Urgent advice needed on sensitive matter | ExpatWoman.com
 

Urgent advice needed on sensitive matter

5400
Posts
EW MASTER
Latest post on 19 January 2011 - 16:02
I think you should talk to the parents, but be ware they'll probably think its not true, and they'll accuse your daughter of lying. Be careful of your LO though, I saw a documentary on pedophiles and there was a part about one who started at 12 harassing 4-8yo in his local park. At 12 years old is still a very young boy, difficult to be a pedophile when you are yourself a child. The boy needs to see someone because what it did his wrong and he knows it. To have this kind of behaviours means that he needs help. Your should talk in private to the parents. He is probably going through a hard time to act this way and his parents should know about it. This kind of discussion is very dangerous because we make projection of our sexual adult life on a 12 years old. He is much older than your daughter but he is still very young. Your daughter talked to you about it which is always positive and the best way to express her anxiety, feelings, whatever. She knows now that you agree with the fact that what he did was wrong and feels secure about it. Yes, he is a young boy but as I said, I saw an entire documentary where they interviewed pedophiles, and reported that they had been molesting from the age of 12 and were molesting little girls/boys in their local parks... they interviewed over 100 convicted pedophiles and a common thread was they started very young and they were actually abused themselves too... I'm not the one giving me "opinion" I'm stating facts from a documentary which was based on information and details from professionals and convicted pedophiles... I have said the OP should talk to the parents, but to be ware that it may not be taken kindly by them, and it is possible this child is a pedophile in the making, or at the very least has sexual issues and could be dangerous to other children. Also, 12 is young, but people can be sexually active at that age and have thoughts/urges etc... he's hardly a baby at 12, and it should be taken seriously... as another poster said, its not a case of "I'll show you mine you show me yours" This is a 12 year old who is asking a 7 year old to touch him and lie about it.... its not right Reading this thread in conjunction with the one about the 4 year old baby is really worrying. I don't want to be dramatic about it, but I think the boy needs to be told by someone, be it his parents or the OP, that his behaviour is totally inappropriate. I wouldn't go so far as to say he needs help and that he's a potential paedophile, but he really needs to be taught that what he has done is wrong and unacceptable. You don't know if he has subjected other, less strong, little girls in the same area to the same thing, and it really shouldn't continue if there is any way of preventing it. I've not got much experience with boys of this age, as I mostly ignored my bro until I was 18, but I shouldn't think it's "normal" behaviour for a 12 year old, is it? I'm afraid I can't offer advice as to what to do, I would find it very awkward whether or not I knew the parents personally, and I think they are almost bound to react by saying that the little girl has made it up.
1100
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 19 January 2011 - 12:08
I think you should talk to the parents, but be ware they'll probably think its not true, and they'll accuse your daughter of lying. Be careful of your LO though, I saw a documentary on pedophiles and there was a part about one who started at 12 harassing 4-8yo in his local park. At 12 years old is still a very young boy, difficult to be a pedophile when you are yourself a child. The boy needs to see someone because what it did his wrong and he knows it. To have this kind of behaviours means that he needs help. Your should talk in private to the parents. He is probably going through a hard time to act this way and his parents should know about it. This kind of discussion is very dangerous because we make projection of our sexual adult life on a 12 years old. He is much older than your daughter but he is still very young. Your daughter talked to you about it which is always positive and the best way to express her anxiety, feelings, whatever. She knows now that you agree with the fact that what he did was wrong and feels secure about it. Yes, he is a young boy but as I said, I saw an entire documentary where they interviewed pedophiles, and reported that they had been molesting from the age of 12 and were molesting little girls/boys in their local parks... they interviewed over 100 convicted pedophiles and a common thread was they started very young and they were actually abused themselves too... I'm not the one giving me "opinion" I'm stating facts from a documentary which was based on information and details from professionals and convicted pedophiles... I have said the OP should talk to the parents, but to be ware that it may not be taken kindly by them, and it is possible this child is a pedophile in the making, or at the very least has sexual issues and could be dangerous to other children. Also, 12 is young, but people can be sexually active at that age and have thoughts/urges etc... he's hardly a baby at 12, and it should be taken seriously... as another poster said, its not a case of "I'll show you mine you show me yours" This is a 12 year old who is asking a 7 year old to touch him and lie about it.... its not right
108
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 January 2011 - 11:58
I think you should talk to the parents, but be ware they'll probably think its not true, and they'll accuse your daughter of lying. Be careful of your LO though, I saw a documentary on pedophiles and there was a part about one who started at 12 harassing 4-8yo in his local park. At 12 years old is still a very young boy, difficult to be a pedophile when you are yourself a child. The boy needs to see someone because what it did his wrong and he knows it. To have this kind of behaviours means that he needs help. Your should talk in private to the parents. He is probably going through a hard time to act this way and his parents should know about it. This kind of discussion is very dangerous because we make projection of our sexual adult life on a 12 years old. He is much older than your daughter but he is still very young. Your daughter talked to you about it which is always positive and the best way to express her anxiety, feelings, whatever. She knows now that you agree with the fact that what he did was wrong and feels secure about it.
