who does "what" in yur household?

So summertime, I take it your DH doesn't do much to help? I think it depends how old your child or chldren are... It's very different ifthey are very young and home 24/7. My husband doesn't get home till late, but there are days I can't even get dinner on the table for him, and I get tired of doing all the housework when I can barely find time for a shower. My DD is 16 mths and at the age where she challenges everything and runs off all the time. On top of that I have 1mth old twins. Believe me the toddler is harder than my twins! Even Though I spend hours a day just breast feedIng! My DH is a great help, but he doesn't have much time by the time he gets home... and he's just as sleep deprived as me. I really don't think it's fair some of you going on how easy it is being a SAHM, not every situation is the same. How old are ur kid/s Summertime? It's hard work most days... and lots of my mummy friends have chosen to go back to work for a break!!! At least part time. At least they get a lunch break where they can eat in peace! <em>edited by Twinkle Violet on 13/03/2012</em>

The important thing is that you and your husband are a [b'>team[/b'>, and you are there to [b'>support[/b'> each other. Don't be afraid or feel you don't have the right to ask him for help in whatever form he is able to give you, that's what marriage is about. I absolutely agree with you. It took us about 6 months after DD was born to really work it out and stop bickering about who has the hardest job and both start rowing in the same direction again. I also think the situation is different for those sahms with school age children. Most of us are talking about multiple pre-schoolers, who, in comparison to my professional encounters, are a combination of the fussiest clients and hardest taskmaster of a boss. At the end of the day, neither party in a marriage wants to see the other suffer, so as one of the others said, itbshould be situational - just as you'd be extra understanding if the OH was having a stressful time at work and try and take some of the strain for them, the other should too. DH went through a period of having to work weekens and evenings and so i made sure that all the time he got to spend at home was relaxed and worry-free. On the other hand, when i was still feeding DS 3 times a night and had got to the stage in sleep deprivation where i was finding it hard to function, DH would get the kids up, feed, dress and keep them happy and only wake me to take over as he walked out the door to go to work. We have never had a nanny, btw. I'm dying to go back to work, if i'm honest and that's mainly to get some bloomin' peace! Of course, that brings its own debates though... If one child is ill, who has the sacrificial job? What happens if we both have to work late?! Of course, DHs bosses will assume that wifey continues to pick up the slack...

I know DH hates being away from the children and would love to spend more time with them at home. I also know being at home with them - 19 months and 2 months - is as much of a full-time job as his role, but without the breaks or time-outs he gets. Try taking time out for a coffee quietly by yourself with a toddler and a newborn... uh, no. He can do that in his office but I can't do that in mine. I'm not bitter about it, just realistic. If the children were in nursery or school and I didn't work, sure - I'd feel bad not doing stuff around the house. But when I'm looking after them all day and breastfeeding at night, it's simply not fair to expect me to do all the housework as well. Nor is it fair to expect DH to do it all when he works ludicrously long hours in the office or out on site if there's an alternative, so we use part-time cleaners at the moment and will look for a full-time live-in soon. You need to work out what works for you and your DH in your home. Who cares what anyone else does? Some people do think being a SAHM includes doing all the housework and if that works for them, that's just fine. It just doesn't work for me. ETA: I agree with H.A.K. When you're both home, you're both on duty. Unless you agree otherwise for extenuating circumstances :D. <em>edited by DubaiCat on 09/01/2012</em>

I love your post kiwispiers.

Oh and I did have to have a heart to heart conversation about this with DH, I guess because when we moved here although I was working, we didn't have DS and I had plenty of time so did everything as DH was working long hours. Then along came the baby and I was spending 8 hours of each day just on breastfeeding! Basically I sat DH down and pointed out that if what I did counted as "working" then I was working a 12 hour day, [b'>plus[/b'> I was on call all night. DH has [b'>never[/b'> done night shift, he simply [b'>can not function [/b'>without a solid nights sleep. In the end what got him on board was me simply saying, [i'>"I'm not coping, I need your help"[/i'>. Don't get caught up in what other women do or don't do, we all have different situations and priorities. The important thing is that you and your husband are a [b'>team[/b'>, and you are there to [b'>support[/b'> each other. Don't be afraid or feel you don't have the right to ask him for help in whatever form he is able to give you, that's what marriage is about.

