My mum is going to be a granny - and she is TOO excited

My mother was quite disinterested, and did not show any interest for a long time after DS was born. My grandmother (who sounds a lot like your mother) came and stayed with me all day every day at the hospital (Slept there overnight a few times too), attended the birth, and lived with me for over a month after we went home. At times she was so opinionated that it took my last bit of willpower to not throttle her. She was particularly insensitive to my son's mixed race - trying to convince me to move interstate without telling DH and raise my son telling him he is half Australian aboriginal rather than half arab :D Every time my on woke in that month - she was up in her dressing gown making sure I was feeding him right. I used to feel like she must think I am utterly incompetent and wished she would leave me alone to manage it myself. She insisted on sewing all my son's clothes, and they were just hideous but I had to keep dressing him in them because she would be hurt if I didnt/ I remember after she left, sitting with my son an feeling this huge sense of relief. Fast forward 5 years and a move overseas away from my family - I wouldnt change any of it. It doesnt make any difference to me now what my son wore then. It doesnt matter what her opinion was - while I felt like she was interfering with her opinion - it make absolutely no difference now, as I now still do what I want in the same way I always would have. While I wanted to be left alone with my son - I've had 4 and a half years of alone with my son now. That month was nothing. I realized since that there is no one else in the world who would wake up every single night to me for a month whether its what i want them to do or not. No one else would sit and sew every stitch of my son's clothing - even if he had nothing else to wear. I feel glad now that she had that chance to bond with my son, given she lived interstate and I ended up up moving abroad - its the most she'll probably ever see him. If I had not had that time - I'm sure right now I would feel that we'd missed out on a lot. While I was frustrated beyond compare in the middle of it - it bothers me more now that my mother was not there, than that my grandmother was there to the point of what felt at the time like being slowly smothered. Its easy to get caught up in frustrations and personality clashes in the middle of emotional events. Those feelings pass quickly once its over - regret doesn't pass so easily.

Based on my own experience, I would wait until you have a chance to settle in to a routine yourself. When DS was born DH convinced me in advance that his mother would be a godsend. We paid for his parents to fly over and his mum sat around like lady muck for 2 weeks expecting to be waited on hand and foot whilst I was dragging myself around the house in pain. It all blew up with DH telling her to grow up and help out. It was a shame that it ruined those precious moments with my LO. If she does come from day 1, you need to be strong and put your foot down when necessary. But my opinion would be, why put yourself through this un-necessary stress when you have enough to deal with.

Lol. Lots of similar experiences, Kiwispers. I totally agree with getting the gift for mom and letting her know how much her help is appreciated. We did that. I forgot to put that in our post but I know it meant a lot to our family when we did it. We got some of those hand print molds and made them for everyone who came over to stay (MIL, parents, sister) and thanked them for their help. It was really special for them to have that keepsake since they live so far away from us. The confidence building during the first week or so is also great advice. I could totally see that happening with new papas. It also gives you time to talk with hubby and see that you are on the same page and figure things out together as a couple. I also think that it is good to remember that even though they can be a bit much at times they do have experience that we can draw on. I know that with my MIL (very similar to Kiwispers in that she is the opposite of my own mother) did/does very much the opposite of what I do as a mother but that doesn't mean that everything that she says is inappropriate or invaluable for me. I listen, smile and nod until my eyeballs feel like they are going to fall out, and take what I need and leave what I don't. When you are a mother (especially a new one) people seem to think it gives them free reign to give any and all advice or tell you how it should be done. That's how I've perfected it... smile and nod... smile and nod.. offer them a cup of tea. :) Totally agree with KW, we found it worked best to keep our favourite names to ourselves. Once the baby is here and they can see the name with the baby all will be perfect. <em>edited by SweetLily on 06/01/2012</em>

