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To have (kids) or have not?

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161

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 17:20

I'm also not the motherly type, my kids would vouch for that, teehee. But, we managed. In fact still managing, just a different stage. My eldest is off to uni this year, I'm proud of her but secretly I'm sooo sad, I will miss her. Even though she ignores me most of the time. That's another thread I think? How do you cope when one goes away to study? And by the way, loved the comment about your heart not dividing, but multiplying. OMG I'm getting sentimental now!!!!

kiwispiers15400

2782

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 17:18

I don't think its a decision that can be made through a list of pros and cons. The real reasons to have kids are intangible, basically because life is just more fun when you share it with others. Words can't really describe how it feels to love somebody so fiercely, so unconditionally and with the whole of your heart and to know that you are their world, that they think you can do anything, it sort of makes you feel like a super hero, and then, when you wonder if you could possibly love a second child as much as your first, you have that second child and your heart doesn't divide, it multiplies. [b'>[/b'>...... I guess you do it for the love. Funny you mention this I was talking to DH yesterday about our second baby and I was saying to him I love DS so much he has my entire heart how will I give a part of that to another baby? :D I think every mother wonders this, but thats exactly what happens, you don't love your husband less, or your firstborn less, your heart just grows bigger and bigger. I think mothers are just love-junkies really!

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 17:09

I never wanted kids, they were never on the agenda for me. Never thought about getting married etc. Married, still never wanted kids, however, I saw my husband's colleague with his wife and kid (I remember that moment so clearly). Something changed in me at the moment, I don't know what it was, but after thinking about having a kid, I told dh I wanted one (he was rather shocked! But I think he did want one secretly). Took 18mths, but we got there. We now have georgous little boy who is 9mths old. I'm still not what you call the 'motherly type', but I love him dearly & wouldn't be without him. We are now trying for a second babe. Again, I said I would never have another one! I'm just coming up to 32, and my family are still very surprised that we have a little boy.

Dubai_City_Chick

336

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 17:09

I don't think its a decision that can be made through a list of pros and cons. The real reasons to have kids are intangible, basically because life is just more fun when you share it with others. Words can't really describe how it feels to love somebody so fiercely, so unconditionally and with the whole of your heart and to know that you are their world, that they think you can do anything, it sort of makes you feel like a super hero, and then, when you wonder if you could possibly love a second child as much as your first, you have that second child and your heart doesn't divide, it multiplies. [b'>[/b'> I absolutely miss my old life, I miss the freedom, the spontaneity, having complete ownership of my body....I do not enjoy every moment of my day, I but even at the darkest moments if you were offered that life back, but it meant not having your children you wouldn't even have to think about it. Being a mother gives you a sense of purpose, I feel like raising my children is the most important thing I could ever do. Before I had kids I didn't know it would feel like that, I was worried probably for the same reasons you are, but I did know that when I cuddled a 4 year old or held a tiny two year old's hand in mine that I felt like I was missing out on something important. I think you would know if you didn't want kids and if you feel that way, then its better you don't have them. You can certainly live a happy life without them but if I look back at my old life, there were so many good aspects of it, but I didn't have nearly the same level of love in my heart. I guess you do it for the love. Funny you mention this I was talking to DH yesterday about our second baby and I was saying to him I love DS so much he has my entire heart how will I give a part of that to another baby? :D

kiwispiers15400

2782

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 17:07

I don't think its a decision that can be made through a list of pros and cons. The real reasons to have kids are intangible, basically because life is just more fun when you share it with others. Words can't really describe how it feels to love somebody so fiercely, so unconditionally and with the whole of your heart and to know that you are their world, that they think you can do anything, it sort of makes you feel like a super hero, and then, when you wonder if you could possibly love a second child as much as your first, you have that second child and your heart doesn't divide, it multiplies. I absolutely miss my old life, I miss the freedom, the spontaneity, having complete ownership of my body....I do not enjoy every moment of my day, I but even at the darkest moments if you were offered that life back, but it meant not having your children you wouldn't even have to think about it. Being a mother gives you a sense of purpose, I feel like raising my children is the most important thing I could ever do. Before I had kids I didn't know it would feel like that, I was worried probably for the same reasons you are, but I did know that when I cuddled a 4 year old or held a tiny two year old's hand in mine that I felt like I was missing out on something important. I think you would know if you didn't want kids and if you feel that way, then its better you don't have them. You can certainly live a happy life without them but if I look back at my old life, there were so many good aspects of it, but I didn't have nearly the same level of love in my heart. I guess you do it for the love.

