Toddler that is afraid of everything | ExpatWoman.com
 

Toddler that is afraid of everything

19
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 May 2011 - 15:14
Hi, Sounds like you've had loads of really good advice, i agree with a lot of it, but have a few things to add. My brother was always hopeless at taking medicine, my mums technique was a towel and a syringe tube (wrap him in the towel so he can't kick out etc). Was hard but worked. While i understand why people would think three adults is an unfair battle (yes it is, i know that) i do believe that if it has to be done it has to be done. It was for her best interest ONLY and don't be made to feel bad that you used your advantage as an adult over her for that reason. We went to ferrari world this weekend and one of the children we were with (5yrs old) got spooked on the first ride and refused to go on any others, while we were eating some of the older children started telling her that she should go on a ride with them. She was convinced by them even though her parents had been saying EXACTLY the same thing to her and went off happily and the rest of the day she went on the rides with us. This is just an example but i've seen this work before and have used it myself. I've explained to an older child that i really need their help, and they have 'played' in a way that i can't and helped to overcome fears. The older child comes out feeling really grown up and the younger child gets over it, win win! This example also proves that some times there is nothing you can do. Sometimes, someone else needs to step in and help you out. Eventually what you say, however right you are, becomes white noise to them and they need a fresh perspective. I.E. person selling shoes says 'these shoes are not for girls that throw tantrums' or 'what a nasty noise, please stop you're hurting my ears'. It helps take them out of the 'mummy daughter bubble'. Also, and it's been said before here, you're not alone and this behavior does stop (stops faster by being sociable). Good Luck, stay strong. Hx
1861
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 May 2011 - 11:57
Thanks a lot Hello Again Kitty (By the way my daughter would love your name!!!!). It was reassuring. I was actually told that the terrible 2 are stretching to the terrible 2 & 3. I am just praying that there are no extensions to 4. I am taking it one day at a time and one tantrum at a time. Let us do what we can and hope for the best! Thanks again hehe - my most beloved DD started her terrible twos at 13 months old and we've only noticed a real change in her in the last couple of months, so at 3.5! I went through phases of wondering if there was something wrong with her, but in hindsight it's just a case of stepping back and taking the "softly, softly catchy monkey" approach - little steps forward (and some back) to gauge where they are in their development and to guide them towards it by a tricky mix of encouragement and discipline.
36
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 May 2011 - 11:37
Thanks a lot Hello Again Kitty (By the way my daughter would love your name!!!!). It was reassuring. I was actually told that the terrible 2 are stretching to the terrible 2 & 3. I am just praying that there are no extensions to 4. I am taking it one day at a time and one tantrum at a time. Let us do what we can and hope for the best! Thanks again
1861
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 May 2011 - 11:14
FO, what you describe there sounds actually pretty normal to be honest, so I'm not entirely sure if they are proper, deep-rooted fears, but rather (sad to say) normal 3 year old behaviour. The Drs incident is another thing completely though, and I'm pretty sure that if she's had an early traumatic experience, then it's going to resonate. maybe either find the loveliest paediatrician that she can bond with and sway her round, or get some advice on how to empower her to cope. The swimming pool sounds like it's just a bit unknown - not all kids jump right in, but need to build confidence. Maybe find a baby pool that is nice and shallow so she can paddle in it without fear of sinking. Tantrums - sounds like you're doing all the right things. Don't be embarrassed to do the same technique in public if it works for you. Almost everyone with children has had to deal with tantrums at some stage and those that haven't had kids will do! Shopping and clothes - yes. Try to involve her more. Give her the important task of holding the shopping list or ask her to fetch/ help choose certain items. DD also used to throw wobblies when I chose her clothes, so now I give her a choice and let her decide - what harm is there in it?! - and the clothes-related tantrums have stopped. They're at an age where they want and need to assert their independence, but it's up to us to decide where the boundaries are and to help them along the way. I think you're doing fine - your last post reassured me loads! <em>edited by Hello.Again.Kitty on 24/05/2011</em>
36
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 May 2011 - 10:39
Thanks a lot for all your replies. Very interesting indeed. As some said, I am trying to deal with every fear/manipulation alone without connecting it to the others. Regarding medicines and doctors, I don't know if this is related but when she was a baby, she was admitted to the hospital and they tried to take blood (4 or 5 times), but it did not work as her veins were very small. We had to sign a paper releasing the hospital from the responsibility because we asked them to stop. She always had a BIG problem with everything related to doctors and medicines. We bought a medicine toy kit and we try on her dolls and I show her that it does not hurt. Whenever we are faced with the real thing, it goes again. I don't take her to the doctor unless it is absolutely necessary (one time she bit the doctor's hand!). She does not even accept to put a band aid! The problem with the medicine is that some of them are to taken as is without mixing to anything. Swimming pool: I bought several colourful toys, and I am sitting with her on the side of the pool and we take it one step at a time, it is moving but very slowly. What do I do when she has a tantrum? It depends on the cause, location, and how bad it is. If in the house, I always tell her: Calm down, i cannot understand anything when you're shouting like this. I always say it with a firm tone. Eventually, she would calm down. At the Doctor, He tried to deal with it, she bit him as I said. However, she had 42 degrees fever (for the 3rd day), with sever diarrhea and a very bad cough. We could not ignore that, so we had to hold her until the Doctor checked her. I do suspect that the shopping, clothes, shoes are her manipulative side.
56
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 21:17
Hi . I would definately check it out with a professional. Brushing her hair could hurt because she has a sensitive scalp. A lot of children are very sensitive for noice that sounds normal to us. Putting on clothes or shoes may be unconfortable. There are treatments /stimuli available to improve this. Dont let it go as a difficult 3 year old. I have a 3 year old drive me nuts most of the day and challenging borders all the time.. :-) But with sensory things like that i will not take chances. All the best.
