Leaving my husband?

kimora please email me at missymoo629at gmaildotcom. I can advise you of ome people to talk to. it does help you and you will feel a sort of release

Sallymander - that's an incredible description and one that's so true. I never felt the tunnel thing, but rather that my brain was a car that just wouldn't start, wouldn't do anything that I knew it should be doing. Anyhow, thinking about it, there are a good few things that have been known to help, which can be tried in conjunction with anything else: - exercise (obviously this is actually quite tricky if the person doesn't seem to have the energy, but it's good once you start! - healthy, balanced diet. Magnesium levels are apparently important for hormonal balance (depression is a hormonal imbalance), so maybe try to insert a few more magnesium-rich elements, or suggest a vitamin supplement. - Frankincense is a very strong aromatherapy oil that helps the mind move on and not dwell on things. I also find that it peps me up and gives me a burst on energy and focus and even now, always have some at home. You could try burning it, popping a few drops in a bath or, hehe, a massage! ;) Add a couple of drops of ginger and a couple of drops of frankincense to your base oil and oh-ho, it could be an interesting evening! - massage and reflexology

((((Kimora)))) (those are hugs) Im so sorry you are hurting and worried. firstly- please be good to yourself and dont take on too much responsibility for his feelings or it will sicken you and make you bitter and frustrated and dislike yourself too. He most definitely is clinically depressed and sounds just like my man in his reactions to it and in the type of things he says. Try to separate the person from the words that reject you. Every rejecting statement is a cry for help. How do I know this? Iv been there myself and Iv seen my DH through just the same thing. When youre so down-you hate yourself so much more than any feelings about anyone else-good or bad. As a man- he will be feeling maximum guilt if he feels he is letting you down- but will fail to inform you its not your fault effectively. Most men are just rubbish at talking about emotions and most likely he cant make head or tail of his to even contemplate what its doing to yours. Whatever you do- dont fuss him. That incurs more guilt. a guilty person eventually gets to changing guilt to anger directed at the source if its getting too much for him. I know its impossible to be yourself in this period of stress and sadness but keeping an appearance of normalcy is key- if youre the strong one at the moment. I dont mean being dismissive of his pain- just keep ticking along nicely and be comfortingly safe and solid. In the background so he knows youre close and not in his face when youre together. Do not challenge his defeatist statements or condescend to understand them. platitudes and soothing are insulting. He hasnt lost his intelligence- just his sense of proportion- for the moment. When someone is depressed- they go through stages of denial- closing down avenues of interest in life and people one by one -like self denial will bring control. It doesnt- it just ends up isolating them with their worst enemy- their runaway train of a brain. I remember thinking I was living in a long dark tunnel- like a sewer or something. It was really scary and dark at the far end and the trapdoor was too heavy to lift behind me. There were no doors or windows to get out of or see out- so I was stuck there- too scared to move and so so lonely and tired of my own company. I was so detached from reality eventually I started hallucinating- so I finally got seen to and made a full recovery. I never forgot being in that place though and shudder to think of it. It takes along time usually to get to that degree of being shut in but while youre digging yourself that hole your personality makes a shift -being more aggressive and pessimistic and cold and as its gradual- you lose friends and the sympathy and understanding of the people closest to you- just when you need them the most! Its a horrible disease.It feeds on itself. Get him help now. I know- being manly- he would rather his leg be bitten off by a shark than apply to a professional for mental instability but perhaps you can feed him the idea slowly- so he thinks its his own idea? Tell him youre a bit worried about a friend(maybe not about yourself in case it gets his back up)and show him what you looked up on the subject- ask his opinion on what he thinks this person should do or what you should do for her .Leave some printouts about that describe depression for him to relate to. -A good place to catch someone is the loo- (I will read shampoo bottles out of boredom while in there sometimes) Dont give up on him. Once a depressive- yes- it tends to recur- but it is fully treatable and understanding and love can save both your husband and your marriage. Many many heartfelt wishes for you both to feel better soon and love each other forever x

Youre welcome. Im not here for that much longer, but Im always happy to have a cup of coffee (and even then, I'll only be down the road in Muscat and back here pretty regularly I reckon)! Mail me on wikkid at mail dot com if you want to?

