Toddler behaviour since a new arrival! | ExpatWoman.com
 

Toddler behaviour since a new arrival!

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Latest post on 07 November 2011 - 15:46

DS (17 months) has been kind of interested in his little sister since she arrived, and hasn't seemed too bothered about the whole thing, but now we're home he seems to have developed selective hearing and a total denial of the word 'no'. He also thinks it's fun to rock the Moses basket as hard as he can, reach in and bash her and lob his toys full-pelt at her.

I completely understand it's all a massive upheaval for him, having had me exclusively to himself all his little life, and I want to make sure we're dealing with his behaviour in the right way as I don't think it's in any way naughtiness or his fault. I feel bad that he's having to share us now, if anything.

Any suggestions? I had a C section so I still can't pick him up or play with him like I used to :( but DH will be at home with us for another eight days or so.

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Latest post on 08 November 2011 - 21:58
I think maybe it is - DS is just your typical boy! Boisterous, energetic, over-enthusiastic, loves his rough 'n tumble... just a real boy.
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Latest post on 08 November 2011 - 21:56
My children have 18 months difference and we used the same approach as Kpea below. We brought our DD to the hospital so she was there immediately after birth. We let her kiss the baby hold him (of course with our help), encourage her to kiss him i praise her for it, tell him that he loves him and just encourage this as much as possible, so that there is no room for anything else. I would not trust her in the room alone because she was curious and wanted to carry the baby or play and take the baby on the floor, so just leave the moses basket in the cot. However, I am sure this is easier when the older one is a girl...
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Latest post on 08 November 2011 - 20:57
Thanks all :). I think I need to be more consistent with the throwing thing, and just make sure once something's thrown it doesn't get returned to him and that's that. Hopefully it shouldn't take too long for the penny to drop! He's had one-on-one with Daddy all week, which he doesn't normally get, but then I guess I haven't been there so it's all been different for him. I wonder if Daddy throwing balls around all the time might have confused him? He does love playing with them. But I did point out the other day that DH threw a toy back into the toybox when it was tidy-up time, and that wouldn't help with us trying to teach him not to throw things :(. I guess we just need to make sure he's getting as much attention as possible but at the same time make it clearly understood the throwing things and smacking her isn't OK :(. Maybe I need to man up and stop feeling sorry for him because his little life has been turned upside down!
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Latest post on 08 November 2011 - 15:11
Obviously depends on temperament, but in terms of whacking the new baby etc I was very very firm with my son that it was unacceptable, rather than simply trying to distract him or whatever. The gap between them is 18 months so he was/is essentially still a baby himself. what I found worked was a lot of praise and smiles when he touched her gently (I taught him how to touch her very gently on her belly or legs) so he doesn't feel left out and resentful and feel too tempted to take it out on her...But at the end of the day the first few weeks were tough, but he does now accept that there are times I simply have to concentrate on her. Except when I'm trying to settle her for a nap so he decides to sing and shriek loudly.....haven't worked that one out unfortunately.
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Latest post on 08 November 2011 - 13:52
As far as throwing, DS is just beginning to give this a try and so far our approach has been to give him a sour look, take the thrown object away without a word and turn our backs on him, if he throws he does not get it back even with tears (no warnings as I think at 15 months they would be confusing). I had a friend whose toddler got very dangerous with this behaviour (throwing metal cars and heavy objects at my baby's head), it started after Daddy had spent time trying to teach him to bowl a ball so we've decided not to confuse the issue, nothing is ever allowed to be thrown inside or out, even balls. They used to tell him off, make him go and pick thrown object up, bring it to them and then praise him for doing so which I always felt was not the best way to deal with it as the bad behaviour was essentially resulting in praise, which just reinforced the behaviour. A lot of "bad" behaviour at this age does seem to be centered around gaining attention so you have to consider what result your DS gets when he does something and teach him positive ways to gain attention (ie praise him when you observe spontaneous "good" behaviour. Good luck
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Latest post on 07 November 2011 - 23:17
Hey DC, we found your situation to be true only a couple days after bringing DS2 home from the hospital. We realised pretty quickly he was desperate for attention so I made sure he got lots of it even when I should've been resting or sleeping and within days our calm and soft natured boy was back. The solution we found with the Moses basket is that we didn't bother with the stand but rather put the basket in the cot so there's no way he can reach the baby. The bassinet on the pushchair is quite high too and that works for us too. Always try and reinforce the softly approach and when Will shows signs of jealousy, get DH to prop him up next to you for a cuddle and kiss. HTH, it will get better, especially once you're able to do more as you heal.
