Advice on how to offer support to a close friend who has miscarried.. | ExpatWoman.com
 

Advice on how to offer support to a close friend who has miscarried..

89
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 February 2012 - 11:58

Hi Ladies,

A close friend of mine has miscarried twins at 9 wks. I realise from other friends who have experienced this that people generally want a lot of privacy at this time. That said we are close and I want to be there for her, just worried I won't give her the type of support she needs at this very sad time.
Thanks everyone...

90
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 13 February 2012 - 09:57
Like the others have said just 'being' there for her. Texting her a couple of times in the day to let her know you are thinking about her even just sending a few (((XXX))) txt, making her dinner and bringing it round so that she can heat it up when she wants. A big hug when you see her. Agree with Gingercat that although people have the best intention to give you 'space' but acknowledgement and wee touches go a long way.
397
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 11 February 2012 - 17:20
I agree with a practical approach. There is nothing anyone can say to make your friend feel better...but like Green-ish suggested...maybe a cooked meal or something nice for your friend like a voucher for a massage for when she is feeling up to it, some flowers, chocolates anything that lets her know that you are thinking of her. You don't have to call over and sit with her for hours but keep in regular contact via text, email, quick phonecalls, anything to let her know that you are there for her. Don't worry if you don't get a respose. I remember one of my closest friends didn't get in touch with me for a few days as she 'wanted to give me space' but I actually felt hurt that she hadn't contacted me sooner. People grieve in different ways. Already you have shown that you are a good friend by asking what is the best thing to do. She is lucky to have a friend like you x
676
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EW GURU
Latest post on 11 February 2012 - 13:43
What would have helped me is if my friends had asked if there was anything they could do. It might be looking after the children or cooking a meal, like Green-ish say or in my case it would have been accompanying me to the hospital or collecting me afterwards. Whatever you do, please do not say "it was for the best" or "everything happens for a reason", no matter how much you may be thinking it!
2782
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2012 - 13:30
I think with any painful situation what people mostly need is to be listened to and acknowledged. Try and avoid giving "advice", as friends we always feel like we should be able to "do" or "say" something to fix a situation but the truth is we can't and sometimes well intentioned words can make the hurt worse. Much better to say "I'm thinking of you" than try and rationalise to her how she "should" be feeling or what she should be doing.
65
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 February 2012 - 13:22
Pls be there for your friend and acknowledge her loss. People who have never experienced a loss will not get it mostly, but I can tell you that ignorance is not an excuse for lack of compassion, although many would like to believe so. Btw, I didn't have a miscarriage but lost my baby son eleven days after he was born in a nicu. I lost many friends subsequently becoz they failed to give me what I needed most at that time, some pitiless compassion and support, but instead ended up making new friends who could offer me that.
1236
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 11 February 2012 - 12:58
Green ish's advice is spot on. How very sad for your friend. I too suffered miscarriages before and in between my 2 children some 30 years ago and attitudes were different back then. I was told by well meaning professionals and family that I was young and could try again plus "you can't grieve for a few tiny cells"!! My close family and best friends were a tower of strength and my lovely DH arranged a holiday for us both. He was equally gutted and it needs to be remembered that dads are affected too. Just be there for your friend if she needs you. There are no magic words that can help. This is a bereavement and should be treated as such. She will come to terms with her loss in her own time. Just be her shoulder to cry on if she needs you. x
2340
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 11 February 2012 - 12:28
I'm so very sad for your friend. Just a few weeks ago I lost our fourth child at almost 9 weeks. It is a devastating thing to go through. Every woman is different and we all grieve in different ways. I certainly wanted privacy in the very early days, but after that just being reminded by friends that they were 'there' for me was so reassuring. Nobody needed to [u'>do[/u'> anything for me. Remind her occasionally that you're thinking of her. You could offer to look after any other children of hers for a couple of hours. You could arrive at the door with a cooked meal, drop it off and leave again. Some days after our loss, I could barely drag myself off the sofa so a home-cooked meal from a friend really helped me out. She needs time. She'll come to you and talk to you when she's ready.
 
 

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