Hello Kimora, I hope in the light of a new day that things are looking a bit more hopeful. I think that those expat wives who have not been through at least a few of the points youve made should count themselves as extremely blessed. I know we (DH and I) certainly have. And at times still do go through... The important part I find is that you approach it in a way that makes sense TO YOU. At the end of the day, your marriage is between you and your husband. I know it can be daunting when you are in a different country without the support network etc, but you really do have to grab the bull by the horns. I think if it got that bad we needed to see a counsellor, my DH would also not be too keen to convince. Can you maybe try to change those things that are within your control? For example, DH and I bought kayaks and fishing stuff, and often we head out and go fishing. Initial expense was a bit, but certainly not in the unreasonable category. We manage to get out and do some exercise, enjoy each others company, but at the same time not be "in" each others space. Maybe try to work at finding yourself some new friends, and expanding your social circle; I mean that the new friends you make will have DH as well which would open up new experiences which dont have to be expensive - a BBQ at the beach (perfect weather for it!), a round of golf with a friend's DH, a party at someone's house, camping in the desert. Its a pity that we are about to go, as I'd invite you over for dinner (but dining room is about to be packed and shipped, and DH is already in Muscat!), but so many of the people I know here Ive made friends with over a cup of coffee, through another friend, EW coffee morning etc. You have to be prepared though to actually take someone's number, and make an effort to call and get a friendship going. But it sounds like you as well as your DH could do with some variety in your life (in a nice way, please dont take that as an insult), to realise there is more out there than just work. Another description if you like, is a non-medicated approach to coming out of a funk (I know, seeing a professional is obviously the best option, but if that isnt on the cards, the next best option...) My last point that I wanted to make is one that men so often get buried in soooo deeply, they cannot see it for themselves, is that they feel that as the "provider", they need to work, work, work to make sure you have a nice life (which, dont get me wrong, is important :D), but its not as important as realising that everything in life is about balance - if you overload the scales on one side, the other side is going to be left high and dry... Its especially difficult in the economic situation we are currently facing where job security really isnt something to be taken for granted. To the men, they see this as yet another reason to burn the midnight oil, not spend any money, etc... Really try to get him out there doing something! I hope you have the opportunity to change your life around and that it works for you. As that old song says "Know when to hold them, know when to fold them." Seems to me you still have some cards in your hand. You need to have a real good go at trying to get back on track. If then it still isnt working, you need to be able to walk away with your head high and your self-worth still intact, knowing you did everything you could.x.

(I am here by the way..you can address me as opposed to discussing me like I am not around!) Please accept my apologies too Kimora. These discussions often end up going off on a slight tangent, especially when the subject hits close to the bone. :) However you go forward from now, I wish you and your husband the very best.

hey kimora, mixed bag of replies, i know that it can be very very distressing to feel that the closest person to you, is unavailable (for whatever reason). It makes you feel insecure, sad, lonely,freaked out. Because all you want is for it to the same as it was. Take care, i hope today is a better day.

(I am here by the way..you can address me as opposed to discussing me like I am not around!) Sorry about that, Kimora! I got sidetracked. ;)

ETA - not wanting to pay medical expenses and not being able to cope are two different things so really not a fair comparison HK. Sure, everyone's situation is different and coping with years of depression - or any illness for that matter - takes its toll... I'm not belittling that. I'm simply picking up on the "advice" to leave him after that the OP suggests is 4 months of this change in her DH. They haven't yet explored any avenues for help, so it's very early days. It sounds as if his depression is situational and linked to Dubai, so maybe, if push came to shove and nothing else seemed to be working, before considering divorce, maybe consider moving back to wherever they were actually happy. The OP married him for a reason.

