Do/did you teach your children

Oh i was about right! LOL When you explain it further and put it into context it makes sense and i think most teachers certainly at KS2 + would incorporate using similar sentences. For me the wordage is *hard* (rather than meaning) and I would rather use a more passive sentence structure and wordage, ie [i'>ask[/i'> rather than[i'> tell[/i'>. I feel when it is used in conversation as advice it's fine. I just had visions of EY children coming to you and the first words out of your mouth were "Did you tell them to stop"! You come across as having great empathy, willing to deal with issues faced in your classroom by *thinking out the box*, so i ask you is it the new strategy you have put in place that is seeing results or that you are empathetic and a good teacher, who does care? A caring teacher will always improve behaviours.

When I ask a student "did you tell them to stop? Did you tell them you don't like it" it is not done to persecute the injured party. All chat to students does not have to be in a stern voice - this is done in a way to let that person know: you have my attention, I am ready to solve this, so let me know where you two stand. I ask those questions so that I will know what has transpired between the children before I get involved. If the offended party has not told the other student he doesn't like what the 'bully' has done to then, then this is a great opportunity for me to work with both students to help them discuss things like mature kids should. Of course it is a learning process, and it is a great way to teach students to police themselves. In my mind, this is much more important than having a teacher in charge who thinks she knows every student's feelings, thoughts and motivations. A conversation about the situation gets started and we get down to the real problem. I expect the students to giggle and get shy. This is not a punitive exercise, it is a learning exercise. They are not used to speaking to each other in assertive ways - it is usually passive then angry. There is no in between - no nice way to ask someone to stop. I am not punishing anyone and I often thank the student who told me about the problem so that I could help solve it. It is not about punishing anyone - it is about fixing the problem! This is part of the way this teacher "engages, uses differentiation, and conducts the class." I just want kids to be able to stand up for themselves in a positive way. I also want them to know that if they have done something wrong, there is a way to fix things. I hate it when I am working with a kid they feel so bad that they have done something and they don't know how to make things better. This behavior resolution program is as much about teaching the offender to apologize properly as it is teaching the offended to speak up. Sticky Wicket, I teach Year 2 students but the majority of my experience is with Years 5 and 6. I have two children in nursery and I teach them to use these words with each other and with others at school. What grades did you teach? Government or private schools?

Why do you have a concern with an adult saying "Did you tell them to stop? Did you tell them you don't like it?" to a kid who has a problem with another kid? Neither is being punished. Once you spend a lot of time with a group of kids, you realize that the person telling is also often the person who started it. Not a punishable offense, because they might have a valid reason for starting it, but my point is, why should an adult always need to get involved? Wouldn't it be so much more effective if they could speak for themselves? I have a huge concern with an adult saying this. If a child is feeling bullied even slightly it takes ALOT of bravery to speak up and say something, to then be told that it was almost your own fault because you didnt say you didnt like it? (sorry, but this is how the child would feel, and trust me, I know, I have been in those shoes) You can bet that child speaks up only that one time, perhaps twice, then the child gives up on adults altogether and suffers in silence, no matter what the problem, this is not what I want for my child, or any child.

Hi Albertina, Well i take on board what you are saying but i'm thinking you re teaching KS2/year 2 rather than EY or year 1 and have either no children yourself or young children pre school age. Could be way off of course! I think a lot of how you handle situations depends on age range and class mix, school and parental support. My thoughts on your response are that as the class teacher you should know very quicky the individual characters of each child and therefore know what behavious to expect from the little blighters. Being aware of who is strong, weak, sensitive and down right obnoxious. Who uses their fists first, etc etc. Also which children are having issues in school, at home etc etc. As a parent to hear from a teacher that dealing with issues takes up too much time and therefore turning policing of bad behavious back onto the students to me is unacceptable. Dealing with issues fast and effectively and preventing them from occurring in the first place through strong supervison and pastoral care is IMHO more appropriate. And seriously if a kid is giggling when you are speaking to them about a serious issue you need to work on your *big mean voice* a bit more. If you know your class you will not punish the wrong child and traditional must not be mistaken for respect and discipline, both i feel come from experience. Generally i think most issues and bad behaviour can be kept minimal through how the teacher engages, uses differentiation and conducts the class and of course most importantly themselves. Taking the time to really understand your students and the reasons behind individual bad behaviour traits will reduce disruption within the classroom environment. Be interesting to see what the TES gurus would say on this subject, of course the responses will be based on experience, age range and a diverse range of students. What age range do you feel this self empowering route should be used at?