232
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 19 January 2011 - 08:09
Hope you are feeling better today. Remain confident (do not doubt yourself) and be proud of the fact that when you spoke with DD, she gave you the truth. The lines of communication between you and your DD are are valuable tool in protecting her and preparing her for this world;) As for the boy, good luck.
1100
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 22:11
I think you should talk to the parents, but be ware they'll probably think its not true, and they'll accuse your daughter of lying. Be careful of your LO though, I saw a documentary on pedophiles and there was a part about one who started at 12 harassing 4-8yo in his local park.
26
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 19:41
Well the good news is that she was did to say "no" to a much older (than her) teenager. I agree with aroha's comment below and I think that your DD deserves considerable praise for having refused to comply - I would reward my child enormously if she did this - would make me happier than straight A's! So, what next? I find that it is helpful to relate a similar story to my child from my own experience at a similar age (I have been known to make some up). Sometimes the questions they ask about your anecdote can be very revealing without putting the child in the spotlight. Re the boy, I'm not sure how you should respond. I find it very disturbing given the age difference and the fact that he said not to tell. To me, this would indicate that he knew perfectly well that what he was doing was unacceptable (as opposed to innocent/inquisitive "you show me yours" play) and he also chose someone much younger and therefore more vulnerable. I wonder if the boy himself has been victimised? It's tricky - you don't want to create a situation where in any way it comes back on your daughter and the parents will quite rightly ask for details. I guess there is a reasonably high chance that your daughter has not been his only target - I do think his behaviour needs to be addressed and the boy needs help.
19
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:47
Im not sure you can fix everything while talking to your daughter about it and she may well feel some embarrassment or culpability as a result(Im not saying she should feel guilty at all- she is innocent! I mean- kids are all sensitive to the taboo areas and may get confused about your serious approach and feel she is in trouble over it) That you must discuss it is a given though and she may not like the interview at all- depending on what your family approach to*** is and her own awareness of her body. I would just tell her that nobody gets to touch her private areas or can ask her to touch him there because it is wrong and unsafe. She is very little so needs very little detail. Just your disapproval should be enough to confirm her own instinct that it wasnt right. No doubt she felt it was odd because she was talking to a friend about it. That she didnt come to you at once indicates she is more aware of *** than you think she is and is concerned about her mixed feelings in case she is somehow at fault.You mean more to her than anything else and she wont want to incur your distaste or disapproval. Just gently go over what you want her to do should there be a next time and praise her for being brave and clever in standing up for herself and trusting her inside voice. If she is worried the boy will take revenge for her reporting it- reassure her that he will be far too scared now his parents know and people who care about her will be watching him and now you know you can also help look after her better. Perhaps if she was told that you need her to help you keep her safe by telling you more about what happens in her day she may feel you are more approachable when something questionable comes up. I have probably shocked my lot into years on the couch but we talk about everything- whether they wanted to or not- nothing is too taboo now and they come to me with most things- I hope!
