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Serious thread....children and the topic of death

Freckles 128127

787

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 10:58

On the way to school this morning my 4 yr old shocked me by asking me if I was going to die. I was driving and caught totally unawares and my first response was "yes but not until I am very very old and you will be grown up and have children of your own"

This was obviously not a good reply as she then got upset and asked me not to have any more birthdays so I wouldn't get old. She then also asked me if children die. I just couldn't answer that one and I had tears in my eyes (not a good move when you are driving on the SZR)

I spoke to her class teacher when I got to school and she reccomended some books to look at but in the meantime does anyone have any advice on what to say to her if she asks again? We are not particularly religious but I thought of talking about heaven etc?

I think this has come about as a month ago a close friend's guinnea p1g died and this was her first experience of something not being alive and having a "forever" sleep.

Any thoughts or suggestion please?

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96

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 28 January 2011 - 10:51

I lost my father recently and my LO and my sisters LO (5) were pretty distressed about it. What can tell you was that we were all very frank and open about our feelings of sadness and loss AND that we made a point of making sure the kids were 'in on' everything that was happening. Including visiting him on his deathbed, going to the funeral and burial and seeing their grandfathers body. The LO's especially were NOT afraid and while they were sad, in my opinion, the understanding and information they had proved very comforting. By contrast, my SIL who did not allow her DD's (8,9, 10) to participate in this in any way because she thought they would be harmed by it, is currently dealing with lots of night terrors, bed wetting, tooth grinding etc. and all sorts of things which seem to be related to the fact that their 'Pep' (their nickname for him) essentially disappeared with no explanation. These girls were very close with him and I really wished she had let them say their goodbyes. For us, being open and not shying away from answering questions (according to our religious and family traditions) was the best way to get the kids through this difficult time. Especially the younger ones. As long as your DD wants to talk about these issues, KEEP TALKING. Best of luck.

500

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EW GURU

Latest post on 28 January 2011 - 00:14

So very sorry for your loss, my deepest condolences to you and your family. Tell your 5 year old DD when I was her age I was convinced my beloved granny was in the moon driving it, following us keeping us safe tell DD her sweet angel sister is in two of the most loving hands I remember. Hugs to you all.

500

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EW GURU

Latest post on 28 January 2011 - 00:02

They asked me when they realised their friends had grandfathers and mothers and they only had grandmothers, I explained it was the cycle of life just like the sun and the moon, the trees and the changing leaves that nothing dies but fades from one thing to another.

AzaniaKhayaLam10671

329

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 16:52

Ladies your messages have been giving me comfort, strength and hope!! THANK YOU ALL!!!

104

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 14:48

I'm so sorry forever 21. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

2322

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 14:00

oh dear forever21, you have my heartfelt sympathy for you and yours. Lighting a candle for your angel.

5400

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 13:51

Oh, Forever21, are you all right? Horrible for you. My condolences to all of you.

Freckles 128127

787

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 13:46

So so sorry to hear this forever21. My heart goes out to you and your family and your little angel xxxxxx

AzaniaKhayaLam10671

329

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 13:10

This thread is so close to home, my 5yr old DD just experienced the passing of her sibling 10 days ago nd I told her God took her because she had so much pain so now she tells me the little one is in the moon looking down on us :) She seems to understand because she does not ask me when is the baby coming anymore My condolence to you and your family. I am sure it's not an easy time for you and your family. Thank you!

39

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 12:54

This thread is so close to home, my 5yr old DD just experienced the passing of her sibling 10 days ago nd I told her God took her because she had so much pain so now she tells me the little one is in the moon looking down on us :) She seems to understand because she does not ask me when is the baby coming anymore My condolence to you and your family. I am sure it's not an easy time for you and your family.

