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Am I strong enough or just pushing myself too hard :(

AzaniaKhayaLam10671

329

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:07

Some of you may know that I lost a child in Jan and things seems to be falling back in to place....slowly!
Last year I was offer a job @ Welcare hospital but declined due to the pregnancy.
I have been offered the job again but in the NICU department...where my little angel took her last breath

I've always had the desire to go back to work and DH always supported that decision plus after the loss of my child-I really longed for something to keep me busy but is this too much too soon?

Log in to post new content in the forum.

296

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 26 March 2011 - 14:10

Some of you may know that I lost a child in Jan and things seems to be falling back in to place....slowly! Last year I was offer a job @ Welcare hospital but declined due to the pregnancy. I have been offered the job again but in the NICU department...where my little angel took her last breath I've always had the desire to go back to work and DH always supported that decision plus after the loss of my child-I really longed for something to keep me busy but is this too much too soon? First of all cyber hugs to you. For your question, you can only answer. Are you ready to see other babies?, what is your feeling when you see other babies? If you are comfortable, then you accept the job and keep yourself busy. your mother is right in a way, you cannot live your whole life thinking about what you lost. Think positive about you and your family.. I know easy said that done. But try and rest leave it to God, (I do not know if you believe in one) if not, believe some power is there over there watching us. God bless you.

596

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 26 March 2011 - 14:00

"Illusion" very important point. I think you have got it, " What is it about mothers is it a generational thing" Yes you may have a valid point there, it was excepted in family life one would miscarry one if not two children and babies were born dead and burried, it was a fact of life and not questioned . Today people question alot more which is good but maybe sometimes we need to accept some things as part of life but in todays world we find it alot harder to do that and we strive for better and better and perfection. Not everything from years gone by is a waste and maybe we need the older age groups to help re educate younger age groups to cope with Life. My grandmother was one of 13 children in the late 1880's, and yes, it was accepted that one or two infants would die along the way, as a kind of "natural wastage". My mother was one of three girls born in the 1920's, but I know two boys died along the way - they weren't talked about, but I know Grandma suffered emotionally because of this. However, nowadays, mostly, women are no longer pregnant once a year throughout their child-bearing years, nor do many women die at the age of 30, either in child-birth or as the result of complications from too many pregnancies. Nowadays, the nuclear family is expected to be much smaller, and medical capacity is much better, so I really don't think you can apply the same values today as were applicable even 50 years ago, let alone at the turn of the last century. It may well be something to do with the difference in generations, but since we women nowadays have the illusion of being able to control our bodies and when we get pregnant, our expectations are automatically going to be quite different, even from those of our mothers.

596

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 26 March 2011 - 13:57

Oh you poor girl forever 21 , I understand you being speechless but may I give you a bit of advice, having gone through something similar but not the same and told by relatives to get on with it, I found it very hard as thought they didn't see how painful things were but was told be grateful . Took along time to get over the comments years. Don't hold it against her, I am sure she is trying to help you and get you on your feet and may not be the way many would think it should be done. I bet her heart is broken seeing you suffer. Yes it is generational and maturity. Older generation are tougher on things and they say younger people ( I am not referring to you ) are not good at coping as they have had it too easy generally in the western world. People under 35 in many European and USA countries have not had it as tough and coping well with life , one may disagree with this but it is a fact. Do what you think you should and it is okay for you if you find after a time you need to alter, then do. I sincerely wish you well. [ Finally told my mum about the job offer and ...WOW.......the whole generation gap thing is for real! All she could say when I told her abt the job was ...who's gonna look after my 5yr old DD....:\: When I finally asked her if that's all she can think about considering where I'll be working and what I went through she just told me that I must just look the other way and forget.....people loose loved ones whom they have lived with in the same house...that dont mean that they should move out...they just forget and they move on!!!! I'm still speechless edited by forever 21 on 25/03/2011

