Feeling so guilty about not breadtfeeding....advice Please!

I got given two pieces of really good advice with my baby. 1) if you have pain relief or not during delivery doesn't mean you love your baby any more or less. I think the same goes for formula vs bf. 2) bf doesn't mean bonding. People who adopt still manage to bond with their kids without the choice of how they feed baby. Like so many here have said, listen to your support crew who support you and your choices and they will tell you what a great mother you are. It's more important to get food into baby so it can gain weight than to stress about the source. Too many people can get on the bandwagon, have a holier than thou attitude and tell you how much you are stuffing up. I am lucky that I have found it easy to bf, but got given absolute **** by "professionals" who accused me of starving my baby because I didn't know to feed him every two hours to start with. Hang in there and keep on doing what works best for you and baby. You're doing a great job! Xxx

[url=http://mamabythebay.com/2013/07/30/i-support-you-2/ '>This[/url'> is a nice read, about the I Support You campaign. Hope things are getting better for you, OP.

There is a facebook group called "breastfeeding Q&A Dubai UAE" which is an excellent place to get advice, support, information and contact details for consultants and other experts. I would also second joining this FB group. A bunch of extremely helpful ladies with professionals on the board too... just what you need if you decide to give breastfeeding another try.

KellyJane, you are a great mom for wanting the best for your child and trying so hard. Breastfeeding is not easy in the beginning, and no matter how much you prepare, there is always a steep learning curve involved. That being said, breastfeeding does get much, much easier and rewarding.... If you really want to breastfeed, hang in there. Try not to stress too much about it. Enjoy your new baby, do lots of skin-to-skin. Have a 'nursing holiday' (google it). I had a very rocky start to breastfeeding too where my bubba was put on formula in his NICU stay of 3 days. He refused the breast after that, preferring the ease of a bottle. I started pumping and slowly replaced all his formula feeds with BM and kept trying to get him to the breast. I still remember those days when he would root to the breast and start screaming like he'd just seen the monster..... lolz. I persevered with the help of a LC and my perseverance paid off when he finally started taking the breast after 2 months - I was expressing regularly till that time to keep the supply up. Its been an extremely rewarding experience since then.... all the effort I put in the first 2 months in expressing and trying to breastfeed, paid off when I didn't have to wash/ sterilize the bottles and prepare the formula after that. Going out and about got much easier as the boobie was there everywhere :). Once the art of breastfeeding art is learnt, its all uphill from there. So, if you really want to breastfeed, hang in there. It does, and will get easier. But if breastfeeding is making you unhappy, resentful, then formula is the way to go. Do whatever makes you happy and works for you and your family. Right now your baby needs a happy mama - breast fed or not.

The ladies are right hun, there is no need for you to feel bad. I can only tell u from experience how difficult it was for me when I first started...the cracked nipples, minimum supply, each feed lasted about 1.5hours and i was feeding her so often. I really wanted to stop but i knew the more i did it the better the production will be. I ended up feeding her for just over 12 months and i still feel bad that i stopped bcos i knw it was the best thing for her... I was very stressed when i first had her and i was told stress levels really affects the supply...could this be the case for u? My supply defo increased when i came bk to Dubai and left my family in the UK.

KellyJane. Please dont feel bad..its just one week after your delivery...this is a veryy very difficult time at every level. I never ever knew how difficult BF is. Always imagined it to be something simple and my first few weeks actually quite so many weeks...I cried every single time I fed my baby. .I was determined on BF but the pain was too much and at the same time I didnt wanna quit. Although like most ppl would tell u it got fine with time. The feeling of being cut off disappeared and it become effort less and I managed somehow..but I do wish I had been easier on myself and open to supplementing. I really didnt bond with my baby in all those weeks and I do think that was a loss even if I got the BM into her. I also dreaded every feed which was supposed to be my one on one time with her. ALSO she used to take an hour for a complete feed so I was pretty much always in pain. Get urself q BF pillow. Use loads of lanolin cream after every feed. Do try the madela gel pads. And either pump or supplement or whatever u decide to give urself time to heal. And shud u choose to switch to formula pleaseee dont let guilt ruin those precious days. Take care of yourself so you can take care of ur baby. Have fennel tea to increase breast milk. It works a wonder. Wishing u and ur baby the best!