AzaniaKhayaLam10671

329

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 12:47

This thread is so close to home, my 5yr old DD just experienced the passing of her sibling 10 days ago nd I told her God took her because she had so much pain so now she tells me the little one is in the moon looking down on us :) She seems to understand because she does not ask me when is the baby coming anymore

232

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 12:13

Freckles, there is a fabulous book called 'Beginnings and endings with lifetimes in between' which is written by Robert Ingpen and Brian Mellony (I hope I got the spelling right...) which describes lifecycles in a wonderful way, not religious or anything, just simple and sweet. I personally think the way you handled it was great. Age appropriate and honest, you'll be surprised at how well children take this concept on, better than us actually.;)

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:50

My DD is 5 (today, happy birthday!) and talks about death a LOT. I try to keep things matter of fact, we talk about death throughout nature, the circle of life etc. I figure if I keep it light hearted she'll follow my cues. She says being dead is going to sleep and not waking up but doesn't truly grasp the concept - although she's very clear on 'if you drink beer, then drive, you die!' We're not religious and don't believe in heaven so I've told her that all the stars in the sky are people who have died and are now shining brightly so we can remember them. She seems to like this concept.

2322

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:49

Sorry freckles :( I agree with everyone, be as honest as you can and treat it lightly if you can...it will comfort/reassure her to see that mama is not worried, accepts it matter of factly as a part of life, so she will hopefully not worry too much as well. When you are faced then with a death of a family member/pet theres a ground work in place so to speak so part of the knowledge is already there and thats when the it's ok to be sad, where they have gone (as it suits each individual family) part generally comes in. They are terribly pragmatic usually and will surprise you at that age with how easily they seem to accept death...because it's not terribly real until they know someone who has died. Little freckles is obviously thinking a lot over and trying to get a perspective on it, and it's my personal theory that they do a lot of their mental processing whilst asleep, hense the sleepwalking maybe, or night dreams/terrors. Me, I just try to be matter of fact, not make a big deal of it, and usually these conversations take place while you are doing something else.

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:39

I've talked about it with DD when the subject has come up. I avoid attaching conditions - like "when I'm old" because sadly, not everyone dies when they're old. I tell her that everything dies at some point, just as everything is born and try to keep everything as matter of fact as possible.... so if we're staring at an animal that's been killed on the road (for example) I won't say anything like "oh, poor little bird..." but will use it as a good lesson in road safety! "The bird is dead because it was hit by a car" She's only 3 so hasn't yet started asking what happens afterwards and hasn't yet associated all the emotional baggage (what about the bird's babies?, etc...) but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

2958

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:36

We have lost 2 very special grandads recently so my 2 have had to face the shock and upset of this early on. One grandad was ill and we went over and visited and spent time in the hospice and the children knew that he was very sick and he would be leaving to go to heaven. The other Grandpa (my Dad) passed away unexpectedly so the shock for us all was enormous. I explained to the kids that he had gone to join Grandad up in heaven. My little girl (5) was very pragmatic and asked if he'd be with her dead hamsters and the dead cat George...... my little boy (6) needed some quiet time to take it in but then came down and asked if there was a pub in heaven that Grandpa Ted could go to!!!!!! We told them on both occasions that there is a new star in the sky and both say goodnight to their Grandad and Grandpa Teds star every night. We have had the 'are you going to die too?' questions but I always just say 'oh goodness me not yet - we've got tons of stuff to do together' and just carry on with whatever we are doing at the time - it is usually in the car on a journey! I have found that the first pet death (George the cat) was the one that prompted so many questions but - at the same time - showed me how very pragmatic kids can be - when I sat them down to tell them that George had been killed on the road my little girl wanted to know was that the boy one or the girl one - when I said the boy one she stood up - looked at her brother and said - yay - the girls won!!!!!!!! My little boy was sad and wanted to know exactly how it happened and what would happen and where would he go etc etc and when he had it straight in his head he wanted to know why - on that day - did George just not run a bit faster....!!!!!! I think you handled your questions from your 4 year old perfectly well - just go with the flow - I think they just need reassuring that you are there for them......

Freckles 128127

787

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:33

Thanks for the input ladies. I will wait until she brings it up again then perhaps go down the heaven route mixed with "but not for a very long time". Its such a minefield as I don't want her getting upset and having this on her mind.

