Cold Feet on Hot Sand | ExpatWoman.com
 

Cold Feet on Hot Sand

271
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 18:33

I'm waay too nervous to move. DH had decided to interview with a few places just to see what his UAE market value was while were out there and has decided to stay with our current company, and they have offered him the chance of staying here in London for another 14 months before we really have to move, but we would have to travel a heck of a lot.

DH thinks we should move over sooner rather than later and I just can't bring myself to do it. It seems like a lovely social place, and all of you really make me excited about the prospect of actually having friends...but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I don't feel emotionally secure about a move this big.

Am I being irrational?

2262
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 19:47
Sometimes a LifeCoach can help make the decisions easier to manage and help you think of things you did not think of....your whole family has been through trauma, including your husband and it could be, he will handle it 'bandaid'style because he really does not know of any other way to support you? I think it could possibly help in the way of approaching him to ask him how he has felt about the whole thing since your parents deaths and the road directions suddenly changing when no one was prepared? You both also have a special needs child and now added family responsibilities that the both of you (as he is your husband, better or worse :)) have to deal with, the boulder to circumvent have gotten bigger but not unsurmountable. It will take time, so give yourselves the time you need, other opportunities will come along.
271
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 19:37
alright ladies, thank you for re-assuring my current feelings. it's true, we've been through some mighty changes lately and i am learning to be a mommy now. DH just feels like everything should be dealt with like 'band aids' just rip it off and go with the flow, but to be fair I've been unsure of how I wanted to handle this whole move from the start. Now that I know that I want to take it much much slower than he does, we should be able to come up with a fair decision. I feel like my hesitations have been all over the place with this decision and it's best for me to pick a choice and stick with it...there really isn't much of a conversation if I'm not sure of what to say.
867
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EW GURU
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 15:54
Here is what scares me the most, these thoughts induce crazy panic: Not finding adequate speech and language therapy assistance for my son when we finally settle down (doesn't affect when we move) DS going to nursery and under their care he eats something he is allergic to--and the epi pen i've showed them all how to use isn't used consistency of schools and their staff--will he just be ignored and left to 'get on with it' DS and sister going into the schooling systems and come out worse off then when they went in My sisters visa situation, her managing to get trafficked/kidnapped or worse fall in love with an idiot while she considers herself 'vulnerable' and absolves herself from most responsibility and common sense My husband is the most irresponsible man I know when it comes to credit cards/bank payments--- jail--- I don't want to go! We don't overspend, but *he* does get careless, so every month when I do have a moment spare I go through all the finances again. (it's usually his job)...sometimes though, there just aren't enough hours in the day. based on this I would not move I agree as well.......what is unique to Dubai is that even the smallest of things can tip you over the edge :\: and if you are worried about the above things as well, it will just be too stressful for you. Give everything much more time.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 15:52
Dear GoldinGlitterPunk...........I have read quite a few of your posts.........I believe I am right in thinking that you and your siblings very recently lost both your parents? Quite apart from the stress of suddenly becoming overnight, the responsible adult for several other young, wounded and vulnerable people, you share their same catastrophic grief. On top of which you are a relatively young mother of a child who has some developmental delay? And, you are considering moving to one of the world's most unforgiving cities..........you may feel you have made many friends, and perhaps a few of the people you have swapped posts with wil actually materialise in real time, but please remember EW is just cyberspace. Please, please do not for a moment think that Dubai will be an easier or better place than where you are......and please, give yourself and your siblings a chance to grieve, and to readjust to a new reality, in the place where you are all at least reasonably settled and familiar. Take the time being offered, stay in London.......and just let the dust settle on your lives. There will be time enough for adventures later. Wise words Trish. I agree completely. I'm not sure how long it has been since you lost your parents but I lost my Dad in the summer and everyone tells me that the first year is the hardest. I think you need to have time to grieve, time to readjust your life where you are and doing a big move is perhaps not right for you at this time. If my DH compay offered to delay the move I would jump at that. OK so your DH might have to travel - but at least it gives you some breathing space. Your little one will benefit from another year of therapy - if he's already started on a programme I would stick with it. You may well find that in 14 months time you are looking at a very different situation with him and his speech problems might be much improved. You will get far more/better support in the UK on this than over here. Tough few days ahead for you but you are right to raise these issues - sit down with your DH and really really cover off all of your feelings with him. Good luck.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 15:01
