Mother as birthing partner – Husband not agreeing!

My Mum and DH were with me, rotating support, so one could leave and come back etc etc. Then at the final push, Mum left and it was just me and DH. It was lovely experience for all of us & meant the world to my Mum. But my DH and my Mum have great relationship.

OK - sorry, I can see my post would make it seem I was opposed to it. I know in many cultures mum's are often present. I think I am a little tired to be succinct, but here goes. What I objected too is this faliacy that men can't cope with the whole birth thing, which is very wrong. Also that the husband didn't get a vote, b/c he wasn't pushing a watermelon out of his vejayjay, nd would never be asked too.....my dad was not allowed to be present at the birth of any of his children, and it was the greatest regret of his life, he truly felt cheated. The OP's title says she wants her mother as her birthing partner, that tends to imply at the exclusion of the husband, .... [quote'> I can understand how you read it now and i think you have some really good points. I must admit i presumed she wanted both! <em>edited by mover and a sheikha on 06/06/2011</em>

I have to agree with MrsL on this one... This is the new family the OP is starting. I can't imagine having my mom in the room with me. Yes I am very close to my mom but I want DH to share this new venture with me. Going through birth, I wasn't the nicest woman at that point in time. With barking hold me, no it's wrong. Go away, no come back...etc etc etc.. I can't imagine saying those things to my mom... Plus, right now, I am totally embarrassed if I'm not fully clothed when in front of my mom :D Sorry OP.... edited by shjbelle on 05/06/2011 Exactly. THat is all about your relationship with your mother.

Why are so many people opposed to Nenni having her mother with her? I find it bewildering. Is there something that i'm missing? If she wants her mother and her DH with her, surely that's OK? It's her first birth, she may have a fantastic relationship with both of them. There are so many variables in all of us and our relationships but most replies seem to be, my DH and I just wanted to be by ourselves, so you should strive for that too. ... I think birthing mothers should be able to have whomever they like present for the birth of their babies. Assuming the relationship between nother and father is healthy and strong, I also firmly believe that the father should have just as much say in who is there and who is not. THEY are bringing this precious child into the world together. Sure, she does all of the physical work, but it's a special time almost beyond description for a couple. My point really is only that the most important thing is open and honest discussion about the reasons for wanting someone present, and making sure both parties feel heard and respected.

I have to agree with MrsL on this one... This is the new family the OP is starting. I can't imagine having my mom in the room with me. Yes I am very close to my mom but I want DH to share this new venture with me. Going through birth, I wasn't the nicest woman at that point in time. With barking hold me, no it's wrong. Go away, no come back...etc etc etc.. I can't imagine saying those things to my mom... Plus, right now, I am totally embarrassed if I'm not fully clothed when in front of my mom :D Sorry OP.... <em>edited by shjbelle on 05/06/2011</em>

OK - sorry, I can see my post would make it seem I was opposed to it. I know in many cultures mum's are often present. I think I am a little tired to be succinct, but here goes. What I objected too is this faliacy that men can't cope with the whole birth thing, which is very wrong. Also that the husband didn't get a vote, b/c he wasn't pushing a watermelon out of his vejayjay, nd would never be asked too.....my dad was not allowed to be present at the birth of any of his children, and it was the greatest regret of his life, he truly felt cheated. The OP's title says she wants her mother as her birthing partner, that tends to imply at the exclusion of the husband, .... While I agree it is important she feels comfortable, let's face it, birth is just the first step at parenthood......I personally think it would be wrong to start the journey subjugating the dads roll. No matter who is in the room, the baby will arrive, and the OP will need to parent it with her husband, he should get a say, how they resolve their differing opinions will be dictated by their relationship.....

Why are so many people opposed to Nenni having her mother with her? I find it bewildering. Is there something that i'm missing? If she wants her mother and her DH with her, surely that's OK? It's her first birth, she may have a fantastic relationship with both of them. . I tend to agree, it's very normal in many many cultures for the mother to be there and ultimately whatever makes the OP more relaxed is going to make for a faster easier birth. I think people can understand why the husband might not be keen but ultimately thats not the most important factor.