5400

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 26 March 2011 - 09:50

I think you have got it, " What is it about mothers is it a generational thing" Yes you may have a valid point there, it was excepted in family life one would miscarry one if not two children and babies were born dead and burried, it was a fact of life and not questioned . Today people question alot more which is good but maybe sometimes we need to accept some things as part of life but in todays world we find it alot harder to do that and we strive for better and better and perfection. Not everything from years gone by is a waste and maybe we need the older age groups to help re educate younger age groups to cope with Life. My grandmother was one of 13 children in the late 1880's, and yes, it was accepted that one or two infants would die along the way, as a kind of "natural wastage". My mother was one of three girls born in the 1920's, but I know two boys died along the way - they weren't talked about, but I know Grandma suffered emotionally because of this. However, nowadays, mostly, women are no longer pregnant once a year throughout their child-bearing years, nor do many women die at the age of 30, either in child-birth or as the result of complications from too many pregnancies. Nowadays, the nuclear family is expected to be much smaller, and medical capacity is much better, so I really don't think you can apply the same values today as were applicable even 50 years ago, let alone at the turn of the last century. It may well be something to do with the difference in generations, but since we women nowadays have the illusion of being able to control our bodies and when we get pregnant, our expectations are automatically going to be quite different, even from those of our mothers.

10

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 26 March 2011 - 09:37

Finally told my mum about the job offer and ...WOW.......the whole generation gap thing is for real! All she could say when I told her abt the job was ...who's gonna look after my 5yr old DD....:\: When I finally asked her if that's all she can think about considering where I'll be working and what I went through she just told me that I must just look the other way and forget.....people loose loved ones whom they have lived with in the same house...that dont mean that they should move out...they just forget and they move on!!!! I'm still speechless edited by forever 21 on 25/03/2011 I guess it is because they have learned to be worried about their loved once all their life; to them, self comes after the family, but our generation has decided the first priority should be self and then family and loved ones.

AzaniaKhayaLam10671

329

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 23:32

I think you have got it, " What is it about mothers is it a generational thing" Yes you may have a valid point there, it was excepted in family life one would miscarry one if not two children and babies were born dead and burried, it was a fact of life and not questioned . Today people question alot more which is good but maybe sometimes we need to accept some things as part of life but in todays world we find it alot harder to do that and we strive for better and better and perfection. Not everything from years gone by is a waste and maybe we need the older age groups to help re educate younger age groups to cope with Life. What is it about Mothers? I've decided it's a generational thing...even though my mum lost a baby boy at term she is almost callous in her disregard for any mourning we might feel we need. It's just, oh well, there'll be another. Really, Mum? Lil Miss is only 6, so the subject of siblings does come up, particularly when her friends get new ones! I just explained to her that tho we tried very hard, it just didnt work out that way and that now I'm a bit old. She decided that her dad should then get a 2nd younger wife...the joys of bringing them up in the ME, hey. The subject of not enough love to go round is interesting...and something we will probably encounter along the way. Interesting stuff, being the mum of the unplanned only child. Anyhow, thats a digression, sorry forever...how are you this morning? edited by jewelsmiddle on 25/03/2011 Finally told my mum about the job offer and ...WOW.......the whole generation gap thing is for real! All she could say when I told her abt the job was ...who's gonna look after my 5yr old DD....:\: When I finally asked her if that's all she can think about considering where I'll be working and what I went through she just told me that I must just look the other way and forget.....people loose loved ones whom they have lived with in the same house...that dont mean that they should move out...they just forget and they move on!!!! I'm still speechless <em>edited by forever 21 on 25/03/2011</em>

708

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 23:28

I go through many many blogs everyday, and found this recently. She has gone through something similar, and maybe some of you can relate to this. http://sunshinepromises.blogspot.com/2011/03/what-not-to-say.html

10

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 19:14

I am deeply sorry, Forever 1. I also lost my angel when I was 2 month pregnant. I think if you feel you are ready just do it, if I were you, I would not care how people judge me..wish you luck with whatever you decide..