I wonder if men had forums where they discussed us ladies to the lengths that we do them, we would be happy. Food for thought! I wonder if men discussed us to lengths we do them (and our other issues) whether on a forum or with friends, they wouldn't have half of the issues they have and we wouldn't need to be discussing it.? ;)

I wonder if men had forums where they discussed us ladies to the lengths that we do them, we would be happy. Food for thought!

... Depression isn't a character trait, it's an illness. For those who have advised leaving him, on this issue, I'm going to hold you in the same contempt as my aunt, who's divorcing my uncle after his stroke because she doesn't want to pay for his medical expenses. True that it's an illness HK. True that it can be cured...IF the husband wants help. I agree leaving him without trying to help him would be unfair on both of them when they perhaps have some chance of a lifetime of happiness. However, not all of us are made of such strong stuff as your husband and SD's husband seem to be. Full credit to them...but please don't judge those of us on the other side of this horrid illness. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and all that. x ETA - not wanting to pay medical expenses and not being able to cope are two different things so really not a fair comparison HK. <em>edited by Green-ish on 16/01/2011</em>

Contrary to all the advice below, I think you should consider leaving him if you don't have children yet. If things are this bad now, they will only get much, much worse when you do have kids. Then it will be harder to leave him and the kids will suffer. I'm glad my DH didn't give up on me so easily! I prefer Green-ish's advice and think the OP should at least give him the chance to help himself. If he can get the help and lift himself out of this now he might be able to prevent things getting this bad in the future. Same here! Had mine done so, we wouldn't have got married, nor graced this world with our two wonderful children! Depression isn't a character trait, it's an illness. For those who have advised leaving him, on this issue, I'm going to hold you in the same contempt as my aunt, who's divorcing my uncle after his stroke because she doesn't want to pay for his medical expenses. I am not saying the OP should leave him because he is depressed. He may or may not be, I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm saying, if she doesn't have kids yet, that she should consider leaving him because he told her he didn't care whether they were married or not. "Then he says when we are arguing a while back that he isnt really bothered if i am in his life or not, it wouldnt really make a lot of difference. He says it so casually like its not big deal ending our marriage. Again, he says he loves me but if I was to leave maybe it would make life easier." That doesn't sound like a marriage that is going to last. If they are having such difficulties so early in their relationship, it will only get worse later on. edited by guinness on 16/01/2011 That's the depression speaking, pure and simple. You feel numb and nothing seems to effect you. It's similar to saying "It wouldn't make much difference if I were here or not. It wouldn't matter if I died. Maybe it would be easier for you if I wasn't here any more". Anyone thinking logically would realise that that would simply not be the case and that lots of people would be devastated, but logic has taken a big backpacking holiday and there's no mobile reception wherever it's gone. The OP's husband needs help to help himself. He may already realise that something's not right. Depression can be so complicated, but you can make a full recovery and return to being the person you were before the illness.

Contrary to all the advice below, I think you should consider leaving him if you don't have children yet. If things are this bad now, they will only get much, much worse when you do have kids. Then it will be harder to leave him and the kids will suffer. I'm glad my DH didn't give up on me so easily! I prefer Green-ish's advice and think the OP should at least give him the chance to help himself. If he can get the help and lift himself out of this now he might be able to prevent things getting this bad in the future. Same here! Had mine done so, we wouldn't have got married, nor graced this world with our two wonderful children! Depression isn't a character trait, it's an illness. For those who have advised leaving him, on this issue, I'm going to hold you in the same contempt as my aunt, who's divorcing my uncle after his stroke because she doesn't want to pay for his medical expenses. I am not saying the OP should leave him because he is depressed. He may or may not be, I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm saying, if she doesn't have kids yet, that she should consider leaving him because he told her he didn't care whether they were married or not. "Then he says when we are arguing a while back that he isnt really bothered if i am in his life or not, it wouldnt really make a lot of difference. He says it so casually like its not big deal ending our marriage. Again, he says he loves me but if I was to leave maybe it would make life easier." That doesn't sound like a marriage that is going to last. If they are having such difficulties so early in their relationship, it will only get worse later on. <em>edited by guinness on 16/01/2011</em>

