For the grammar experts | ExpatWoman.com
 

For the grammar experts

90
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 15:20

Does this read right to you?

Dear Parents,

Thank you for your support in light of the recent talk I gave to pupils in Year 8 about Alcohol. This is to update you on the situation.

The allegations of alcohol use in School, which were very properly brought to the school’s attention have been taken very seriously, as it is only proper. Despite our best endeavours it has not proved possible to find any evidence to provide substantiated proof. We are taking further advice on how best to manage matters such as this.

I hope that the school and parents will work together to educate the young people in our care to have the confidence to resist temptations and to stick to the right course. Alcohol education is part of the PSHCE programme which is delivered to all pupils during their time in School. In addition, the school will be very vigilant in future in our oversight of pupils to deter any pupil from breaching both the law of UAE, Dubai and our own rules.

Following the talk I gave, I am arranging for an outside speaker from the British Embassy to come in and talk to all year groups about these issues and others early in the Summer term. This will further help pupils understand about being teenagers in the UAE.

298
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 17:59
Putting alcohol in a Coke can or whatever is a common teenage thing the world over. I don't know how anyone could be shocked over this. We put vodka in shampoo bottles at school camp in my day. I can still recall that soapy alcoholic taste if I close my eyes and try hard enough ;) ;). Ah we were such good catholic school girls !
648
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EW GURU
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 17:55
Does this read right to you? Dear Parents, Thank you for your support in light of the recent talk I gave to pupils in Year 8 about Alcohol. This is to update you on the situation. The allegations of alcohol use in School, [b'>which were very properly brought [/b'>to the school’s attention have been taken very seriously, [b'>as it is only proper[/b'>. Despite our best endeavours it has not proved possible to find any evidence to provide substantiated proof. We are taking further advice on how best to manage matters such as this. I hope that the school and parents will work together to educate the young people in our care to have the confidence to resist temptations and to stick to the right course. Alcohol education is part of the PSHCE programme which is delivered to all pupils during their time in School. In addition, the school will be very vigilant in future in our oversight of pupils to deter any pupil from breaching both the law of UAE, Dubai and our own rules. Following the talk I gave, I am arranging for an outside speaker from the British Embassy to come in and talk to all year groups about these issues and others early in the Summer term. This will further help pupils understand about being teenagers in the UAE. Poor grammar
5452
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 17:14
Putting alcohol in a Coke can or whatever is a common teenage thing the world over. I don't know how anyone could be shocked over this.
115
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 17:05
Yes, it is shocking..but it happens. I have seen such people. I did not have a drink until I was at least 22 so YES this does shock me too! OK :) I am aware of many parents that allow for their children (12-13 years of age) to have drinks in their presence Sorry, can't do bold or underlining, so snipped all the rest. Was about to say that I was shocked by your statement and then remembered that I was brought up by my French father to have a drop of red wine in water at Sunday lunch from a very early age. Put me right off red wine :)
115
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 17:04
Well, I don't have any children so I won't get defensive about this. But I know a couple of very good schools where kids at this age do drink, and some in the presence of their parents. I would hope that my children would not drink at this age and would do my best to make sure that they know better (when I have them one day)... but I don't think I would ever be sure enough - as you are today - about what all the kids in a school would or wouldn't do.
5400
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 17:02
OK :) I am aware of many parents that allow for their children (12-13 years of age) to have drinks in their presence Sorry, can't do bold or underlining, so snipped all the rest. Was about to say that I was shocked by your statement and then remembered that I was brought up by my French father to have a drop of red wine in water at Sunday lunch from a very early age. Put me right off red wine :)
1511
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:56
OK :) I thought the whole 'water bottles/flask' statement is something that I missed! Well, in that case I did mention that it may have happened at a party...sorry maybe I should have said 'school party'. I am aware of many parents that allow for their children (12-13 years of age) to have drinks in their presence..so I would not be surprised to learn that these kids might decide to bring some drinks to a school event. I'm just wondering if the school is to blame for such behavior? Obviously if nothing is done about it, it is... but I do think that this tends to happen with kids in all schools. Just my opinion. I can assure you that in my childrens school in this age range it does not happen!