2782
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 20:00
water, noises, the dark-instinctive fears you will have to work on slowly and with trust. Trying on clothes, having her hair brushed probably just her asserting herself unless she has been somehow injured during these activities before. You need to be firm, but try letting her brush her own hair. Not wanting to take medicine, quite reasonable given how awful some of it tastes. I used to be held down and force fed travel sickness medication before our long road trips and I still give my parents a hard time about it. (although it didn't psychologically damage me :), no doubt it made me scared of taking the medicine again.) Bribery with chocolate was a better technique. What do you usually do when she has as tantrum?
1861
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 19:00
If you child is deciding when she is going to try on the clothes, she may be manipulating you. Who is boss ? I think a lot depends on if it's actually a true fear or if it's a statement of independence... and it's impossible for us to be able to tell if it's one or the other - only the OP or a specialist will know for sure. A tantrum is basically the frustration of a message that's not getting across - we can't tell what that message might be. Another thing I will say though - and I'm sorry if I sound harsh - but I suspect that a lot of this is down to some parenting choices. If the child has a genuine fear of shops and new things, then avoiding them completely isn't addressing the issue. Yes, public tantrums are embarrassing, but they need to be dealt with head-on, as do her fears or indeed the boundaries that as a family, you are setting. You can't wrap her in cotton wool in fear of her fears, because you are only making them worse (hence why I said a lot is down to how you react to them). Take the time to address them gently - it took 4 months of constant "work" to get DD over hers - and then once you know that she can cope and that she's over it, if she tries a re-run take a harder stance on them.
596
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EW GURU
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 18:43
Put medicine in a nice drink and may be easier for child to have it and [b'>DO NOT TELL child[/b'> If you child is deciding when she is going to try on the clothes, she may be manipulating you. Who is boss ? Her reactions are a bit extreme! It takes 3 adults to give her medicine when she is sick. I took her shopping once, she threw a tantrum because I was trying some shoes on her. It was embarrassing. Now, I buy things bring them home and we take it wasy on her until she 'decides' she wants to try them. <em>edited by jewelsmiddle on 23/05/2011</em>
596
Posts
EW GURU
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 18:38
This must be very difficult to deal with and suggest you get professional assistance. A child will learn some of these fears from experiences, their imagination stems from experiences , be it from T V , family, people,adults or children, animals, the dark, books that not wise to read to a small child, DVD's that are scary, many many things. Some of these behaviours are learned from others such as fear of spiders, People may over react and then children learn the same negative behaviour and this will be the case in many different situations. Start writing down her fears and when it occurs so if you do seek help you can give the professional a clearer picture. Having written all the above, there will be exceptions where a child could be clever enough and can manipulate even at a young age. Could your child in contact with people who are of nervous disposition . Better to get to the bottom of it now if you can or problem will get worse as child gets older. Good luck
1861
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 18:14
Children's fears are very real for them because their imaginations are so vivid, so try not to gloss over them or put her down (for example by telling her she's being silly/ stupid). Try to understand what it is that she's afraid of too and work from there to build up her confidence. DD had a phase where she "saw" dinosaurs everywhere and would wake up at night, refuse to go into rooms on her own and all that. It turned out she'd seen parts of a film that weren't appropriate for her, so we taught her some coping methods (the dinosaurs were very obedient and would go away when she told them to) and she got over it. This was when she was just over 2. I'd say 2 things though. Firstly, I don't think it's quite normal for your daughter to be quite so scared of so many things and so would advise you take her to see a specialist about it. Secondly, it may not just be her problem - it may be that how you react to her fears are compounding them. The medicine is a case in point. Even as an adult, I'd be really, really scared if 3 people were forcing me to do something I didn't really want to, nor understand the importance of. The experience would also traumatise me and fill me with dread at the prospect of a repeat. Bear that in mind when you deal with this.
2340
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 18:09
Is she genuinely fearful or is she pushing boundaries? I know when each of my older ones (now the ripe old ages of 5 and 4 ;) ) were three that's when the really difficult behaviour started. Anytime they didn't want to do something, the tantrums came on with a vengance. Maybe really focus on her needs before you want her to do something. By that I mean, make sure she has everything she *needs* to be content at the time you ask it of her. Make sure she's not tired, that she's not hungry, that she's under no time pressure, that she doesn't have people she doesn't know in her personal space etc etc. Also be sure that you are relaxed and have time to do things slowly. Everything takes forever to get done with a 3 yr old. ;) Until you feel things are improving you could try making small games out of each task. Have a laugh with her or sing a song with her while she brushes her hair. Take her in the pool on her own and sit on the step playing gentle spashing games until she feels more confident...maybe even just sitting on the edge with feet dangling in at first. On medicine...unless it was a life threatening situation, I'd forget the medicine rather than pin a child down with three adults. That would be a frightening experience for a confident, healthy child, let alone one who's unwell.
36
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 23 May 2011 - 16:50
My daughter is 3 years old and she is afraid of a lot of things, and I don't really how to deal with her fears. She is afraid of: swimming, noises, dark, medicines, brushes - a in brushing her hair, the stickers in the playground, face painting, trying a new dress or new shoes, dropping water on herself, and the list can go on and on Her reactions are a bit extreme! It takes 3 adults to give her medicine when she is sick. I took her shopping once, she threw a tantrum because I was trying some shoes on her. It was embarrassing. Now, I buy things bring them home and we take it wasy on her until she 'decides' she wants to try them. Has anyone been there? Any advice would be much appreciated? TIA
 
 

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