Tandem Nursing Qu

Sandy1784

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Latest post on 26 September 2011 - 13:30

Hi Ladies

Advice/assistance is required from anyone in the know or anyone who has been in the same position. I have trawled the internet as best I can but coming up trumps with everything I find.

I am currently still BFing DS1 who is 22mths old. I am now also feeding DS2 who is 6 weeks old. DS2 feeding really well and is very happy, content and (touch wood) a good sleeper. DS1 has never been a good sleeper and to date still wakes up every 3 hours or so, sometimes even sooner. DS1 co-sleeps with us and DS2 sleeps in cot next to bed.

I BF DS1 throughout my pregnancy and for the last 6 months he was only feeding 1st thing in the morning, at nap time then again just before bedtime. However, since DS2's arrival he is super jealous whenever I sit to feed him and tries to jump on top of me demanding he be fed instead. He is also now waking in the night and requesting to be fed every time (which I'd weaned him off previously), which can be 3 or 4 times in the night. If he doesn't get his own way he proceeds to scream the place down and in turn wakes DS2. Now, I can handle the screaming during the day but I really struggle not to lose my temper (I know, bad mother!) in the middle of the night due to the fact that he wakes DS2 and I'm shattered. DS1 used to be consoled happily by DH prior to DS2's arrival but now he's not good enough and only I will do.

The problem is what do I do when they're both us in the middle of the night? DS2 is a really good sleeper and only wakes twice in the night for a feed and then goes straight back down again apart from on the odd occasion when he's a bit windy or has the hiccups. DS1 just screams until I'm back in bed, facing him and giving him my undivided attention. To date am not giving in to his BFing demands in the middle of the night as it was so hard to stop this last time but I'm currently on my own as DH is travelling and can'tdivide myself into two when they're both crying and apart from ending up a quivering wreck in the corner I'm not sure what to do.

Would love any help or advice on how to wean DS1 completely or what to do to appease him whilst I'm feeding DS2. I've tried cuddles and reading or eating but all of this only diverts his attention for a few minutes then he's back pulling at my top again! How do I keep them both happy without going mad???

Looking forward to any helpful hints and words of advice before I go completely insane! :-)

Hello.Again.Kitty

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Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 16:00

Thanks HAK, I really don't know how you manage to find the time to play agony aunt to everyone on here! I shouldn't really because I have so much on my own plate as it is... I may have to seek help for it before long... a proper addiction! It'll pass though... one of these days I'll just wean myself off and HK's Top Tips will be a thing of the past! One thing my health visitor said, which was very apt, is that it generally takes about 6-8 weeks for Eldest to realise that bubs is here to stay, so that point is very much the climax of the jealous behaviour... it does get better though!

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Sandy1784

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Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 14:48

Thanks HAK, I really don't know how you manage to find the time to play agony aunt to everyone on here! DS1 was really becoming quite independent at the beginning of this year, which coincided with the beginning of my pregnancy, but as the bump grew he started to become more clingy, day and night, no matter what I did and just seems to have gotten worse since the arrival of DS2. I have had a good long think about things and think I will ride out the storm until the new year as we have visitors in November and then we'll be back in the UK for xmas so it'll just be more upheaval for him if I do manage to sort anything out. I think that maybe waiting until we're back here in the new year would be the best bet. Hopefully by then he'll have learnt that DS2 is definitely here to stay and he'll be able to communicate a little better too. Thanks again!

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Hello.Again.Kitty

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Latest post on 26 September 2011 - 19:22

It's really tricky, Sandy... I mean, I purposefully changed DD's sleeping arrangements a couple of months before Ds's birth because I'd been warned to avoid change when the new baby was around to avoid the older one putting 2+2 together and resenting the baby even more. I know this isn't at all helpful to you, but basically, it looks as if you're going to have to either ride the storm until things seem to settle a bit or prepare for battle, so to speak (maybe literally)... Maybe you could try having #1 in his own bed beside yours as a transition, simply to have that bit of independence and so that your movements won't register as much. You mentioned that he refuses to go to sleep with anyone else? Does that mean that he also shares your bedtime? I wonder if he's just also overtired if that's the case. There are so many issues really that need to be addressed... I think you need to decide whether you want to cope or to crack it. From what you say, it sounds like he is really, really dependant on you, both day and night from a purely emotional point of view, which can only be knackering for you. Maybe start by stepping back and looking at how you've developed that relationship... maybe that will give some clues as to how to take small steps towards greater independence.

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Sandy1784

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Latest post on 26 September 2011 - 15:27

@ HAK Even though we're all sleeping in the same room I am only feeding DS2 in the bedroom at the moment as DH is travelling for work, before his departure I've been coming out into the living room and doing all the changing and feeding there then sneaking back in again. The problem is that within 10 mins of me leaving the bed DS1 somehow senses this and wakes up, no matter what time of the night it is! I'm all for stopping the co-sleeping with DS1 as would love my bed back but can't cope with the screaming involved so any suggestions on how to get him in a big bed are more than welcome. He's not yet talking but does understand almost everything I say to him. Part of the problem is that he outright refuses to go to sleep with anyone else, and that's not just because of the feeding. I was hoping the night or two I had in hospital might have helped but the fact I came back with DS2 only made DS1 even more clingy! Once again, any input whatsoever will be very much appreciated!

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Sandy1784

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Latest post on 26 September 2011 - 15:21

Thanks ashc, where are you based as I may just take you up on your offer! I did take him to Fun Square at Times Square yesterday to tire him out and after 45 mins of running around he came and sat in the pram, buckled himself in and told me to put his shoes on. The little mite won't even sit in the pram for more than 10 mins when we're out shopping!!

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Hello.Again.Kitty

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Latest post on 26 September 2011 - 14:54

Aww, it sounds as if you're doing all the right things and during the day it's kind of working (I think there are always going to be jealousy issues at feeding time with children so close together - there were with my two and DD had stopped bf-ing quite some time beforehand)... the thing is, I can't think of any solution for your nights, because you're all co-sleeping (or at least sleeping in the same room) and so night-feeds are rather disruptive to all concerned... so with jealous toddler observing what was once his exclusive mummy-cuddles time, there's just no way it's not going to kick off. The only suggestion I could make is to think about separating them at night... or feeding elsewhere, so that no feeding happens in bed or even in the bedroom. I guess it would be less disruptive in general, but extra faff for you... and you'd have to hope that DS1 stays put in bed while you feed #2 in the lounge, or somewhere. It's either that, or stopping the co-sleeping, if you think that is the crux or the problem, or compounding it too much. I'm not saying it is or isn't, but sometimes circumstances or situations change, and we have to reassess things and objectively ask ourselves if that particular approach is still working. I think you also have to consider what's fair for both children and match your solution to their individual (real) needs.

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ashc17787

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Latest post on 26 September 2011 - 13:55

Oh Sandy! I can imagine how tough that must be. I don't have any hints ( Sorry, is it annoying that I'm posting then?) but wanted to give you a big hug! I have a 21 month old DD too and they are not easy to handle. You are welcome come on over and the kids can have a play and maybe that'l exhaust him so you can get a good nights rest. Good luck!

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