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ewmoda

Depressed, cant take the control anymore....

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10

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 April 2011 - 16:04

I feel i have not much to lose at the moment i am not planning any children any time soon and i am looking for marriage counseling, might anyone have any suggestions? I feel for him in many ways because i see him trying to break loose from his dysfunctional parents which are together but when they are together his mother is the passive aggressive 'perfect victim' and his father the overbearing, big hearted, yet very vocal and harsh person who doesnt stop himself from speaking his mind especially to his mother. Making me uncomfortable by telling her shut the **** up shes stupid etc etc.. As i have to sit there and pretend its all normal.... my biggest issue is that we are always together and while in the beginnng of the marriage i loved always seeing him its now becoming a large strain... Right now i am overcoming issues i was having as well as i know im not perfect and i get emotional quickly and tend to have a hard time staying calm.. i need to focus on me and finding my own life which is wher ei think many of my frustrations can be fixed. I want to find work but think it may be difficult leaving 17 month old DD at nursery if i could find work from home that would be ideal, might anyone have anything available or something flexible? All in all i think thinks can be doable as long as i find my own identity and if i do find work and my own life i feel we will have healthier boundries and a healthier life together.. Thank you again for all of your stories i know every individual is different and although everyones story can be a word of the wise i do keep these all in mind and i do not think that this is the last of the problems it is merely one step toward making things better and if they do not i will then have to figure out how to plan from there on out... thank you again ladies i appreciate all of your inputs.

10

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 11:57

Thank you all for the insight and help, as much as i would like to have an easy answer i know i have a few things myself to work on. My husband however has his issues he finally admitted to me that he needs working on as well. I feel this may the first step. He agreed to counseling so might you have any suggestions for good affordable ones as we are a young couple? We have NextCare insurance but dont think it covers counseling. Again thank you all for your input and support i will keep you all updated but i think we owe it to DD to try and see if its a go or a no.... thanks again..

GirlAnachronism35688

1039

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:45

Have sent you a mail NYClove

596

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:38

You definitely need counseling of some sort. meet up with GirlA may do it for you. Talk with your father in Law if you can, he appears to have gone through the same but stayed. Only Child , possessive mother ( big red flag ) . Decide what type of life you need/want and can have with or without your husband and then organise yourself and take action to achieve what you need to do.

10

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:19

Thanks so much look forward to meeting with you?

GirlAnachronism35688

1039

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:18

Got it - you can delete now

10

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:17

Let me know when you have the email

3804

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:16

It's clear the major issue is money. Why don't you tell him you're going to look for a job and see how he reacts to that? Tell him you need to go out with friends and he'll have to look after the baby and see what he does. You need to start providing for yourself and your child as clearly he has an issue with being the sole provider in the family. I'd become more independent and just leave.

GirlAnachronism35688

1039

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:15

If you can post your email ad briefly I'll send you a mail...

GirlAnachronism35688

1039

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 10:06

Just wanted to say - if your husband checks your computer and you're worried he'll see these posts, you can use [b'>InPrivate[/b'> browsing on Internet Explorer. Click on 'Tools', then InPrivate browsing and it'll open a new window which doesn't store data like usernames, passwords and page history.

2262

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 09:59

If you are that miserable and he is abusing you verbally, blaming you for everything, this is a terrible environment for your child. She will be paying attention to how he disrespects you and will be trying it on for herself I would imagine. Hopefully he will not disrespect her as well as she gets older :(. you could probably fake the smiles, pleasantness for awhile and he could respond favorably for a while but becuse it would not be sincere it would probably fail in the end ;(. You are a young woman with a child. You have many opportunities open to you for your future. You do not have to live your life in this kind of environment and it is an awful place for your child. Possibibly a separation at this point would be the answer. You can go personally for councelling to help yourself and suggest that he go to a councellor as well. If nothing else, you will be able to verbalize all that is upsetting you and possibly find some solutions that will either help your marriage if your husband is willing, or help you get started on a new life with you and your daughter. It is not the end of the world, it can be fixed one way or the other but right now you are stuck in one place without a direction. Find the direction and move forward ;)

426

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 02 April 2011 - 01:18

Quite understandably you must feel very hurt. Even though it is hard to think about I'm sure your DH does too. Talking to find a solution is not always easy, especially for men. Perhaps a practical approach could work for you. Can you play the part of a happy, kind wife for a while? You will probably be pleasantly surprised by his response. If one person takes it upon themselves to change their behaviour then the whole dynamic of the relationship can be different. Consider your DD and how important it is for her to grow up in a healthy, happy environment. She's worth making the effort for, even though I imagine you would like it to come from DH. I'm sure you would benefit from time on your own without the constant responsibility of DD. Organise care for her and do something just for yourself. Preferably leave her with DH so he can start to appreciate what you do. I've been very unhappy and lonely in my marriage (though we are in a good place now) so I really sympathise with you and hope things can get better soon. Hugs. x

379

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 23:20

His nationality has very little to do with his behavior. He's a control freak and by taking control of your life gives him gratification and a feeling of superiority through his abusive behavior towards you and, in your case, it's mental and emotional abuse. He was cleaver enough to conceal his hidden agenda prior to your marriage, only to reveal it after your marriage. It would take alot of professional help to turn him around, if he can be turned around. No matter what you tell him as to how his behavior affects you and makes you feel it isn't going to change anything. My heart goes out to you, but you are going to have to decide, and more importantly accept, if that is the life you want to live and eventually expose your daughter to, or decide that it is not the life you want and change it. Either way you will experience emotional pain, but with change the emotional pain will fade. I hope you find the strength to see him for what he is, see what your future will be like with him, and accept the decision you make.