oh and don't tell [b'>anyone[/b'> your favourite names, everyone has an opinion and once the baby is named they will grow to like the name, even if beforehand they had a negative association, its weird how it works like that but I've watched my mum hate both my nephews names and then later on tell me how cute they are and deny having ever said anything negative. and didn't mean to suggest you shouldn't have your mum there for the birth, I just knew in my case she would drive me nuts while I was in labour and we wanted the mummy-daddy time right afterwards, have othe friends who wanted their mums in the birthing room and were so pleased they were there. Don't assume your newborn will necessarily cry a lot and that it will be an awful, stressful or confusing time, certainly some babies do find it harder to adjust to life outside the womb than others but apart from nappy changes my son literally never cried for his first 3 months, he just made a few noises and rooting reflexes etc when hungry, do expect to be mind-alteringly tired though and don't underestimate how that can affect you and your husband.

lol cross-posted with SL, sorry for the repetition xx

When my son was born we asked my mother to wait until 2 weeks after the due date and asked MIL to wait until 4 weeks (that was a compromise as she was already coming halfway to singapore for my SIL's baby's birth and any later and she would have had to do the enitire flight again.) We explained to mum that we wanted a little time to get used to being parents and to build our own confidence together as husband and wife. I told mum I had seen new dad's get sidelined when the "expert" MIL steps in, they lose confidence and back off and by the time your mum leaves they are on the backfoot and therefore less likely to help. Mum was fine with hearing that from me and she made sure she didn't swoop in and keep DH from being involved. Based purely on my experience I would suggest; Your mum's agenda is to [b'>help you[/b'>, you know that already, but you might need to "help her to help you" ;) take advantage of her enthusiasm by directing it toward tasks you are happy to hand over, for me that meant my mum took over my kitchen, did [b'>all [/b'>the cooking (totally up to her what she cooked) and i set her to task stocking my freezer for after she left. She also bathed my son each morning while I had a sleep-in and she showed me the best way to hold him, got me into giving him tummy time and massages afterwards etc, you'l probably find you learn a lot about how to hold and handle a newborn from watching your mum as first time mums and dads get so petrified about the wobbly neck etc (I felt all thumbs and I was used to handling newborns through my job). Don't treat her like a maid with a list of chores, but have a conversation (even before she arrives) that starts with [i'>"I'm so happy you're here, I think I'll really struggle to manage the ...... and the ......, do you think you could take over/help out with that?"[/i'> The major points you might possibly not agree on will most likely be feeding and soothing related. These tend to be the big dividers between parents in general. I had my mum, (very much into cuddling/rocking to sleep and demand feeding) and my MIL (very much into FF, schedules and leaving babies to cry to sleep) both in the house at the same time and it was a little stressful at times. Issues friends of mine have had involved mothers or MILs wanting to give honey, sugar water, or plain boiled water to a breastfed baby (to stretch between feeds or because they thought it was hot here) being told to stop breastfeeding while nipples were bleeding and arguments over the safety of various sleeping positions or amount of bedding to use. It would pay to be on the same page as your husband with this stuff before your baby is born and to have a plan of attack for how you will deal with pressure from parents to do something different. I'd suggest have a few diplomatic phrases on hand, remembering that your mother or MIL is not trying to deliberately harm your baby and probably used the same techniques on you so might be offended by the idea that they did something "outdated" or dangerous. Just say things like ""I'll run that past the Dr first and see what he says", or "yeah that might work, but I'd like to stick with this for a bit longer and see how it goes", rather than "OMG mum honey is dangerous everybody knows that!!' :). Keep in mind you may end up changing your mind about some things later down the track and end up switching to exactly the things you disagreed with your mum on in the first place!. I did on a few things, (ended up demand feeding) other things my mum ended up saying she wished she'd done my way (not rocking to sleep) and we had to agree to disagree on swaddling. If its really difficult, like you're sold on CIO and your mum thinks its barbaric or vice versa, you might have to have more of a heart to heart about it, don't expect her to have to [b'>do[/b'> something she is ethically against, but do expect her to respect your right to do it yourself. Understand thats its practically inevitable that you won't fall out at some point even if you are 100% in agreement on most things and have a chat in advance with your DH about what you'd like him to do (i.e will you handle disagreements with your mum and he his, will he back you up or is it better he stays uninvolved etc). I'd suggest buying her a lovely gift and giving it on the first day she arrives, with a card that reads "[i'>apologies in advance for the ungrateful grumpy cow I am about to be, even if I don't show it I am so glad you are here to support and guide me through such an important time in my life"[/i'>. Believe me when you are feeding a newborn at 12am, 3am, 5am, 8am and changing nappies, burping getting vomited on in between you are definitely going to get slightly irrational and find yourself infuriated by ridiculous things like your mum putting the cups where the plates should be (instead of being so grateful she's done the dishes in the first place) and you will say things you don't mean (ask me how I know this :), I was an ungrateful wench at times and my mum was extremely tolerant to say the least, but I guess she had practice from my teenage days and I did say sorry later). Allow yourslef to be looked after, let your mum bring you a cup of tea, let the house get messy, ask her to vacuum or hang our the washing (but remember to tell her how much of a help she is being). If she doesn't cook, or you have a maid so there is less to do, don't feel like you have to be running around entertaining her, order in and pop her in front of the TV or give her the baby and go to bed for a bit. She's been in your shoes, she knows you need this and she's your mum, you don't need to impress her with your stepford skills. When planning my wedding with an over-enthusiastic MIL I took a friend's advice and simply smiled and nodded when MIL made suggestions I didn't like, and then later just did whatever I had already planned, you can apply the same to this. No point in arguing about it. If you really don't care then let the small stuff slide i.e let her dress your child in something you think is hideous and don't frea out if you come down stairs and see her rocking your baby to sleep. But be very clear in things that are 100% [b'>not ok[/b'> with you. I made sure DH told MIL "no water, no purees, nothing besides BM, definitely pick him up if he cries" several times before we ever left her alone with DS. I know she disagreed with us, but I absolutely trust that she respected our wishes. In our case having the time before Mum arrived was the right choice, expecially for DH to build his confidence with DS but I was so pleased when Mum arrived and so sad when she left 4 weeks later although I actually probably rested more once it was just me and my baby in the house. MIL's visit I could have done without, I found it exhausting having both mothers in the house at the same time and I felt like I got less help and spent more time entertaining, or talking when I should have been sleeping, but some things you have to let slide and MIL would have been terribly hurt if we'd said she couldn't come at all. I did tell my dad he couldn't come, am lucky that I can be direct with my parents, I told my dad he would be bored, hot and probably in the way and he happily agreed ;) You are lucky your mum is enthusiastic, if you can manage to direct her enthusiasm into the areas you are happy for her to take over then hopefully she'll feel appreciated and you'll feel quietly in control. Win-win, just don't expect her to read your mind. I am so grateful for the help my mum was to me and although I guess I would have managed without her, I'm glad I didn't have to. You'll find your way. xxx <em>edited by kiwispiers on 06/01/2012</em>

