Aaawww, I really feel for you. As many EWs have said, do meet the parents, and yes, please drop her right in to the apartment and meet as many of the attendees as possible. A big hug to you. I've been there, done that, got out unsinged phew! But I know how like a landmine this particular decision making process can be :)
Just want to add this though - the work towards facing a yes or no decision about this one party, or teaching our kids to resist temptations, or instilling in them the self worth and leadership skills to say no to their peers, actually begins sometimein their early toddlerhood. Teenagers are difficult under the best of circumstances. Imagine under the worst.. So once you get this party over with, please resolve to talk to her more regularly on things that matter to HER. We may think we already do, but I was surprised to discover how far off the mark I was. Small changes in tone and body language make a world of difference. It involves changing our own mindsets on many matters. For eg, teenagers will have crushes. It's better that they feel free to discuss this stuff with you, than look outside for a confidante. It involves giving in on things that don't really matter - for me it was the damn hoverboard. I let my teenager have it under the condition that it can only be used in an enclosed space with no traffic or pedestrians. And I was shocked to learn that's exactly how he had intended to use it anyway! - and only hold on to the one or two things that truly matter, especially if they involve her safety and security. She'll get that. It's a gradual process, so please don't lose patience. By and by, you'll find her understanding that you're making these decisions WITH her, and not AGAINST her. Lots of luck to you!
P. S - if she's asked YOU for permission, i suggest YOU grant it (or not) to her. Sure, it's very important that you consult with your husband. But let her grow up with the example of a strong, capable mother figure who doesn't shy away from the decision making process (nor defers to her father), along with a supportive father figure.. :)