I'm a stay at home mom of an almost 4 yr old and a 2 month old... I feel that being a SAHM is my "job" and I feel like that job includes housework etc... I don't go to my husbands office and do his work for him, so I don't feel right about him coming home and doing mine for me... I think if both work then the at home stuff should be split up though... That being said my husband does help. He take our oldest to and from nursery 3 days a week for a few hrs (so that does give me a break). He takes out the trash. He has recently started doing dishes/bottles from time to time because they are piling up with the new born (I have playfully asked him every time he does them though if he is sick or what is wrong? lol), He can do laundry but I prefer to do it. He doesn't really do much cleaning. He baths our oldest probably once a week and plays with him a lot. He also feeds and changes diapers for the youngest (about 1 each a night). He puts our oldest to bed I would say about half the time. He will take them for the day if I need/want to go do something, which is typically never, but he did surprise me by taking the kids and sending me to the spa the other day. From time to time he "cooks" lol his specialties are breakfast for dinner, or a sandwich. Or if I'm cooking and he gets home from work he will help me finish, or do whatever is needed from him... We don't have a list or a schedule of who does what and these things I'm mentioning that he does aren't all the time but for the most part he helps where he can. I have no doubt that I have the better end of the "deal" being able to stay home (not to say a marriage is a deal, I'm using it as an expression, and even then the "deal" doesn't have to do with marriage it has to do with me thinking I have the easier "job"). Often when my husband comes home and starts doing chores I feel bad and would just prefer he stopped because I know he has had a long day. Also I feel if he were left with the kids alone for the week everything would be done and just fine, maybe not to my liking because I'm a picky neat freak :) but it would in fact get done... I have plenty of time in the day to get things done, and if for some reason it doesn't all get done its not because of my kids its just because I decided to have a lazy day, which lately has been a couple times a week :). My oldest son actually enjoys helping me do the laundry and cooking dinner so that helps too that I'm not trying to do those things and still supervise him playing in the other room. With all that being said my husband works 12 hrs a day 6 days a week. I suppose if he worked less I might expect more from him? I really don't see how working moms/ single moms do it all. Taking care of a family is work, but I don't think its hard. However I do still want my husband to view what I do as work and realize I'm not just lounging around all day. Thankfully he is appreciative and that's not an issue. All of the above is just an opinion based on my personal situation, everyone is different so I don't mean to discredit anyone elses views or to imply that theirs are "wrong".