Contrary to all the advice below, I think you should consider leaving him if you don't have children yet. If things are this bad now, they will only get much, much worse when you do have kids. Then it will be harder to leave him and the kids will suffer. I'm glad my DH didn't give up on me so easily! I prefer Green-ish's advice and think the OP should at least give him the chance to help himself. If he can get the help and lift himself out of this now he might be able to prevent things getting this bad in the future. Same here! Had mine done so, we wouldn't have got married, nor graced this world with our two wonderful children! Depression isn't a character trait, it's an illness. For those who have advised leaving him, on this issue, I'm going to hold you in the same contempt as my aunt, who's divorcing my uncle after his stroke because she doesn't want to pay for his medical expenses.

Kimora, having been through something similar not too long ago I would also say don't give up. I found the following links very useful at the time and I followed their practical advice and it worked out for me. I hope it will for you too. http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/section1/scenarios/depressedspouse.html http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/section1/scenarios/savingmarriage.html

Contrary to all the advice below, I think you should consider leaving him if you don't have children yet. If things are this bad now, they will only get much, much worse when you do have kids. Then it will be harder to leave him and the kids will suffer. I'm glad my DH didn't give up on me so easily! I prefer Green-ish's advice and think the OP should at least give him the chance to help himself. If he can get the help and lift himself out of this now he might be able to prevent things getting this bad in the future.

However there is also a support group forming for partners in similar situations if you are interested. I'm one of the members of this newly forming group and there are a couple of posters on here who are a part of it too. We are probably getting together Wed or Thur of this week. My e-mail is nataliecaroleajarn(at)yahoo(dot)ca and my FB is http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=121213294615680&id=746886283#!/profile.php?id=529088852 I can gt on to FB at work but not any e-mail so any e-mail would need to wait till I get home.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Everyone has given you great advice, but it seems the sticking point is getting him to realise he has changed, is depressed and may need professional help. WOuld you consider getting him to do an online depression test? I know the Edinburgh test is online, but this is for post natal depression. THere must be others out there that are reasonably reliable that he might consider doing as they are anonymous and don't require him to commit to make an appointment and talk to a professional. Perhaps doing one of these might make him see that he actually is suffering depression and may push him over the line to seek professional help?

Contrary to all the advice below, I think you should consider leaving him if you don't have children yet. If things are this bad now, they will only get much, much worse when you do have kids. Then it will be harder to leave him and the kids will suffer. I'm afraid I agree. Someone who needs professional help as clearly as your husband obviously does will only get anywhere if he realises he needs help AND asks for it himself. It cannot be pushed upon him. Give yourself a fixed timeframe (two weeks, one month, six months...), get some professional advice yourself on how to approach him about it and if he's not making positive progress in your set timeframe...move on. I'm sorry but I can speak from painful first-hand experience. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped and your life with him WILL NOT IMPROVE until he does seek help. It WILL GET WORSE and whatever you do DO NOT bring children into this situation. Love and strength to you. ETA - My most sincere apologies for making the assumption that you don't have children with him yet. If you do, the children will also be better off with two parents apart but happy rather than two parents together but miserable. xx <em>edited by Green-ish on 16/01/2011</em>

Contrary to all the advice below, I think you should consider leaving him if you don't have children yet. If things are this bad now, they will only get much, much worse when you do have kids. Then it will be harder to leave him and the kids will suffer.

It does sound like he's in a bit of a funk. It cant be easy on you, but marriage is very up and down, the tough times doesnt mean the marriage isnt working or there's something fundamentally wrong with the two of you as partners.... its just a tough phase that you have to weather through. Its the hard times that require the work and having to figure out, as you go along, what the need of the hour/spouse is. However well-intentioned your efforts of getting through his wall are, he knows you're making the effort and it seems to be smothering him. Its obvious he's going through some tough times and I am sure just knowing you're there, your love and support ever present, could be enough for him. Just be your normal self, show him that his mood isnt affecting yours too much. For him to know you are ok emotionally could mean one less thing for him to worry about right now, if I knew my partner worried about something I leave him be and just get on with dinner, looking after our DD and sooner or later he'll come to me himself to talk about whats bothering him. I hope your DH does the same very very soon and you two can leave this tough phase behind being the stronger for it! Good luck.