GirlAnachronism35688

1039

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 23:05

Oh poor girl :( This doesn't sound like a life, just an existence. Controlling men crave feelings of power and dominance. He has you where he wants you really, desperate for affection, unable to finance visits to your family, and he is in total control of whether to give you anything. Please see this link and see if any of these apply to you. These are some markers of an abusive relationship: http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/DV-abuse_cycle.pdf You are still so young (around my age I believe actually!) - just ask yourself if you still want to be living like this in ten years time...what will have to happen is that would have to accept being treated this way, and ultimately would lose yourself for him. I'm guessing counselling would not an option, but if you think he would agree then that may be worth looking into (for him - he needs counselling - as well as marriage counselling). Can I ask - are you afraid of him? What do you think would happen if you refused to give him all information he demands from you regarding your whereabouts, finances, who you're with, what you're doing etc.? If you ever, ever want to talk please let me know - I'm married but with no kids, so am usually able to get out and about easily. If you ever need help just post on EW and you'll have a barrage of ladies covering your back :) <em>edited by GirlAnachronism on 01/04/2011</em>

123

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 22:18

Would he accept if you looked for a job? Because maybe the financial security might make you stronger and less dependent on him. I am really sorry you have to go through this at such a young age, I dont think 500aed per week is a lot of money for you to spend, my husband makes exactly the same salary, pays all the bills and he never asks me what I do with my money. I have to say, I only buy stuff for my son and groceries because shopping no longer interests me. U are a person and u have the right to some privacy, otherwise you will lose yourself completely. I dont have a good feeling about your husband, it will be very very difficult path for him to change his behavior but if he really loves you and your daughter there is always hope. Hugs

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 22:13

I find it very telling that while you were gone for a month, he couldn't bring himself to say that he missed you in any way. It's may "just" be pride, or it could be that he just sees you as a baby-making machine (horrid to say so, but yes)... either way, if he can't bring himself to tell the woman he married, that he loved and that he had a child with that he loves her, then, I'm sorry, but that relationship is pretty much dead. I've always believed that the key ingredient to a healthy relationship is trust. If one or the other can't trust his or her partner, then it's not a proper relationship.

184

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 22:09

Could you possibly find a job? Sometimes, a man's attitude changes when they realise that the woman is not dependent on him and is capable of looking after herself. It's a horrible situation to be in but you are so young. Don't waste your life under this oppression. Speak up. Does anyone else know you are feeling this way and he treats you like this? Sometimes, it's easier to convince a man through a third party. Maybe he doesn't even know you feel this way. Anyway, he sounds like a person I know. His wife suffered terribly and is leaving him soon. He has Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD). I think it would be worth for you to see a marriage counsellor if he agrees to give it a go.

166

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 21:49

Get out. Get out now. Dont look back. NYClove, while I feel very sorry for the situation you now find yourself in. I must point out that you need to take some responsibility for this. You say you knew almost from the start that everything wasnt as it seemed with him. If you had gotten out then, it would have been far easier and less emotionally complicated, but now you have to get out and put a child through this too. Despite knowing what he was like, you went ahead and had a baby with him. EVERY child deserves the best father it can have, its upto a woman to be more discerning and find a good mate. A boor will not suddenly become a nice guy just because he reproduced. Ladies, PLEASE read and learn from this post, a lot of unnecessary heartache can be avoided by not being so trusting. You and DD deserve much better. Good luck and keep us posted.

166

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 21:34

I dont think the traits he is exhibiting are ones that can be changed or mellowed, without a fair bit of time, and a LOT of effort on his part. This is the personality he has come with into the marriage, and it is indeed a hard hearted approach to make you feel you 'owe' him for your being looked after. What a caveman he is. He is going to be like this regardless of who he marries. This is an unhealthy role model of marriage for your DD to be witnessing, and to see the first man in her life behave this way towards her mother. If you somewhere to go and can fend for yourself, leave indefinitely.

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 21:18

What do you think would happen if you put your foot down? If you didn't have dinner ready for him, for example, or if you went out? I'm not a passive person and will kick back at attempts to control unreasonably. Confrontation doesn't mean to say you have to be aggressive - quite the contrary, in fact. Only you know what goes on in your house and how much you may have spoken about this (I say "spoken" and not "discussed" because the message obviously didn't get through!) It takes guts, determination and the willingness to take a bit of a risk to make such changes, but if you've had enough, then you need to make him realise that it's a 2 way relationship and that the gratefulness should be going both ways. It would also be worthwhile for you to listen to what he has to say - there may indeed be something bugging him that you may need to address - together. Be open-minded and interested in what he has to say - even if he expresses himself awkwardly (or aggressively/ defensively) there may be more to this whole situation that meets the eye. Failing all that, suggest going to some kind of mediator - marriage counsellor or some such. All these feelings need to be aired and a solution found.

369

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 21:18

Have you talked to him and asked him is he happy? What can the two of you do to get happy again

596

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 21:17

What is his cultural back round and what country was he raised in ?

596

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 01 April 2011 - 21:02

Why he like this before you got married ? Some indication must have shown even if you did not realise it at the time ? Is he depressed or very worried ?

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