2yr olds and discipline | ExpatWoman.com
 

2yr olds and discipline

88
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 06 May 2011 - 19:08

Hello everyone! I haven't logged on in months but thought I'd pick all the mummy-brains for some advice.

DD is 29mths and is very strong-willed and stubborn. I love her to bits but am having difficulty controlling her behaviour a lot of the time. I know she's still little and have 2 other kids so am not a "new" mom, so maybe I just need someone to tell me she'll outgrow it and not be an uncontrollable brat in a couple years :D

Naughty chair, naughty corner, threats, rewards/taking away treats or toys (she's not attached to any toy or blanket and doesn't have any interest in TV), etc... nothing works. Not even the threat of the wooden spoon or the bogeyman (yes, I've resorted to scare tactics) can deter her. She cannot be distracted, throws tantrums and screeches when she doesn't get her way and just won't listen. This mainly happens at home - in public, on playdates and at playschool, she's just adorable. I have a 5mth old too but her tantrums started 6mths before he was born so it's not his arrival that spurred it on.

Sorry about the rambling... sleep-deprivation is a pain! So, am I the reason she's so brat-ish and what can I do?
<em>edited by habibti on 06/05/2011</em>

1861
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 May 2011 - 22:21
If she's in the midst of it, then you're too late to distract - you have to kind fo head it off right at the start - preferably at the first signs. It's easier said than done, of course, and as they grow - at least if your DD is anything like mine - it gets more difficult because their needs/wants become more complex. Even with a strong-willed child, you have to teach them to be able to control their emotions and channel them in productive ways. There are no signs - anything can set her off, even when you think things are going really well. There is absolutely no warning and what pleases her today may well not do for her the next. I don't expect me 2yr old to control her emotions, she's only 2 after all. Anyway, the more I think about it the less worried I am. It does get frustrating at times but so do many other things in the motherhood journey :) hehe - no, I don't think any sane person could expect a toddler to control their emotions - adults have enough trouble, sometimes - but it's a learning process. DD's tantrums were the stuff of legend, often with very little logic, but it's often details we find insignificant that matter a great deal to them (like where they put their toy before leaving home or which t-shirt they wanted to wear)... it gets easier when you can actually communicate with them more. If your daughter's already quite articulate, try doing this now - I wish I had... it would have saved me a year of frustration!
88
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 May 2011 - 18:16
If she's in the midst of it, then you're too late to distract - you have to kind fo head it off right at the start - preferably at the first signs. It's easier said than done, of course, and as they grow - at least if your DD is anything like mine - it gets more difficult because their needs/wants become more complex. Even with a strong-willed child, you have to teach them to be able to control their emotions and channel them in productive ways. There are no signs - anything can set her off, even when you think things are going really well. There is absolutely no warning and what pleases her today may well not do for her the next. I don't expect me 2yr old to control her emotions, she's only 2 after all. Anyway, the more I think about it the less worried I am. It does get frustrating at times but so do many other things in the motherhood journey :)
1861
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 May 2011 - 18:07
Thanks for all the replies and to plumie for bumping :) W.r.t. how I listen and try to deal with it - tried it all. When she is in the midst of her tantrum, she doesn't hear or see me, regardless of what I am trying to say or how I am saying it - hence me saying she cannot be distracted. Aryanwynn - what you said has me intrigued and yes, I do feel blessed and often want to record her antics and facial expressions (but that wouldn't help the discipline, now would it? :D ) I will try and get the book since I am now back in SA permanently. Perhaps it's just a matter of trying to understand her personality and temperament and then riding out this phase. If she's in the midst of it, then you're too late to distract - you have to kind fo head it off right at the start - preferably at the first signs. It's easier said than done, of course, and as they grow - at least if your DD is anything like mine - it gets more difficult because their needs/wants become more complex. Even with a strong-willed child, you have to teach them to be able to control their emotions and channel them in productive ways.
88
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 May 2011 - 17:49
Thanks for all the replies and to plumie for bumping :) W.r.t. how I listen and try to deal with it - tried it all. When she is in the midst of her tantrum, she doesn't hear or see me, regardless of what I am trying to say or how I am saying it - hence me saying she cannot be distracted. Aryanwynn - what you said has me intrigued and yes, I do feel blessed and often want to record her antics and facial expressions (but that wouldn't help the discipline, now would it? :D ) I will try and get the book since I am now back in SA permanently. Perhaps it's just a matter of trying to understand her personality and temperament and then riding out this phase.
355
Posts
EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 09 May 2011 - 21:50