Why are so many people opposed to Nenni having her mother with her? I find it bewildering. Is there something that i'm missing? If she wants her mother and her DH with her, surely that's OK? It's her first birth, she may have a fantastic relationship with both of them. There are so many variables in all of us and our relationships but most replies seem to be, my DH and I just wanted to be by ourselves, so you should strive for that too. ps Husband is a farmer and was the only person watching the birthing vid in a relaxed manner while the rest of us had our hands in front of our eyes.

tell him that when it comes to him pushing an oversized melon out of his backside then he can choose who is there to support him, until then your uterus.. your choice! all jokes aside.. show him some birthing videos and see whether he can handle it, I only had my DH there but I made sure he knew what to expect, maybe your DH wants to keep it as a private special time.. the birth of your first child, just you and him being the first to see the baby.. maybe he'll agree to it if your Mum leaves for the final act? It could be a long drag and he may appreciate there being someone else around to take the pressure off. well put, OP, I hope you stand by your guns. May your birthing experience be smooth and wonderful! hugs and congrats

I would really like my mother at the birth with me, however my husband feels it should only be us two. I do respect that, but feel he does not understand how scared I am about it all! I have tried to explain but he is having none of it. I am only young and really feel strongly about her being there with me, at the end of the day she has done it three times before! edited by Nenni on 02/06/2011

I am not sure if you can, as men are not even close to understanding what childbirth is. It is not only in the movies, men usually faint during the procedure or just leave the room as they cannot take it anymore. I think having your mom next to you is a good thing, although I have to say that you will not be able to pay attention to her and she will not be able to help you in any way. At the end of the day your doctor is the one that you will need and the only person you need to be focused on. When I think of it, having your mom there is good idea – she can take care of your husband :) Sorry, not a joke really. 1 in 50 men are ok in that room during that time. I think the reason is that they never know how difficult that is. My husband waited outside. I wanted it like that, less stress for me – just for the baby, no husband stress :) There are videos on childbirth. Not nice, but accurate. It may scare your husband enough to make him change his mind :) Sorry, trying to be just very positive about it. Have seen many future dads literally running away from that room. Use to work in hospital. Good luck :) Goodness me. I could not disagree with you more on just about every point! Nenni...all you need to do is sit down and have a good think about exactly, [u'>honestly[/u'>, why you want your Mum there. Then you need to sit down with your husband and have a good, honest talk about what you both hope for in this birth experience. If you can both get it all out there in the open, he may be happy to have your Mum there...or you may decide you really just want your husband by your side. You may also find yourself feeling quite a bit more 'relaxed' about the whole process once you know all of the options available to you in terms of pain management etc. Go into the birth with an open mind and be prepared to take it one step at a time, making informed decisions along the way. Best wishes for your pregnancy and birth. :)

mpp_jl - I think you are being really unfair, sexist and I don't know what else (Victorian maybe?)...video's are nothing compared to the real experience. DH nearly passed out during the anti-natel class when they showed the video...and that was in the first 5 min!!! Hadn't shown anything really...However in the delivery room he was amazing. I had a VERY fast labour, my OB hadn't arrived, it was just the midwife and the room was not set up. He helped deliver DS, Not what was planned. He was amazing, basically there with the catchers mitt so to speak. So to say they don't know what is involved and can't hack it - well I find that attitude hugely frustrating and unfair. Nenni - this is a very special thing for your DH, and maybe, and quite rightly he is worried he will be sidelined in something that should be about you 2 creating a family. Also I think you need to ask yourself why you want your Mum there so stongly? Is it because you don't think he will cope? I don't think that is very fair.....Is it if something goes wrong (god forbid)? If its that, then the last person you should be listening too is your Mum, you should be listening to the medical professionals and then you and your husband making the decisions together..... I think you just need to think about why you want her there....and you need to address your fears - before the birth. I had both mine without epidural...both times I would have loved one but they were too fast. Anyway - yes it is painful, but you need to confront that head on, and allow yourself to have the power to deal with that...the mind is an amazing thing....the other option is you say, I don't want any pain and have yourself hooked up to an epidural at the first twinge......the most capable hands you will be in is the medical professionals- not your Mum. Maybe you husband doesn't want to start fatherhood playing second fiddle to his MIL - I get that.