Hi Nimonemo, For our first daughter we had our family come over a week after the birth and for this one (due end of Feb/early March) we are having them come maybe three weeks after the birth - at the end of March. With my first daughter we had my MIL come over for a week, a week after she was born, then she left and my parents came for two weeks, then they left and my sister came for two weeks. We loved having them all around but by the end of it we were really ready to get settled into our new family life. We are happy to have them all come a bit later and have them here for a shorter amount of time this time around. I think it really does depend on how you feel about how outspoken you can be with your feelings while your mother is there. I feel that it is very important that the mom and dads are the ones who hold the baby for those first precious weeks. The baby needs to bond with you. Often when you have visitors in those first few weeks/months they are the ones that end up holding the baby and you are making cups of tea or doing the laundry or washing the dishes when you should be resting, recovering and bonding with baby. What we did was not have any visitors for that first week and when we finally had them come around we made a list of things that needed to be done and put it on the kitchen door. That way when people came to visit they could feel like they were helping out. This worked our really well and, while I don't know your mom, people really understood that we wanted a babymoon with no visitors and they loved that they were able to help around the house and didn't mind having only a few cuddles with the baby. Another thing to consider is if you are going to breastfeed. Those first couple/few weeks are often spent lying around the house with your baps out and nursing all the time. It is important for you to get that nursing relationship secured right away and if you aren't going to be comfortable nursing in front of others right away you might want to hold off on the visitors for a little bit otherwise you could be spending a lot of time tucked away in a corner somewhere. That doesn't go for everyone of course, but something to keep in mind depending on how you are wanting to feed and how comfortable you will be with nursing in front of others in those early days. It sounds like your mother is very excited and that is wonderful. I wonder if you might be able to give her specific tasks that could direct that excitement into something that would be really useful for you or have her be really involved in the things that are ok for you to have her really involved in. Like picking out a colour for the nursery or choosing a cot, etc. My husband and my parenting style is very different from what our family is used to. We get a lot of slack, especially from my in-laws, about some of the things we do and with the medical community over here for our choices. Rather than engage in the conversations, which would usually end in an argument or debate, have some responses at the ready. These include, for example: Them: "We didn't do [enter parenting choice here'> and look, our kids are fine." Us: "There is research now that wasn't around when your kids were younger that suggests it is great for the baby and I know research will change when our kids are older but we're going by what we know right now. We can only do what's best for our family with the information we have at the time." Them: "You MUST do/not do [enter parenting choice here'>. You are going to spoil/damage/destroy your child." Us: "Ah, thanks so much. Got that covered. Would you like another cup of tea?" Them: "But your MUST have [enter some medical jargon here'> for your child." Us: *smile and nod and tell them, "No thanks." If I must, then I am a bit more forceful and let them know that we love them very much (well, not the doctors. Lol), that we know and can see how much they love our kids, but this is the way that we parent and it isn't up for discussion. I don't overload them with facts or figures or try to change their mind because I don't think that's what they're looking for. I just nod and smile and stay resolute in our choices. I suppose that's what I would suggest for you. To think about what those first couple of weeks are going to be like with your baby. Imagine it both with and without your mother. What kind of help do you want in those first few days/weeks. Before the baby is born maybe don't tell her everything if you know it is only going to be up for debate or start an argument - like names. Instead I would just keep it to myself or have the smile and nod at the ready. Let her have her say but don't engage in debate. A smile and nod along with the offer of a cup of tea/sandwich/sweet, or a smile and a nod before changing the subject to your sister's crazy new hairstyle/boyfriend/outfit, can be a fantastic thing. :) If you do decide to have her wait for a little while after the baby is born before she comes just be prepared. Have a stretchy baby wrap at the ready - we use a Moby (they are lifesavers) - so that you can do things around the house hands free. Have friends, lactation consultants (if nursing) and take out delivery numbers on speed dial so that they can be there at a moment's notice. Have your friends organize bringing over evening meals. Stock the freezer before you give birth. Chili freezes well, as does lasagna. I do think it is wonderful that your mother is so excited but know from experience that as wonderful as it can be it can also be very stressful. (We were all running late for my wedding reception and my mother yelled out "I can't believe I'm late for my own party!" Lol.) Stick with your gut feeling on this one and be prepared for whatever choice you make. You have that mama intuition coursing through your veins now. Trust that and go with what that inner mother says. Hope that helps. xx <em>edited by SweetLily on 06/01/2012</em>

