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How to advise my friend

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 15 February 2011 - 15:16

My friend is not oblivious about her being selfish. I am not sure whether she is aware or not about the son's condition prior to her marriage as they both met in a different country and she didn't meet the son until after their marriage. Both children have been living with the wife after the divorce while the hsbd has been living abroad. She told me that if there was any indication that THIS could take place, she wouldn't have married her hsbd. I feel sad esp for her hsbd and I do think she is making a big mistake. I have to be careful with my words though. We have been good friends for years and dont want to lose the friendship even when apart of me want to smack some sense into her.

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 15 February 2011 - 14:58

I tend to agree. Whilst I havent experienced a similar situation myself, as they say if you marry someone you also marry their kids if they have them. Living with someone with Aspergers could be challenging however the boy is 18 as you said and surely is able to take care of himself for the most part. I do know someone who suffers from this and it is a difficult condition to understand and can offend people, but they can function quite normally. I wouldnt consider it a serious disability but more a condition that you learn to control. Every case is different though I guess. This could strain your friends marriage bringing his son into the home however if there marriage is strong enough they will withstand the challenges. Being asked to choose between a wife and child is only going to drive the husband away. I would suggest, if she wants her marriage to last that she considers his position and gives it a chance, researches aspergers and learns to live with the boy, knowing that it is not forever.

ChiggyWiggy19268

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 15 February 2011 - 14:55

It seems like she is being really selfish and holding a grudge against the child because of what went on in the past with the ex wife. Especially when the son is suffering from Aspergers !!

borntobefree28515

108

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 February 2011 - 14:54

Bottom Line: this is his son, she is a wife. The son came first, the son comes first. You can replace a wife, you can't replace a child. . Well said.... your friend has no point t all... :(

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EW GURU

Latest post on 15 February 2011 - 14:51

This is a very tricky situation. It depends on how serious the son's Asbergers is, but this can be a very wearing condition for the carers involved. Disregarding the way your friend feels about the ex, if she has been the main carer for the whole of her son's life, then she is entitled to a break, and after all, the son does have two parents, regardless of whether they get on or not. Your friend knew that her new husband had a son with Asbergers from the time she married him (I'm guessing) so she perhaps should have realised that this situation would arise at some stage. However, your friend is right to be concerned about the impact that this will have on her life. If the son does come to stay, the father has to put in place arrangements that suit all of them otherwise the situation will just not work.

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 February 2011 - 14:48

Your friend was aware that when she married her husband he had kids and that there could always be a possiblilty that they may wish/need to come live with their father. It seems like she is being really selfish and holding a grudge against the child because of what went on in the past with the ex wife. I honestly don't think she has a choice in the matter if she wants to keep her husband she needs to let the child stay.

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