feeling low!

i think saying i'm hormonal will do nothing to make her and dh realise they are at fault- they will just think they are being wonderful by accomodating my mood swings !! "Would you rather be happy or right"

Hi again Goblet Just checking in and hoping you are feeling brighter and stronger than you did this morning!:) Hope that you may be able to use some of the advice given and remember we are all only a post away! More hugs;)

maybe question your husband.. "why do you always think about what she wants/needs but not me? I am not asking for a lot... a few days here and there without her, and at least a vacation every once in a while without her is not unreasonable for me to ask of you. I am not being a bad DIL for wanting time away from her and you cannot expect me to want to be around her 365 days of the year." maybe you can write it all out in a letter... and not just focus on the negative, but reassure your husband you are ok with your MIL living with y'all but that there has to be a balance where it isn't all about her feelings all the time. <em>edited by Abaddon on 18/01/2011</em>

You can always say that you are really sorry but you are feeling hormonal. Would she mind letting you go somewhere with just your DH and/or family as you really feel like you want some alone time with them before the bub arrives?

I maxed out before I finished- so bear with me:) If MIL is stormy and petulant and set to be difficult then manage her as you would a child. Firmly but fairly. Ignore the name calling and be unfailingly kind. Good words to use are- "Im sorry you feel that way but you are certain this is best for all concerned" "I am happy to listen to your point of view and thank you for sharing" "would you like a cup of tea?" "Im really grateful for a chance to clear the air so we can remain close". Do not allow her to make you feel guilty and dont engage in a heated argument. I have found an unexpected hug in the middle of a tirade takes all wind out of sails- just be quick about it before she sees it coming and thinks its aggressive or you could get a punch. As to your DH- all men are hounds- they want to be fed, lie in front of the fire and ...be scratched. Offer him a bit of incentive and he will be putty. Tell him youre a bit inhibited when his Mum is around and some nookie may be in the offing while you two are truant on a holly without her and he will sell her to a camel trader/let you deal with Ma very happily. Appease his conscience about leaving her behind and he is yours again. (guilt about parents feelings is ingrained and some kids never get untangled from that web so dont be too hard on him- just give him an out to go do boy stuff without hassle and he will take it eagerly) You can explain to him that YOU as a WOMAN understand his mum very well and know that her desire to accompany you everywhere stems from her need to please and be accepted but is often to her detriment. Such female selflessness should be stemmed for her sake as she will soon become exhausted and resentful- always being there for all of you. with New Baby coming you will need her more than ever and if MIL isnt strong you may need him to step in to help with the kids....(He will be very alarmed) Explain that she needs time off too and must not lose her identity as an individual-after all she has done years of domestic time and reared kids and must be sick of it however much she pretends she doesnt for your sakes..... At this point you will have probably lost him and he will have decided you mean her no harm, seem to know what youre talking about and he can safely back away and switch out to the whole female melodrama. Waffle some more until he is semiconscious (tickle his back for faster results) and finish up with how wonderfully understanding he is and its no wonder since MIL reared him-yay...lol. He wont know you just railroaded both of them- just that he gave his consent and agrees with you and thats all she needs to know. She may be sulky and resentful for a while but thats tough. Just ignore bad behaviour and praise the good. After all- she is just insecure. she will learn to respect you- if youre not a doormat and your approval will eventually mean the world to her. Dont let her poison your nest or use her son as a weapon to make you bow to her wishes. She had her time . Now it is yours but you can be magnanimous. Show her you will not fight- because you hold all the cards AND youre a lovely person. Its a matter of perception and hers is short sighted. Be strong, take no prisoners and be sweetly devious. My MIL is a doozy but she is coming around. I throw her a bone occasionally.