At the end of the day, the OP asked for advice after explainig HER situation and feelings. She got feedback from those who had gone through it. Everyones experience is different and needs are different and so are our mothers and relationships with daughters. Only she knows her relationship with her mum and knows what will work or not. I think telling those of differing views they are selfish, ungratefull and thoughtless etc is a bit out of line. We are all entitled to our thoughts, whether you agree or disagree with them, it might be a good idea to keep your personal thoughts about posts you dont agree with on an impersonal level. the OP will eventually come to her own decision while taking bits and pieces of everyones thoughts to heart. I am assuming your comments are aimed at me. I have an opinion too, it differs from yours, however that doesn't make me suggest for you not to post your comments. To elaborate on my earlier post, I feel it is ungrateful, and that shutting out your mother and another person who is excited to love your baby is a shame. If OP would want to consider my opinion I feel she should let her mother be a grandmother and help. Things fall into place and unless the OP has a bad relationship with her mother it should work out fine as they obviously all love each other, I think what new parents seem to forget is that grandmothers have already been mothers and for the most part are actually excited about being grandparents, helping their own child through a time they probably found pretty scary and daunting for themselves and also looking forward to being able to watch their child be a parent. They also LOVE to be able to enjoy their grandchildren and hand them back to mum aka daughter and not having to wake up at night for feeds or always change the nappies, but instead give mum a rest during the day while they play with little one for a few hours etc. of just be there if needed. New parents do get a little possessive of the first child worried that mum will take over but in reality most mums are quite happy to not have the responsibility like they did for their own kids but still have the love. Obviously the OP knows her relationships best and will make a decision based on her own situation, but as much as mum needs time to get to know baby, she also may need time to rest and recoup, and having grandma around could be a great help. OP good luck to you either way, you have a new baby coming and obviously already a few people who love your little one, just enjoy it and do what works best for you and your baby, at the end of the day thats what is really important, I think your gut will tell you what is best, follow that and you will have made the right decision. PGTips, not quite sure why you think what I said in general was aimed at you but, whatever..I just said basically, stop with the name calling if you dont agree...did you name call?