Dubai_City_Chick

336

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EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:58

I dont think anyone here can give you the answer your looking for. This really is something you need to figure out yourself. Yes when your 65 you may regret not having them but if you dont want kids now do you really want to wait till 65 to feel good about it? Too many kiddies out there in families where the parents weren't ready for it. Its your choice. Good luck.

3863

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:56

My sister is the same as you louise, entirely her choice and never regretted it. It's great for me and my other brother and sister (we're a big family) because she spoils our kids sooo much and they love her immensely too. My Sister has 3 and said to me if you have any have 1 and stop haha The world how it is today worries me so much if i had girls they would be in long skirts and chastity belts till they were 30! To my Neices and Nephews i am the cool Aunt whom they talk to when they dont want to talk to Mum. They get the best both of worlds and their Mum knows they will confide in me and i will listen and advise them accordingly

161

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:54

My sister is the same as you louise, entirely her choice and never regretted it. It's great for me and my other brother and sister (we're a big family) because she spoils our kids sooo much and they love her immensely too.

3863

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:43

Do not have them, never wanted them and do not feel like i have missed out at all Have lots of Neices and Nephew whom i adore and that is enough for me

51

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:41

I'm turning 36 this year and have an 11 old DD. I would never have thought i'd get married or have kids for that matter - I enjoyed my carefree life too much and have never really had any interest in babies. in fact my baby is the first one I've held in my entire life. What changed by mind was my DH who absolutely loves kids and is great with them. We got married when i was 32, and at 34, we decided to try to conceive since I was not getting any younger and my worst fear was to deny him the chance to become a great father that I know that he will be. fast track to present.. after 11 months of sleepless nights... juggling work and family life.. it has been quite a challenge, and I still miss my old carefree life. But watching my baby sleep, seeing her break into a huge smile when I get home, hearing her laugh and watching her take her first steps... it's an amazing feeling. Now, I worry about the future on whether I'll be a good mom, and I'm terrified when my baby will reach teen-age years dealing with hormones and boys (!!)... but i've decided to just enjoy every moment with my family. And yes, like the other posters, there's never a moment that i regretted the decision.

161

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:27

My oldest brother had a vasectomy at 24!!!! He was encouraged by his then wife, number 1. He is now (almost) on wife number 3, still childless but still says he has never regretted his decision. His first wife went on to have 2 kids with her new hubby,people change their minds.... When mine were babies there were days that I thought what the h*** have I done!! Even now that they are teens I have days when I think that they seemed like a good idea at the time,lol...but as for longing for carefree days, no one to please but myself? Honestly no, I love being their mum, and all the stuff that comes with it.

2584

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:26

But having children is so much more than the first year. Not sure i even remember the first year! lol. (Sleep deprivation) :D

943

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:24

Someone recommended to me to read Operating Instructions by Ann Lamott, which is a diary she keeps of the first year of her son's life. It was a real eye opener for me and made me think that babydom is probably not for me. But having children is so much more than the first year. I think reading something like that book would put you off having children if you are already on the fence, because babies are tough!! My friend had her son absolutely hating the idea of having a baby, for her she wanted to have children for when they are 20 year olds. She had zero interest in the baby part, she's actually OCD and the whole idea freaked her out big time. However, when her son was born it was like a light switched on for her. She still didn't enjoy the baby chores (and couldn't imagine getting through it all without a maid!) but her son is her life. She says that the older he gets, the more rewarding it is and she could never imagine a life without children. For me having children was a no brainer, I have always known that I want them in my and even though my children are still young, I am enjoying every minute of it.