Thanks for the advice, Sticky Wicket. That is exactly how I have handled similar situations in the past. It doesn't, however, teach children to stand up for themselves. In addition, so much learning time is lost in a school day due to the teacher figuring out who did what to whom that students who could be learning are instead waiting for the teacher to finish sorting out the problem between kid 1 and kid 2. I have tried to teach children the language to use with each other and it has been a huge success. Why do you have a concern with an adult saying "Did you tell them to stop? Did you tell them you don't like it?" to a kid who has a problem with another kid? Neither is being punished. Once you spend a lot of time with a group of kids, you realize that the person telling is also often the person who started it. Not a punishable offense, because they might have a valid reason for starting it, but my point is, why should an adult always need to get involved? Wouldn't it be so much more effective if they could speak for themselves? When I pose the question to the 'teller' they usually get a goofy grin and shy face and say no, so I call the other student up and help them 'script' a conversation. Both kids usually end up giggling and being shy, but learn to use words to stand up for themselves or to explain their actions. It works for me and will work for a lot of kids. I completely understand your more traditional methods, but sometimes the adults get the wrong story and punish the wrong kids.

Thanks Pancake - this approach took a few years for me to figure out - and I am still figuring out how to empower children. I want them to learn to solve problems without adult intervention all the time. Of course there are times when adult intervention is immediately necessary, but for the majority of events, the students can figure them out for themselves when given the proper words. Sticky Wicket, if you do not like this then do not use it. If you don't think kids hit/bump into/touch each other frequently, then perhaps you could spend some time in one of the primary schools in your area and observe a class. Since each child comes into the world with their own little personality, what is friendly joshing around to one kid is painful bullying to another. Some kids are more sensitive than others and rather than they go around with hurt feelings, I would like to teach them how to say, "Please stop that, I don't like it." In addition, I hate the idea that kids who are just rambunctious and playful are labeled bullies from an early age because they weren't taught to say, "I'm sorry, I was just playing." How do you handle it when kids argue? It would to nice to hear some other solutions for children to use when dealing with each other. How do i handle kids that argue? Simple, they play nicely or don't play at all, apologise for belting each other and get on with it. If one is really out of line then they get given a task to do or timeout in silence until they can behave with decorum. Pushing around as joshing, gets told to quit it and behave. Would the first words out of my mouth to a small person who had come to me to report being hit be * Did you tell them to stop and you don't like that* NO they wouldn't, i want to keep the child's trust that they can come and report such information without feeling that somehow they were at fault. My response would propably be, *Oh dear, tell me what happened and why?* Followed up by talking to both children and explaining that not being nice to each other is simply put *not nice* and to say sorry and go play nicely or dependant on issue time out.

Thanks Pancake - this approach took a few years for me to figure out - and I am still figuring out how to empower children. I want them to learn to solve problems without adult intervention all the time. Of course there are times when adult intervention is immediately necessary, but for the majority of events, the students can figure them out for themselves when given the proper words. Sticky Wicket, if you do not like this then do not use it. If you don't think kids hit/bump into/touch each other frequently, then perhaps you could spend some time in one of the primary schools in your area and observe a class. Since each child comes into the world with their own little personality, what is friendly joshing around to one kid is painful bullying to another. Some kids are more sensitive than others and rather than they go around with hurt feelings, I would like to teach them how to say, "Please stop that, I don't like it." In addition, I hate the idea that kids who are just rambunctious and playful are labeled bullies from an early age because they weren't taught to say, "I'm sorry, I was just playing." How do you handle it when kids argue? It would to nice to hear some other solutions for children to use when dealing with each other.