I think you have to take account of the personalities involved and previous relations - just having given birth is an incredbly vulnerable time for a new mother - some will really appreciate the support and "domestic services" of thei own mother - other new mums have mothers who don't know how to have an adult relationship with their daughters and know no reasonable boundaries If you have the type of mother who is going to waltz in and demand to name the baby and nag her daughter that there are only 2 ways to look after the baby --&gt; *her* way or the *wrong* way!!! Then you will probably be better off getting your strength back for a week or two before you have visitors .... and if you have a mother/MIL who expets a *Royal visit* with full waitress service as happened to me once then I'd leave it for 2-3 months!!! There is one very important point that no-one has raised this - how does your DH feel? While your mother's feelings are important its not the *most* important consideration I do know many men who have felt pushed out when their MIL/mother descends and takes over care of the baby - so perhaps your DH would like time to get to know their baby

At the end of the day, the OP asked for advice after explainig HER situation and feelings. She got feedback from those who had gone through it. Everyones experience is different and needs are different and so are our mothers and relationships with daughters. Only she knows her relationship with her mum and knows what will work or not. I think telling those of differing views they are selfish, ungratefull and thoughtless etc is a bit out of line. We are all entitled to our thoughts, whether you agree or disagree with them, it might be a good idea to keep your personal thoughts about posts you dont agree with on an impersonal level. the OP will eventually come to her own decision while taking bits and pieces of everyones thoughts to heart. I am assuming your comments are aimed at me. I have an opinion too, it differs from yours, however that doesn't make me suggest for you not to post your comments. To elaborate on my earlier post, I feel it is ungrateful, and that shutting out your mother and another person who is excited to love your baby is a shame. If OP would want to consider my opinion I feel she should let her mother be a grandmother and help. Things fall into place and unless the OP has a bad relationship with her mother it should work out fine as they obviously all love each other, I think what new parents seem to forget is that grandmothers have already been mothers and for the most part are actually excited about being grandparents, helping their own child through a time they probably found pretty scary and daunting for themselves and also looking forward to being able to watch their child be a parent. They also LOVE to be able to enjoy their grandchildren and hand them back to mum aka daughter and not having to wake up at night for feeds or always change the nappies, but instead give mum a rest during the day while they play with little one for a few hours etc. of just be there if needed. New parents do get a little possessive of the first child worried that mum will take over but in reality most mums are quite happy to not have the responsibility like they did for their own kids but still have the love. Obviously the OP knows her relationships best and will make a decision based on her own situation, but as much as mum needs time to get to know baby, she also may need time to rest and recoup, and having grandma around could be a great help. OP good luck to you either way, you have a new baby coming and obviously already a few people who love your little one, just enjoy it and do what works best for you and your baby, at the end of the day thats what is really important, I think your gut will tell you what is best, follow that and you will have made the right decision.