115
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:54
OK :) I thought the whole 'water bottles/flask' statement is something that I missed! Well, in that case I did mention that it may have happened at a party...sorry maybe I should have said 'school party'. I am aware of many parents that allow for their children (12-13 years of age) to have drinks in their presence..so I would not be surprised to learn that these kids might decide to bring some drinks to a school event. I'm just wondering if the school is to blame for such behavior? Obviously if nothing is done about it, it is... but I do think that this tends to happen with kids in all schools. Just my opinion.
1511
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:48
The allegations of alcohol use [b'>in [/b'>School First sentence! It would be the word IN! LOL
115
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:47
oh, really? where is that stated.. Im sorry i couldnt find it, but I might be going blind after the number of emails I've read today. It sounds like a few kids have been caught at some party/event drinking and the school was blamed for it? ummm, nope, it states what the issue is, alcohol within the school grounds in water bottle, flasks etc.
1511
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:41
It sounds like a few kids have been caught at some party/event drinking and the school was blamed for it? ummm, nope, it states what the issue is, alcohol within the school grounds in water bottle, flasks etc.
2322
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:31
B3gger the grammatical errors, I'd be more concerned about the content of the letter! Which school allegedly has grade 8 students drinking alcohol at school!? which do you think? ;) Getting quite a REPutation isn't it. ;) On that note, time for a scotch... Way ahead of you chick....way ahead, lol!
115
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:28
It sounds like a few kids have been caught at some party/event drinking and the school was blamed for it?
298
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:28
B3gger the grammatical errors, I'd be more concerned about the content of the letter! Which school allegedly has grade 8 students drinking alcohol at school!? which do you think? ;) Getting quite a REPutation isn't it. ;) On that note, time for a scotch...
2322
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:24
B3gger the grammatical errors, I'd be more concerned about the content of the letter! Which school allegedly has grade 8 students drinking alcohol at school!? which do you think? ;)
298
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:22
B3gger the grammatical errors, I'd be more concerned about the content of the letter! Which school allegedly has grade 8 students drinking alcohol at school!?
243
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:18
As an ex Head Teacher and an educationalist of over 25 years I would have cringed if any of my colleagues had written a letter in such a way. To take the letter apart and dissect its good and bad attributes is wrong, in my opinion. One should look at the letter in its entirety and then judge it on its merits. To take the good and bad attributes apart AND to look at the letter in it's entirety is quite the right thing to do. It is referred to as [i'>Discourse Analysis[/i'> amongst researchers. From that standpoint one can literally rip both this letter and the intent in shreds. Oops editing own typo. <em>edited by Singapore Sling on 24/03/2011</em>
48
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:16
Poorly written - absolutely. More to the point..which school? For poor grammar and alcohol!! Hints please...starts with?
243
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:15
Does this read right to you? Dear Parents, Thank you for your support in light of the recent talk I gave to pupils in Year 8 about Alcohol. This is to update you on the situation. The allegations of alcohol use in School, which were very properly brought to the school’s attention have been taken very seriously, as it is only proper. Despite our best endeavours it has not proved possible to find any evidence to provide substantiated proof. We are taking further advice on how best to manage matters such as this. I hope that the school and parents will work together to educate the young people in our care to have the confidence to resist temptations and to stick to the right course. Alcohol education is part of the PSHCE programme which is delivered to all pupils during their time in School. In addition, the school will be very vigilant in future in our oversight of pupils to deter any pupil from breaching both the law of UAE, Dubai and our own rules. Following the talk I gave, I am arranging for an outside speaker from the British Embassy to come in and talk to all year groups about these issues and others early in the Summer term. This will further help pupils understand about being teenagers in the UAE. I am English second language, so please excuse my own grammar etc ;) The letter is poorly written IMHO and weakens the entire stance of the school. Or perhaps that is the problem, the fact that the school is not quite convinced that this is indeed a problem? The issue under discussion is a serious one yet this is not reflected in either the tone or reinforced in the way the sentences are constructed/use of words. "Alcohol use" sounds weak, it is ABUSE. I would replace "the situation", "manage matters such as this", "resist temptations", "alcohol education" with far stronger words to reinforce the seriousness of the alleged abuse of alcohol. Etc. I agree with magicbeanza that there is a lot wrong with the letter. <em>edited by Singapore Sling on 24/03/2011</em>