I agree with LT and the others. To be coping with what you are at the moment is amazing but imo the very last thing you want to be considering at the moment is leaving your comfort zone. Yes Dubai can be an exciting adventure for all of you but the practicalities of actually making it happen can be challenging even for people without all of your considerations. We've been here just 5 months and have been lucky that so many things just dropped into place, but husband had already been here for a year so schools and accommodation was a lot easier. Again, have been lucky with the children settling so well into school. Your particular concerns are significant imo, namely your LO's education and your husband's money sense. You CANNOT be making mistakes with your finances here and for some the red tape can be overwhelming... Print this thread off, arrange some uninterrupted "couple time", open a bottle and sit down and discuss it properly - you really do need to be on the same page.. Wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide, and don't forget, you can always be a part of EW - wherever you live :) x
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 13:52
Here is what scares me the most, these thoughts induce crazy panic: Not finding adequate speech and language therapy assistance for my son when we finally settle down (doesn't affect when we move) DS going to nursery and under their care he eats something he is allergic to--and the epi pen i've showed them all how to use isn't used consistency of schools and their staff--will he just be ignored and left to 'get on with it' DS and sister going into the schooling systems and come out worse off then when they went in My sisters visa situation, her managing to get trafficked/kidnapped or worse fall in love with an idiot while she considers herself 'vulnerable' and absolves herself from most responsibility and common sense My husband is the most irresponsible man I know when it comes to credit cards/bank payments--- jail--- I don't want to go! We don't overspend, but *he* does get careless, so every month when I do have a moment spare I go through all the finances again. (it's usually his job)...sometimes though, there just aren't enough hours in the day. based on this I would not move I completely agree. Gosh, those are some pretty deal-breaker issues and to put it bluntly, you will not find nurseries or schools here equipped for providing for your son. I'm sure you've also gathered, if someone has difficulty being disciplined with money in the UK, then Dubai is going to be impossible. That's not an exaggeration either. I don't think it's the right moment for you. You have your whole life ahead of you for amazing experiences, but Dubai is not where it's going to be for the moment. Just as important as adding adventure to your life, is the ability to settle, take your foot off the pedal and find a bit of peace.
2043
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 12:07
GGP, you have my phone number - if you want to talk things through with me I am happy to chat. But if it's worth anything I totally 100% agree with LT (and some of the others). Big hugs to you, I think you are one of the most sensible, brave and gutsy girls around, and that you should stay in London and leave being an expat for another 5 years. CP xxx
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 11:53
I think L Trish is spot on. You've had a lot to contend with in the family for the past year and I don't think, from what you've already said, that another upheaval is going to help. Forgive me if I'm wrong and have got the wrong person, but when you first posted here, it was going to be a huge adventure with both you and your husband working and lots of opportunities for a "New Start" for the whole family. Now, your priorities have changed and you have decided to give up work for the moment to concentrate on your son. Much better to get used to that situation in London, where it sounds as if you will have more help for him, so that by the time you do come to Dubai, your son may be speaking more fluently and you'll be happier about a new school for him here. Same goes for your sisters, they too need to readjust to the new family circumstances. You're all very fragile at the moment, don't add to your stress if you don't have to. I got the impression at the beginning you were looking at a move to Dubai as a way to escape the recent past - you don't want to make things worse for your family by being unhappy when you get here. Pause, as you find you can, take stock. Look after yourself as well as your family. I'm looking forward to meeting you when you finally arrive but for your sake, think it should be later, not sooner :)
Anonymous (not verified)
0
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 09:55
Here is what scares me the most, these thoughts induce crazy panic: Not finding adequate speech and language therapy assistance for my son when we finally settle down (doesn't affect when we move) DS going to nursery and under their care he eats something he is allergic to--and the epi pen i've showed them all how to use isn't used consistency of schools and their staff--will he just be ignored and left to 'get on with it' DS and sister going into the schooling systems and come out worse off then when they went in My sisters visa situation, her managing to get trafficked/kidnapped or worse fall in love with an idiot while she considers herself 'vulnerable' and absolves herself from most responsibility and common sense My husband is the most irresponsible man I know when it comes to credit cards/bank payments--- jail--- I don't want to go! We don't overspend, but *he* does get careless, so every month when I do have a moment spare I go through all the finances again. (it's usually his job)...sometimes though, there just aren't enough hours in the day. based on this I would not move
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 08:57