I would only ensure that your mum is in good physical health before she arrives. You are so lucky that your mother's focus is the baby; my step mother was more interested in being a tourist and visiting friends (would disappear for hours at a time), but she did help at night and with breast-feeding technique and cooking high-nutrient foods for me. My grandmother was very keen to be present at the birth of DS1 (I was her first grandchild and placed in her hands soon after delivery), but no one thought to tell me that she had not healed thoroughly from back surgery several months ago and therefore required assistance with most things. Or that she is scared of hospitals. Or that her overall health condition was much worse than I remembered. I was unexpectedly hospitalized a few days after her arrival, my expected housemaid didn't arrive until DS1 was 8 weeks old, we were put in a very embarrassing situation on the first day of DS1's life, and we remain grateful to a family with plenty of experience in caring for elderly at home who happily hosted and cared for her for the remainder of her visit. <em>edited by Apricot on 06/01/2012</em>

How blessed your baby will be to have a grandmother who already loves him this much before he's even born. If she is this excited about her grandson - I can only imagine how excited she must have been when you were due to be born. Her baby is having a baby! She is as eager to look after you now as you feel now to look after your baby. I think it's beautiful.

At the end of the day, the OP asked for advice after explainig HER situation and feelings. She got feedback from those who had gone through it. Everyones experience is different and needs are different and so are our mothers and relationships with daughters. Only she knows her relationship with her mum and knows what will work or not. I think telling those of differing views they are selfish, ungratefull and thoughtless etc is a bit out of line. We are all entitled to our thoughts, whether you agree or disagree with them, it might be a good idea to keep your personal thoughts about posts you dont agree with on an impersonal level. the OP will eventually come to her own decision while taking bits and pieces of everyones thoughts to heart.

I just read through this thread, and two things come to mind: 1. You don't know what you have until it's gone 2. Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted So true PGtips, my mum died 25 days after my wedding and off course never saw my children. What I wouldn't give for her to be with my children or a second, no matter what she would have wanted to do.

I just read through this thread, and two things come to mind: 1. You don't know what you have until it's gone 2. Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted

what a sad thread - so much negativity.. congrats to the OP - having a baby really is an exciting time, not just for the parents-to-be but the whole family.. sorry, but so many selfish, ungrateful and thoughtless comments here.. i envy the OP - neither my own mother nor MIL got involved in my pregnancies or resulting babies. Our eldest has stayed with grandparents 3 times (and one of those was while i was in hospital having his brother) and our youngest never. I'd have loved for them to have spent more time with us after the births, or any time.. Please OP (and anyone else in the same position), try putting yourself in your mother's shoes - she's just thrilled and letting her bond properly with your baby will be the best thing you can do for both of them (IMHO). What a lovely post Sue.

For me my parents arriving after 2 weeks was a blessing and perfect timing. Hubby and I had time alone to get to know our baby, work things out on our own (sometimes the hard way :)) and enjoy being a new family. By the time my parents arrived we had found our feet and were starting to feel confident with our DD and parents were happy to slot in. We told NOBODY our names for fear of people putting us off and only when DD was born did we announce it, by then it was a real name belonging to an adorable little bundle and everyone loved it! A few of my friends who had their mothers over before/straight after the birth really struggled when they left. They were so used to having help 24/7 that when hubby went back to work and everyone else left they didnt feel confident with their little ones. I guess its a really personal thing and whether your mother will let you work things out for yourself or take over. Whatever you do you have to sit down with hubby and decide what you want happening like will baby be offered a dummy, left to sleep and never wakened, cuddled to sleep or swaddled n settled on their own etc etc You might change your mind at times but it should be your decision. Mothers will want to offer advice which will sometimes be really outdated and othertimes a lifesaver, but it should be just that, offered as advice and not told thats the way it should be. When you have a baby you also have mothers instinct and you must go with it. You might question it and take time to trust it, but you know your baby needs best. Your mother also had this instinct with you but all babies are different and what worked for her babies might not work for yours. I would say enjoy your new family time and get to know each other before opening it up to extended family. Good luck