It is extremely important to teach children to speak up for themselves in constructive ways. Instead of hitting back (the original hitter could have been teasing or even flirting) I tell children to say, "Stop that, I do not like it." or ask "Why are you doing that. It hurts" or their version. It is good for children to learn to speak to each other clearly about what they like and what they don't like. It is amazing how many times a day a kid 'tells' on a classmate but will not speak to the offender themselves. My first question when a kid tells on a classmate is "Did you tell him you didn't like it? Did you ask him to stop?" I also explain clearly that kids tease or hit for three reasons - to be mean or to be funny or on accident. Things are much easier if kids learn how to apologize properly - not just "I'm sorry" but that paired with "I did it on accident (or trying to be funny or because I am mad that you took my pencil...)" That way, students who are just really bad at comedic timing will not be accused of being bullies, just rubbish flirts. This works well with primary age students - the younger they start doing it the better, but even year 6 students will do it if pushed. Not always fun, but worth it in the end! I don't like your wordage use or this approach to little people it changes the emphasis on to the child who has been abused. I understand your theory but not your wordage used, one would hope that a primary teacher would handle such a situation with some empthaty towards the victim rather than making the victim feel even worse. I also don't agree with your making of excuses for children that basically hit others, it's not ok end of and regardless of what the cause or intention was should be nipped in the bud straight away. edited by Sticky Wicket on 08/04/2011

It is extremely important to teach children to speak up for themselves in constructive ways. Instead of hitting back (the original hitter could have been teasing or even flirting) I tell children to say, "Stop that, I do not like it." or ask "Why are you doing that. It hurts" or their version. It is good for children to learn to speak to each other clearly about what they like and what they don't like. It is amazing how many times a day a kid 'tells' on a classmate but will not speak to the offender themselves. My first question when a kid tells on a classmate is "Did you tell him you didn't like it? Did you ask him to stop?" I also explain clearly that kids tease or hit for three reasons - to be mean or to be funny or on accident. Things are much easier if kids learn how to apologize properly - not just "I'm sorry" but that paired with "I did it on accident (or trying to be funny or because I am mad that you took my pencil...)" That way, students who are just really bad at comedic timing will not be accused of being bullies, just rubbish flirts. This works well with primary age students - the younger they start doing it the better, but even year 6 students will do it if pushed. Not always fun, but worth it in the end! albertina - this is such good advice. As a primary teacher I am always aware that it very rarely is as simple as "he hit me so I hit him back". Your wording for the children is great - I shall use this with my 3 year old DS.

It is extremely important to teach children to speak up for themselves in constructive ways. Instead of hitting back (the original hitter could have been teasing or even flirting) I tell children to say, "Stop that, I do not like it." or ask "Why are you doing that. It hurts" or their version. It is good for children to learn to speak to each other clearly about what they like and what they don't like. It is amazing how many times a day a kid 'tells' on a classmate but will not speak to the offender themselves. My first question when a kid tells on a classmate is "Did you tell him you didn't like it? Did you ask him to stop?" I also explain clearly that kids tease or hit for three reasons - to be mean or to be funny or on accident. Things are much easier if kids learn how to apologize properly - not just "I'm sorry" but that paired with "I did it on accident (or trying to be funny or because I am mad that you took my pencil...)" That way, students who are just really bad at comedic timing will not be accused of being bullies, just rubbish flirts. This works well with primary age students - the younger they start doing it the better, but even year 6 students will do it if pushed. Not always fun, but worth it in the end!