1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:42
There's a huge difference between little kids going through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stuff and a 12 year old asking a 7 year old girl to touch him. My DD was pinned down at a birthday party by a laughing 11 year old in her class years ago and given a love bite while forcing her hand onto his groin. It was dealt with "my way" and he never went near her again BUT!!! This guy is now 31 and has been charged several times for sexual assaults and rape. Not saying that this boy will go on to do the same but he needs to have his behaviour nipped in the bud, now! Hopefully the boys parents will be horrified and sort him out. Good luck. and no one said it WAS the same thing at all Joyce. Meaning? Whats got up your pinny woman? I mention in an earlier post about the show me yours thing, and then you post that its not the same thing at all, so i gently posted that no one has said it is at all the same thing, and that includes myself. Clearer for you now? No need to be so rude. I repeat that there is a difference between children being inquisitive about theirs and others bodies and a much older boy asking a girl half his age to touch him. I was agreeing with what you said, not the opposite. Geez, am off to finish my packing! ;) THAT wasnt rude. Maybe I'm just old fashioned then. Good evening to you ;)
2322
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:35
There's a huge difference between little kids going through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stuff and a 12 year old asking a 7 year old girl to touch him. My DD was pinned down at a birthday party by a laughing 11 year old in her class years ago and given a love bite while forcing her hand onto his groin. It was dealt with "my way" and he never went near her again BUT!!! This guy is now 31 and has been charged several times for sexual assaults and rape. Not saying that this boy will go on to do the same but he needs to have his behaviour nipped in the bud, now! Hopefully the boys parents will be horrified and sort him out. Good luck. and no one said it WAS the same thing at all Joyce. Meaning? Whats got up your pinny woman? I mention in an earlier post about the show me yours thing, and then you post that its not the same thing at all, so i gently posted that no one has said it is at all the same thing, and that includes myself. Clearer for you now? No need to be so rude. I repeat that there is a difference between children being inquisitive about theirs and others bodies and a much older boy asking a girl half his age to touch him. I was agreeing with what you said, not the opposite. Geez, am off to finish my packing! ;) THAT wasnt rude.
1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:33
There's a huge difference between little kids going through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stuff and a 12 year old asking a 7 year old girl to touch him. My DD was pinned down at a birthday party by a laughing 11 year old in her class years ago and given a love bite while forcing her hand onto his groin. It was dealt with "my way" and he never went near her again BUT!!! This guy is now 31 and has been charged several times for sexual assaults and rape. Not saying that this boy will go on to do the same but he needs to have his behaviour nipped in the bud, now! Hopefully the boys parents will be horrified and sort him out. Good luck. and no one said it WAS the same thing at all Joyce. Meaning? Whats got up your pinny woman? I mention in an earlier post about the show me yours thing, and then you post that its not the same thing at all, so i gently posted that no one has said it is at all the same thing, and that includes myself. Clearer for you now? No need to be so rude. I repeat that there is a difference between children being inquisitive about theirs and others bodies and a much older boy asking a girl half his age to touch him. I was agreeing with what you said, not the opposite. Geez, am off to finish my packing! ;)
787
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EW GURU
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:28
Can I ask which park this is? its just that my DD and a lot of other kids play in our park (I am always there but sometimes I am chasing after my small boy and not always wathcing her) and I would just like to know if it is in the springs. hope this doesn't sound insensitive
2322
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:27
There's a huge difference between little kids going through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stuff and a 12 year old asking a 7 year old girl to touch him. My DD was pinned down at a birthday party by a laughing 11 year old in her class years ago and given a love bite while forcing her hand onto his groin. It was dealt with "my way" and he never went near her again BUT!!! This guy is now 31 and has been charged several times for sexual assaults and rape. Not saying that this boy will go on to do the same but he needs to have his behaviour nipped in the bud, now! Hopefully the boys parents will be horrified and sort him out. Good luck. and no one said it WAS the same thing at all Joyce. Meaning? Whats got up your pinny woman? I mention in an earlier post about the show me yours thing, and then you post that its not the same thing at all, so i gently posted that no one has said it is at all the same thing, and that includes myself. Clearer for you now?
1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:22
There's a huge difference between little kids going through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stuff and a 12 year old asking a 7 year old girl to touch him. My DD was pinned down at a birthday party by a laughing 11 year old in her class years ago and given a love bite while forcing her hand onto his groin. It was dealt with "my way" and he never went near her again BUT!!! This guy is now 31 and has been charged several times for sexual assaults and rape. Not saying that this boy will go on to do the same but he needs to have his behaviour nipped in the bud, now! Hopefully the boys parents will be horrified and sort him out. Good luck. and no one said it WAS the same thing at all Joyce. Meaning?