104

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:23

This is my personal opinion only and how I answer this question to my own kids, I am honest with them about death when they ask. Each one has asked about it at a different age - but I tell them that eventually everyone dies, it's just part of life. Normally people don't die till they are old and I usually point out examples within our family of who has lived really long, but sometimes people aren't very old when they die. We believe in heaven and that's where I tell them I'll be (hopefully), but that I'll always be watching them and protecting them. The stars are proof of souls in heaven watching down on their loved ones (that's not true, I know, but it's hard for a 4 year old to truly understand where you go). I also reassure them that you can't worry about death, you just have to go on living and playing and enjoying life.

386

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:18

When my daughter was 8 my brother became terminally ill. I was one of his primary caregivers, so she experienced her uncle's illness and death firsthand - he was only 46 when he died. Of course the questions - are you going to die, will you have cancer when you're 46, and expressions of fear that I would leave her - were inevitable. My way of answering her questions was simple, and simple is best for kids (and most adults); whether you believe in a God, a higher power of some sort, or have other beliefs which you can use as a foundation... "I do not plan on leaving for a very long time. My wish is to live a long and healthy life, to be with you and a part of your life until I'm very old. Let's trust in what God has planned for us."

SarkySue6236658

212

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:17

But how do answer it? Do I lie and say mummy will always be here or is it better to tell the truth even at 4? Also, do you tell them that people who die go to heaven? Its such a morose topic and I have no idea how to handle it. She has also recently started sleep walking so there is an awful lot going through her little head right now. Yes you lie otherwise they will dwell on it forever and become neurotic about the thought you may die.

3901

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:17

it seems to be a fine line between making them aware and scaring the daylights out of them... . That is exactly the point Sue62.....how do you tread that line? 64 thousand dollar question, that one... i don't know - all you can do is answer honestly on a need to know basis - if its gonna scare the cr@p out of them then best to fudge it a bit...

3901

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:15

But how do answer it? Do I lie and say mummy will always be here or is it better to tell the truth even at 4? Also, do you tell them that people who die go to heaven? Its such a morose topic and I have no idea how to handle it. She has also recently started sleep walking so there is an awful lot going through her little head right now. we never actually did the heaven thing but i guess he picked it up at school so now i just go with it... don't think i've ever said "mummy's not going to die" cos clearly he sees other kids at school or on TV without mummies but i usually just say you don't need to worry about that - it will be years and years away. If they can't grasp years maybe something like you'll be all grown up.

Freckles 128127

787

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:13

it seems to be a fine line between making them aware and scaring the daylights out of them... . That is exactly the point Sue62.....how do you tread that line?

Freckles 128127

787

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:11

But how do answer it? Do I lie and say mummy will always be here or is it better to tell the truth even at 4? Also, do you tell them that people who die go to heaven? Its such a morose topic and I have no idea how to handle it. She has also recently started sleep walking so there is an awful lot going through her little head right now.

3901

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:10

and for us too - my 6 year old said something last night like "will you be dead by then"?? now i know i'm closer to it that many here !! but i just told him that it will be ages yet and he will probably be all grown up by the time it happens... He was very young when we lost his Grandma and fortunately didn't really understand...Then lost a grandfather just over 2 years ago and he was sad but kept saying Grandad's asleep.. Now he knows Grandad's in Heaven with the cat looking after us !! I always feel when these things crop up that although i want to prepare them it seems to be a fine line between making them aware and scaring the daylights out of them... I think you answered perfectly and as guinness says, just keep reinforcing the "not for ages yet" when it comes up..

tipahtertipu30118

112

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:06

my 2 DDs always talk about this. it is because they know that my mom had passed away. and they've had visited her resting place. they just curious. and i talk and discuss as usual. just keep it simple and not dramatic.

1238

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 27 January 2011 - 11:01

I think this is a natural topic ... my DS (6) is always asking me my age and whether I'm going to die and please don't get old, etc. I always answer the way you did, but it keeps coming up.

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