596

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 14:35

I am so sorry for your lose and what you have been going through . we do not know all the answers and pray you will be stronger and you will be able to help others also in time. Good luck with your decision and if you decide to take the job and it does not work out, it is not a failing but a learning curve. Good Luck Some of you may know that I lost a child in Jan and things seems to be falling back in to place....slowly! Last year I was offer a job @ Welcare hospital but declined due to the pregnancy. I have been offered the job again but in the NICU department...where my little angel took her last breath I've always had the desire to go back to work and DH always supported that decision plus after the loss of my child-I really longed for something to keep me busy but is this too much too soon?

596

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 14:31

I think you have got it, " What is it about mothers is it a generational thing" Yes you may have a valid point there, it was excepted in family life one would miscarry one if not two children and babies were born dead and burried, it was a fact of life and not questioned . Today people question alot more which is good but maybe sometimes we need to accept some things as part of life but in todays world we find it alot harder to do that and we strive for better and better and perfection. Not everything from years gone by is a waste and maybe we need the older age groups to help re educate younger age groups to cope with Life. What is it about Mothers? I've decided it's a generational thing...even though my mum lost a baby boy at term she is almost callous in her disregard for any mourning we might feel we need. It's just, oh well, there'll be another. Really, Mum? Lil Miss is only 6, so the subject of siblings does come up, particularly when her friends get new ones! I just explained to her that tho we tried very hard, it just didnt work out that way and that now I'm a bit old. She decided that her dad should then get a 2nd younger wife...the joys of bringing them up in the ME, hey. The subject of not enough love to go round is interesting...and something we will probably encounter along the way. Interesting stuff, being the mum of the unplanned only child. Anyhow, thats a digression, sorry forever...how are you this morning? <em>edited by jewelsmiddle on 25/03/2011</em>

231

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 09:04

My original post was mis-interpreted I think. I wasn't referring to dealing with other people's questions about my loss but more about the OP being able to assist others through their pain of losing a child, when she might not yet be ready and at peace with what happened to her family. I also believe that yes you might be able to understand the pain and anguish of parents, but in a hospital they look for professionals at hard times like these ... the need to know you're not the only one, the need to share your pain with others comes after. Well it did in my case. When it comes to people commenting on how many children we have/don't have, it used to hurt a lot a lot at first (i was pregnant when my son died, so you can imagine the array of comments I got). But i realised after a while that they rarely mean it in a nasty way. They are just lost for words and hope to say something that in their mind would ease the pain, something that could make sense of the most unnatural tragedy, burying your own child. I dont get angry with those people anymore, but i do get incredibly hurt when people compared the loss of one's child - emphasis on both CHILD and the fact that it's yours - to the death of a relative. That really hurts. You mourn so many things when you child is taken from you ... and i have to stop here because i'm getting rather tearful now. Sorry. edited by Moustique on 25/03/2011 <em>edited by Moustique on 25/03/2011</em>

2322

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 08:11

[ you too simple? I swear I have perfected that look of unconcern, oh but our one child is lovely etc while physically restraining self from strangling people. Yup. I think you're way younger than I am so I've probably been restraining myself for a few more years than you. The best thing was when I lost my first at 22 weeks and my mother told me it was a good thing because I wouldn't have wanted a malformed child. Actually, yes, I would have wanted my lovely Gabriella, whatever shape she took. Now I think of it, harking back to a recent thread, there's where I will admit I'm extremely jealous. Of peeps who are able to choose to have more than one child with no problem. Not doing too well here in Dubai - love seeing the large families and parents who share the load, but really wish we were more than 3 in our family. But, we're lucky to have her and dote! Dorter, who has always wanted a younger sister (so we won't mention I believe her bout of chickenpox when she was 3 caused me to miscarry her baby sister, as there's no medical reason for it), has recently told me she has friends here (aged 15) who believe that having siblings mean they lose out on parental love - there's not enough love to go round, they think. So there's a thing - but it's only boys who say this, as far as I know. Strange, huh? What is it about Mothers? I've decided it's a generational thing...even though my mum lost a baby boy at term she is almost callous in her disregard for any mourning we might feel we need. It's just, oh well, there'll be another. Really, Mum? Lil Miss is only 6, so the subject of siblings does come up, particularly when her friends get new ones! I just explained to her that tho we tried very hard, it just didnt work out that way and that now I'm a bit old. She decided that her dad should then get a 2nd younger wife...the joys of bringing them up in the ME, hey. The subject of not enough love to go round is interesting...and something we will probably encounter along the way. Interesting stuff, being the mum of the unplanned only child. Anyhow, thats a digression, sorry forever...how are you this morning?