2322
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:20
There's a huge difference between little kids going through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stuff and a 12 year old asking a 7 year old girl to touch him. My DD was pinned down at a birthday party by a laughing 11 year old in her class years ago and given a love bite while forcing her hand onto his groin. It was dealt with "my way" and he never went near her again BUT!!! This guy is now 31 and has been charged several times for sexual assaults and rape. Not saying that this boy will go on to do the same but he needs to have his behaviour nipped in the bud, now! Hopefully the boys parents will be horrified and sort him out. Good luck. and no one said it WAS the same thing at all Joyce.
1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:17
There's a huge difference between little kids going through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stuff and a 12 year old asking a 7 year old girl to touch him. My DD was pinned down at a birthday party by a laughing 11 year old in her class years ago and given a love bite while forcing her hand onto his groin. It was dealt with "my way" and he never went near her again BUT!!! This guy is now 31 and has been charged several times for sexual assaults and rape. Not saying that this boy will go on to do the same but he needs to have his behaviour nipped in the bud, now! Hopefully the boys parents will be horrified and sort him out. Good luck.
2322
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:09
If the parents are hostile with you, then your DH could always offer the option of discussing it at the police station. Their choice. Yup, but it neednt go that far, if hubby is calm, matter of fact and not going in all guns blazing righteous....no need for parents of boy to be on the defensive from the get go, and then attack in return.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:07
If the parents are hostile with you, then your DH could always offer the option of discussing it at the police station. Their choice.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 18:05
Be prepared for an unpleasant scene and bring your DH. Alternatively- a discreet letter slipped under the door may serve as well and save the parents some embarrassment. At 12- the boy should know he was wrong and his parents are not entirely to blame for his choices so humiliating them is hardly fair. As I see it- your duty to your DD and all other little kids in the area who may get similar treatment from him is to report the behaviour to his parents so they can take him to task and deal with it at home. What form your reporting takes- is up to you. A non- confrontational one would be easier for both you and them given the ***ual nature of the grievance. Glad your DD is ok and so matter of fact and kidvskat-you have a feisty one there! haha- Taekwondo anyone? My DH has been advocating martial arts for girls for some time now. Its his response to the mutterings of his women about the leering and such that we endure here.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 17:47
ps: when I read this thread I quickly asked my 7 yr old would do if a boy or man asked her to touch or look at his penis and she replied confidently "I'd kick his penis"... probably not the best answer but I smiled inwardly Bless, Good answer though!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 17:43
You wern't wrong. You made a good decision to move to a villa on the park. If she remains in eyesight then what else can you do. In fact, your daughter has just proved herself to be independantly responsible beyond her years. For her to approach you with this issue is a real testimony to your parenting skills. I second the advise you have gotten so far. ps: when I read this thread I quickly asked my 7 yr old would do if a boy or man asked her to touch or look at his penis and she replied confidently "I'd kick his penis"... probably not the best answer but I smiled inwardly
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 17:37
At 12 the boy knows better, knows its wrong and was trying to take advantage of your daughters age to get away with being a right creep. Thank goodness your daughter came to tell you, and knew that she could without it being seen as a bad thing. Having hubby have a quiet chat with the boys folks without histronics and without daughter being made to feel the boy is only getting in trouble because she 'told on him' Another thing, I wouldnt make a big deal of going round while the boy in question is up as it may well lead to playground retaliation. Otherwise, show me yours, I'll show you mine, touching etc between kids of similar ages is quite normal! My lil miss just laughs, and then tells me. Her cousin back in NZ (7yrs old) regetted aomething wicked his desire for her to pull down her pants on the trampoline.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 17:35
OMG. This is so freaky. I would definitely tell his parents if I were you. But what if his parents don't believe you? Trust me, there are parents out there who think their child is an angel and can do no wrong.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 17:34
Was she with anyone else in the park - did they see if he did anything else? I would most definitely speak to the parents if you are sure who they are.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 18 January 2011 - 17:31
OMG - hugs to you. Think your hubby is right, you need to talk to the parents.
 
 

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