Don't let me start talking about MIL... I won't mix the two of them in the same thread (Mum and MIL) because they roles are soooo different that you cannot compare. For those who were "on your own" during the first month - did you cope ok? I mean, not only with the baby but also with shopping, cooking, etc. Come on...most people in the world are " alone" during this time! :\: You get up, you feed a baby, it sleeps in those early days, you get a shower, you get dressed and you are ready to go by 8 am before the shops are even open! You get out and about, you come home, you sleep when they do if you are in the house or you tidy then. I think that some people now read too many books about routines, babies and this and that and have very fixed ideas about what to do and when to do it - go with the flow and how your baby is. Listen - but you don't have to DO - to what your Mum has to offer ( after all she has been there). My Mum gave me one of the best tips ever with my first child which completely changed how we were living. It was simple - feed him some baby rice, he is a big boy and he is hungry - the gripes went, he settled and he slept through the night from 8 weeks. Bliss. Do think though that it is good to have your first couple of weeks together BUT imagine how desperate your family will be to see this baby. It's not as if they can just pop round the corner every other day! :)

I think my daughter must be a saint to have approached my grannyhood the way she did. However I think it would be really cruel to want to be a fly on the wall when some of the posters here come crashing down to earth with a healthy dose of reality once motherhood strikes. I think its safe to say granny would be more than welcome and there would be plenty of space in the garage for her broomstick.

You want your 1st few weeks alone with your baby, to learn about her, to experience the joy, tiredness and terror lol....If your mother stresses you so much you will not have a good experience annd if you are breastfeedig, that could end up being a disaster for you and the baby! So, you could possibly ask your mother how her mother worked herself in in the 1st few weeks after your husband was born....did she meddle, tell your mother what to do, interfer etc....either way, you must let her know that you love her but the baby is yours and your husbands and you need to learn by doing. The 1st few weeks are so precious and scary but we all get through them. If you honestly donot want your mum there in the beginning, ask her to come 2weeks later when you all have bonded as a family. Not to worry about the baby bonding with her,babies will bond with who loves them. And btw, you are NOT selfish in not wanting your mother there right away. After all, it is your family and you must set the ground rules. All mothers are different, some guide, some are bossy and some are there to help without alot of opinions unless asked :)

Don't let me start talking about MIL... I won't mix the two of them in the same thread (Mum and MIL) because they roles are soooo different that you cannot compare. For those who were "on your own" during the first month - did you cope ok? I mean, not only with the baby but also with shopping, cooking, etc. I had a part time nanny paid just to let me sleep a few hours. Apart from this I think I survived only because my husband is of great help when he is not travelling and also because I have a sort of crush on my baby which is giving me the energies I used to experience as a teenager in love. But I am exhausted too. It IS hard and tiring. Any extra help you can get is welcome.

Don't let me start talking about MIL... I won't mix the two of them in the same thread (Mum and MIL) because they roles are soooo different that you cannot compare. For those who were "on your own" during the first month - did you cope ok? I mean, not only with the baby but also with shopping, cooking, etc. I was totally alone after the birth of my first child. Not even my husband was there! I coped fine except for breastfeeding. I was not able to breastfeed my daughter and I think the lack of support had a lot to do with it. For grocery shopping, I'd clip my DD's car seat onto the stroller. For regular shopping, I had a travel system stroller so I didn't have to wake my DD up during car transfers. For cooking, well, I always ordered home delivery!