OP, I wanted to send you a big hug. Go easy on yourself. Neither you nor your baby have ever done this before. There's a steep learning curve. Couple that with your postpartum hormone crash, recovery from labor, etc and it makes for a tough few weeks. I do want to say that some of the behaviors you're describing from your baby are normal and to be expected. A newborn will be camped out at the boob more or less nonstop for the early weeks. This DOES NOT mean you aren't making enough milk. It may seem that baby is unsatisfied at the breast and is happy after formula but that's really because a nursing newborn nurses nonstop to help bring in a good, strong milk supply. With formula, baby is likely getting stuffed. Unless baby is continuing to lose weight or has lost substantial weight (more than 10% down from birth weight), he is getting enough at the breast. I also urge you to continue working with a certified lactation consultant if you're committed to breastfeeding. This can also be a really helpful read: [url=http://theleakyboob.com/2011/08/baby-explains-normal-newborn-behavior/'>Normal Newborn Behavior[/url'>

I can't really add to what has already been said apart from the fact that this "bottle feeding is inferior/lazy" attitude is nothing new and I too had people tut tutting me for giving up on BF when I had my DD then DS in 1979 and 1982. I got it from all angles. With both children I struggled for about 2 weeks then said stuff it and put them both on the bottle. Every attempted BF was a battle with my babies screaming with hunger and me joining them in frustration, not a good combination. I did have one session with a HV who supposedly specialised in BF problems. She had my DD's head gripped in her hand like a vice with her other hand gripping my boob, none too gently. She was politely shown the door! Did I feel guilty about not breast feeding? Nope, just a sense of relief. Agree that this "bonding" thing is far more than just the method of feeding. My 2 have grown into fine, grounded, happy young adults. Can't BF? hey ho, it doesn't matter one bit! Enjoy your baby and ignore the critics. x

kellyjane you are not a bad mum- never think that and do not listen to anyone I have a very difficult labour with my DS- he was in NICU for 4 days and i was in so much pain. I didnt hold him until he came out of NICU except for less than 1 minute the day after he was born. I tried to express but it was nowhere near enough so he was given formula. when he came out of NICU i put him on the boob but he was not interested- screaming and crying because he was hungry. i kept trying for the next couple of days but i had no milk and he was a hungry baby. my milk came through on day 6 but he was still not interested, i like you expressed but the breastmilk didnt fill him up. from 2 weeks old he was exclusively formula fed and the guilt i felt and still do was huge. i wish i had tried harder and perserved but it just didnt feel right as he was so unhappy. from the moment he was formula fed he was a happy baby. he is now 16 months and although i do regret giving up breastfeeding so quickly he is a happy, healthy, contented lovely little boy. you just have to remember that there are no right or wrongs and you have to do what is best for you and baby. good luck xx

If you do want to keep breastfeeding then I would advice to put baby to the breast as often as you can, a baby is 100x more efficient at stimulating your milk supply than a pump. Also do lots of skin-to-skin, cuddle in bed with baby in just a diaper on your bare chest and try and get her to latch as much as possible. 30+ min feeds are completely normal at her age, my son was regularly latched on for an hour or more as a newborn. I just watched a lot of TV... ;) yeah its important to know this, newborns can be really slow at feeding and often need to feed far more frequently than 3 hourly. They sometimes pop on and off in "cluster feeds" over a period of several hours, sometimes they can stay over an hour on just one breast.