238

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 08:03

Forever21, Please think very carefully about yourself. I don't want to say too much here but I lost my little boy over 2 years ago and I was put in a situation where I had to revisit the hospital in London where he was diagnosed and afterwards passed away and there are no words to express how excruciatingly painful it was for us. Also make sure you are ready to face other parents and their pain and worries. I know that after my baby died I could't even look at another child of a similar age, hold a child (except his older brother) in my arms ... that lasted for over a year. We are all different but please make sure you are able to look after yourself and have found a way to learn to live (truly live) alongside your pain. All my heart goes out to you. Yes. Worst thing in the world. And people saying, oh, you've only got one child? Do you think I wouldn't have given everything I possess to have had at least one other child, if I could have? Not always a personal choice. you too simple? I swear I have perfected that look of unconcern, oh but our one child is lovely etc while physically restraining self from strangling people. Ladies, I personally think that questions about whether people intend to have (or have more children) are supremely inappropriate. There's only two reasons why people don't - they don't want to - perfectly valid decision; or they can't - heartbreaking personal devastation. Neither reason is anyone elses business. Inexcusable. I'm sorry for the times you've been asked.

1236

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 03:38

There is a massive difference between losing a child and losing a beloved parent and I have experienced both although I was in the fairly early stages of pregnancy. I now have 2 adult children. My dad died 9 years ago in the hospice where I work as a nurse. I returned to work about a month after his death and the first few weeks were pretty difficult. I did however find myself in a very good place to be able to really empathise with distraught relatives and was able to care for both patients and their families with renewed vision if you know what I mean? Everyone is different of course and as I have said, the loss of a baby is a dreadful thing to have to deal with. Only you can say how and when you will be able to work in the very place where your baby died. As other ladies have said, you will be in a very good position to support other frightened parents. All the very best with whatever you decide. You are still very raw remember so take your time. Bless you my love xx

1996

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 25 March 2011 - 00:15

This might sound odd Forever 21-and it is just my take on things but as a few have said parents would appreciate you having been through what they were going through I will add my two cents. Our son was in Intensive Care for his first two years of life and I actually found it harder to be with staff who would relate they had been through similar things. When you are the parent you don't always have the strength to listen to what other staff have been through-in some odd way you want to see medical staff as invincible and having all the answers (even though deep down they don't). I think you get fairly selfish and are so focused on your little one that stories of what staff have been through just give you more to worry about as you don't want to upset them.You need their strength. Sorry -I have probably explained myself badly and your expereinces may make you stronger and better at what you do-your posts have certainly shown an amazing inner strength-but I just don't think some parents would be ready to know what you had to share as some posters seem to suggest. Wishing you well-whatever you decide.

5400

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 23:20

[ you too simple? I swear I have perfected that look of unconcern, oh but our one child is lovely etc while physically restraining self from strangling people. Yup. I think you're way younger than I am so I've probably been restraining myself for a few more years than you. The best thing was when I lost my first at 22 weeks and my mother told me it was a good thing because I wouldn't have wanted a malformed child. Actually, yes, I would have wanted my lovely Gabriella, whatever shape she took. Now I think of it, harking back to a recent thread, there's where I will admit I'm extremely jealous. Of peeps who are able to choose to have more than one child with no problem. Not doing too well here in Dubai - love seeing the large families and parents who share the load, but really wish we were more than 3 in our family. But, we're lucky to have her and dote! Dorter, who has always wanted a younger sister (so we won't mention I believe her bout of chickenpox when she was 3 caused me to miscarry her baby sister, as there's no medical reason for it), has recently told me she has friends here (aged 15) who believe that having siblings mean they lose out on parental love - there's not enough love to go round, they think. So there's a thing - but it's only boys who say this, as far as I know. Strange, huh?

