Feeling inadequate as a mum... | ExpatWoman.com
 

Feeling inadequate as a mum...

494
Posts
EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 13:45

Over the past week my nearly 11 mth old DS has decided our maid is more fun than I am and he goes to her right away all the time when we get home. He wont eat his food if she is in the room, he would rather talk to her and pull faces at her but he'll eat if she feeds him. In play time I am usually very active with him, we play crawling chasey, we play with his toys, we sing and we read books... but lately he does not want me to do any of this when she is around.
I know he was getting slightly board of his toys and probably me day in, day out but now I'm feeling rather rubbish about how smiley he is with her. All he seems to do is scream when I pick him up if she is around or he bites me.
Any advice?
Should I tell her not to come in at food times and times when I want to spend time with just him and i?
I am new to having a maid full time. She is very very efficient and often gets bored because she has done everything.
I've found myself going out each day just to get out so I can have time with him and it shouldn't be that way :( I feel very inadequate as a mum right now :(
<em>edited by AussiePup on 12/05/2011</em>

319
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 18:27
I had this moment a couple of months ago when ours first started - and still do at times. DS LOVES his Nanny, and he also is very fond of the Agency maid that he has seen coming in to clean 3 hours a week his whole life. Even though the maid had NEVER touched him, or done anything for him (until this week that is) when he decided he wanted a cuddle from her, instead of both the Nanny AND I (LOL)! She looked and asked if was okay if she picked him up, I said it was fine, because she is absolutely lovely, she brought him a Christmas and Birthday presents, and he follows her around each week that she is here. It nearly broke my heart the first time I saw the Nanny and DS happily playing together without me, and then of course when he motions for her instead of me. BUT, remember, this is actually what you want, you want to know your LO is safe and HAPPY in their care without you. Seriously, whilst it is gutting to have this happen, this should give you reassurance that they are taking good care of them when you are not around. If he didn't have this reaction you would be worried. I just make sure I take him out of the house without her for particular playdates each week, so I still have my one-on-one time during the week, and then the same on weekends, I make sure they are focused on activities for him. Don't worry, very soon he will start going through the stage of separation anxiety, which means every time you leave the room, shut a door, or godforbid the house, he will burst into tears and throw a fit that he is not going with you ... nothing makes you feel more loved than that. Hugs to you. xxx
829
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EW GURU
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 17:34
I truly believe that our babes find it easy to be horrible to us. The reason for that is that they are SO secure in our unconditional love that they can take the risk of being difficult. I'm still telling myself that with my 6 and 7 YO DD's as well as with my 18 month old DS! They know that mummy will always love them no matter what. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your son is displaying just how much he loves you and that he knows that you REALLY love him. So relax.
1403
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 17:23
Huge hugs, babe! You're the BEST mum to R and you're HIS mum and he knows that and loves you more than you'll ever know! You rock his world!!! Don't forget that!!! xx
197
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 17:08
Oh Aussiepup! You're his mother! No one can take your place! You are his world and like everything constant in life, he takes you for granted! I do understand! I had a "I'm a bad mom" breakdown ( tears and all) today coz I could not get DD to eat, take her meds ( she has a viral bug), nothing! And when daddy comes home in the evenings ( when I'm covered in food, vomit and look like I've been through the wringer) she turns into a happy sunny baby! Sigh! But then I have to remind myself that they always test the primary caregiver! I take my mom for granted and so does she! Sigh! We just have to remind ourselves that we are the mums and nothing will change that! They will always love us best ( at least till the terrible twos kick in ;)
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 14:36
AussiePup, You are a perfect mum! That's for a start. If your LO eats better while fed by the maid, then be it. It doesnt make you a bad parent. As other ladies said - be happy you have a great maid and your LO has a good relationship with her. No matter what your DS knows you are his mum. If it's any consolation DD adores her nanny and spend most of the time with her (I work full time). They are best pals, but it doesnt make me a bad mummy. Our nanny often says to DD 'mummy said this and that' referring that ie. not safe put finger in the plug... You are a perfect mum! X
494
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 14:36
thx ladies. she is truly wonderful our maid and I am loving having her as I am studying full time. So far she has only had to look after him a few times when assignments have been due but other than that she is here to mostly do the house work. I have racked my brain at giving her other things to do to occupy her! I know that this time is important in infants lives with attachment (currently studying psychology) so I suppose because of my reading in all this area I have got myself a little worked up. I am working with my maid regarding dicipline, he has tried to bite her just yesterday apparently so I am now going through the process of letting her know how I would like her to deal with situations such as that. Thank you so much for your replies. Think I'm just having a tender mummy moment! :D xox
438
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 14:11
O dear… you are not inadequate mum, it’s normal. My advice – try and do all together so that way all is done with the maid is done with you. Kids are like that and it’s not personal. I have to say that you are very lucky if you have a good maid, as I have suffered. Now my little one goes to daycare and we are ok. Had the same problem though in the beginning. It passes. You have to have in mind that they are small, but still with character :) Good luck and Cheers
671
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EW GURU
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 14:10
*Hugs* meals is dead right - it's all normal. I think we're hard-wired to doubt ourselves. It sounds as if you are diong a FAB job with your little one. 11 months is a difficult stage for little ones (it's often when separation anxiety starts to kick in), as they try to make sense of their world. You say your maid is relatively new to your household - I agree that things will sort themselves out soon. You are his mum and his world. Don't let anything cause you to doubt that! xx
522
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EW GURU
Latest post on 12 May 2011 - 14:01
Oh you should never feel like that - but if it's any consolation, I think we've all been there. Wether it be as a result of a maid or something else, us mummies tend to try to find something to feel guilty about. Perhaps ask your maid to give you a little bit of space. Perhaps save a specific job or task for her when you want special time with your LO. And don't worry - it will pass. Sometimes it feels as if all we get to do is the discipline and more difficult stuff... But your DS loves and adores you (just probably takes you for granted a little at times!). And your maid is a novelty - and it will wear off.
 
 

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