Hi Kimora. I feel for you in this situation! I, too, believe that marriage is almost always worth fighting for and I commend you on your determination and love for your husband. I do think that counseling can do wonders (if he'll agree to it) and a vacation can really help you to reconnect with him. I think that's the key right now - reconnecting. Marriage does mean a lot of sacrifice, even if it's your ego that you have to sacrifice, but I think that actions always speak louder than words. He may not be spoiling you right now, but what if you try and spoil him a little...a candlelit dinner, a note in his lunch (or just make his lunch), a surprise dinner out to celebrate the day you met or the day he proposed. He may get a smile out of those things, and realize it's you making him smile, and then let down the walls he's put up. Good luck to you :)

Kimora it is good you can get out of all the steam you have inside of you. It really looks like your husband is a bit depressed. It is a demanding environment here. Your husband like you describe is the responsible type so he wants everything right for you and family. Counselling is absolutely a good option, but perhaps before you go that way you can try to be positive towards him.Give him compliments about little things, hug him when he feels tired and let him feel that he is very important to you. It takes the two of you to make it work, don't give up if you really love him.

Just he sounds like he's showing the classic signs of depression - especially by the fact that he feels detached from reality (ie his life with you). How do you think he would react to a holiday, for example? Even a weekend break may jog him along a bit... away from the laptop and the familiarity of his usual surroundings. If he's a kind of upfront person, maybe try mirroring his way of dealing with an issue. Often, to get through to a man, you need to act like one... a kind of "get your coat on, we're going out for a pint" set-up where you can then ask him what's bothering him... or not... maybe just take the opportunity not to talk, but just to be there. Sometimes lots of introspection and analysis don't help - we women need it, because that's how we process things, just as we need to talk about things, but men don't. There's a term called "Man Cave" which is quite useful in explaining how blokes often deal with things. They occasionally need to retreat into their Man Cave to mull over things or just be by themselves. My Dh will sometimes tell me he just needs a bit of time in his Man Cave if he's a bit stressed or feeling down, and that's my cue to leave him to his own devices... similarly, if he's in the doldrums, I can gently say, "hun, you've been in your Man Cave for a while now... don't you think it's time to come out?" and he'll smile and do so. He's not depressed though, so the dynamic is slightly different. Hang on in there. Something's bugging your DH and it's affecting everything else. He may not actually be fully aware and/or in control... or even worse, he may be completely aware of how destructive his behaviour is, but can't change it for the moment. DH and I had the same issue, a long, long time ago before we were married, but I was the one with the problem. A lot of patience, understanding, some medication and the root of the issue going away saw it all right again.

I also think he sounds depressed and he might need medication before he is able to start doing exercise and enjoying life more. For your own well being and his, don't try talking to him about your marriage or problems at the moment as he's just not in a state of mind to deal with it and you are only upsetting yourself more and getting in a viscious downward spiral by continuing and not getting any response. Just carry on as best you can with keeping yourself busy for the time being. Don't ignore him, be pleasant but don't try and discuss anything important. Would he go to the doctor if you suggested? Maybe try to let things calm down for a few days and then make the suggestion. If you suggest it now, he may just say no as a reflex. I don't think he means it when he appears to take your marriage so lightly. It's very hard to deal with someone who is depressed and the best thing is to seperate the person from the illness/despression. I really hope things improve for you but for the time being just be kind to yourself and take a mental break from worrying and stressing for a day or two. <em>edited by A Rancher on 15/01/2011</em>

Post your email if you want

This is by no means a professional gathering,,,a group of ladies who are having similar problems here since coming to Dubai.

You get get those Time Out books on short breaks, and adventures.. There is a lot to do here but you have to step out of the rut and explore