First of all, your worth as a mother is not dependant on your ability to breastfeed, that needs to be said. Secondly, breastfeeding can be a lovely bonding experience, so can bottlefeeding, and fathers can bond very nicely without feeding the baby at all. I really don't know who came up with "if you don't breastfeed you don't bond" or "pump so that the father can bond too". If you want to bond, CUDDLE your baby, hold her close and respond to her cues. (by the way bonding doesn't happen in a day or even a week). It sounds like you want to breastfeed but it hasn't gone well for you so far, you are in pain and don't think your baby is getting to your milk properly? Have you seen properly qualified, experienced IBCLC's? (as in board certified, having passed exams etc). Has your baby been checked for tongue-tie by someone who knows what they are looking for? What advice have your LC's given you in regards to topping up and pumping, frequency of breastfeeds, skin to skin etc? There are a lot of factors that can affect an infants ability to latch well and breastfeed, and with the right help and support almost all of them are able to be overcome. In answer to your questions, your baby is only a week old and would typically not be drinking an awful lot more than 1 oz per breastfeed at this point, but once latching and sucking properly, your baby will get more from the breast than the pump would. Its quite normal for many women not to able to pump much and for other women the amount increases as they get used to pumping, there are things you can do to let down more easily but I would urge you to persevere with feeding directly, pumping might seem like an easier option right now but in the long term pumping is much more work than breastfeeding directly and it takes a lot of effort to pump exclusively and maintain enough supply to not have to supplement. Some women do manage, and that effort this something to be applauded but at this point you do still have a choice and if you are able to hang in there and stick with feeding directly, you have a good chance of making it work. Breastfeeding was an utter battle for me in the beginning, shredded nipples, shallow latching, super strong suction, I will freely admit to hating every feed, praying for my baby not to wake just yet, getting grumpy at whoever brought the baby to me for a feed and feeling like a terrible mother because it wasn't the lovely "bonding" experience I'd been sold. I didn't supplement but I did pump and I got practically nothing. I could easily have given up at that stage, I certainly would not have been less of a mother if I had, in fact it would have been entirely reasonable, but I am stubborn and I really wanted my baby to have the advantages of breastmilk. So I kept going, it wasn't easy and it took quite a long time to come right. This is something you need to understand, its not just for you to know how to latch, your baby is learning too, some get it right away, others take longer. Giving a bottle can make it harder for your baby to learn how to drink from the breast, there are devices that can deliver the expressed or formula milk by tube while your baby drinks from the breast, this ensures they are getting enough, while still encouraging them to learn to breastfeed. Once your baby latches properly, you will not be in pain, you still might not enjoy breastfeeding but you won't hate it, the real emotional rewards with breastfeeding tend to come as your baby is older and more responsive. I thought I'd hang in there for three months, I ended up feeding my son for almost two years, in fact I only stopped because I was four months pregnant with his little sister. Breastfeeding her was awful initially again, serious pain, to put it in perspective I had a c section with my son and needed no pain relief (not even panadol) after the first 48 hours, I gave birth to my daughter naturally with no epidural, gas or any other analgesia, my pain threshold is pretty high, but with both babies I was popping ibuprofen before a feed just to kill the pain. With my son for the second week I pumped one breast and direct fed one breast, swapping each feed just to allow more time for healing. With my daughter I used nipple shields instead, which I found easier as it was less time consuming and I didn't have to deal with bottles. It sounds like you are conflicted, I think you need to decide whether this is something you feel is worth fighting for. For me it was, I do believe that there are a lot of very good reasons to make every effort to breastfeed. Those reasons have nothing to do with love or bonding, they are to do with your baby's health. It is unfortunately true that formula feeding increases your babies risk of many illnesses, I'm sure you already know that and there is no need to state them here. I don't think that translates to "breast is always best", its a more complex issue than that and breastfeeding isn't always manageable for everyone, but perhaps you could set yourself a goal of four weeks, working with a qualified consultant (you should be able to get one who can come to your home and sit with your for a couple of feeds, it may seem expensive but if you factor in the cost of formula alone its worth it), feeding directly as often as you can manage and topping up as little as possible. Its absolutely your choice and I know (trust me I know) its not easy but my experiences make me want to encourage others to hang in there, because once it gets good, it really gets good and although you can feel like you are climbing a mountain, reaching the top is incredibly rewarding. Recognise that one week post-partum you are physically exhausted, sore, scared, full of the baby blues and at an emotionally weak point, if you do want to persevere with breastfeeding your husband and any other people around you need to be on your team and be a part of your game-plan, you also need a support network of friends (not judgey ones but helpful ones) who can help you through the dark days and offer practical advice. There is a facebook group called "breastfeeding Q&A Dubai UAE" which is an excellent place to get advice, support, information and contact details for consultants and other experts.

