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DD hurt anyone kid in nursery. Etiquette..?

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77

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 January 2011 - 21:50

Thanks Hello.Kitty. you're post made me feel a bit more normal! Today i needed to run some errands so my mum said she'd babysit. She was delayed so my in laws maid watched her till my mother reached. Apparently she was good as gold, a complete angel for the whole time i was out... until about 30 minutes into me getting back! :'( As nice as it is to hear that she is good with other people, i would love to have some of that too! She got herself in such a state by bed time where she wouldn't even let me touch her that i had to shut her in the room for a minute at a time to scream it out (obviously there wasnt anything she could hurt herself on). Eventually she started screaming "i love you mummy" "i want you mummy" so we sat down and had cuddles (and i secretly had a little cry too! Hormones!) My mothers friend said that as much loving positive attention you throw on her, it seems she is getting something out of this negative attention. As for the biting, earlier in the day i had to tell her off for something. She got clearly frustrated, and bit the paper she was holding in her hands so i know its not intended to hurt the person, its a way she's found to release that feeling of frustration...we'll get there... just sooner rather than later i hope!

Hello.Kitty24027

192

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 January 2011 - 11:15

Well, 4 days later she bit another little boy! Apparently they were drawing, he took her picture and wouldn't give it back so she bit him. the teacher looked far more serious when she came out to tell me. She wasnt there at the time so the kids were just with the assistant and i feel that, had the teacher been there, this would have been the perfect opportunity for DD to see there was another way to get her picture back as the teacher would have been able to intervene... DD came out of the class, i asked her what she had done that day and she told me playing, painting and that she bit. She said she likes nursery so the teacher said she can't go again if she bites. In the past i've told her off properly when she did it but then after wouldn't talk about it directly because i didn't want to give the act attention. But this time i spoke to her in the school and then when we got home. I honestly don't know what to do other than show her that it doesn't make me happy and tell her its bad and wrong. We're still at my in laws so i think i'll just have to take a bit of a chance and move home. She's really been acting up - feels like we're telling her off from morning till night. I get nervous if i have to take her anywhere with me because she just seems to refuse to listen - something that i miss because since she was born she came everywhere with me. in fact the morning of the day i first got admitted into hospital she threw the most disgusting tantrum in the supermarket that resulted in me carrying her literally kicking and screaming to the car - the doctors think this triggered everything :( i get anxious at the idea of playdates in case she doesn't "play nice". Its tearing me up because when she's a good girl she's the sweetest, most loving. Sorry, i've gone on and on... time to sign off! Aww, bless you! DD had a horrid hitting phase when she just turned 2 - I was mortified and like you, hesitated to take her out. I had to watch her like a hawk and found that the trick was to intervene just before she was likely to act. Not like jumping in and prising her away, but if I felt the moment was coming, I'd just go and sit next to her and ask her about whet she was playing with, saying hello the the child next to her and saying what lovely sharing was going on. If I didn't manage to get there in time, I would tell her that hitting wasn't acceptable, that she should use words instead and that she had to say sorry to X for hitting. If she refused (which she did to start off with), I would take her to one side to time out, then take her back to say sorry. If she didn't do it, or hit out again, we'd leave. Only threaten to do things that you are willing to carry through, and once you do, stand by what you say, even if it means screaming and sulking all the way home. Talk to the teacher about the approach they have to biting, and trust that they will manage it properly at the time. Children are a bit like dogs and need to be told off (or praised) as soon as the event occurs in order for them to register cause and effect. When DD tells me about events that happen at nursery, I always ask "and what did your teacher say?" to which she replies x, y or z... and so I say "And she was right to say that" Always bear in mind that she will change... at some point. :\: My DD still throws amazing tantrums, but has learnt that she can express herself effectively with words instead of punches... apart from with one little boy at nursery who she has a very feisty relationship with. We were talking about it yesterday and she declared that they weren't friends, they were going to get married! lol

77

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 15 January 2011 - 10:55

Well, 4 days later she bit another little boy! Apparently they were drawing, he took her picture and wouldn't give it back so she bit him. the teacher looked far more serious when she came out to tell me. She wasnt there at the time so the kids were just with the assistant and i feel that, had the teacher been there, this would have been the perfect opportunity for DD to see there was another way to get her picture back as the teacher would have been able to intervene... DD came out of the class, i asked her what she had done that day and she told me playing, painting and that she bit. She said she likes nursery so the teacher said she can't go again if she bites. In the past i've told her off properly when she did it but then after wouldn't talk about it directly because i didn't want to give the act attention. But this time i spoke to her in the school and then when we got home. I honestly don't know what to do other than show her that it doesn't make me happy and tell her its bad and wrong. We're still at my in laws so i think i'll just have to take a bit of a chance and move home. She's really been acting up - feels like we're telling her off from morning till night. I get nervous if i have to take her anywhere with me because she just seems to refuse to listen - something that i miss because since she was born she came everywhere with me. in fact the morning of the day i first got admitted into hospital she threw the most disgusting tantrum in the supermarket that resulted in me carrying her literally kicking and screaming to the car - the doctors think this triggered everything :( i get anxious at the idea of playdates in case she doesn't "play nice". Its tearing me up because when she's a good girl she's the sweetest, most loving. Sorry, i've gone on and on... time to sign off!