Dare I ask if your MIL is living with you as this is cultural? If so it's my understanding in these types of situations that your DH may feel totally responsible for her, and he is 'doing his duty'? Albeit not what you want. I don't mean to cause offence if this is not the case, or indeed it is - but it may give us more insight into your situation. I wish I could solve your problem - huggs

Youre being walked on! Youre pregnant and should be treated with more respect than youre getting from both of them. He is being selfish and a coward. He is afraid of upsetting mumsy and wants an easy life- which includes the built in buffer of having to do less daddy' hands on' while she is with you I bet. Probably all subconscious- knowing men and their emotional switch- so no point going for the jugular there as he has made is stance on domestic pettiness plain. "He is saying- leave me out of it!" in true manly spinelessness. MIL is not innocent- your instinct is telling you there is a little power struggle going on and youre losing. She had her turn- now its yours. The only way to tackle this is communication- plain speaking and fair listening or these resentments will build and fester especially if this a permanent thing to have her in the house. Take her aside- to a public place- for tea. (she cant scream, cry or storm off as easily in public and you are treating her so it would be extremely rude to be ungrateful or churlish about it) Draw her out about her relationship with her husband and admire her loving loyalty (if she loved him) or sympathize- if she didnt. She is now in an empathetic state. Then tell her you are feeling sad about the possible changes another bub will wreak on your happy family dynamic and tell her you feel you may not be as close as you all were once it comes and need to spend some time alone with your family before its too late. She will smell a rat and leap in to offer to help- so she is not left behind. This is your cue to explain to her that you have a small break booked and she must be deligted to be getting a rest from you all after all her hard work and what she has to put up with living with a young family. Do not let her interject at this point. Go on and say how you couldnt do without her and how selfless you feel she is being which makes you feel guilty sometimes. Tell her you need to feel you are as good as she is by managing your family alone for a short period without help. This could also be a form of self reassurance that you can cope with them once the new baby arrives. You just cant expect to have a built in babysitter and domestic help from your lovely MIL forever. You feel spoilt and less confident about yourself as a mother and wife. As youre pregnant and hormonal she must understand that you need all the reassurance and confidence boosting possible..... Finish up by saying the main family holiday including her- if she would like to come -will be in July(or whenever) and you and your DH are planning XYZ and is she interested in that and she must let you know...(thereby showing her that expectations of being included in all family activities is not an automatic given- but out f respect for her too) Whatever you do- dont let her make you feel guilty. She has been manipulating both you and her son - probably out of insecurity but its still not on and a part of her must realize that- if she has been so subtly clever enough to get you to this point. Be brave and dont worry about upsetting the applecart. If she has to live with you she must accept the dowagers cottage you provide. You are not a second class citizen in your marriage and come first as partner to your husband and mother of his children. You did NOT marry with her in mind. If your DH is annoyed at his mums displacement or if she is miffed- then its time for a little chat with him about YOUR needs. He will back down. Men are just lazy and find womens issues scarily involved. Give him an option to slink off and do boy stuff while YOU manage mother and Im sure he will happily sell her to a camel trader/allow you to put her in her place a bit. This can be achieved without any violence or meanness. You can be as sweet as honey the whole time- just be pushy with it and dont back down or show doubt in your conviction that this is the right thing to do for all of you- kids,parents and granny. Use words like- "Poor MIL" "Lovely MIL" "Best in the world and so put apon MIL" and insist on appeasing YOUR conscience about how much she does for all of you and how much you feel she needs a rest and how you dont want her to begin to resent you leaning on her etc etc... Its impossible to be mean to someone who is repeatedly,unfailingly kind and sweet to you- to your face at any rate. Its also very hard to refuse a gift and boy are you giving her a gift (by not reading her the riot act with the tongue of an asp) by appreciating her and being unselfish enough to realize she cant be taken for granted and needs her space... If she complains to DH and asks to go too- then stand firm- with both of them.

thanks joyceb .. i have tired to reason , argue, explain, be patient.. but it seems to get worse with time.. i know it's an emotional issue.. dh now says that it's the kids who want her there all the time. i know they would never have the sense to say that... i'm ok most of the time but at times this issue comes up in my head and creates turmoil inside of me.. in previous holidays dh would become the 'backseat' person and send me and his mum off to 'dp stuff' together.. grrrr... the i started to voice how i wanted to do stuff with him on holiday not his mum while he babysat... i've even suggested to takes her away by himself but he doesn't want to do that either !!! Then you need to drop the gentle and stick to firm! When my dad died 8 years ago we took mum with us when we went on our autumn weeks holiday on a narrowboat (barge) just to get her away from home for a while. We took her on 3 consecutive years which was fine but each time she had some kind of accident as she is very ladylike and not used to outdoor type holidays. My DH simply said that she wasnt coming again, end of. I was a bit put out but after thinking about the history with my gran agreed. Mum and I were obviously pretty fragile following dad's death but DH was worried about her safety and basically said there wouldn't be any more narroboat holidays if I insisted on mum coming (which I wasn't!!) She was a bit miffed when I told her but she accepted it and it hasn't affected our relationship. It might cause fireworks but you need to say to your DH that if he insists on mother coming along then you are not! Can't you bite the bullet and speak to your MIL? Tell her that you love and value her input to your family but you'd really like some time alone with your DH and family.