I won't say much else other than that I hated breastfeeding when I first tried it with my second child. My mother was here and I told her that I was ready to give up after about one week of trying. My mother said to me very snidely: "Fine! Just go put a bottle in her mouth!" I knew at that moment that bottle feeding would be taking the easy way out. I ended up breastfeeding her until she was almost three. Comparing breastfeeding with bottle feeding, I can say that breastfeeding is so much easier and convenient. However, I fully understand how hard it is for a working mother to not breastfeed. Pumping really is not fun. Breastfeeding is also not ideal for women who are away from their babies a lot. If you really want to breastfeed, then don't quit now and stop using formula. If you don't want to breastfeed, then just stop now...

Wow a happy mum makes a happy baby. I tried with my first to BF but she was not interested and I had the support of a great midwife in the UK. She just laughed saying I had a choice - persevering, or pumping and topping up with formula if needed. I took the second option and things were okay but having the time to pump enough to maintain supply was hard. I went 100% to formula after 5 weeks. With no 2, I mix fed for 2 weeks and then went to formula. It may seem selfish and wrong to some but it is about what worked for us. Enjoy your baby and do what's right for you :-)

you know motherhood is not a smooth easy period as some paint it to be ...and it'sperfectly alright .I had the same problem as you did but I didn't think twice to put him on formula cause I didn't have a choice baby must get milk to grow .and please don't feel guilty

I dreaded breastfeeding the first 2 weeks after my DS was born. But I was very determined and I know (from research) that it will get better. And it did!!! I used Medela lanolin cream and it helped a lot. You're not a bad mom, that's how I felt during that time too because I really hated it. Now 5 months later I always look forward to feeding him. Just hold on it will get better I promise. X

You are NOT a bad mum. With my ds, I tried breast feeding. 2 days in, he was screaming a lot of the time as he was hungry, yet I didn't have much if any colostrum coming through, by day 3, he was very agigtated, I was agigtated. He went onto formula from that moment on. If I'm honest I detested breast feeding, it made me dislike my son too, I also believe that for Harry is was much much happier with formula. On day 3 he took 90 mls formula within 20 mins. Harry is pefectly healthy, aside from the usual colds that come with going to nursery. I felt very guilty at the time but thats life, you just get on with it. xx

You are NOT a bad mum. A bad mum wouldn't care about her baby's needs, would certainly not feel guilty about not breastfeeding! I am still breastfeeding my son at 8 months, and for me it has been super easy. Never any pain, latch problems or anything. I am not saying this to brag, I am saying this so you know that for a lot of moms it is a lot easier than it is for you! You are doing a great job even trying to breastfeed at all! If I had felt like there were shards of glass in my breasts when feeding my son, you can bet he would be getting formula as well. What your child needs more than ANYTHING in the world, much more than breast milk, is a happy, healthy mother. If breastfeeding makes you miserable, makes your skin crawl and your nipples feel like they're about to fall off, if you are dreading feeding your baby then really, formula is not so bad at all. As for your "friend", I can't believe they would be so insensitive to say you are "poisoning" your baby, to a new mum of a one week old! You really do not need to hear ridiculous things like that in your current hormonal state! Formula is NOT poison, it is a fantastic solution to mums like you who can, for whatever reason, not breastfeed. If you do want to keep breastfeeding then I would advice to put baby to the breast as often as you can, a baby is 100x more efficient at stimulating your milk supply than a pump. Also do lots of skin-to-skin, cuddle in bed with baby in just a diaper on your bare chest and try and get her to latch as much as possible. 30+ min feeds are completely normal at her age, my son was regularly latched on for an hour or more as a newborn. I just watched a lot of TV... ;) Whatever you do, you are not a bad mum and let nobody tell you otherwise!!! You are doing what is best for you and for your child. Best of luck!