1236

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 14 January 2011 - 23:30

My DD was a scratcher! She did it to DH and I too until we did the old fashioned thing and did it back to her! NO I'm not advocating it of course but she never did it again! I apparently used to spit as a toddler!!!! What a little charmer I was and I got many a sore backside for it until my mum realised that I was copying my grandfather who used to spit into the fire as many industrial working men did back then in the dark ages!!. He worked with old fashioned steam trains and had a lung full of soot until the day he died poor man!!

Servants Quarte...

384

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 16:50

SQ - she is 2 and i have explained to her that we use our teeth to eat etc (trying a new NLP approach where we don't use words like 'don't' as it highlights the act that we dont want etc) Hello.Kitty - my SIL said the same thing, that its social boundries... she feels its not to do with the changes that have been going on... i dunno. Dropped her off this morning and there was a little boy arriving at the same time. i introduced myself to the mother and sure enough it was that mother of the boy she bit. i couldn't not say anything. The kids went in so i apologized and she was very sweet about it... it did seem that she knew already that it was my daughter that did it so i'm definitely glad i spoke to her. Fingers crossed this morning goes ok!!! Good news, I am sure you feel better. At the age of 2 it is hard to explain. A boy bit DS when they were 2 years old, and I was furious, not at the boy but at his mothers response. She told him off and then he started bawling, and so she bought him an ice cream to calm him down (we were all in McDonalds). I really felt that the other kids should have been the only ones to get the ice cream and he should have had none, then he would have understood. Anyway, it is a hard call.

3220

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 16:01

These things happen. Just remind DD not to slap other people. Just a shot in the dark here... Did my DD slap your DS today at nursery? No. :)

Hello.Kitty24027

192

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 15:51

These things happen. Just remind DD not to slap other people. Just a shot in the dark here... Did my DD slap your DS today at nursery?

3220

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 15:41

These things happen. Just remind DD not to slap other people.

Hello.Kitty24027

192

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 15:39

DD's nursery are careful not to mention names when an incident happens, but when one did (quite serious with DD as the "victim" although I'm sure she wasn't totally innocent") she blurted out the whole story, including the little boy's name on the way home!

77

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 11:00

(just seen the thread title...oops! Should be "DD hurt another kid...")

77

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 08:58

SQ - she is 2 and i have explained to her that we use our teeth to eat etc (trying a new NLP approach where we don't use words like 'don't' as it highlights the act that we dont want etc) Hello.Kitty - my SIL said the same thing, that its social boundries... she feels its not to do with the changes that have been going on... i dunno. Dropped her off this morning and there was a little boy arriving at the same time. i introduced myself to the mother and sure enough it was that mother of the boy she bit. i couldn't not say anything. The kids went in so i apologized and she was very sweet about it... it did seem that she knew already that it was my daughter that did it so i'm definitely glad i spoke to her. Fingers crossed this morning goes ok!!!

Servants Quarte...

384

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 10 January 2011 - 06:54

Don't worry about the other parent, the school are used to handling these things. If your DD is over 2 yrs old then you really must speak to her about this and explain as best you can. It will pass quickly and everyone will forget it soon. Babies do these things.

Hello.Kitty24027

192

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 09 January 2011 - 22:56

don't beat yourself up about it - it's not your fault at all! I think you quite possibly feel all the more mortified because you do feel a teensy bit of guilt, which is completely unnecessary! It's all part of children working out their own social boundaries and learning from their experiences. Just reinforce good behaviour when an incident happens and help them along that learning path.

77

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 09 January 2011 - 22:51

thanks for the replies ladies. i nearly burst into tears when the teacher was talking to me (she was very sweet though). There have been a lot of changes at home over the last few months - since her birth i have never left her for a day, let alone a night. in the last 2 months i have been taken into hospital 3 times rather suddenly (not that even if i explained to her she would've understood properly) and now that i'm home can't be as physical with her at all... and we're not even home. We're with my inlaws. She's so good at articulating herself mashallah and WAS a biter... perhaps all this change has brought back old habits :(

elephantrjm9950

19

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 09 January 2011 - 21:59

My children have bitten and been bitten. Unfortunately, it happens with nursery age children. Hopefully, the other parent will realise that - the nursery should communicate this to them anyway. I would only speak to the parent about it if they approach you - which is unlikely - and then reassure them that you are horrified and are trying to teach your daughter not to hurt other children. It's horrible when it's your child, but it is a normal part of development for some. Hello Kitty's response is very sensible. Try not to worry. It's great that your daughter is settling in well.

Hello.Kitty24027

192

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 09 January 2011 - 19:32

Both children have probably forgotten the incident already, so bringing it up again would probably do more harm than good. Hopefully the nursery will have dealt with it appropriately at the time and will have acted professionally by not naming and shaming. Children sometimes go through a biting/ pushing/ hitting phase when their verbal communication doesn't quite match their emotional development, for example, they may push instead of saying "you're too close to me and I don't like it. Please move away". Also, when there's a group of children in a class, there will be many such incidents, sometimes a child will be on the receiving end and sometimes they'll be dishing it out. The best way forward is to teach them to communicate properly using words and to not make a big fuss of such incidents.

77

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 09 January 2011 - 19:09

DD has just started last week and settled in really well from day 1. I went to pick her up today and the teacher came out to tell me she had bit another child! I'm very upset about it and wondering how to handle it now with the mother of the boy. I've never met her before and pick up/drop off is always so quick... do i hang around and apologize to her? Do i write i note and ask the teacher to pass it on? Or do i leave it? DH worried i'll make it a bigger deal than it already is... :s TIA

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