I think to move to a new country you need to be in the right place mentally and emotionally and ready to face the new change head on with confidence and a little excitement. First and foremost you and your DH need to be on the same page if deciding to move, doesn't sound like you guys are. I believe to move here you have to have a certain amount of strength to carry on once it starts to become tough... and it does get tough here. New surroundings, new people, new laws, new frustrations, new experiences - some good and some bad. Sounds like you have been through a h.e.l.l of a lot emotionally already and if I were you I would stay put in London to get through the difficulty and sadness of loosing your parents (:() and rebuild your strength. Once you are in a better place, emotionally, then you can consider a new adventure. In 14 months time this could be a great move for you and your family, a new exciting start. But for the moment my advice would be to stay surrounded by whats familiar to you and your family and friends. Good luck with your decision!
2262
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 05:58
LivelyTrish is very wise. I dont think her post could get any better :) Stay home for now, deal with now and you will know when it is time. Husband needs a bit of a chat :)
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 00:44
If in doubt DON'T!
271
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 February 2011 - 00:36
I think your right Livelytrish!
1340
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 23:44
Dear GoldinGlitterPunk...........I have read quite a few of your posts.........I believe I am right in thinking that you and your siblings very recently lost both your parents? Quite apart from the stress of suddenly becoming overnight, the responsible adult for several other young, wounded and vulnerable people, you share their same catastrophic grief. On top of which you are a relatively young mother of a child who has some developmental delay? And, you are considering moving to one of the world's most unforgiving cities..........you may feel you have made many friends, and perhaps a few of the people you have swapped posts with wil actually materialise in real time, but please remember EW is just cyberspace. Please, please do not for a moment think that Dubai will be an easier or better place than where you are......and please, give yourself and your siblings a chance to grieve, and to readjust to a new reality, in the place where you are all at least reasonably settled and familiar. Take the time being offered, stay in London.......and just let the dust settle on your lives. There will be time enough for adventures later. :) yeah, I feel like thats a big reason I just don't want to move right away. DH thinks that it might be better. I'm trying to decide if I have enough points to bring to the table or if I'm being childish and throwing a tantrum for no reason. No tantrum, just being reasonable...........tho it does sound as tho your DH can't cope with the reality of your situation....is he the one who wants run away to Eldorado? This huge and unexpected responsibility is a truly dreadful situation for both of you........but he married you, he needs to step up to the plate and stick by you, help shoulder the burden, and allow you space to mourn. Dubai will not solve anything for any of you. If anything, it will only add to the stress. Stay where you are, and take time and space so you can all start to heal. Very best wishes and good luck.
271
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 23:33
Dear GoldinGlitterPunk...........I have read quite a few of your posts.........I believe I am right in thinking that you and your siblings very recently lost both your parents? Quite apart from the stress of suddenly becoming overnight, the responsible adult for several other young, wounded and vulnerable people, you share their same catastrophic grief. On top of which you are a relatively young mother of a child who has some developmental delay? And, you are considering moving to one of the world's most unforgiving cities..........you may feel you have made many friends, and perhaps a few of the people you have swapped posts with wil actually materialise in real time, but please remember EW is just cyberspace. Please, please do not for a moment think that Dubai will be an easier or better place than where you are......and please, give yourself and your siblings a chance to grieve, and to readjust to a new reality, in the place where you are all at least reasonably settled and familiar. Take the time being offered, stay in London.......and just let the dust settle on your lives. There will be time enough for adventures later. :) yeah, I feel like thats a big reason I just don't want to move right away. DH thinks that it might be better. I'm trying to decide if I have enough points to bring to the table or if I'm being childish and throwing a tantrum for no reason.
271
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 23:30
Here is what scares me the most, these thoughts induce crazy panic: Not finding adequate speech and language therapy assistance for my son when we finally settle down (doesn't affect when we move) DS going to nursery and under their care he eats something he is allergic to--and the epi pen i've showed them all how to use isn't used consistency of schools and their staff--will he just be ignored and left to 'get on with it' DS and sister going into the schooling systems and come out worse off then when they went in My sisters visa situation, her managing to get trafficked/kidnapped or worse fall in love with an idiot while she considers herself 'vulnerable' and absolves herself from most responsibility and common sense My husband is the most irresponsible man I know when it comes to credit cards/bank payments--- jail--- I don't want to go! We don't overspend, but *he* does get careless, so every month when I do have a moment spare I go through all the finances again. (it's usually his job)...sometimes though, there just aren't enough hours in the day.
1340
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 23:25