I think for a lot of guys, you wanting your mum would be suggesting that you feel like they won't do a good job as a support person which would be seen as a failing on their part in a western context. It may well be the case that you do feel that way and in many cultures it is more traditional for the mother or even mother-in-law to be there rather than the husband. DH would have accepted my mother being there if I had wanted her, probably I would have said something like, "she has done it before so she will be able to tell me what to do and you can be there to keep me strong" but he wouldn't have been happy about it. In the end we had to have a c-section and it was in a hospital that wouldn't allow anyone in the theatre so I was alone. My husband was involved in the decision making process though (his baby too) and was the first to see and hold the baby when I got out. My mother arrived when my my baby was 2 weeks old and my husband went back to work then. For us it was the best way to do it but you have to do what is best for you. I think your mother being there will be fine (if that is what you want) but just be sure to pander to you husbands little man ego if possible and do make sure he gets to hold the baby before your mum etc. Husbands can often feel really pushed aside when the MIL is there (especially after the birth) and I think its good for their confidence if they get to learn the ropes at the same time as you rather than later on when you are already an "expert". Good luck with the birth, regardless of who is there with you!

just a thought - have you asked your DH how he envisions the birth and his role within it? You never know, he may have really strong feelings about this special time and may have a really convincing argument - more than just "i don't want my mother-in-law interfering". I think it's relatively easy to forget that the fathers are an important part of the whole business, and some - not all - want to take as active a role as possible within the whole process.

I've had my mum in with me for both my births and am planning on having her there for my third. She was fantastic help and support, more so than my OH who bless him tried hard but had no clue. I think if you want both of them there then you need to tell your husband that you need your mum with you and that's that. That's what I did, my OH wasn't happy but he wasn't the one pushing the baby out!

I'm not sure i even wanted my husband. We've got an odd relationship. I just wanted to be by myself!! But i'm a freak. I also asked my DH to leave the room when the pushing started for both of my deliveries. <em>edited by AnonDubai on 04/06/2011</em>

I'm not sure i even wanted my husband. We've got an odd relationship. I just wanted to be by myself!! But i'm a freak.

I had a fantastic relationship with my mum-and she would have been fine in the birthing suite-however there is no way I would have wanted her there-for me it would have taken something very special away from experiencing the birth with my husband-everyone is different I know but for me I only wanted my husband there-and the necessary medical staff-even the idea of a doula wouldn't have sat right with me as I wanted to shut everyone else out except my husband

Everyone here has their own birth story and each poster has their own different relationships with both their husbands and their mothers. Personally, my mother is a nightmare so no way but a good friend had hers in with her. Horses for courses. I also don't have any male friends who didn't help their partners out, not a fainter nor absconder in over 30 men. I'm not sure where you are in your pregnancy so you might be past this but a) do a good ante natal course, with your DH. b) make sure you both see a birthing video and ask your mum to watch one with you too. Suggest a shift pattern and warn them that you might change your mind at any time. You might labour for a very long time and people need to eat/ drink etc. Good luck with it all. The biggest fear for me was the unknown. Once the labour pain began, it felt normal and familiar. It did ****** hurt and got worse but it felt natural (until i got an epidural in, when it went away!).

There is no way I would have had my Mum there. Hours and hours and hours of labour then an emergency section aside, I never once wished she had been there. I had my DH and he was the only person who mattered. He supported me, listened to me, took abuse from me, stood up for me and during both my deliveries (both sections in the end) never let on that at times he was terrified (I didn't have good deliveries either time, but I'm not the norm I promise), but he was stronger than I ever knew he could be and he was the only person I wanted to share bringing our children into the world with (apart from the vast medical teams that seemed necessary in the end). Only you know your relationship with your Mum and you should have your birth your way, but I felt as another poster said, me and my DH made our babies and we experienced (or endured) their births together too. I would never have had it any other way. I do have a friend who had her Mum and her DH in the room for her 1st, I thought it was very telling that she only had her DH for her 2nd and she said she found the whole experience much calmer with just him. Just because you are young does not mean you can't do it without your Mum - you will be amazed at what you and your body can do. Ultimately it's your decision of course. Good luck with the baby - you'll be great.