5452

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:18

A life without children is one I caould never fathom. Once you give birth to your little gem, you will never look back and wish that you could live your former life. They are part of you and make life so much more fulfilled. Really? I know I look at DS everyday in awe he certainly completes us but through all the late nights and disciplining do mothers here never miss their baby free days? I must be the only bad parent... I do sometimes miss those days when my life was so carefree but I see it as part of my past and I could not have lived that carefree life forever. There is a time for every phase in life...

5452

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:17

I haven't read the other replies. My personal opinion is that one day, when you're about 65, you may sit back and regret not having had children, but you will never ever regret having had them.

161

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:10

Polly to be honest I don't they ever fit in when you have you have your life planned out, there always seems to be a reason to put it off. But if it's something you really want, at 35, maybe you should do it sooner rather than later? There are good times and bad times being a mum, but I think for most of us it's something that we never regret doing. I certainly couldn't imagine a life without mine. My friend is 37 and now wants a baby and is struggling to conceive. Not saying that this will be you (I hope not) but we are not fertile forever.

4423

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:06

I have been thinking about this a LOT of the past 8 motnhs, I turn 35 in a few days and I know my body is not getting any younger ... I know I want one, possibly 2, can't imagine a life without them in my future, but when! When do they fit in ?? Polly I don't think there is any perfect time, there is no preparation for that little bundle that changes every aspect of your life in every imaginable way! I also don't think you can talk about pros/cons, as your own children will be the single most fabulous thing to ever happen to you - every minute of lost sleep is worth it (and there are lots ;) ), every aspect that you could consider a con (lost time between you and DH) can be turned in to a pro (family time!). It's a very personal decision and you all only know what is best for you. IMO though, you would never regret having children, but would you regret not having them? only you know the answer to that. Good luck, whatever you decide :) Thank you that is lovely, this will be the year I personally decide. I didn't want to be here and not have children when I was younger, but life flies by, but this will not be a year that I don't make BIG decisions in my life!

Dubai_City_Chick

336

Posts

EW EXPLORER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:04

A life without children is one I caould never fathom. Once you give birth to your little gem, you will never look back and wish that you could live your former life. They are part of you and make life so much more fulfilled. Really? I know I look at DS everyday in awe he certainly completes us but through all the late nights and disciplining do mothers here never miss their baby free days? I must be the only bad parent...

2584

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:03

I have been thinking about this a LOT of the past 8 motnhs, I turn 35 in a few days and I know my body is not getting any younger ... I know I want one, possibly 2, can't imagine a life without them in my future, but when! When do they fit in ?? Polly I don't think there is any perfect time, there is no preparation for that little bundle that changes every aspect of your life in every imaginable way! I also don't think you can talk about pros/cons, as your own children will be the single most fabulous thing to ever happen to you - every minute of lost sleep is worth it (and there are lots ;) ), every aspect that you could consider a con (lost time between you and DH) can be turned in to a pro (family time!). It's a very personal decision and you all only know what is best for you. IMO though, you would never regret having children, but would you regret not having them? only you know the answer to that. Good luck, whatever you decide :)

1050

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EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:03

We never actually made a decision not to have children until we reached our 40's. I had a miscarriage in my 30's and DH and I were quite excited to be starting a family and when it didnt happen we didnt consciously decide not to have kids. Now in my 40's I can say that I am selfish and dont want children, do I regret it. I really dont know but I do know that I didnt want to persue the IVF side and/or adoption, the reasons were my own and very personal. DH said he would support me either way, the sad part of our decision is that there is no one to carry on his surname, his brother never had children either. His parents never became grandparents but thankfully they are very close with my niece and nephew. I have the most amazing nieces and a nephew and I have always been a big part of their lives, despite living thousands of miles away. I'm actually going home to see them in a month and we are all so excited, I get emails every week and skype when we can. I am pulling them out of school to spend some quality time with them and I cant wait. Very very excited!!!!

1575

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 16:01

A life without children is one I caould never fathom. Once you give birth to your little gem, you will never look back and wish that you could live your former life. They are part of you and make life so much more fulfilled.

4423

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 15:57

I have been thinking about this a LOT of the past 8 motnhs, I turn 35 in a few days and I know my body is not getting any younger ... I know I want one, possibly 2, can't imagine a life without them in my future, but when! When do they fit in ??

