19 April 2015
| Last updated on 19 April 2015
The Dark Side: Long Distance Relationships
Being an expat is considered one of the greatest and most advantageous experiences in one’s life. You are able to live life to the fullest, try new things, meet different people and maybe even pick up a language or two. It seems like the perfect lifestyle, however, it also has a dark side: long-distance relationships.
If you decide to make the move and go abroad for a while and you are in a relationship, the dilemma soon starts. Should you break up or stay in the relationship or simply put it “on hold”? Or what if, the other way around, you lived abroad and met someone there but now you have to leave to go home or somewhere new?
On the one hand, embarking on an adventure abroad, many young couples decide to end the relationship in order to be able to enjoy expat life to the fullest. On the other hand, it seems like the majority of expats living in foreign countries have, one way or another, had a relationship with a local.
Either way, what to do when you have to make the decision for or against a long-distance relationship? Does it even work? Is it worth it?
My personal story begins with my year at a university in sunny California where I met a Korean exchange student. He was handsome, open-minded and extremely charming. No wonder that it didn’t take us long to start a relationship! After his time in California had come to an end, he moved back to South Korea to do his last semester of his Business Administration’s degree. However, for us it was clear that we would continue our relationship and date long-distance despite the fact that this kind of relationship might be the toughest one to lead to success... And problems soon started to appear. In the end, we still made it and are now happily engaged. And here’s how:
Time Difference Galore
One of the most obvious things you have to cope with is the time difference between you and your love. Depending on what end of the world you are, it can be longer or shorter. However, short time differences don’t make it easier. I spent 1 month apart from my fiancé with a time difference of 3 hours between West and East coast of the US. It had been one of the hardest times. When he woke up, I already ate lunch and was heading out. When I came back, he was still out doing his stuff and so on and so forth. The longest difference we had to deal with was 15 hours between California and South Korea which was pretty terrible also. However, nothing’s impossible and you soon develop a certain routine.
| Tip: Try to establish a steady routine of things you can do or times you can talk to each other. Maybe you can wake your partner up in the morning if you are ahead in time or vice versa? On the weekends, you can still do couple activities like watching a movie because time doesn’t really matter! |
The Issue with Trust
This one’s a tough one because no matter if you are near or far – it is a relationship killer. But living in different parts of the world makes it a lot harder to develop trust because you cannot physically be together at any time. If your partner tells you he or she is going out with some friends to see a movie, they could also be going out partying…
| Tip: It’s essential to talk about limits from the very beginning. What can and can’t you do and what do you expect from your partner? However, keep in mind that you both still need social contacts and meeting friends is a normal thing to do in one’s free time. Don’t consume 100% of your partner’s time or it might get ugly and don’t doubt your partner without any great reason. |
Losing Interest in Each Other
Some couples claim that the longer you are apart from each other, the more they lose interest and get bored with one another. This leads to breaking up and moving on. The key is to still keep the relationship “exciting” and cherish the time together. Think of things you liked doing as a couple when you were together and try to make them work over the phone or Internet. Me and my fiancé really love movies nights or watching a show regularly. One of our favorites is “The Walking Dead” because it features an AMWF couple (portrayed by Steven Yeun and Lauren Cohen). We set up our Skype video session and use the “share your screen” option to make the screen visible to the partner. Then, we watch the show together. I love discussing scenes and some characters’ decisions wih my fiancé.
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Despite all the obstacles, we have been able to keep up our relationships. Fights, of course, do happen but you have to put them aside to achieve the great goal: a future together. Talking about your personal goals and feelings with your partner is essential in a long-distance relationship.
Set a Goal for the Two of You
I have found that the best way to manage long distances and months apart is to have a set goal in front of you. Maybe you decide to spend Christmas together or you are planning on flying in for your partner’s birthday. These little things are great milestones to look forward to. Additionally, make sure you set a future end to the long-distance relationship. How long do you have to be apart before you can take the next step to move together or at least be in the same city? If you are in an relationship with “an open end”, it’s much harder to make it work.
Never lose faith and hope about your LDR. Even though many people don’t believe this type of relationship has a happy end, it certainly does for the people who try hard, are willing to compromise and know what they want.
About the Author:
Linda is a German/American expat living in China. During university in California, she met her Korean fiancé Jeongsu whom she is now dating long-distance. The two are planning to move together in 2015, when Linda will take on a teaching position in South Korea. Get more advice about long-distance and interracial relationships, travel, living abroad and language learning on her blog Linda Living in China.