It’s tough situation, because neither for your dh nor for his mom your feelings will be priority to their own. And you cannot talk to non of them. It’s such a shame, especially if you are expecting. I had a big fight with my ex MIL when I was 5 month pregnant. It hurts a lot. I still remember that bitter feeling. I would ask my dh if I can go for a few day before baby arrives on my own with kids only. May be this will make him consider your feelings next time.

Gosh, everyone's a whole lot nicer to their husbads and MILs than I am - If I were in your position, by now, husbad would know in no uncertain terms how I felt and that things had to change and MIL would also be made aware that she was occasionally de trop (which is why I don't live anywhere my MIL, I guess!). I'm lucky, we've not had that kind of problem with MIL, she's always been discreet, we just have massive financial problems because of her as she spends money she doesn't have and expects us to foot her bills with money we don't have!

I would sit your DH down and get him to understand that you want to have him to yourself for a while. Ask him how he would feel if your mother was there 24/7?? It's more difficult when your MIL is actually a nice lady who thinks she is helping. Tell him that you love his mum but really need to have "couple time" without his mum being a little echo in the room! I grew up with my gran staying with us every single weekend after my papa died. Gran came on every family holiday and I can still see my dad having to grit his teeth at times. Now my mum is elderly and expects to be at mine every week and gets a bit sniffy when we go on holiday without her. I gently told her that I loved her and yes would care for her but I needed to have my time alone with my husband. She did admit that she felt a bit guilty about what had happened with gran all these years before and that she suspected that dad wasn't happy about her constant presence. I told her that as much as we loved gran, it would have been nice to have had a family holiday with just mum dad and my sister. You need to gently but firmly put your foot down.

yes that's a toughie and probably why you haven't had any quick responses! I really do feel for you, it is a difficult situation at any time but harder having to deal with it whilst pregnant and so possibly even more nurturing and protective of your own family than usual. I think maybe DH doesn't want her to feel left out, more-so than being a mummy's boy - reason I say this is because you mention he thinks it's ok when you leave the kids behind. If he was a true mummy's boy then he would want her with you on any trips, irrespective of whether kids are with you or not! My DH is very protective of his Mum's feelings and they do have a close relationship, but she lost her husband 10 years ago and since then he has felt a strong responsibility to make sure she's ok. Initially I found that difficult but I have since come to understand it, however you are not being selfish and he should have the sense to keep the dynamics right. Take heart in the fact that she's not a bad person, some MIL stories are horrendous! All the best to you xxx

Have you spoken directly to your MIL and let her know what you want?

How long will she stay with you? If it’s temporary, I would say use the opportunity – go and catch a few days only two of you. I understand you want your kids to be with you, but this opportunity won’t happen soon in the future as you will be always with your LOs around! Regarding to the MIL – she must understand that son’s family must have their life, but if she doesn’t then it’s up to your dh to raise his voice. I like the idea to book for her something on the same dates.

HOw about arranging something for just her on a weekend..e.g spa treatment or night away and then you go away at the same time somewhere else?

Could you talk with your MIL about you, your DH and kids going away for a few days?

Huge hugs for you Goblet. Don't really know how to answer your question. I am a MIL, but when I am in the UK with my son and his family I am very aware of trying NOT to encroach on their time. I would like to think your MIL would give you space too. Your husband should also give you a bit of moral support. Can you tell him your hormones are really all over the place at the moment and you would sooo appreciate a couple of days, just this once, for the two of you and your children, before the new baby comes along? Reinforcing the fact that the new baby's arrival,although very exciting for your children, will make quite a difference to them. You are certainly NOT being selfish and he is married to YOU not his mother. HTH and wishing you the getaway you deserve!:)