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Confused about priorities

84

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 12:50

I am fighting a losing battle here.....as a mother of twins on the autistic spectrum, time and again, I come to a point where I am accused of neglecting my husband. I am a working mother and like to spend the evenings with my children and they need me. But I can clearly see my marriage suffering. If I focus on kids, my husband is drifting apart and we are constantly fighting and now there is a space as he does not seem to see the need to be with the kids all the time. I don't want to talk to anyone about this as it will only complicate matters, but I am really facing a tough time. Has anyone faced this?

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103

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 February 2011 - 17:03

Thank you ladies. Guess I need to keep both balanced here. I keep worrying that I am not doing enough for my kids and then go too deep into that phase. Have a date night once a week. Just the two of you. Get the kids down to sleep first, leave them with a babysitter and go out for dinner or drinks or bowling or anything that lets you spend time with jsut eachother where you can just talk without being interupted. You may be parents but you are also people, a husband and a wife. good luck

84

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 14 February 2011 - 16:03

Thank you ladies. Guess I need to keep both balanced here. I keep worrying that I am not doing enough for my kids and then go too deep into that phase.

5400

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 17:04

AV, I take my hat off to you, you sound as though you're doing a great job in difficult circumstances. But my feeling is, when you have children, you surely become a whole family unit and act as such? You're not a couple in isolation any more, you are a family. Why should anyone have to balance their time between their children and their spouse and feel that if they are nurturing their children, they are neglecting their spouse? Particularly in this case, where, depending on the scale of the autism, the twins may reach adulthood but still have to be cared for at home. Sounds to me as if it is more important for AV to have some time to herself than for her to have to pussyfoot round her husband who's not participating fully in family life.

704

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 13:47

Very informative thread I must say. And I agree with KB100 that time just flies when your kids are young and when they reach their teens they hardly want u around. Thats the problem I'm facing...Its important to balance your time between your kids and your spouse. Wish u all the best...

181

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 13:38

When your kids grow up you will realise they are only with you for a short time, you will wonder where that time went. You sound very over stretched - I have been there and my remedy was to cut my working hours. This made time for my kids and husband whilst still being in a working environment. A maid doing all the chores and you spending quality time with your kids will make everyone happy then when your husband gets home from work you can spend quality time with him also. When you are stretched to the limit and tired out this makes you unhappy and rubs off on the whole family. I hope things work out for you.

231

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 13:29

Big Hugs to you. I cant imagine how difficult this must be for you. My DD is almost a year old and was a preemie. I work as well and would make it my mission in life to be with her once I got home until she went to bed. My relationship with my husband did suffer as he said not only was I neglecting him but myself as well. Leaving her to go out or spending time away from her does fill me with a lot of guilt, but I do make it a point to cook him a special meal every week and we go out together at least once a week. Just that effort to show him that he is still important to me has made him happier and as a result he himself spends more time with our DD (now to the extent that I am feeling neglected!).

Water baby11058

205

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 13:24

You sound like superwoman to me! Can you get someone to help with their care - even if only for one day or night a week, so that you can spend time with DH? Or what about a maid to help with cleaning etc? I don't have kids, but there are times (many times!) when I am fed up with DH not helping with housework etc when we both work long hours, and always remind myself of a little saying: 'Your husband would rather come home to happy wife, than a perfectly made bed.'

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 13:16

Your husband is also part of your family and as Sue said, he was with you long before children made their appearance. Realise too that there are only so many hours in the day and only so much you can cram in, even with the best will in the world. You mentioned priorities - maybe it's a good time to reconsider your own and try and find a new balance that works for everyone.

1403

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 13:05

Can't offer much advice as I have no idea how it is with twins let alone on the autistic spectrum. Of course you need to spend quality time with your kids and DH spends quality time with them too, I hope. But please don't forget about your DH either. I would like to think even with autistic twins there can still be a good balance between family time and parent time. Our bub is in bed by 7pm every night without fail, after that its our adult time to spend with each other. I think its very very important to have time with just you and your hubby without the kids. Hope you can find a happy medium. Big hugs, I am sure you are doing the very best you can and you sound like a wonderful mum!! <em>edited by shellly on 10/02/2011</em>

2262

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 13:04

a wise person told me a long time ago that your children are with you for so long then they start their own lives. Your spouce however was there before the children and will be there after the children. It is the after the children when it is realized the marriage was neglected because of the children. Find time to spend with your husband, maybe have a date night where your focus is only on him. I would imagine having autistic twins would be very draining and you also need time for relaxation so you can be a happy mother :). Have a special person relieve you one night a week that knows how to handle autistic children??? Do, more things together as a family...honestly, I am just a retired mum lol...just some thoughts that might help :)

374

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 12:59

Is your DH not involved with you and the kids in the evening? Sorry, i dont have children but I always thought that evening times would be split in our home between family time until the kids go to bed, and then adult time after that...?

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