4062

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 15:49

This might sound dumb but if you celebrate it, how do you see your Christmases? I always imagined Christmas surrounded by my children, with stockings hung and treats out for Santa. I love that this is now my reality for Christmas. However I have friends who don't want children that love their grown up Christmases or are happy to spend it with family and find the company of their nieces and nephews enough.

161

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 15:45

Maybe you're over thinking things? If I sat down and thought should I? Shouldn't I? I probably wouldn't have had kids at all? To be honest I was a little young, looking back, but it's nice being a young(ish) mum now with grown up kids. It is sensible to get finances and insurances in order first, but sometimes the unexpected things things in life turn out to be good ones. Good luck x

544

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EW GURU

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 15:39

Crispaholic, this could be me writing this thread, so I will watch the responses with great interest! I really sympathise as I'm having a real quandary about this at the moment. Like realist's friend we're very happy with our life and don't feel a baby shaped hole in it. However, I'm worried that I will suddenly get struck with the baby wanting bug over the next couple of years when it will be much more difficult to have them (assuming I can have them at all now or then). I'm also worried that my hubbie will change his mind and suddenly want them after it becomes too later for me and it is such a primal thing. It feels like everyone I know, including the staunch no-baby brigade, are popping out babies at the moment. I also worry that there is a whole aspect of life that we're missing out on and that we should be less lazy and selfish. However, I do feel that if you are going to have a baby then at least one of your should passionately want them. Someone recommended to me to read Operating Instructions by Ann Lamott, which is a diary she keeps of the first year of her son's life. It was a real eye opener for me and made me think that babydom is probably not for me. Added to this the fact that we've had visitors for the last month, who spent a weekend out of town this weekend. I felt almost giddy with the freedom of not having to be concerned about anyone else for a couple of days and also having my hubbie and our flat to ourselves. This also made me thing that it might not be for me. However, I fully expect to go full circle again in the next 24hrs! We have nephews that we adore and I feel that we can have strong, close and meaningful relationships with them and be a part of their lives, as they will be part of ours. As I say, I will be reading with interest and wish you the very very best in your decision. FFx

4062

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EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 15:07

I'd say that if it's on the cards then get medical insurance to cover all bases. It's possibly not the best analogy but I don't plan on getting seriously ill but I have medical insurance to cover me in case I do. What would you like your life to be like 10 years down the track Crispaholic? Where do you see yourself?

604

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EW GURU

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 15:04

if you like to think of others before yourself, then go for it! As you will, as a mother be doing that for the rest of your life once you have children, they fill your every waking moment one way or another no matter how old they are

77

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EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 15:04

For some people there is never a decision made to have them or not to have. In my life I always knew I would. It was just part of me. My friend always knew she wouldn't but my sister has been the one who had to decide. Both she and her husband love children, work long, long hours in jobs they love and love to run, go on holidays and be financially secure. She says it's something they have talked about as it is often expected of them. Now at 37 they have decided not to as she says she loves the snap shots of life with kids, the joke, the smile, the hug but the tedium of Put on your shoes, put on your shoes, PUT on your shoes would do her brain in.Not to mention the lack of snoozies on a Saurday morning! She says she does not have a baby shaped hole in her life and neither does her husband but she does want kids in her life. This has been amazing for my children as she spends alot of time with them and has very special relationships with them. It took me a long time to get my head around this and I kept thinking she would change her mind and to be fair she has had a wee wobble but they say they don't want it enough to change their lives. Finance, careers and childcare are massive factors in their decision. Maybe if one of them had a really strong desire to have a child then they would have muddled along. So maybe a list is good as well as actually spending time with children to know if you could do it or not, if you would want to. It is a not the end of life but it is the end of life as you previously knew it. So to conclue think long and hard because once you have made that decision you cannot unmake it. And don't decide to do it because it is the next logical step.

4062

Posts

EW MASTER

Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 14:51

I know quite a few couples who have been at the stage and they have all dealt with it by stopping contraception but not (initially at least) actually trying to get pregnant. They have all either gotten pregnant within a few months or not gotten pregnant but decided it's what they would like so have started actually trying. Does that make sense? The couples I know that don't want children have always been very sure of that so no decision to be made. Would a pros and cons list help?

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