Habibti you are blessed to have such a strong willed child! Seriously, I think it's a really good quality in a girl although I know you are battling with her now I think it's just in the handling. I, too have a really strong willed daughter and there were days when I would stare in horror convinced that they had given me the wrong child at birth :) If I remember correctly you are a Saffer; there's an excellent book by a lady called Hettie Britz by Evergreen Publishing that has made all the difference to me - it's called Growing Children With Character. It gives the different personality types and the discipline methods to suit your child's particular temperament. Explains why they are the way they are so you can parent with wisdom and not just blindly follow other people's advice. I borrowed a copy from a friend and it really switched on a light for me in terms of how to handle my DD; now I find she only gets impossible when I haven't been applying the principles of the book - it all relates to the fulfilling of each child's individual personality, needs and fears. I was so desperate to get a copy (only available in SA) that I wrote to the publishers and they sent me one. Hang in there and let me know if you need any support or tips etc Good luck!
651
Posts
EW GURU
Latest post on 09 May 2011 - 21:31
Bumping for Habibti! And if anyone else has any other advice to offer her? X
1861
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 07 May 2011 - 22:10
This was HK's advice from another thread earlier(HK, I hope you don't mind me reposting). I have been following the method below with my DD. I am amazed how effective it has been. It has been 2 weeks since she had her last timeout (touchwood). She used to have atleast 4-5 tantrums and at least one timeout everyday before. HK, thank you so much for this. "ignore the tantrum, not the child"... basically, tantrums are the frustration of not getting your message across, no more, no less. So anyway, when DD kicks off, I calmly ask her what's bothering her and ask her to tell me in words, like a big girl, rather than ignoring her completely and walking away from the screams. I'm amazed at how effective it is. She will often calm right down within a minute and we'll talk about it, properly. I make sure to listen very carefully and tell her that I understand how angry/ sad/ frustrated [whatever'> has made her and then I tell her the reason why I said no, or why we can't do what she wants to... and that satisfies her. It's not "giving in" at all - she still doesn't get what she wanted - but she's told me in an appropriate manner how upset that makes her and I've made sure that I acknowledge her feelings. She feels more in control, and happier and I have avoided 45 minutes of ear-piercing screams. Win-win! Also, give your DD time to make her decision. i tell DD to do something, if she refuses right away, I say "tell me when you are ready". So, she has some time to ponder on it and feel that she is in control. Usually, she comes back after 2-3 mins and says "mum, I am ready". That way, none of us stress and I get what I want, she gets what she wants. Hope it gets better for you soon. wow! that's great news! So glad it's working for you too! It's a funny one though, because thinking back, it's just so simple - almost a no-brainer, and I wonder why I didn't think of it before. DD's tantrums had honestly got to a stage where I couldn't take it any more and was wondering if something was actually wrong with her! You're so right in giving them a bit of time too - I've also read somewhere else that it's good to give them a few minutes after introducing something like "it's time to go home" - so it becomes "We're going to go home in 5 minutes, so it's time to finish playing and get ready to say goodbye"
184
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 07 May 2011 - 21:46
This was HK's advice from another thread earlier(HK, I hope you don't mind me reposting). I have been following the method below with my DD. I am amazed how effective it has been. It has been 2 weeks since she had her last timeout (touchwood). She used to have atleast 4-5 tantrums and at least one timeout everyday before. HK, thank you so much for this. "ignore the tantrum, not the child"... basically, tantrums are the frustration of not getting your message across, no more, no less. So anyway, when DD kicks off, I calmly ask her what's bothering her and ask her to tell me in words, like a big girl, rather than ignoring her completely and walking away from the screams. I'm amazed at how effective it is. She will often calm right down within a minute and we'll talk about it, properly. I make sure to listen very carefully and tell her that I understand how angry/ sad/ frustrated [whatever'> has made her and then I tell her the reason why I said no, or why we can't do what she wants to... and that satisfies her. It's not "giving in" at all - she still doesn't get what she wanted - but she's told me in an appropriate manner how upset that makes her and I've made sure that I acknowledge her feelings. She feels more in control, and happier and I have avoided 45 minutes of ear-piercing screams. Win-win! Also, give your DD time to make her decision. i tell DD to do something, if she refuses right away, I say "tell me when you are ready". So, she has some time to ponder on it and feel that she is in control. Usually, she comes back after 2-3 mins and says "mum, I am ready". That way, none of us stress and I get what I want, she gets what she wants. Hope it gets better for you soon.
1861
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 07 May 2011 - 15:03
Pick your battles. She's growing up and wanting to take charge a little bit of her life - becoming a bit more independent... so let her make decisions, but on your terms. Give her simple choices ("would you like an apple or some grapes?" "Would you like to go swimming or go tot eh park?" "Would you like to wear your pink dress or your blue one")... and give her positive attention. <em>edited by Hello.Again.Kitty on 07/05/2011</em>
201
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 06 May 2011 - 19:30
My DD is 32months i know where your coming from. Recently we have re-evaluated our discipline. Instead of saying no to everything instantly i say ill think about it or maybe, that gives me a few minutes to decide if its really that big a deal if she watches a bit more tv gets an extra snack ect. That has helped as she hasnt been feeling like i am the no mummy. Also we just give one warning and straight into the discipline, i know its hard and i hate it cos i feel the tanrtum coming on (5month old at home too and i know the screaming will wake bub) but we have to. On something thats just dis-obidient its the naughty corner if its dangerous she gets a smack on the bum. (just once and then its over) Honestly it has helped her behaviour doing these few things. I hope you find something that works i know what a challenge it can be. HTH
 
 

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