I'm right there with KW and HAK. In our house we've always considered staying at home a full time job. Right now I'm at home with my daughter during the day and my husband and I share all the household chores when he gets home. And actually, he is doing more than his fair share at the moment. So he does almost all of the night time parenting (we co-sleep) and does a lot of the afternoon parenting. We do have a nanny/housekeeper here from 7-4 so she does a lot of the cleaning but my husband and I share evening duties like childcare, cooking and clean-up. When I wasn't pregnant, before we had a nanny and when I was on maternity leave, he would do a lot of the evening parenting but also would have Sundays that were 'his' day and that would allow me to have me time. I breastfeed so wasn't able to leave for the full day be he would be the go-to guy for putting her to sleep, if she wanted something, if she was fussy, etc. I loved those days and it was great for them to bond in that way. If I feel like he isn't pulling his weight we have a chat about it. For me it is important to be really open with how we are feeling about our roles in the house. I have friends who don't mind that their husbands come home from work and watch the TV as they watch the kids and cook dinner. That's fine for them but for me that just wouldn't fly so I am very communicative about that. But, my husband likes to help around the house also... and we've never even had a TV so he is always puttering about and that makes it easier for him. [i'> Edited to add: [/i'>I just thought that I should add, we make sure that we both have a lot of self care and feel taken care of. I think for us that's the most important rather than whose job whatever chore is or whose job is what, for us it is more about feeling appreciated, respected and understood. We make sure that we are kind loving to each other and that makes it so much easier to do things for each other or pull some extra weight around the house. So, like right now, he's had a hard day at work and is taking a nap - he needed that. The other night he had trouble sleeping so I got up before he did and made him coffee and a full breakfast before work. He knew that I was really tired the other day so took our little one outside for the afternoon so that I could read my book - I needed that. As long as we are both happy with the way that things are going, that is what is important to us. Sometimes he does a heck of a lot more than I do in the house and sometimes I do. It is very much a give and take. But it did take a lot of talking and explaining ourselves to find that balance. And it probably wouldn't work for everyone but it works for us. So I think that you need to find a balance that works for you. Maybe you can try sitting down and chatting about it with your hubby if things are working for you right now. Start a list to figure out who does what and what each of your expectations are or, if you are able, hire someone to help out around the house a couple times a week. <em>edited by SweetLily on 09/01/2012</em>

We have 3 kids, aged 8, 3 and 6 months. I work from 8-1 everyday. Once a week I volunteer at my son's school am usually there till 4. We don't have a full time live in maid. I do the shopping, taxi driving of kids to care taker, school, activities etc. I do the laundry. DH and I take turns to do bath and bed time, We take turns to cook. We take turns ro cleanup the house and kitchen. I used to do it all before I started working and it wasn't a problem, DH used to come home from work and take kids to pool or park and bathed ready for bed while I got dinner sorted. He then would put the kids to bed. I cleaned up dinner mess. I loved staying at home however not a luxury we can afford at the moment. <em>edited by starsouthern on 09/01/2012</em>

After MANY "discussions", we've come to agree that being a SAHM is a job and so, to avoid further argument, my working hours are from the time DH walks out the door to the moment he walks back in again - everything that happens at home while we're both there are shared. There's no "that's not my job" or anything like that. However, DH is rubbish at all things laundry, so I do that. I also keep a grip on all the household needs and he leaves me to that. Housework, cooking and childcare, when we're both at home, are shared. I have found that, if a dad (or anyone) thinks that a SAHM has a cushy time, a great way to make them change their mind is to go out for a whole day - 9h-18h... and when you come back, you sit down, ask them how their day was, then ask what's for dinner, if they cleaned the house and if they did the washing. Invariably the answer is "No, I was looking after the kids all day!"... ah-ha! Exactly! 100% with you HAK, (and we are exactly the same re the washing, household etc) SAHM, the title says it all, I see my job as looking after my son all day, sure I do some housework when I get a chance, but thats not my "job", thats just something my husband and I have to get done between us and I see no reason why I should work longer hours than him, or why he should put his feet up and watch TV because he's been at work all day when clearly so have I. I have my own business but haven't worked much since DS was born, but when if/when I did, I would obviously have to pay someone to care for my son during that time, or DH would have to do it, I wouldn't see it as making a difference to my responsibilities re chores. My husband readily admits that he would never want to trade places with me, as much as he misses DS while he is at work although he does grumble from time to time and I do exactly as HAK says, I give him DS for an afternoon and let him realise how much work is involved and how exhausting it can be. <em>edited by kiwispiers on 09/01/2012</em>

I don't see anyone complaining ciao OP mentioned she was arguing with DH about who should be doing which chores in the household. Perhaps I read it wrong - as I assumed this meant she was unhappy with him not doing enough of the household work? Was I supposed to take it in the sense that the argument was due to the DH complaining that he wanted to do more of the household chores? <em>edited by punchbiffpow on 09/01/2012</em>

