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Education

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expat for life?

26

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 06:58

I'd like to get some advice/encouragement from any of you ladies who have been expats for a long time. My husband keeps saying, 'This is the last move for a few years. This time we're really going to settle down." I believe him, spend lots of time and energy getting settled into an area, then he gets itchy feet and we're off again! I don't mind moving to new places, but it is getting harder now that we have little ones (2 and 3 years old).

I just need to get my mind around the fact that we may never settle down in one place, or if we do it will probably be in the Middle East. He loves it there and I like it well enough, it is just so far from home! How do you justify the move to family - taking the children away from grandparents and cousins? I know there are positives to living and raising children in an expat community, I'd just like some reminders from you guys who are living it!

Thanks, ladies!

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26

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 16:53

HAK - Thanks for the honest reply. It is good to know a real experience. Luckily (or not, as some might see it) we always move to 'fake expat' places. A multi-cultural place - many different backgrounds, but English or American curriculum schools for the kids. So at least language will not ever be a concern - hopefully! And TBH, I'd love for them to grow up in a community where they could learn another language and meet lots of people from all over. Tallybalt - thanks for the practical advice - we are definitely saving for retirement as with each move we lose a bit of our retirement money from those jobs! Not great to think about, but it definitely is a by-product of moving so often. Each move costs money and that is one thing that makes me want to stay put - wherever that may be. There are so many things to think about with a potential move - how will family here deal with it, how will the kids adjust, and how will we do financially. I guess those are the most important. Then there is the small issue of how will I adjust - but that is definitely way down on the list - just get on with it!

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 10:17

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. HAK - it is nice to hear the experience from someone who grew up as an expat. The good and not-so-good. Would you be able to explain Dark Side a bit more, or is it enough for now? Don't want to pry, but would like more information if that's ok. I've thought about it a lot and it's all basically to do with dealing with the unknown. I remember in the run up to The Move, I felt like I was on the edge of a black hole - my current life was complete normal and everything after The Move was unknown, a blank canvas. I knew my childhood friends would carry on doing what we'd always done, but that I would be left out, alone, somewhere else. We arrived in our new home and not only had I got to somehow insert myself into a group of children who'd known eachother from Adam, but doing so without being able to communicate properly. Anyhow, speaking to the other Brit girl, it turned out we all felt kind of set adrift - not belonging to the culture we were in, but no longer part of our own. For a teen, it's so important "fit in". She was deeply unhappy and turned to rebellion. I don't know what became of her. I still have what can only be described as panic attacks when I face the unknown, but then, me being me, I snap out of them and get on with it. My brother deals with it differently and can't actually make a decision that would lead him onto an unknown path, he literally grinds to a halt until the moment when the decision is made for him. We're both, otherwise intelligent, capable and successful people.

654

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 09:56

If you want to be an expat for life, you must look thirty years down the road and ask where you want to be. If you've been moving every five years and your friends are scattered across the globe you likely won't have a home base with a strong network of families and friends to support you as you grow older and retire. Second, and very importantly if you are American, you are probably not contributing to social security so when you retire you will have a tiny pension. You must prepare to support yourself independently in your old age if you plan to not pay US income tax and SS for the next thirty years. Every month DH sets aside a portion of our income into the "retirement" savings, which is distinctly separate from our regular savings and investment portfolio. The retirement savings account is to cover the lack of regular contribution to our SS accounts in the US as well as the lack of proper pension plans and 401/IRA Roth contributions that we would be getting if we had remained in the US. Thank you for the thoughtful replies. HAK - it is nice to hear the experience from someone who grew up as an expat. The good and not-so-good. Would you be able to explain Dark Side a bit more, or is it enough for now? Don't want to pry, but would like more information if that's ok. SS - My home country is the US. We've lived and worked in Qatar, Sharjah, Dubai, Bermuda, US and UK. We move about every 2 years - the longest was 3 years in the UAE recently. We've been in the US for a few months now and dh is ready to move back to ME! We always hope the next move will be for 5 or so years, but it just doesn't work out that way. We end up enjoying our time, but looking forward to the next move. I really like the idea of moving around during specific school years - preschool, primary, middle, secondary... That is something I think I can use to help us plan. I am so glad I can discuss this with you ladies - it is so difficult to get a positive response about living overseas from family and friends here. They just do not get why anyone would ever leave home!

26

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 09:39

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. HAK - it is nice to hear the experience from someone who grew up as an expat. The good and not-so-good. Would you be able to explain Dark Side a bit more, or is it enough for now? Don't want to pry, but would like more information if that's ok. SS - My home country is the US. We've lived and worked in Qatar, Sharjah, Dubai, Bermuda, US and UK. We move about every 2 years - the longest was 3 years in the UAE recently. We've been in the US for a few months now and dh is ready to move back to ME! We always hope the next move will be for 5 or so years, but it just doesn't work out that way. We end up enjoying our time, but looking forward to the next move. I really like the idea of moving around during specific school years - preschool, primary, middle, secondary... That is something I think I can use to help us plan. I am so glad I can discuss this with you ladies - it is so difficult to get a positive response about living overseas from family and friends here. They just do not get why anyone would ever leave home!

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 09:15

Children are adaptable, but not [i'>that [/i'>adaptable. They need to feel that they fit in, belong and have the time to develop a close set of friends that will see them good, so to speak. Being the new kid on the block is hard at the best of times, but can turn horribly wrong if it's either badly timed (for the child), there's a huge cultural and linguistic difference or if, quite simply they have anything short of a thick skin and rock-solid confidence. Here in Dubai, of course, it's all a bit fake expat because the overwhelming majority of the population is expat. My family moved abroad when we were tweens into a community where there were no other foreigners. We integrated really well, but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't left some not-so-great side effects. There was another British girl my age about 75km away who didn't fare so well. This is not to say that it's not a great experience overall, because it is, but it will create issues. Your children won't necessarily be able to communicate them to you, or will feel that they can't, because you're pepping it up so much as such a wonderful thing. They will be afraid, out of their depth, isolated and lonely - sure, they'll have you, their parents, but that's not the same as proper friends their age that they've grown up with. I firmly believe that my various times abroad have made me into a better person, but there is a Dark Side that surfaces in certain circumstances.

Singapore Sling

243

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 08:52

We found that with children it is better to settle for longer periods of at least 5 years at a time and to break it in chunks according to their ages - preschool/primary school/secondary school. A period of 5 years also provides for ample time to start, settle, assimilate the new culture and wrap up without having to rush through life. It reflects better on the CV too. Life is however not always so simply planned. I find going home for holidays too stressful and feel that ones own little retreat is a haven and comes in handy during times like the recession as it also acts as plan B. Albertina if you don't mind me asking where is home and in which countries have you lived before? <em>edited by Singapore Sling on 17/02/2011</em>

26

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 08:38

Yes SD - settling down to us means 5-10 years!

5499

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 08:03

You say if you settle in one place it will be the Middle East. Do you mean for a few years like 5 or 10 years rather than for good?

26

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 07:24

That is exactly the kind of good tip I can hang onto when the going gets tough! Thanks for the quick reply. <em>edited by albertina on 17/02/2011</em>

Singapore Sling

243

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 17 February 2011 - 07:02

I doubt we will ever settle down and we have realised the value of having a holiday apartment/cottage/bungalow where one can return to and decorate as your own.

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