Dear GoldinGlitterPunk...........I have read quite a few of your posts.........I believe I am right in thinking that you and your siblings very recently lost both your parents? Quite apart from the stress of suddenly becoming overnight, the responsible adult for several other young, wounded and vulnerable people, you share their same catastrophic grief. On top of which you are a relatively young mother of a child who has some developmental delay? And, you are considering moving to one of the world's most unforgiving cities..........you may feel you have made many friends, and perhaps a few of the people you have swapped posts with wil actually materialise in real time, but please remember EW is just cyberspace. Please, please do not for a moment think that Dubai will be an easier or better place than where you are......and please, give yourself and your siblings a chance to grieve, and to readjust to a new reality, in the place where you are all at least reasonably settled and familiar. Take the time being offered, stay in London.......and just let the dust settle on your lives. There will be time enough for adventures later.
1861
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 22:42
Try to work out what scares you - something defined is automatically easier to deal with. It's true it's sometimes easier to take the in-at-the-deep-end approach, but it's also true that whilst most people swim, some do sink. There's no use pretending that it'll all be easy, but again, your mindset will have a lot to do with how you deal with things. You need to be able to think clearly, so if you've got other, more unusual commitments (haven't been following your story, sorry), then maybe it's simply not the right time to move your family over.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 20:34
I've been here just seven months and only just getting used to it. I miss London so much but it such a great opportunity to be an ex pat and it is so great for the family too - are you bringing your sisters too? I'd think very hard about how you felt if hubby was travelling from London all the time whereas here my hubby is home in 20 mins - such a change from his old 90 minute door to door commute.
271
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 20:18
Thanks Dubaistar and Hello Kitty, I'm not allowing DH to look at other job opps for a while so if he stays at his current place he hast to either move in the next two weeks or wait till next April (tax purposes). It's true that after a while, when my sisters are old and mature enough to stand on their own (at least during school terms) I might rest a little easier, and my siblings may be causing me a little added stress on their own. But to be honest, I'm just scared, out of my mind scared. There are panic attacks and anxiety induced spreadsheet speculating parties that I make my husband attend at 2am. I'm turning into a mighty nervous wreck. Husband thinks that if we move right now it'll be best because I'll stop over-thinking it and just do it. I feel like maybe I need to step back relax and move at a slower pace. Do you think I should just suck it up and move? Or is it better to take my time? At this point DH is fed up with my inability to make a decision.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 20:13
I'm waay too nervous to move. DH had decided to interview with a few places just to see what his UAE market value was while were out there and has decided to stay with our current company, and they have offered him the chance of staying here in London for another 14 months before we really have to move, but we would have to travel a heck of a lot. DH thinks we should move over sooner rather than later and I just can't bring myself to do it. It seems like a lovely social place, and all of you really make me excited about the prospect of actually having friends...but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I don't feel emotionally secure about a move this big. Am I being irrational? Very rational and sensible with your sisters in tow at the age they are at. Stay put let DH travel/
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 19:41
GGP I agree with HK - it takes six months in any expat move to feel like home (this is my fourth such move) - for me, it's knowing where my mechanic, doctor, dentist, hairdresser, plumber, fave supermarket is - silly things but they ground you and diminish your stress once they are sorted. Out of all my moves (France, US and Aus) I found this the hardest, I think because on the surface here everything and everyone seems very organised and easy, but underneath it's like the duck paddling - calm on the surface and paddling like heck underneath. I don't have kids here, they are back in the UK, and consider myself to be pretty capable, but I found it hard, and only now can I honestly say, hand on heart that I'm enjoying it. Given what you've shared about your family situation, sisters, etc. it might not be a bad thing to wait for another 14 months till you haven't got to be so in charge of everyone's future, but hey, we were looking forward to you coming so let us know when and if it does happen. Take care, and que sera sera (sp.) :)
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 February 2011 - 18:48
Nope, you're not being at all irrational. Moving is a big thing and will involve a certain amount of stress and worry. It is a step into the unknown and to be honest, actually being here is a lot different to the image that you form before coming. It's normal to be worried, but I think it's really important to fully believe it's the right thing to do and to be genuinely enthusiastic to do it. I wasn't and spent the first 6 months of being here absolutely loathing the place and on really bad days, begging my husband to pack me back off home. It took 18 months for me to like living here more than "it's ok, I guess", but even now, I can't bring myself to call it home. This is my second time as an expat, by the way. Have you been here to see the place first? I would try to for a 3 or 4 week stint - get a proper feel for the place, meet some people and decide if it's for you. It may be or it may not, but only you can decide that.
 
 

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