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Latest post on 07 November 2011 - 23:08
Hi DC I guess you already have some good advise here, My DD is 5 months now and DS is 4, so a much bigger age gap between them. With that though, it was still hard because DS had us for 4 years and had to share his parents. We had endless questions like who DD's Mommy and Daddy where, and he though when he came to see me at hospital, the hospital was DD's home! Hehehe got the shock of his life when we brought her to HIS house!:) What worked for us was having DH do a lot more with DS. They went out together a lot more, he played with him(puzzles, Lego,cars, trains) Anything really. I we were very calm with him, but regardless found that he was a lot more sensitive and cried more then normal. I guess we just dealt with it by being calm, consistent and giving him cuddles and kisses as much as possible. It is hard for them to understand, but once we got passed all this, I look at the two of them together and I thank my lucky stars over and over because he is fantastic with her. She adores him and he normally has her in fits of laughter when they are playing on the floor together. It will get better for you both. P.s DS was so fascinated by me breastfeeding that I found him trying to breastfeed her a few times, or he would be in his room trying to breastfeed his teddies!! priceless, so glad I got this on camera, I am so going to use this on his 18th birthday!!!!!:):):)
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Latest post on 07 November 2011 - 21:02
Had a little giggle at the sandwich situation but just a little one because it hurt ;). That's a good point re being ignored until he shakes the basket. I just mentioned it to DH and we don't [i'>think[/i'> that's been the case, but of course things might look different from his perspective so we are going to watch out for this and make sure he's getting plenty of attention. He throws everything at the moment and this isn't a new behaviour. Any suggestions for how to curb this also welcome!
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Latest post on 07 November 2011 - 19:54
I still only have the one little prince so not personal experience but I know my nephew wavered between indifference and active dislike with his younger brother for around 6 months. I think you need to not try and force the affection, ie don't try and "make" your older one pose in cuddly photos, kiss baby etc, totally ok for him to ignore her right now he is wondering why on earth you bought that weird little screamy thing back from the hospital and when is she going to leave. Dangerous behaviour is 100% not ok, make sure its not a negative attention thing (i.e he is ignored until he shakes the moses basket) for safeties sake you could make it a rule that he doesn't touch the basket at all, tbh he probably sees you guys rocking it and wants to imitate. Easiest is just a quiet no-no-no when he gets near it and quickly move him on to something else. Throwing toys, whacking her gets a much bigger NO and physically put him in another room. Practice "soft touch soft touch" with lots of praise and "good boy"s. Word of warning, don't leave him with her unattended even if he gets past the aggression. SIL found her DS "feeding" a sandwich to her 4 week old!:) When people visit and bring gifts for the baby it might pay to have some wrapped up cheap gifts to give him at the same time. He's still pretty little for "words only" discipline, so keep with the physical redirection and find him something else to do, don't be afraid to get a few DVDs out too for when you are breastfeeding, you can make up for it by doing something virtuous and educational later on ;)
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Latest post on 07 November 2011 - 17:32
Thanks as always :). I'm just so wary of coming across as too harsh, given that it's such a huge change for him! But you're right, he does need to learn she's delicate and he can't be bashing her around. Well, for now, anyway! Taking him away from whatever he's doing wrong seems to be the only thing that's working at the moment. He has been getting involved, passing things along to me and whatnot though. If only books were an option. He thinks they're an after-dinner snack.
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Latest post on 07 November 2011 - 15:59
It's SUCH a big change for the little guy. Here are a couple of things I did - my first 2 are 20 months apart. My son has always adored books...if I was breastfeeding the baby and he was hanging around, I'd get him to choose a book and sit up with us. Make sure latch was all good then focus (98%) on my son...that gave him hours and hours of relatively one-on-one time. I always asked him to do little jobs like passing me the clean nappy, helping to massage moisturiser on baby, helping with the bath etc. As much as we will all tell you "rest when the baby rests", I used to try really hard to get both of them down at the same time at least once a day so I could rest then. During the baby's other naps, that was Mum & Son time and he got my undivided attention. Maybe while your husband is still home, get him to help distract your big boy and also help you to ease him into 'helping' with the baby. When it comes to baby's safety (toy throwing, hitting etc) don't be afraid to be firm though...he must learn baby is precious very quickly. :) A quick, firm correction however you usually handle such toddler trials, then distract distract distract. <em>edited by Green-ish on 07/11/2011</em>
 
 

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