Are parents REALLY ready to deal with the consequences of "fight back for yourself"? There is a difference between standing up for yourself and fighting back. This video was all over the internet last month and LUCKILY the boy who is seemingly the instigator by punching the other kid ONLY walked away with bruises and a broken ego. He could have broken his neck, got a concussion, etc. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KakZkh9Iu7U

OK thanks G2G now Im about to slap DH and see how he like it ha ....and see how long he could hold his breathe.

Studies show that kids who stand up for themselves are more popular at school and do better in life. I say, belt the little bully! (Not really belt him, but it is Thursday.)

To fight back when bullied. I say ignore DH says punch em in the face. Is this at school? Have you raised it to the teacher? yes its in school. some lttle fat brat keeps pushing him in the playground. Ive not told the school cos the parent is the school creep and is right up the teachers **** You should raise it with the parent of the child, my sisters son was being bullied by another child in his school, and my sister stormed up to the parent one day, and said, did you know your son has been bullying my son at school and its really starting to bother him, anyway the parent was mortified, told her DS off, and got him to apologize, and it hasn't happened since... If the parents brush you off, then take it to the teacher and principal.

My sons being bullied he passed out a couple of weeks ago cos he held his breath. DH went mad and [b'>called him a wimp[/b'>. Sounds like your son might be being bullied by more than one person. :\:

To fight back when bullied. I say ignore DH says punch em in the face. Is this at school? Have you raised it to the teacher? Raised what? bullying Sorry couldnt understand your bad english. Oh dear. Never mind. Let's just say my English is as good as your comprehension. <em>edited by Sugarbeach on 07/04/2011</em>

To fight back when bullied. I say ignore DH says punch em in the face. Is this at school? Have you raised it to the teacher? Raised what? bullying

To fight back when bullied. I say ignore DH says punch em in the face. Is this at school? Have you raised it to the teacher? Raised what?

To fight back when bullied. I say ignore DH says punch em in the face. Is this at school? Have you raised it to the teacher?

Yes and no. Not really "fight" back because most of the time it involves words, not physical, and when girls (and sometimes boys) are being mean to each other it's more subtle. When someone is being mean to her at school, she's also worked out ways of handling it herself that I hadn't thought of. If it's physical, she doesn't really fight back, but she's not really been involved in that apart from the usual pushing, hitting and hair pulling as a toddler when adults have been around to intervene. But you are not talking small children here are you? I think boys and girls are different in the ways they could bully each other. <em>edited by Sugarbeach on 07/04/2011</em>

I think kids really need to learn to stand up for themselves. There's been quite a few studies, and apparently ignoring bullies doesn't deflect them it empowers them, the more a child doesn't stand up for themselves the more the bully thinks they have an easy target. I don't think its right to teach them to use violence, but its really important to teach them to stand up for themselves, and not be afraid of a bully, and to feel safe enough to talk to their parents about the bullying (so calling them a wimp isn't very helpful) If your son is really being bullied, I suggest you have a look at some of the methods psychologists suggest to deal with bullies: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Deal-with-Bullies/8 I've watched quite a few oprah shows about bullying and there's some good info on her website.

My sons being bullied he passed out a couple of weeks ago cos he held his breath. DH went mad and called him a wimp. Taekwondo, this is my only answer. He will feel so powerful, it will show in the way he holds himself.

I have taught them to use their voice. Most men go with the 'punch them back' theory, but in reality unless your child is ultra smart, then they will be the ones caught and get the punishment. Saying that, yes, I have taught mine that they must not tolerate anyone touching them....ever.

If it's a one time thing, he should stand up for himself, but if it is regular bullying, you probably should involve the school.

Yes, kind of. kind of what? Well, my DD is only 3. We were at the park a few days ago and she was riding on some animal toy. Some boy came charging at her to get on it and she got off. When she came to me, I told her not to get off something just because someone else told you to. It's not really being bullied but she is only 3. One time, she pushed a boy whom she felt was getting too close to her little sister. I was proud!

Yes, kind of.