You are not a bad mum! You are a good mum who is trying so hard to do what's best for your child - and if that means a top up feed while you get breastfeeding sorted, then so be it. I gave up breastfeeding after a week and pumping after 3 weeks, and my DS is a happy healthy 1 year old - it certainly didn't affect our bond in any way and I think it actually strengthened the bond between him and DH, as DH was able to be more involved with feeding. Only you know what's best for your family - and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!

Aww try not to get yourself down, I totally sympathise...my milk didn't come through til day 6 so I was forced to watch (through tears!) as nurses started to formula feed and cuddle my newborn. I then had to formula at home but milk eventually came in and slowly increased and bubs was finally on just one top up formula before bed from hubby (he wanted to stay involved and bubs is sooo hungry anyway!). My boy is now 5months and I still have some low milk times (totm) which is so frustrating but we soldier on and milk does come back. (Ps I had blisters/thrush in boob recently, bless ya, it's so painful and awful! Hope you've got cream etc and it will clear. At least I had a few months good feeding before it happened but you're getting it straight away. Are you using good breastfeeding pads in the bra? Even if low supply, keep some in - I used J&J). You're really early days and with hormones, it's easy to beat yourself up but just think that as long as bubs puts on weight, there's no problem. If you don't put pressure on yourself then urmilk will come, so relax. The advise to keep pumping is good, but also every hr or so during the day, just keep putting baby on each boob to feed/comfort and enjoy the feeling of closeness-it's not all about food, then top up with formula if bubs wants more...it'll help your hormones to feel bubs sucking and hopefully help you relax. My friend used to feed her baby for an hr each time...don't pressure yourself into feeding times etc...every mum and baby have their own path to find. My other friend said after 6wks of stressing trying to BF she resigned to formula then wondered in hindsight why she had worried so much. Really feel for you, but try and put aside your stress, ignore unhelpful comments and try and see your formula feeding bubs isn't detrimental but just support for you. Rest lots, eat and drink well and smile! Oh whether it's just in my head, a big slice of peanut butter caramel cheesecake (my treat after gest diabetes!) was a treat a friend bought me at Starbucks and the milk came in lots after that-lol, worth a try! There's other milk increasing herbs like fennel/fenugreek tea but as you're only just getting your milk thru and a new mum, would wait to see how your body sorts itself. You're doing a fabulous job Hun, enjoy the cuddles:) <em>edited by maxmistry on 14/09/2013</em>

Hi Kellyjane, First of all: you're not a bad mum!! Second: I don't agree with your friend saying formula is poison, however, I really think breast milk is best. Coming from a mum who expressed full time from the start: pump, pump and pump. That's the only way to increase your volume. And drink lots of water. In the beginning, I pumped every 2 hours. I was disencouraged seeing how little it was, but it gradually increased. And pump during the night as well. When you're resting, your body makes more milk. Set the alarm clock at 2 hours during the day, during the night you can get up one time to pump. I don't know what kind of pump you have. I had the Medela Freestyle, and was done in 10 minutes every time. The best of luck and keep going, don't lose hope! Determination will get you there! P.S. You don't have to pump every 2 hours forever, only to increase your supply for now. <em>edited by Notnewintown on 14/09/2013</em>