60
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:13
Dear Parents Thank you for your support following the recent talk I gave to pupils in Year 8 about alcohol. This letter is to update you on the situation. The allegations of alcohol consumption in school, which were rightly brought to the school’s attention, have been taken very seriously. Despite our best endeavours we have not been able to find substantiated evidence. We are taking further advice on how best to manage matters such as this in the future. I hope that the school and parents will work together to educate the young people in our care, give them the confidence to resist temptation and to stick to the right course. Alcohol education is part of the PSHCE programme which is delivered to all pupils during their time in school. In addition, the school will be very vigilant in future and will deter any pupil from breaching both the law of UAE and our own rules. Following the talk I gave I am arranging for an outside speaker from the British Embassy to come in and talk to all year groups about these issues and others early in the summer term. [b'>This will further help pupils understand about being teenagers in the UAE.[/b'> I would write it as above - however I am not sure what the sentence in bold is supposed to mean - maybe reword as something like 'This will further help pupils to understand the restrictions placed on teenagers in the UAE and the implications of disobeying the law.' <em>edited by Nic_R on 24/03/2011</em>
108
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:08
As an ex Head Teacher and an educationalist of over 25 years I would have cringed if any of my colleagues had written a letter in such a way. To take the letter apart and dissect its good and bad attributes is wrong, in my opinion. One should look at the letter in its entirety and then judge it on its merits.
144
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 16:07
[i'>The allegations of alcohol use in School, which were very properly brought to the school’s attention have been taken very seriously, as it is only proper. Despite our best endeavours it has not proved possible to find any evidence to provide substantiated proof. We are taking further advice on how best to manage matters such as this. [/i'> I don't like the use of properly and proper in the same sentence, in addition the phrase is usualy 'as is only proper'. I also don't like proved and proof together; I would write the paragraph like this: "The allegations of alcohol use in School, which were very properly brought to the school's attention, have been taken very seriously, however, despite our best endeavours, it has not proven possible to find evidence to substantiate the issue. We are taking further advice on how best to manage such matters."
247
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 15:57
I see a lot wrong with that letter
63
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 15:56
I don't agree with this at all, it is badly written. A letter that's an incoherent mess does not represent an educational institution in a good light. Right or wrong, it's a fact that poor grammar and a lack of vocabulary creates the impression that the writer is uneducated, lazy, or both. It makes the school and the teacher look marginal. Also when was Dubai not part of the UAE?
927
Posts
EW GURU
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 15:46
I am no expert either but there are several things that look wrong to me: "how best to manage matters such as this." Should surely be matter[b'>s[/b'> such as [b'>these[/b'> as matters is plural. Or it could read how best to manage this matter. "about these issues and others " might be better as " about this and other issues" Also agree with previous comments on punctuation etc There are other things that make me think this was written by someone whose first language is not English. edited by Genie on 24/03/2011 Edited for my own typos ha ha <em>edited by Genie on 24/03/2011</em>
5499
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 15:32
Words capitalised here, but not there are about the only thing that drew my attention. Otherwise, I think it looks ok.
5400
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 15:27
Not an expert, but obsessed with superfluous apostrophes. There are none here, so it's fine by me! Mind you, I would have put "temptations" in the singular, myself. What is bothering you about it? The amount of capital letters for nouns makes me think it might have been written by a person with mother-tongue German. I would have put a comma after "attention" in the second para, but otherwise, it reads fine to me.
 
 

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