228

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 23:04

Forever 21, I'm really sorry for this. I think that you are a strong person, don't be too hard with yourself. Don't hesitate to answer no if you don't feel well there. If I were you, I won't accept this job. Big hugs

2322

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 22:58

Forever21, Please think very carefully about yourself. I don't want to say too much here but I lost my little boy over 2 years ago and I was put in a situation where I had to revisit the hospital in London where he was diagnosed and afterwards passed away and there are no words to express how excruciatingly painful it was for us. Also make sure you are ready to face other parents and their pain and worries. I know that after my baby died I could't even look at another child of a similar age, hold a child (except his older brother) in my arms ... that lasted for over a year. We are all different but please make sure you are able to look after yourself and have found a way to learn to live (truly live) alongside your pain. All my heart goes out to you. Yes. Worst thing in the world. And people saying, oh, you've only got one child? Do you think I wouldn't have given everything I possess to have had at least one other child, if I could have? Not always a personal choice. you too simple? I swear I have perfected that look of unconcern, oh but our one child is lovely etc while physically restraining self from strangling people.

AzaniaKhayaLam10671

329

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 22:44

Your thoughts are giving me all sorts of perspectives, some I never even considered. I now realise there's a lot to consider before accepting or declining and I thought it was just a matter of making up my mind forgetting there are emotions to consider. I'm really glad I shared this with you as my DH is just going where the wind takes him and not too many people who know me personally are around to give their thoughts but those I have spoken to are still afraid to even talk about my loss and that makes it hard to get a different perspective on the matter. I think I should start by visiting the unit first the take it from there, I hope I will be able to make a decision based on how I feel that day because that will be the foundation of how I will be feeling as an employer and not a grieving mother.

5400

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 22:23

Forever21, Please think very carefully about yourself. I don't want to say too much here but I lost my little boy over 2 years ago and I was put in a situation where I had to revisit the hospital in London where he was diagnosed and afterwards passed away and there are no words to express how excruciatingly painful it was for us. Also make sure you are ready to face other parents and their pain and worries. I know that after my baby died I could't even look at another child of a similar age, hold a child (except his older brother) in my arms ... that lasted for over a year. We are all different but please make sure you are able to look after yourself and have found a way to learn to live (truly live) alongside your pain. All my heart goes out to you. Yes. Worst thing in the world. And people saying, oh, you've only got one child? Do you think I wouldn't have given everything I possess to have had at least one other child, if I could have? Not always a personal choice.

231

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 22:11

Forever21, Please think very carefully about yourself. I don't want to say too much here but I lost my little boy over 2 years ago and I was put in a situation where I had to revisit the hospital in London where he was diagnosed and afterwards passed away and there are no words to express how excruciatingly painful it was for us. Also make sure you are ready to face other parents and their pain and worries. I know that after my baby died I could't even look at another child of a similar age, hold a child (except his older brother) in my arms ... that lasted for over a year. We are all different but please make sure you are able to look after yourself and have found a way to learn to live (truly live) alongside your pain. All my heart goes out to you.

2222

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 22:10

My nephew died in my arms when he was 6 months old and it took me a long time to get over it, i couldn't close my eyes and not see him dying for about 6 months.... There is no way that i could have been around seriously ill children that soon. Are you ready to be there and help the poor children that aren't going to make? If you think that you do want / need this job then perhaps ask if you can do a week as a volunteer and see how it goes. Hugs, and whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing for you to do at this time.

