none of it would bother her but it does. How have we fared with it all? Well truth be told we've all been pretty screwed up at various time in our lives, we personally lived in a war zone and I can remember my mum doing what I now know was hunting for info. My sister isn't really a well person because of our childhood, she can't really make good decisions, and despite the best efforts of the women we had as mums trying to hide things from us and give us good lives it didn't really work out for us as they hoped for and becoming stable people hasn't happened for some of us to this day. Children sense unease and atmosphere and a mum not really holding it together despite her best efforts. As an aside - one of the mums involved has been quite ill since she was told her married boyfriend had another girlfriend pregnant when she was, and that his wife had a 3 month old baby. I dont blame them - they were as much his victim as my mum was. So thats how it can be as the child of a serial cheater. The info is yours to make if what you want but most of all I really do wish you and your children well. xxxxx eta - my mum would have been ok with me knowing and loving my siblings because of the woman she was. She was the best. Really. As for my birth father - I chose not to have him in my life because of the life we led which was all down to him and Ive seen him perhaps 4 times in 40 years. I doubt he has missed me form the simple reason the only person he has ever properly loved in life is himself. He is the love of his life. He's not even worth getting bitter and angry about - he is who and what he is. He actually saw our brother about 18 months ago, accidentally, and he's not someone my brother feels the need to see again and the feeling is mutual we suspect because there is no contact. The wee sister who started it all - well he has seen her once, he made a special visit from thousands of miles away and she has been added to is will because she looked for him. The others - well their backsides are right out the window along with mine and my sisters because they didn't look for him and we decided against a life with him in it, me totally, my sister less as the years have gone on and the fact she lives minutes away from him. My mother used to say to me - pls get in touch with him, you might regret your choice one day, but I never have. I have my dad and my children have their granddad - there's no one to fill his shoes. edited by DesertRose1958 on 11/05/2014 <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 11/05/2014</em>
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Latest post on 11 May 2014 - 07:40
EmiratesMUm, I came back to post this link, Perhaps it can be of some use to you. http://www.relate.org.uk/ My friend found them helpful even from afar once she got over the bit about them referring to 'facing up to why the affairs happened'. She thought she was being told - you must be at fault for them to have happened, you must have had a part in it. In her mind she thought it meant she was lacking something/that she wasn't womanly etc and it used to set her teeth on edge every time it came up in discussions. As it turned out however she did have a part in the goings on because she always enabled the next one to happen by teaching her husband that ' I think so little of myself, and I'm so desperate to be 'the one you pick' nothing is really going to happen the next time you do this. But its like what she told me in the aftermath of it all - the real reason the affairs happened was because her husband had 'b*****d syndrome'. She said she sat there one day and just thought to herself, narcissist/sociopath/whatever, its a load of ******** - he really is just a B*****D. He has B*****D Syndrome. We still laugh about her naming a new syndrome - one that quite unusually not many people are straining at the bit to have. ;) A few years down the line and her life is really good even though her life is not the life she thought she would have, or worked towards, when she got married. And it did take her a while to leave her marriage because its not always as easy to leave as people seem to think it is, but separate she eventually did. I recall her telling me that her counsellor asked her - do you want help with the leaving process or do you want help with being able to live in the situation from a stronger position. She thought she wanted the latter but it was all part of her complete and utter lack of self esteem , and once into the lets build me up and make me able to stay she had a moment where she just said to her counsellor, I'm not doing this, I want out. What she was going to have to do to herself to be able to stay was too much even for her. edited by DesertRose1958 on 11/05/2014 ETA - there is also this site, Ive seen it mentioned a few times on gransnet of all places. I think it goes down the same lines as Relate but it just uses different language. I found the site for you and just clicked on a topic on the right hand side of the page as the main page could be a bit off putting I think. http://chumplady.com/2012/07/five-things-that-keep-you-stuck-with-a-cheater/ <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 11/05/2014</em>