I dealt with labour pains by swearing at my husband. If my mother had been in the room, I would have felt the need to be polite and needed drugs instead. Maybe your relationship with your mum is different - only you really know! And I will never forget the moment my husband saw his baby's head appearing and got tears in his eyes - that's when I realised we were really having a real baby - and also how much I loved him. And I am pretty sure with another family member present that intimate moment would have been lost and I would only remember people talking around me! Seriously, I agree with others who have said, you will probably just wish everyone would go away and leave you alone! You will not feel like talking, or listening. You will just want to get on with business, not engage in Oprah! You may even find the extra support to be a burden rather than help! ... Or not!!! Like Dan Lou said, every person is different and only you know yourself and your husband and mother. We are all just sharing our own perspectives....

I agree with what many posters have said about it being an intimate time for a couple. But only you know of the relationship between yourself and your mum, but also your husband and your mum. Don't forget that they will be relative "outsiders" to your experience and as such will have to experience it somewhat together if you insist on both. Do they have that type of relationship? I know this is all about you and what is undeniably an anxious time but don't forget your DH is a huge part of this! I can't help but thinking your mum's already had this time in her life... Although you say you're young please don't underestimate yourself, you will be strong when you need to be. And also your husband! And don't overestimate your mum's abilities, she is but a woman too. Good luck, don't forget it's also an EXCITING time!

However, if its just your husband, somehow women in labor r conditioned not to get overly stressed if men show signs of stress... DH didn't look stressed - he just looked quite pale and concerned. Seriously though, I wasn't really in the frame of mind to study his face!

god my post just read like an sms with all the abbreviations!!

Ok i so dont recommend having mum in... how many ever times she has popped herself. Mothers simply cannot bear to see their children in pain, even tho they know labor pain is normal and at the end of it she's gonna have a gorgeous little grandchild. And when mum shows stress on her face, it reflects on the woman going thru labor. This is how I feel. However, if its just your husband, somehow women in labor r conditioned not to get overly stressed if men show signs of stress.. At my first delivery mum was around.. took 24hrs. Second one, no mum, just DH, 2 hrs! :D Lol!!! I dont blame her for my long labor.. but I knew she was very stressed and i cud feel it.

I would really like my mother at the birth with me, however my husband feels it should only be us two. I do respect that, but feel he does not understand how scared I am about it all! I have tried to explain but he is having none of it. I am only young and really feel strongly about her being there with me, at the end of the day she has done it three times before! It has nothing to do with my parents being the "in-laws" as he gets on GREAT with my family!! I do not know if it is because he is not as close with his own family...... Any tips on how to put a good argument over to him!? Maybe i should add - i am not pushing him out - i also of course without a doubt I want and NEED him with me also! edited by Nenni on 02/06/2011 I am of the firm opinion that if you were not there for the conception, and you are not medical staff you have no place in the delivery room. It is his baby too, and he obviously wants it to be a private time between you and him and I think you need to respect that. Could your mum come and be outside? With the understanding that if you are both comfortable with her coming in she can. Just because someone has given birth three times does not make them a fabulous support person. Seeing your own daughter in pain can have a bad affect on mums. Good luck with it all

It's important to have people you trust around you as support, and they should also be people who know when to back off and leave you to it and who aren't going to fuss around asking you stupid questions. Labour isn't a spectator sport, after all. I had DH with me both times and first time round, bless him, his support was limited to passing me some water as soon as I yelled for it and taking it away a split second after I hissed "away!". He felt pretty helpless in all of it, to be honest. But, having people you trust around you will help you to remain calm and relaxed, which are key ingredients in an easy and uncomplicated labour.

Would he perhaps agree on a doula as birth partner instead? The doula has experienced plenty of live births and is a professional doing her job, maintaining a bit more distance and perhaps easier to tolerate at the big event than his mother in law! I did not have the option of having my mother at the birth of my DS, had a doula there instead (and my DH of course). To be honest even if I could have had my mother there I would still choose the doula instead. I do see your husband's point, the birth of a first child is so special, one of the biggest events of both of your lives so far. It is the day you will become a family not just a couple and there is something to be said for keeping it between the two of you. Even if my DH was the one giving birth instead of me, I would definitely not have wanted my MIL there! But would have let him have his way if he absolutely insisted ;) Good luck, I hope you manage to convince him or reach a compromise!