57

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:55

forever 21, it is great you want to go back to work and I really think generally going back to work does help with healing, but I don't know many people who would be able to do this. Your loss is still so raw. I had an early miscarriage a month earlier than your loss which I can only imagine must have been much more traumatic than what I experienced. I know I couldn't go to a workplace everyday where I had to watch others go through what I had to go through - it would be like re-living it constantly. I can't even watch a TV programme with a similar theme without getting incredibly upset. Maybe a trial would be a possibility. I think you must be an incredibly strong person just to consider this and don't feel you are weak if you turn it down. What does your DH and people who know you personally think about this?

AdviceSeeker13702

1100

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:42

Yes, you're definitely not being a coward, and as another poster said, you have to wait for the right job, there will be others so no need to take on a job unless its right for you.

2322

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:39

Cheeky Monkey that is what I'm hoping for but I'm afraid of what will happen if thing go in the opposite direction. arohadxb I'm currently on the fence with this...one minute I'm up for it ...the next ...the coward in me takes over. You are NOT being a coward if you don't take this job...you are giving yourself time to heal (if thats what you need, I'm sorry I cannot presume to know...so hard). Look, i've lost babies and to this day I am in two minds about how I feel about them (in general). On the one hand I am genuinely thrilled for friends who have a new little one, I love to hold and snuggle with a new one, but there is a sense of loss and hurt, no matter what, even if it isnt at the fore front of my mind, or evident in my behaviour, you know? My midwife for lil miss was an RN who told me that she took up midwifery because it ment so much to her to help new life into the world, rather than ease it out...even with the losses. Can you do that? Cope with the others loss? Only you will know if you can gather the strength to feel the joy and the pain. tough situation sweetie, and you have all me heartfelt good wishes eta: all MY heartfelt wishes even.... <em>edited by arohadxb on 24/03/2011</em>

613

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:36

I am very sorry to hear about your loss and I wish I am next to you to give a big hug... Going back to work is important.. but at the right time and the Right Place.. I do agree with some of what the ladies have mentioned about helping others in the same situation, etc.. but I dont think that emotionally this will be possible. When I lost my grandma who was a special person to me, I couldnt enter her house for 2 years because I hated her house without her, in fact, everytime I had to go visit someone near her house, I had to take another route so I don't pass next to where she lived. Working in the same place will be difficult, maybe others can do it but my heart won't be able to handle it. The place will always have the sad memory and if ever someone passed in the same situation in the hospital during your work schedule, you will go through the same pain again and again. It is your decision but don't stress yourself, give your heart and mind the time to heal.. A big hug to you.

AdviceSeeker13702

1100

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:30

Yea this is one of those questions you've got to answer yourself... A few things you could ask yourself is 1. Do I really want THIS job or would I be taking it just to distract myself/keep myself busy 2. How will I feel being in the ICU unit, seeing babies who are on life support etc 3. How will I feel being around parents who are living through what I've been through 4. Will working in the ICU open up too many wounds? I'm really sorry for your loss, and I can't say what I would do as I have never had your experience, but I would like to think if I were ever in the ICU with a LO of my own, that having someone working there who has been through it themselves would bring much comfort.

1579

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:25

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through :( As arohadxb said - only you can determine that. Perhaps you could speak to the NUM and do a day or two on a trial basis prior to starting (or at least visit the NICU) and "test" yourself? Great advice. xx big hug xx

AzaniaKhayaLam10671

329

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:24

Cheeky Monkey that is what I'm hoping for but I'm afraid of what will happen if thing go in the opposite direction. arohadxb I'm currently on the fence with this...one minute I'm up for it ...the next ...the coward in me takes over.

5400

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 24 March 2011 - 21:24

Oh. My poor love. Two months is not long to get over this. What do you think you really want? Do whatever feels right for you now. I think I'd have to wait till I'd had a completely successful pregnancy before revisiting a place like that. But I'm not you. Do you want to give it a try? And then bail out if it doesn't work for you? Or not risk it? Could you find something similar but not in the same place? My heart goes out to you, and your husband and your lost child.

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