Let me read through the replies , cuz I don't see it as complaining. But you come across as aggressive, defensive and judgmental, r you assuming the little lady sits at home eating bonbons all day and feels taken care off while the testosterone of the house is "working" As a mother - I do not assume having kids means sitting at home eating bon bons any more than you do. And I am in as much of a position to comment on what having a children and running a household entails and how much work it is or is not. And yes, if you are a stay at home mum - you have the better end of the deal. It's not a deal its marriage/partnership Ok - then you have the better end of the marriage/partnership. Apply logic to that statement we don't know what goes on in other peoples lives so it's impossible to say who has it better. Well - I have been in both positions actually. I sure as heck prefer to be at home with my kid. If women feel they are hard done by - why not go out and get a job and then come home and share the housework and only see your child a couple of hours a day. Usually the ones complaining are the one who never had to work and truly don't know how lucky they have it. I don't see anyone complaining, got to run my kids are home me time over. ciao

Let me read through the replies , cuz I don't see it as complaining. But you come across as aggressive, defensive and judgmental, r you assuming the little lady sits at home eating bonbons all day and feels taken care off while the testosterone of the house is "working" As a mother - I do not assume having kids means sitting at home eating bon bons any more than you do. And I am in as much of a position to comment on what having a children and running a household entails and how much work it is or is not. And yes, if you are a stay at home mum - you have the better end of the deal. It's not a deal its marriage/partnership Ok - then you have the better end of the marriage/partnership. Apply logic to that statement we don't know what goes on in other peoples lives so it's impossible to say who has it better. Well - I have been in both positions actually. I sure as heck prefer to be at home with my kid. If women feel they are hard done by - why not go out and get a job and then come home and share the housework and only see your child a couple of hours a day. Usually the ones complaining are the one who never had to work and truly don't know how lucky they have it.

Let me read through the replies , cuz I don't see it as complaining. But you come across as aggressive, defensive and judgmental, r you assuming the little lady sits at home eating bonbons all day and feels taken care off while the testosterone of the house is "working" As a mother - I do not assume having kids means sitting at home eating bon bons any more than you do. And I am in as much of a position to comment on what having a children and running a household entails and how much work it is or is not. And yes, if you are a stay at home mum - you have the better end of the deal. It's not a deal its marriage/partnership Ok - then you have the better end of the marriage/partnership. Apply logic to that statement we don't know what goes on in other peoples lives so it's impossible to say who has it better.

Let me read through the replies , cuz I don't see it as complaining. But you come across as aggressive, defensive and judgmental, r you assuming the little lady sits at home eating bonbons all day and feels taken care off while the testosterone of the house is "working" As a mother - I do not assume having kids means sitting at home eating bon bons any more than you do. And I am in as much of a position to comment on what having a children and running a household entails and how much work it is or is not. And yes, if you are a stay at home mum - you have the better end of the deal. It's not a deal its marriage/partnership Ok - then you have the better end of the marriage/partnership.

Let me read through the replies , cuz I don't see it as complaining. But you come across as aggressive, defensive and judgmental, r you assuming the little lady sits at home eating bonbons all day and feels taken care off while the testosterone of the house is "working" As a mother - I do not assume having kids means sitting at home eating bon bons any more than you do. And I am in as much of a position to comment on what having a children and running a household entails and how much work it is or is not. And yes, if you are a stay at home mum - you have the better end of the deal. It's not a deal its a marriage/partnership <em>edited by Frances on 09/01/2012</em>

Call me old-fashioned but I think if you are a SAHM it is your responsibility to take care of the running of the home. If you work the jobs should be split 50/50 My point exactly

Call me old-fashioned but I think if you are a SAHM it is your responsibility to take care of the running of the home. If you work the jobs should be split 50/50

Let me read through the replies , cuz I don't see it as complaining. But you come across as aggressive, defensive and judgmental, r you assuming the little lady sits at home eating bonbons all day and feels taken care off while the testosterone of the house is "working" As a mother - I do not assume having kids means sitting at home eating bon bons any more than you do. And I am in as much of a position to comment on what having a children and running a household entails and how much work it is or is not. And yes, if you are a stay at home mum - you have the better end of the deal.