My mum is planning to come over when I deliver later this year and I am also a bit stressed about it all. At the moment, I feel that I will initially want to spend some time with my husband and our newborn baby without anyone else interfering. I'm sure my mum will be of great help and I do want her to come over maybe a couple of weeks after birth.

I think that something like that was my worst fear with my mum, on one side her being so so so happy and so at risk of "invading" my spaces as she often tended to do, with the added problem of me wanting to preserve the baby habits and patterns already established, and on the other side me wanting to let her fully enjoy the baby and the baby enjoy the grandmother, even more important since we are so far away and she has some serious health problem. What happened is that she came and started acting like she knew everything about newborns and I nothing, baby cried like crazy for a whole day in her hands because I let her do her way, but I kept explaining my "rules" and the reasons for them; she is not stupid nor ill-meaning of course so she was really sorry for the baby's reaction. After one night of my taking care of the baby in her room while she pretended to sleep, with the baby calm and relaxed at last, she started treating me with more respect, like a grown up, and following my methods, giving at the same time welcome suggestions. The good thing was that she came here when I had already spent more than one month almost alone with my baby, giving her my imprinting and at the same time getting to know her and her ways, so I knew what I was talking about and why. I didn't tell her that maybe the sudden presence of a new person might have contributed to upsetting my daughter. So the point was to show her for real with calm and patience that I was up to the task. Now our relationship is even improved. Mother in law didn't even try to take the baby in her lap, she is good at talking but not at doing things so everybody was fine :D Good luck!!!!!

Please OP (and anyone else in the same position), try putting yourself in your mother's shoes - she's just thrilled and letting her bond properly with your baby will be the best thing you can do for both of them (IMHO). Sue62, I'm sorry that your parents haven't been involved as you would have wished but don't you think the mother should also try putting herself in her daughters shoes? If she is going to be upsetting and stressing out her daughter then maybe she should give her some space? Stressed out mummy stressed out baby. It maybe be the best thing for the grandmother to let her be around and you may think it selfish but I think a new mothers feelings get priority over her parents or in laws. Recovering from birth, adjusting to a new role, hormones raging, new mums really need to look after themselves and if that means not having parents around initially then so be it. Of course, in an ideal world everyone would have amazing parents/ in laws who wouldn't judge, criticise and undermine and they would welcome them with open arms after the birth of a new baby but unfortunately that is not always the case. Thanks but at the time i didn't realise - it's only in hindsight that i've wished things had been different.. so sad that the presence of one's own mother/MIL can be stressful for some new mums...

Please OP (and anyone else in the same position), try putting yourself in your mother's shoes - she's just thrilled and letting her bond properly with your baby will be the best thing you can do for both of them (IMHO). Sue62, I'm sorry that your parents haven't been involved as you would have wished but don't you think the mother should also try putting herself in her daughters shoes? If she is going to be upsetting and stressing out her daughter then maybe she should give her some space? Stressed out mummy stressed out baby. It maybe be the best thing for the grandmother to let her be around and you may think it selfish but I think a new mothers feelings get priority over her parents or in laws. Recovering from birth, adjusting to a new role, hormones raging, new mums really need to look after themselves and if that means not having parents around initially then so be it. Of course, in an ideal world everyone would have amazing parents/ in laws who wouldn't judge, criticise and undermine and they would welcome them with open arms after the birth of a new baby but unfortunately that is not always the case.

my mum was an absolute gem when i had my son... I had a very complicated pregnancy resulting in an emergency C Section. She looked after me, my husband, my baby, my house.. I cant thank her enough . We are so much closer then we were previosuly and the bond between her and my son is precious. I envisage me being the same when I find out my son is going to be a dad but you know what, I dont care... ! my mum says that the love that you feel seeing your childrens children is something else. her taking over allowed to to get better and give time to my husband as well who are usually forgotten when it comes to pregnancy and babies !