Mine helps where he can, will always do the more physical jobs around the home, and responds well to a list. He is great support when kids are sick (which is not my forte). What more can I say? I am SAHM with school age kids. If you think things are uneven, then draw up a list. If you cannot agree employ a live-in maid or cleaner. Take turns with shopping/cooking. I think that the idea of the SAHM needing help with the housework is genuine whilst the kids are preschool, and once they are at school during the school holidays. However other than a few treats for myself, I have plenty of time to keep the home clean, the laundry in check, do the grocery shopping and cook the meals. Maybe some chores could be shared on the weekend, like the ironing or cooking. My husband often makes a cooked breakfast for the family on Saturday mornings, which he enjoys to do and I get to put my feet up and read the newspaper whilst it is cooking...yum! Oh I forgot about the school work, don't even get me started on all the prep I have to do before sitting down to homework.

Let me read through the replies , cuz I don't see it as complaining. But you come across as aggressive, defensive and judgmental, r you assuming the little lady sits at home eating bonbons all day and feels taken care off while the testosterone of the house is "working"

Mine helps where he can, will always do the more physical jobs around the home, and responds well to a list. He is great support when kids are sick (which is not my forte). What more can I say? I am SAHM with school age kids. If you think things are uneven, then draw up a list. If you cannot agree employ a live-in maid or cleaner. Take turns with shopping/cooking. I think that the idea of the SAHM needing help with the housework is genuine whilst the kids are preschool, and once they are at school during the school holidays. However other than a few treats for myself, I have plenty of time to keep the home clean, the laundry in check, do the grocery shopping and cook the meals. Maybe some chores could be shared on the weekend, like the ironing or cooking. My husband often makes a cooked breakfast for the family on Saturday mornings, which he enjoys to do and I get to put my feet up and read the newspaper whilst it is cooking...yum!

I do everything. Run my business, look after my kid, clean the house, cook the meals. No need for a DH. I don't understand women who have the [b'>privilege[/b'> to stay at home with their kids and get looked after - then complain about doing housework.Other women have to go out and work and still do it all when they get home. Why do women at home all day think it its so huge they couldnt possibly do it. Oh no you didn't as they say...... Get looked after, it's not a job, other women have to go out bla bla bla. Wow you are either very bitter or a bloke.

I do everything. Run my business, look after my kid, clean the house, cook the meals. No need for a DH. I don't understand women who have the privilege to stay at home with their kids and get looked after - then complain about doing housework. Other women have to go out and work and still do it all when they get home. Why do women at home all day think it its so huge they couldn't possibly do it.

Me myself and I do it ALL 3 kids no help and in full control of my home my children our lives, oh he takes out the garbage, bathes the kids on weekends, takes them out on weekends ( to give me a break if I need some me time) grocery shops twice a week, does his own laundry..... I guess weekends he is the stay at home Dad with the work.

I am SAHM too, but DH irons his clothes, does the dishes and takes out trash now & then. Also he buys the grocery during the week.

After MANY "discussions", we've come to agree that being a SAHM is a job and so, to avoid further argument, my working hours are from the time DH walks out the door to the moment he walks back in again - everything that happens at home while we're both there are shared. There's no "that's not my job" or anything like that. However, DH is rubbish at all things laundry, so I do that. I also keep a grip on all the household needs and he leaves me to that. Housework, cooking and childcare, when we're both at home, are shared. I have found that, if a dad (or anyone) thinks that a SAHM has a cushy time, a great way to make them change their mind is to go out for a whole day - 9h-18h... and when you come back, you sit down, ask them how their day was, then ask what's for dinner, if they cleaned the house and if they did the washing. Invariably the answer is "No, I was looking after the kids all day!"... ah-ha! Exactly!